DD's BF committed suicide last night, Memorial Service UPDATE #190

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Wow, I would be nervous to that she may say something to your daughter at the service. But I agree if things get tense, you can always leave.

 

[pixie dust 112]

Sending some more hugs and thoughts your way. I'm so sorry that your family and exBF's family have to go through this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Wow, I would be nervous to that she may say something to your daughter at the service. But I agree if things get tense, you can always leave.

You know what though? Let it happen and let it get dealt with in that setting.

I would rather my dd just experience the emotions, wrath, etc...to begin a path to healing.

You never know how much healing can happen. A hug from her to the mother may be what is needed.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I have been following this thread and keeping you and his family in my prayers.

When you first talked to his mother she was in shock and in the kind of grief that all of us hope to never experience. She was probably alone or at least had only a few people around her and had not even had time for any of this to sink in. She was lashing out and your dd was just the convenient scapegoat.

I strongly suspect that since then she has been surrounded by family and friends and possibly her spiritual leader. I would think they have been helping her to deal with that initial anger and grief and letting her know that this is NOT about your daughter. Particularly her minister or any counselor that she might be talking to. I think that most others are more able to see the reality that this has nothing to do with her and is about him and about problems that he had. And usually those on the outside may have noticed issues long before or knew that things were not right. These reminders to the mother and the support to her are probably what has lead her to realize that he loved your dd and that she should be at the service and thus this invitation.

The mother is probably going to have a hard time talking to your dd, and to you so give her time. I would definitely go with her, and maybe even have another adult, one not emotionally involved with this like just a friend of your family to go also for moral support of you and your dd, just in case. I would probably just plan to sit near the back and make ourselves as unobtrusive as possible and be ready to make a very quick exit if necessary.


There are not enough for your dd or for his family for this.

To your DD: You can not ever blame yourself for this. And you did do the right thing in following your gut and getting yourself out of a relationship that you didn't feel comfortable in, no matter what time of year it was. Don't ever stop listening to your instincts. Don't ever stay with someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings or out of a fear of something like this again. You are an extremely intelligent and strong woman with a beautiful soul. Your parents have done an excellent job in raising you. Stay strong and know always that you could not have prevented this.

 

[Sandy321]

Just follow your heart, let your dd decide how she feels, will her friends be able to come with her also?

I cant help to say it sounds like the mother is also trying to be very controlling, from blaming to arranging your dd... I think you are right to be concerned - has your dd met the mother? What are her impressions?

Hugs, and more prayers!

 

[lucyanna girl]

I have been following this thread and keeping you and his family in my prayers.

When you first talked to his mother she was in shock and in the kind of grief that all of us hope to never experience. She was probably alone or at least had only a few people around her and had not even had time for any of this to sink in. She was lashing out and your dd was just the convenient scapegoat.

I strongly suspect that since then she has been surrounded by family and friends and possibly her spiritual leader. I would think they have been helping her to deal with that initial anger and grief and letting her know that this is NOT about your daughter. Particularly her minister or any counselor that she might be talking to. I think that most others are more able to see the reality that this has nothing to do with her and is about him and about problems that he had. And usually those on the outside may have noticed issues long before or knew that things were not right. These reminders to the mother and the support to her are probably what has lead her to realize that he loved your dd and that she should be at the service and thus this invitation.

The mother is probably going to have a hard time talking to your dd, and to you so give her time. I would definitely go with her, and maybe even have another adult, one not emotionally involved with this like just a friend of your family to go also for moral support of you and your dd, just in case. I would probably just plan to sit near the back and make ourselves as unobtrusive as possible and be ready to make a very quick exit if necessary.


There are not enough for your dd or for his family for this.

To your DD: You can not ever blame yourself for this. And you did do the right thing in following your gut and getting yourself out of a relationship that you didn't feel comfortable in, no matter what time of year it was. Don't ever stop listening to your instincts. Don't ever stay with someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings or out of a fear of something like this again. You are an extremely intelligent and strong woman with a beautiful soul. Your parents have done an excellent job in raising you. Stay strong and know always that you could not have prevented this.

Wonderful advice.



Penny

 

[Muffy]

It is not words I was nervous about. I think there is alot we didn't know about this boy and may never know. All I know for sure is I am so fortunate he didn't take her with him.

We will go the memorial service and support his family the best we can. You have no idea how much your advice has helped us. DD read all the messages last night and every one of them helped in some way. Thank you.

 

[Cool-Beans]

I don't know that I'd let my DD go, given the circumstances. I might say, "No, you have no place there. You'd broken up with him before he died, from that point on his life was his own. You have no business there." That's probably how that would go.

If the mom starts in on your daughter - blaming her for the boy's death - I'd just tell the girl that the kid was a nut and so is his mom. But if you suspect that your daughter's presence could hurt the woman, don't let her go. And if you suspect that the woman might start in on your daughter, don't let her go.

Your daughter doesn't need closure. She got closure when she broke up with the boy. From that point on, his life and his action and his death are all his business. None of it has anything to do with your daughter. That's the message I'd be sending her if she seemed at all confused about it.

People kill themselves, they have their reasons.

 

[horseshowmom]

It is not words I was nervous about. I think there is alot we didn't know about this boy and may never know. All I know for sure is I am so fortunate he didn't take her with him.

We will go the memorial service and support his family the best we can. You have no idea how much your advice has helped us. DD read all the messages last night and every one of them helped in some way. Thank you.

Muffy, you have to do what you think is best. It's really a difficult situation. I know that you don't want it to look like your DD is uncaring about what has happened. In my case, I don't think that I'd go. I would be afraid that my presence would just add to the drama. I don't know that I'm right, but I would feel that way.

