DD's name & family vent

[design_mom]

.I totally agree with you here, Mrsklamc. Any CIVIL human being would respect her wishes. Unfortunately, she does not seem to be dealing with civil people. It's a respect issue, not really about the name. The question is -- how do you deal with that when you really *cannot* control the words that come out of someone else's mouth.

It seems like the options/suggestions are:
-- Ignore it and hope the bullies get bored.
-- Make a big issue about it.
-- Call the offenders nasty names
-- Cut the offenders out of your life until they stop 'disrespecting you.'

IMHO this is a "pick your battles" thing. If you put your foot down, this one is going to be a really hard one to win *especially* if they're doing it to annoy you on purpose. (If they are nice people and simply don't realize how strongly you feel about the issue, that's another story...but it doesn't sound like it's the case.)

I think your best bet would be to ignore it and/or laugh it off. Likely, they'll get bored with it. And at the very least, if they don't think it's getting to you, it'll probably die out on it's own. The rest of the civilized world will call her what you want her to be called, so it'll just be a few "losers" that don't.

They're acting like bullies -- maybe they'll go away when they stop getting a response. Especially since your daughter is an infant and hasn't expressed her own wishes about her name yet, I think you've got time before you have to worry about her thinking it's okay to disrespect you.

If you make a big deal about it and they don't back down, you're going to box yourself in to where you *have* to issue an ultimatim... and then you will have to go through with it or you really will be in a "disrespecting me" situation.

If you start calling them names, you crawl right down into the gutter with them.

If it really is a big deal, the only way you can solve it with certainty is to cut them out of your life. But IMHO that's a big step over a nickname, and aside from teaching your kids "not to let someone disrespect you", you might end up teaching them that it's okay to 'cut someone off" whenever they make you mad. I don't know the full extent of your situation -- and I definitely think there are some situations when cutting-off is warranted -- but that's not a step *I* would be willing to go to over this. It's something only you can decide.

This is not a battle I'd be willing to fight because it's one that's so tough to win.

 

[crisi]

I don't have any advice, but a quick story. I have a Christopher. I named him that because I love the name, but really don't like the name Chris. I've always called him Christopher and so has the family. At least until he turned 4. At 4, he was in preschool and had to learn to write his name. They want them to learn to write the name they will go by. So they made a chart with how many letters were in everyone's name. There were a few 4's, a bunch of 5, 6 and 7's, and then Christopher - 11 letters. After 2 weeks of really trying to write Christopher, the teacher asked me if he could be Chris as it was just too hard for him to spell Christopher.

He is now in 5th grade. He is still Christopher to me. He now writes Christopher on all his papers (finally learned to write it in the middle of 1st grade). His friends sometimes call him Chris and sometimes Christopher. He doesn't care. His little brother and sister sometimes call him Chrifoter (from when they couldn't say Christopher when they were younger). I did learn my lesson on names though. I named my twins Joshua and Katelyn. They go by Josh and Katy. DD doesn't even recognize Katelyn when written out as her name. She knows she is Katy. I figure when she is older and doesn't want to be Katy anymore, she has Katelyn to fall back on, but she will probably always be Katy to me.

We didn't need the first time to figure it out - we just made sure to name our kids names where any shortened form was acceptable to us. Because it isn't just your relatives or your kids friends - your lovely Rebecca decides at 13 that she LOVES the Reba you dislike and the Becky you called her as a child is too babyish.

They could go through a whole name change, but that's harder.

 

[MinnieMouse73]

And then to add to the confusion, there are people like my friend whose parents intentionally give them names that can't be shortened. Her name is Jan - just Jan, nothing else. I met her at college and a group of us college friends have only ever called her ..... Janice!

My daughter is Holly - which I would have thought is pretty hard to shorten (though that wasn't why we chose it). We have one friend, however, who calls her Hols - always has! It doesn't bother us at all

 

[foreverlost]

I had the same problem. I gave up. My daughter (Alana) is called Lana, LaLa, Ana, Lana Mae (***) Alaina, Ala, AD (her initials) etc... everything EXCEPT Alana. It's a losing battle with some people.

 

[KirstenB]

OP, I'd let this go. Your child is still very young, and you'll likely have really important things to go to bat for. Anything safety related for instance. Carseats, age-appropriate foods (grandparents sometimes forget that certain foods are choking hazards, etc), no smoking around your child, etc. IMHO, if you start picking things like this as your battle, it'll be harder to get them to respect genuine safety concerns.

 

[missj1975]

Well, I guess I'm fortunate that for now, what some of your may consider a "minor" topic, is at the top of my list. Trust me when I say that I've had more than my share of very major things at the top of my list.

