Dealing with friends that well are.... in a word... Cheap

[Gatrcruzer]

It can be so hard to have friendships with people when their priorities are so different. Perhaps there are ways to continue engaging with them in ways that are positive and in which you all could enjoy yourselves - I like the idea of casual at-home gatherings. However, they might not be the sort of folks you should travel or go out to dinner with, and that's okay.

It will be important to consider how to frame things before you talk with them if you want to try to preserve the friendship. Perhaps something like, "I don't feel comfortable regularly using my Costco membership in this way. Have you considered getting your own membership? It only costs X dollars." It's unfortunate that they have put you and others in your friend group into such an uncomfortable position. I would stay away from calling them moochers (even if that is how they are behaving) or taking an accusatory tone. Perhaps you can frame it as having different ways of doing things.

It's interesting how people can have very different priorities and expectations related to money - I think some of this comes from how we were raised or situations we have been under. I know of several folks who were raised in poverty who, even after they become successful, still retained the strategies and behaviors that they needed to use growing up. My great-aunt who grew up during the depression used to try to take food from buffets, open packages of cookies at the grocery store and take some, etc. even though financially she was doing very well. Also, sometimes even when people have a high income, they may also have a lot of debt that you don't know about: student loan debt for themselves or children; lawsuits; financial losses related to bad investments; gambling; etc. It could be that they don't have as much disposable income as you might imagine. It can be hard to know why people engage in this sort of behavior. However, regardless of the reason, you should certainly try to do what you can to avoid having to deal with the unpleasantness.

Good luck in figuring out a way to deal with this situation. I hope you are able to preserve the friendship because it sounds as though you really care about them.

 

[tzolkin]

It's not always the extravagant orderers who take advantage. Often in a larger group someone will get something small, like a chicken Caesar salad and a glass of iced tea, while others order a lot. When the check comes, their $12.99 salad and $2 iced tea, plus tax and tip, somehow gets rounded down to $12 in the hopes no one else will notice. I've seen it happen more than a few times.

This is why I hate splitting/sharing a check and am glad that it's the norm where I live for everyone to be given separate checks. This happens every single time I've ever been in a group situation. People throw their money onto the table and then one person (usually me) is left to count all the money and ensure there is enough plus tip.

When you tell the group you're still short and would like them to chip in, there's always at least one or two people who will say, "Well I only got the __". Yeah, well the __ was $10.99 + drink + tax + tip, so the $10 you threw in does not actually cover your share.

I usually like to pay for others and the majority of the time will pick up the entire check if I go out with a friend, but I absolutely hate when someone acts entitled or tries to take advantage of other people.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's not always the extravagant orderers who take advantage. Often in a larger group someone will get something small, like a chicken Caesar salad and a glass of iced tea, while others order a lot. When the check comes, their $12.99 salad and $2 iced tea, plus tax and tip, somehow gets rounded down to $12 in the hopes no one else will notice. I've seen it happen more than a few times.

That I wouldn't understand. The person knows their order was more than $12 anyways. In that situation with the numbers given $20 would be appropriate when including tax and tip.

It's nice to split checks, you don't run into issues as much that way as everyone is just given a check for what their order was.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is why I hate splitting/sharing a check and am glad that it's the norm where I live for everyone to be given separate checks. This happens every single time I've ever been in a group situation. People throw their money onto the table and then one person (usually me) is left to count all the money and ensure there is enough plus tip.

When you tell the group you're still short and would like them to chip in, there's always at least one or two people who will say, "Well I only got the __". Yeah, well the __ was $10.99 + drink + tax + tip, so the $10 you threw in does not actually cover your share.

I usually like to pay for others and the majority of the time will pick up the entire check if I go out with a friend, but I absolutely hate when someone acts entitled or tries to take advantage of other people.

I’ve never had that happen when out with friends but it’s the reason I didn't do group orders at work for many years. It seemed to always happen that the person putting the order together would always end up spending more on their food since no one wanted to add in tax and tip. One place the girl got up and told everyone to give her $1 because there’s no way her $8 sandwich should be $16. I’ve been at my current place for ten years and it’s the opposite. Everyone overpays and the order taker saves a few bucks but everyone is ok with that since they took on the responsibility of taking the order and sometimes picking it up.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Countless environmentalists world-wide would disagree with you. Of course it would be better that they’d never gone in the garbage in the first place and had been put straight in the sink for washing but reusing perfectly serviceable goods instead of throwing them away isn’t a totally crazy thing to do.

What's the point of washing/reusing disposable plates? Why not just use regular plates?

 

[BonnieJean925]

My great-aunt who grew up during the depression used to try to take food from buffets, open packages of cookies at the grocery store and take some, etc. even though financially she was doing very well

I have to LOL at this. I am reminded of my grandmother (who has since passed). Notoriously cheap when it came to cooking and anything food related. She was so poor growing up and most of her adult life. The running family story we like to reminisce upon about her is the time she shoved a steak in her purse at a buffet.

