DD's BF committed suicide last night, Memorial Service UPDATE #190

[stinkerbelle's mom]

OMG how sad! So sorry for all involved, especially your dd!

 

[arminnie]

My best friend's nephew killed himself after his girlfriend broke up with him. He was a smart, handsome young man (19) with a close family that loved him very much.

He was kind of shy, and this was his first girlfriend. I have no idea if the mother had thoughts of blame towards the girl when she first heard the news - who knows what anyone would do in the midst of such horrible, horrible grief.

But the family DOES NOT blame the girl at all. It was a tragic, tragic loss. So sad that he could not see past the hurt.

Haven't most of us felt ripped apart by a lost love - the first time it happens the pain is so awful. It's just that the vast majority of people just go forward, and years later barely even remember it. When you are so young and it is your first love, some unfortunately cannot see their way out of that pain.

My sister was verbally attacked by the mother of a man she knew who had committed suicide. She was only a casual friend - one out of a group of about 15. The man had suffered from alcoholism and severe depression (including hospitalization) for years and years.

The mother chose to blame his friends for not "saving" him. It's not like they were hard partiers who enabled his drinking. He distanced himself from them as he chose a path that involved way more alcohol than they were comfortable with.

My sister was a 40 year old adult and knew that the man was severely mentally ill, and that it was not her fault. I hope your daughter can actualize this also even at her young age.

 

[grinningghost]

All I can say is, I am so sorry. Suicide is never a good choice, for the person who does it and the people who are left behind to pick up the pieces - for a lifetime.

 

[debbiedoo]

Muffy, since your daughter is going to read these messages, let me just add:

Darlin' you did absolutely nothing wrong. You will tell yourself that and try to believe it, but then something in a quiet moment will make you doubt yourself. You will think at that moment, maybe I could have done something differently to save him.

You couldn't.

And if anyone else wants to play the blame game, it's because they are feeling the same way and wanting to project that onto others as a way of easing their own pain.

Work on healing yourself and know you are not alone.

My prayers are with you, that God will wrap His arms around you and hold you tight throughout all of this.

very well said


prayers and hugs going out to all involved

i'm so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this, I am glad that your DD is going to a counselor

 

[love2disney]

Hope ur DD has started to heal a bit by now. Hopefully she understands that its not her fault. For the posters who are thinking that the boys mother is being irrational should spare a thought for her. She raises a son to teenage, all trials and tribulatons of raising a child. Then one day her son says his GF broke up with her and next day he commits suicide. In her state of grief the natural reaction would be to find some reasoning behing this senseless act. Give her time she just lost a child, she will recover and hopefully reach out to ur DD to tell her it was not ur DD's fault.

 

[Imzadi]

There is a wonderful, soothing & comforting book that gently walks a person through the 5 stages of loss & grief. How to Survive the Loss of a Love. The name seems to suggest it's only for loss of a relationship, but it is really for all forms of catastrophic personal loss: the death of a loved one, loss of job, income, dreams, freedom, divorce, etc. The grief stages are always the same.

It is a very easy read, especially for someone who can't handle too much input at such a time. It is recommended over & over by counselors. What's great about this book is that it walks a person through the 5 stages of grief so that the person can know what's coming and where they are. People feel so embraced by the various chapters, understanding that they are NOT alone in what they are experiencing, and that it is a very natural process.

The 5 stages of grief are:
1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why ME? It's not fair!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my child(ren) graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

People often cycle through the various stages, back & forth. Some days will be better than others. But there will come a day when DD knows she is healing. She will be able to hang onto that day, with a breath of fresh air, even as she cycles back on other days.

Understanding the stages will also help your DD to better understand what the BF's mother is going through. Right now she is in major denial & anger. Denial that her son had any responsibility in his own choices. Denial & guilt that she might have seen some signs that he was unbalanced or unable to cope in healthy ways, and the fear that she might have been able to do something.

The mom's anger is also her way of dealing with her own guilt & fear. At this point, it is easier to blame your DD, then face the guilt and absolute helplessness. Doing so, may be her emotional undoing at this time. She may be only hanging on by a thread as it is. Having someone else to blame (wrongfully so,) may actually make her feel stronger. Anger sometimes does that.

Some people never get past this stage to acceptance. Acceptance that it happened. That perhaps no one could have stopped it. That no one involved is a trained counselor. That even the most seasoned suicide counselors lose people.

DD needs to be prepared for this and still know she is not to blame, no matter how much or how long the mother feels it.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Muffy I am so sorry this happened. I do want to add something though. We had a boy at my school die in a tragic accident a week ago and I know there was almost instantly an "RIP Josh" page on myspace. A lot of kids were leaving comments (in fact that is how I found out about it, because DD knows a boy in my district who had left a comment). You may want to keep your DD away from myspace/facebook for a while, in case people are leaving hurtful comments on her pages. Or at least until you can check them out. People can be a lot meaner in cyberspace than they would ever be face to face.
Robin M.