I wrote about this topic here because I think it's a respect issue and I wanted to see what others outside of the family think.

To me respect is a very important topic, not a minor one. Respect is something that everyone should give and just as importantly, get. If I allow people to disrespect me, I'm in effect, disrespecting myself. If I allow people to disrespect me in front of my children or where my children are concerned, I worry that my children will in turn think it's ok to disrepect me as well. I worry that one day, my DD will ask me and DH why so and so calls her X when we or she asks them not to.

I understand what you are saying and I agree that they are disrespecting you and your wishes. I think you should just keep correcting them and hope they eventually get the point. Or you could start shortening your relatives names in weird ways and see how they like that.

 

[Imtink2]

I understand what you are saying and I agree that they are disrespecting you and your wishes. I think you should just keep correcting them and hope they eventually get the point. Or you could start shortening your relatives names in weird ways and see how they like that.

Well I'm going to either continue correcting them or ignore it and hope it goes away on it's own. Thanks again everyone for your input.

 

[skjj2009]

I think you'd do well to ignore them and teach your dd the name you'd like her to be called. They are doing it to get under your skin and you are letting them which is giving them pleasure. obviously these people are immature so to be the bigger, more mature person you should just go about your business and your child will take care of it when she is old enough to correct them.

My son's name is Jacob...I do not like his name. I didn't want to name him this however dh did and since I named our dd I gave in. Every boy and their brother right now has the name Jacob...I wanted Andrew but dh's brother has a son named Andrew and they would have had the very same last name so in order to avoid any conflict in the future I decided to relent to Jacob. We don't call him Jake or Jacob I call him by his initials JT (no periods). My son is almost 4 and I asked him the other day if I could call him Jake and he said, 'no mommy I JT.' We will call him funny names to play with him...like we'll say JT is a meatball and he says 'I not meatball I JT' so eventually your dd will get to the point where she will say to people my name is 'X' not 'Y'.
I have some family that prefer Jacob or Jake and I tell them you can call him that if it makes you happy however he'll won't have any idea you are talking to him since he will tell you himself his name is JT. Those same family members say they don't like that we call him JT and I say to them...well good thing he's not your kid then since you don't like his name I'd never alienate my family away from my children over a name...I think that's highly irrational and a bit over the top. If that's the only thing you ever have to worry about with your child and your family I'd say you are considered lucky.

Good luck. I know it can be annoying (my MIL is the queen of annoyance but I've learned to tune her out or just tell her outright my opinions) but I'd try hard not to let these people get to you. Life is too short to worry about other people's pettiness.

 

[michael's mom]

Well I'm going to either continue correcting them or ignore it and hope it goes away on it's own. Thanks again everyone for your input.

Good Luck Tink! I can't believe how many people find it acceptable to insult you (and technically all who feel the same as you) when you know they probably wouldn't say half of this stuff to your face! Anyway, hopefully whatever you do decide will work out for the best. I know my shoes are a bit different because it's my sisters not SIL'S and it's easier to just say cut it out. I will continue to correct them when they call him Mikey and, just as you mentioned before, if he decides to be Mike or Mikey (cringe) then that's fine.

However, to whomever decided that it was wrong for us parents to choose a name for our child even though we didn't like the nickname, shame on you. If I wanted to have my son called Mikey, that'd be on his birth certificate! Not all names must be shortened.

 

[surfgirl]

I can't believe how many people find it acceptable to insult you (and technically all who feel the same as you) when you know they probably wouldn't say half of this stuff to your face!

Respectfully, I disagree.
1) I haven't seen anyone insulting her. This thread has actually remained very civil. (for a posting board)
2) She posted on a posting board. We aren't face to face, so those rules of engagement don't apply. You expect a greater degree of honesty when posting anonymously on the internet.
3) Are only people who agree allowed to post their opinion ?


I see relatives knowing that they can get to her and doing it to bug her. Who is controlling whom ? I also think there are bigger battles to chose, but I'm not in the OP's shoes, so she has to do what she thinks is right. I think she has been presented with a lot of alternatives and some good advice and input.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

I think you are making way too much out of it. But then I think it is a little strange to give someone a name and not expect it to be shortened. I don't know anyone who goes by their full birth name. It seems a little controling to say "My kid's name is xxx and you MUST use that full name." Using abbreviated names is a form of endearment.

Heck, my sister's name is Bobbi and I call her Bob sometimes. Her daughter is Bethany, and I've taken to calling her B. My full name is Kimberly, and they call me Chuckie. It is all done in love, so we don't find it offensive.

I just wonder why it is such a big deal for you.

I take it you are in the Not-so-important camp?