 

[Babs Johnson]

That I wouldn't understand. The person knows their order was more than $12 anyways. In that situation with the numbers given $20 would be appropriate when including tax and tip.

It's nice to split checks, you don't run into issues as much that way as everyone is just given a check for what their order was.

Yes, they are well aware they should be paying more than $12. They're just as bad as the high-roller moochers, just not to the same financial extent.

 

[ronandannette]

What's the point of washing/reusing disposable plates? Why not just use regular plates?

I agree; this is what I do and I rarely ever use disposable anything. I do know people who re-use though, especially tin-foil disposable bakeware and the heavy-quality plastic cutlery. Most of it seems to hold up just fine to more than one use. I see people at my work routinely packing their lunch in empty margarine containers or reusing restaurant take-out containers. People do these things.

 

[tzolkin]

That I wouldn't understand. The person knows their order was more than $12 anyways. In that situation with the numbers given $20 would be appropriate when including tax and tip.

Yes, they know it. They are taking advantage of the group aspect of the shared check. Everyone tosses random bills down to cover their portion and they assume no one will notice that they didn't put in quite enough and someone else's contribution will cover theirs.

It's kind of like shared restrooms or a community kitchen where the responsibility is diffused over a large number of people so then some will not keep the space clean because they don't think anyone else will know it was them that made a mess.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

I think some of this comes from how we were raised or situations we have been under.

This is very true. My Father was born in the late 19th century and his attitude to many things came from the war years. Nothing was thrown away, if it could possibly be of use later, so we ended up with outbuildings full of bits of cars, motorcycles, tractors, farm machinery, old television and radio etc. He never incurred a debt, no mortgage, loans, HP etc. When I was growing up I was forbidden to accept cash gifts from anyone, other than close relatives. Absolutely forbidden. I was taught from an early age to politely but firmly and graciously refuse. Probably stemming from that, I hate being beholden to anyone and would much prefer to pay more than my share. I have been lucky because I have never been broke, but even when I backpacked as I youngster, long before debit/credit cards, when cash was king, ‘I cut my coat to suit my cloth’. Indeed I have fond memories of spending hours scouring menus during overseas travels and calculating what I could afford to eat and drink. Today’s teenagers don’t seem to have that experience because they just tap a card on a machine. Sad really.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

I have to LOL at this. I am reminded of my grandmother (who has since passed). Notoriously cheap when it came to cooking and anything food related. She was so poor growing up and most of her adult life. The running family story we like to reminisce upon about her is the time she shoved a steak in her purse at a buffet.

We took my MIL to Melting Pot the year before she passed. She wrapped up food in the linen napkin and put it in her purse. She grabbed raw shrimp and steak, and put it in the napkin with some uncooked potatoes and mushrooms. I made her take it out and leave it on the table. She actually stuck her finger in the chocolate (luckily we were about done, because no one ate any more after that.) She asked DS for his napkin, so she could take home some of the chocolate course dippers; he looked at her like she was crazy and said no, he was still using it. I told my DH never again to any place that doesn't have napkins and straws by drink dispensers.


She was cheap, but she was also clueless about social skills.

My grandfather saved everything. When he moved out of his house, we found newspapers from the 1940s. No credit cards, no debt. He made it through the Depression, and WWII; and he kept those lessons learned until he died. He was not cheap, but he would stretch his money as far as he could.

My dad was sort of like that...he had Cool Whip andCountry Crock 'tupperware'. He wasn't cheap as far as spending; he just liked to spend on alcohol, food, cable tv, the Broncos, and video games.

 

[bcla]

Yes, restaurant and office supply stores still sell pads of such checks, They can be used as hand written invoices for other businesses besides restaurants too.

I haven't seen carbon paper for sale in about 20 years. I may still have some buried in a desk drawer.

About two years ago, a supermarket's credit card system went down. You could still use cash or debit. They made an announcement indicating all credit sales will be handled at a certain two registers. The store dug out those sliding credit card embossers out of mothballs. I'm guessing they still had the carbon triplicate forms too.

A few years back I was getting paid through a special debit card (long story - won't bore anyone with it). I could of course just spend with the card or pull out cash from an ATM (subject to daily limits). I needed cash for something and couldn't wait for a transfer. I went to a bank branch and asked about pulling out a bunch. They pulled out their imprinter, and they had carbon forms. Not with separate carbon sheets, but where the carbon was on the back of each form. And they handed me one copy and it would smear on my fingers a bit.

I don't know if that'll necessarily work these days since most credit cards aren't embossed with the number any more.

That was pretty common with airline tickets. They used a similar setup. I think they still technically have those available even if they're extremely rare.

 

[BrianL]

My dad was sort of like that...he had Cool Whip andCountry Crock 'tupperware'.