 

[NHAnn]

Muffy and DD: I have nothing to add to what has already been posted, except to offer my sorrow and prayers, and wish you peace and healing.

 

[JKMastalski]

I truly hope that this young man's family realizes that this was far beyond anything that your daughter did.
He and his family and you and your daughter will be in my prayers tonight.

 

[Steamboat Marti]

I can't even imagine the pain for all of you. Whatever you both need, please make sure you ask for it. If we can't help you here there are many places that can. The only person responsible for their own life is themselves. Your daughter cannot be blamed for this. She's grieving too! I'm glad she's talking to somebody. I wish there were more we could do.

 

[Sandy321]

How very sad!

I will add my thoughts and prayers for the families. May your dd hear the counselor and know in her heart that she did nothing wrong - it is tragic when someone takes his life, but it could've been so much worse... I agree with another poster that said he was showing signs of controlling, and suicide is the last control... I only hope his family is also able to get counseling and in time they will be able to apologize for their hurt they cause during their grief...

I'm glad you are making time to take your dd to the funeral home for closure - there are great books out there to help bridge the gap - just give her time and space to grieve in her own way - may time help heal all!

 

[diznygirl]

Muffy - more prayers being said.

 

[Tasha+Scott]

Oh, how very sad! I am so sorry! A good friend of mine committed suicide in high school when his girlfriend dumped him as well. He had not been dating her long at all. It was horrible but he did have issues that I didn't fully know about until later.

I feel awful for your daughter. I am sure this will be terribly hard on her. I feel sorry for his parents, family, and friends as well. It is always so terrible when others are left behind to deal with the tragedy. I know my friend's parents have never been the same since losing their son. He was also their only child.

 

[Muffy]

Yesterday we heard from the boys parents spokesperson and were asked to attend his memorial service on fri morning. The spokesperson said at first they didn't want DD to attend but have decided she was the love of their sons life and he would want her there. I may no longer be thinking rational but I am scared about this memorial service. I pray the mother is not out for revenge. DD feels she needs to go and we will go together if I can get myself to follow through. I just feel she had a very close call and his mother did not sound rational leading up to the sucide. The call in the middle of the night from her was positively frightning beyond discription. The mothers grief scared me like never before. I can't help but further worry about her stability at this time and if my DD is safe at this service. Today I will call the mother's best friend and gently inquire about things.

 

[JunieJay]

Oh my goodness Muffy. You and your poor daughter. She sounds like a remarkably strong young woman, thank goodness. I know if it were my daughter I'd be worried sick too, and I agree if she goes to the memorial service you should accompany her. I feel terribly for this boy's parents but I feel equally terrible for you and your family. My thoughts are with you all.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am sure nothing will happen at the service. Time to go and get some closure.

 

[LoraJ]

I am sure nothing will happen at the service. Time to go and get some closure.

I agree.

If anyone makes her feel uncomfortable, you can just leave.

 

[3jsmommy]

Yesterday we heard from the boys parents spoke person and were asked to attend his memorial service on fri morning. The spoke person said at first they didn't want DD to attend but have decided she was the love of their sons life and he would want her there. I may no longer be thinking rational but I am scared about this memorial service. I pray the mother is not out for revenge. DD feels she needs to go and we will go together if I can get myself to follow through. I just feel she had a very close call and his mother did not sound rational leading up to the sucide. The call in the middle of the night from her was positively frightning beyond discription. The mothers grief scared me like never before. I can't help but further worry about her stability at this time and if my DD is safe at this service. Today I will call the mother's best friend and gently inquire about things.

I understand your concern but to say that maybe the mother is planning some sort of revenge is a little much. It was gracious of them to invite your daughter & I think she should pay her respects along w/ you. I would try to keep it as drama free as possible, but considering the situation I would be ready to leave if anyone gets too upset by her presence.
I am saying a prayer for that poor family, their son is gone forever & of course that is not your daughters fault AT ALL but she is going to be ok & who knows what your emotions would be towards him if God forbid the shoe was on the other foot. I know you are all in alot of pain especiallly your DD, I hope you all find some peace.

 

[Tantor]

I agree.

If anyone makes her feel uncomfortable, you can just leave.

ITA

 

[marshallandcartersmo]

Could you talk to the mother yourself?? I understand she's very fragile right now, but going through a spokesperson for something this touchy may not me the best move.

I would call her spokesperson/best friend and ask that she have the mother call you.........that way you can ask the mother if for sure she (and the entire family) is ok w/DD coming to the funeral. You can tell from the conversation a little bit of her state of mind.
Maybe tell her you and your DD planned on going to see her son at the funeral home before the services started.....maybe she'd prefer that.

I wouldn't call her, it might take her off guard. Have her friend/spokesperson call you.

How is your DD holding up? She's not at school, right? The long Christmas break couldn't have come at a better time...........