I don't go by a shortened name and in any case that I have to sign my name I use my first and middle names.
My name is Holly, nice to meet you . Now you know someone who goes by their full birth name.

 

[crisi]

It seems to me that no matter what the in laws motivation is, you can't control the actions of others, only the reaction of yourself. You've told them you don't like it. They continue to do it. Are you willing to follow through and deny them access to your family over this? - otherwise, you are going to engage in an eternal battle - a game where they annoy you for fun, and you get annoyed. The other option you have is to let it go. That's pretty much it - those are your choices.

 

[lntsmom]

Fight fire with fire? Let people know that this has become an issue of respect and that if they choose to call your daughter by anything other than her given name you will: 1. Leave the family gathering immediately. and 2. Refrain from inviting them to take part in any gathering you host...forever.

Maybe they'll respond to a temper-tantrum since that sounds like it's about their level.

BTW...I could see going down the road you're on when I had my older son. I chose to give him a family name. He is the third generation William...named after a great uncle and a great grandfather. However, this was the Clinton years and I did not ever want him called Bill, Billy, Willie, or any other names associated with the digusting immoral president.

I solved it by using an ethnic spelling. Nobody in the US knows how Uilliam should really be pronounced, so I tell them it's just the Irish spelling (lol!). He goes by that or Liam, depending. Either one is fine and the question of why "Bill' wasn't good enough for him when it was good enough for the two previous generations was avoided.

 

[bumbershoot]

I solved it by using an ethnic spelling. Nobody in the US knows how Uilliam should really be pronounced, so I tell them it's just the Irish spelling (lol!). He goes by that or Liam, depending. Either one is fine and the question of why "Bill' wasn't good enough for him when it was good enough for the two previous generations was avoided.

You named your son Uilliam! You are my hero!!!!!!! I love that name. Obviously, even though hubby forced me to leave an N off (grr), I like the Irish names.... (sorry, forgot my son's name isn't in my sig...he's Eamon)

 

[badblackpug]

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

 

[michael's mom]

Respectfully, I disagree.
1) I haven't seen anyone insulting her. This thread has actually remained very civil. (for a posting board)
2) She posted on a posting board. We aren't face to face, so those rules of engagement don't apply. You expect a greater degree of honesty when posting anonymously on the internet.
3) Are only people who agree allowed to post their opinion ?


I see relatives knowing that they can get to her and doing it to bug her. Who is controlling whom ? I also think there are bigger battles to chose, but I'm not in the OP's shoes, so she has to do what she thinks is right. I think she has been presented with a lot of alternatives and some good advice and input.

I absolutely do not think that she should have only expected people to agree with her. I do believe that most people here on this thread have been respectfully giving her their opinions...be it in agreement or disagreement. And, I also understand and believe that a bit more honesty is expected...but, I also do not think that everyone has been respectful. We all have our own preferences as to this topic and that has come across fine...but some have chosen to come just short of insulting op and other posters by minimalizing her feelings with comments such as "if you consider this major...", and questioning why people give names to children if they don't like nicknames, etc. Because all in all, this thread is actually about respect of family members, currently surrounding the issue of a child's name. The "respect" issue is a major thing. She has to live with this family forever and we all hope that to be a happy experience. If OP's family does not respect her wishes regarding the child's name (which to some is a huge deal, others not so much)...will they be respectful regarding other bigger issues that will come up with their child such as diet, television, toys, education, etc? So far, it appears that they won't and that is probably one concern of OP (now I know I'm speculating but that's how I would feel).

 

[Vijoge]

As long as they love my kids, I don't really mind what they call them.

Wise woman you are.

 

[bumbershoot]

I think you are making way too much out of it. But then I think it is a little strange to give someone a name and not expect it to be shortened. I don't know anyone who goes by their full birth name. It seems a little controling to say "My kid's name is xxx and you MUST use that full name." Using abbreviated names is a form of endearment.

Heck, my sister's name is Bobbi and I call her Bob sometimes. Her daughter is Bethany, and I've taken to calling her B. My full name is Kimberly, and they call me Chuckie. It is all done in love, so we don't find it offensive.

Hi I'm Molly, and in general, we call each other by our full names 'round here. Like I mentioned, my half brothers are Matthew and Michael, not nicknames. My stepmom does call her daughter Cady "Cade", but stepmom is tired now and everything was relaxed for Cady from the very beginning, LOL. My brother is only a shorter name than what he was given b/c he legally changed it and iced out everyone who called him by his old name.

My husband is Robert and IS Robert.

We choose names b/c we like those names.

If we wanted the nickname for that name, we would have named our children THAT. Take me, for an example of that. My mom didn't want a Mary, she wanted a Molly. So she named me that. She could have used Mary and then used the nickname for Mary, which is Molly. She didn't. She wanted Molly, she named me Molly.