Man, like all of my "tupperware" is tubs that lunchmeat came in. I mean, it works and I have a ton of it! When I was little, we used to get margarine in these bowls and I would eat cereal out of them. They were easier to manage because of the high sides. To me, that was a "cereal bowl." They were never used for anything else though, like soup. Just cereal.

 

[NotUrsula]

I agree; this is what I do and I rarely ever use disposable anything. I do know people who re-use though, especially tin-foil disposable bakeware and the heavy-quality plastic cutlery. Most of it seems to hold up just fine to more than one use. I see people at my work routinely packing their lunch in empty margarine containers or reusing restaurant take-out containers. People do these things.

Part of it is about potential breakage: if it's traveling or being used in a setting where people are balancing plates, you don't have to worry about breakable dishes being lost. (I don't do "permanent plastic" (melamine), because it easily burns and can affect the flavor of food.)

I think for most, the primary reason is probably more a finely-tuned 3-point balance between convenience, cost, and feelings about waste (both the expense of waste and the potential environmental impact.) For example, I prefer that my kids use permanent water bottles, but when they are going to summer camps held outdoors, I know it's pretty likely that good insulated water bottles will be lost. In addition, packing an outdoor lunch requires cooling. So for summer camps I get disposable water bottles, pour a bit out & freeze them so that they function as both coolant and drinking water. Now, I know that disposable bottles are bad for the environment, but I have what I consider valid reasons for using them in this case, and I can afford them. However, it makes me feel better to at least try to minimize the potential environmental impact, so I'll try to make a dozen disposable water bottles last all summer. Each one is refilled and reused for a week, which is about the maximum life they have when frozen every day. If one is lost it's not a big deal, but I tell the kids to try to remember to bring them home, and they usually do.

I grew up on the knife edge between poor and middle class, and my mother was determined not to fall over the edge. She also came through the Blitz and rationing in England with children to feed, and she was insanely vigilant about waste for that reason. I learned my lessons in frugality quite well. I buy quality wherever possible, but I make it last -- forever, if possible. It's a common story.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Growing up you'd be hard pressed to find someone who didn't have a country crock container in the fridge that was NOT actually a product of country crock but instead leftovers and then of course mixed in was country crock stuff.

Just a few weekends ago sister-in-law accidentally took her mom's country crock butter home with her because she had put her leftovers in a different country crock container. Gotta check first what you're taking

My husband has taken to using the salami containers (or other deli meat) that he gets from the store to use as containers.

Probably one of the most useful things we've done is taken the containers from Crystal Light/Great Value brand of drink mixes to use for pouring grease into and then eventually disposing of it in the trash when it's full. We try to make sure there's as little grease going down the drain as possible.

Everything that will have actual food gets a good washing though.

 

[Donald13]

That there is nothing wrong with being cheap if you pay your fair share. Wow, people are sure reading things into posts that aren't there.

You must be new here.

 

[RamblingMad]

The more I read this thread, the more I'm reminded of the Great Gatsby and the failure of the American Dream.

 

[mumto3girls]

We have friends that are more frugal than others and it definitely impacts what type of get together we have with them (one couple in particular we just tend to host them at our house) but nothing that even comes close to what you are describing, OP. As I was reading the thread I was thinking you should just cut them loose, but your most recent post made me rethink that. I think I would have a chat with the wife and explain how much she means to you and why. I would start with what you love about them and their friendship and then go into explaining that she may not realize it, but their frugality has become extreme and is making aspects of the friendship uncomfortable. Maybe ask her if she has had noticed the change and listen to what she says. Nothing really justifies some of the things they’ve done, but maybe they are going through some things and handling them badly. The pandemic and not seeing much of people for 18 months may also be a factor. I would listen and then reevaluate.

 

[tzolkin]

We have friends that are more frugal than others and it definitely impacts what type of get together we have with them (one couple in particular we just tend to host them at our house)

I think this is a good point. The OP has complaints about going to expensive restaurants and multiple vacations. Perhaps you don't need to end the friendship, but instead simply not do these types of "big ticket" activities where you're tastes and budgets differ.

On a few rare occasions we have travelled with either my parents or my MIL and even that has been challenging at times. I don't think I could travel with friends or extended family because it would not be an enjoyable experience to me if we were constantly having to compromise or cater to the preferences of all the different adults in the group. My kids have always been very easygoing and my husband and I have the same personality, interests, and priorities so we tend to want to do the same things. It's so much easier to travel when you just have one person who likes the same activities and has the exact same spending habits that you do.

I think the OP and this couple are simply too different to enjoy traveling together. It's probably unpleasant on their end as well because they may feel like they are being pressured to spend more money or do activities that they may not be interested in.

 

[LovesTimone]

What's the point of washing/reusing disposable plates? Why not just use regular plates?

This...is a great point.

That's what I think to... if you are going to have to hand wash disposable plates, would it not make sense just to use your real plates, glasses, flatware and put them in the dish washer, throw in a tab, and press a button...