While I totally support your right to correct those with the proper name of your child. I do not think the OP should follow #4. You should not, IMO, teach your child to chastise people for doing what is a VERY INNOCENT mistake. And really, obviously it was not trouble with pronouncing the name, it was an attempt at a loving nickname (in many cases). So I would not teach my child to speak to an elder this way. MAYBE (although I wouldn't do this either - maybe they LIKE the nickname) I would have the child say 'Actually I like being called....' but after responding to the adult who is speaking to him/her sure is way more disrespectful than a playful attempt at a nickname. I would never let my child make them feel totally stupid and humiliated for trying to show they love and feel close to my child.

I think that your relatives are not as rotten as the OP's and, possibly, Kickapoo's relatives....yours might be well meaning and loving, but those relatives of theirs do NOT sound like that.

My DD2's name is Elizabeth. We call her by Elizabeth. No shortening. If I had wanted her to be called Liz or Beth or something else, I would have named her that. I told my DH BEFORE she was born, that she WILL BE CALLED ELIZABETH, or we will not name her that. I told everyone in the family that too. I would be SO MAD if they insisted on calling her a nickname, and I would make a HUGE DEAL OUT OF IT! Yes, her name may be shortened when she is older, but right now I have control and this is what I say. I will also be telling her teachers to call her Elizabeth (and not shorten it). I tell my family that they can call her by something else (honey, pumpkin, little girl, etc.), but NO NICKNAMES out of her name. As you can tell, I'm a little sensitive about this and have a strong belief on this.

Being the sister of a Rob who was once a Robin, I *beg* you to start easing up on your heart, just in case Elizabeth decides she likes a different name better. It took my mom quite awhile to drop the "in" when talking to him, and it caused some strife there. But he wouldn't answer to the old name, from the day he decided to change it, and ultimately it was my mom's brother (a lawyer) who helped him "do the needful" to change it legally.

We've been on the other end of it and DH's feelings were really hurt. DH was trying to show affection to Dniece, calling her "Judy Judy" and making a little song for her with that name. DSister was VERY upset, and made it quite clear to DH that her name was Judith - never to be shortened (very odd to us, as she is named after our deceased mother, who always went by Judy and hated the name Judith, but oh well).

Have you mentioned that confusing tidbit about your mom? What is your sister's explanation?

By the way, kudos to her, for bringing back a name! It was my mom's, too. And she too was a Judith who was Judy from day one... The family actually believed in naming what you're calling the kid, but by kid three, my mom, things had fallen apart, and she was branded Judith while called Judy. By the 4th it went to pieces, b/c they made their first boy a Junior, James, but called him...Renny. There's a reason, but still....weird.

I can understand liking a long name better than a short one, but honestly I have never really understood parents who get actually very upset by this. I had a friend, 'jennifer' as a girl and her father would correct me almost every time I said her name in his presence. I have a good friend who named his twin daughters Candace and Amanda - and I immediately thought 'candy and mandy' and he quickly corrected - NO (they didn't even realize it could be that until after they had 'officially' done the paperwork). But it will not surprise me, and shouldn't surprise him if they are called that.

Why do YOU, upon hearing a person's name, leap immediately to a nickname? Why not just use the name you were just told????




Hubby has a strange thing going on with certain people, where he will say "Hi my name is Robert", and they won't even use his name once, they *immediately* will say "Hi Bob" or "Hi Rob" etc. It's *mystifying*. And when you are NOT a nickname, calling you by a nickname is like using a totally different name. To call a Robert "Bob" is the same as if you just started calling him "Liam". It's a DIFFERENT name, NOT the name that you are.

We live in a building with mainly senior citizens, and we know there are some hearing issues like when people call DS "Damon" instead of Eamon, but we just don't understand why this one relatively younger guy continues with Bob when that's not how Robert introduced himself, it's not what I call him in front of the guy, and so on.

I just don't understand people who leap to nicknames before they've even tried to get used to calling the person by their proper name.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

If we wanted the nickname for that name, we would have named our children THAT. Take me, for an example of that. My mom didn't want a Mary, she wanted a Molly. So she named me that. She could have used Mary and then used the nickname for Mary, which is Molly. She didn't. She wanted Molly, she named me Molly.

Really, I've never knew Mary could "translate" to Molly. Only have heard each as their own name. Learn something new every day.

 

[Tigerlily952]

I wanted to add that my parents named me one name and referred to me by a nickname that though common for my name is not that close. So when I got married and registered with my legal name nobody recognized my registry. I decided right then and there my children would not have names that would get nicknames.

tigerlilly952