It bothers me some that the mother wants her there "because she meant so much to her son and he would want her there". Almost like he's still in charge. If your DD wants to be there, then I'd probably allow it, but I would try to sit in the back and be as inconspicuous as possible (wouldn't file past the casket and would just step out the back). If it's going to make her feel even worse than she already does, I'd probably not go.

I'm so sorry for what you're all going through.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think a funeral service gives closure in many ways, to many people.

I would go with DD. I would make myself "part of the crowd"...in other words, go into the church, sit with the congregation, and attend the service. Then leave. Pretend as if this young man wasn't DD's ex-boyfriend, but simply another boy who attended high school with your DD. And then behave accordingly. I would impress upon DD that her public behavior cannot be "over the top", or that will put the thought into everyone's mind that she feels some level of guilt or responsibility for his actions, which she does not and should not. What she does at home or in the counselor's office is one thing...her public behavior could determine people's reactions to her when school restarts after the vacation. If she behaves as if she is sad, just like everyone else, but not responsible, then they will too.

If you feel in any way uncomfortable with anything that is happening at the funeral, then certainly leave. I would probably sit nearer to the back of the church or a door where you could make a quick, unobtrusive exit if necessary.

I think the way to go here is very low key, unobtrusive. You are just another mourner.

As a PP said, the mother has now had the benefit of some family and hopefully clergy support. She is living her own personal hell right now, so your kindness toward her and understanding is greatly appreciated I am sure.

As an aside: Have her friends from school heard any "buzz" about what the other kids are thinking????? Sometimes the grapevine is the best source of information.

 

[flipflop]

It is not words I was nervous about. I think there is alot we didn't know about this boy and may never know. All I know for sure is I am so fortunate he didn't take her with him.

We will go the memorial service and support his family the best we can. You have no idea how much your advice has helped us. DD read all the messages last night and every one of them helped in some way. Thank you.

I have been following this thread silently and I am very sorry your family is going throught this. Please trust your instincts about the mother. Our "guts" tell us stuff all the time that we fail to listen to - and those "gut" reactions about danger are often right on the mark. I am not trying to make you paranoid - just validating your concern.

Muffy, you have to do what you think is best. It's really a difficult situation. I know that you don't want it to look like your DD is uncaring about what has happened. In my case, I don't think that I'd go. I would be afraid that my presence would just add to the drama. I don't know that I'm right, but I would feel that way.

It bothers me some that the mother wants her there "because she meant so much to her son and he would want her there". Almost like he's still in charge. If your DD wants to be there, then I'd probably allow it, but I would try to sit in the back and be as inconspicuous as possible (wouldn't file past the casket and would just step out the back). If it's going to make her feel even worse than she already does, I'd probably not go.

I'm so sorry for what you're all going through.

ITA with the above.

 

[Muffy]

As an aside: Have her friends from school heard any "buzz" about what the other kids are thinking????? Sometimes the grapevine is the best source of information.

DD is recieving full support from her school and school friends. The school has set up a counselor area for anyone affected.

The inside word is that he was not stable and the family did know this. There is alot we will never know but he may of been dealing with something that we were not aware of.

 

[robinb]

Your daughter doesn't need closure. She got closure when she broke up with the boy.

It's been a long time since I broke up with anybody, but I can tell you that I never had "closure" from the break-up less than a week afterwards. Even when I was the one doing the breaking up.

It was her choice and the right decision IMO, but breaking up with someone is far more complicated and emotional than your post suggests. She went out with him for over a year ... that's a long time in the life of a 17-year old woman. She just can't turn her emotions off like a spigot. I am sure that she still cared for him even after she broke up with him and is grieving herself. Not a "guilty" grief, but a genuine heart wrenching loss. She does indeed need to mourn and have closure. I am glad that the mother of the BF invited her to the services and I would suggest that the OP and the DD go to them together.

 

[horseshowmom]

DD is recieving full support from her school and school friends. The school has set up a counselor area for anyone affected.

The inside word is that he was not stable and the family did know this. There is alot we will never know but he may of been dealing with something that we were not aware of.

Thank goodness for the support she's getting. I'm so glad this isn't turning into a "his friends her friends" kind of thing.

As far as the family goes, they may have had a lot invested in your daughter because they thought she "was good for him" (if you know what I mean). I know of a situation where that was the case. The couple married, he became involved in drugs and was abusive, eventually divorced, and he did kill himself. At first they were angry with her because, in their opinion, if she had stayed with him the death wouldn't have happened. Of course, that wasn't the case. She was not responsible for all of the bad choices he made, and his parents did finally come to understand that (they had been enabling him for so many years that it wasn't easy to come to terms with).

As I said, I'm glad your daughter has the support of her friends. That will help a lot.

 

[Imzadi]

she was the love of their sons life and he would want her there. I may no longer be thinking rational but I am scared about this memorial service. I pray the mother is not out for revenge.

I just feel she had a very close call and his mother did not sound rational leading up to the suicide. The call in the middle of the night from her was positively frightning beyond discription. The mothers grief scared me like never before. I can't help but further worry about her stability at this time and if my DD is safe at this service.

It is not words I was nervous about. I think there is alot we didn't know about this boy and may never know. All I know for sure is I am so fortunate he didn't take her with him.

The inside word is that he was not stable and the family did know this. There is alot we will never know but he may of been dealing with something that we were not aware of.

Please trust your instincts about the mother. Our "guts" tell us stuff all the time that we fail to listen to - and those "gut" reactions about danger are often right on the mark. I am not trying to make you paranoid - just validating your concern.

I say trust your instincts - a MOTHER'S instinct. If you feel this woman may be out for revenge or is herself unhinged enough to do or say something, protect your DD and don't go.

There is a legal term, "You can't unring a bell," meaning once the jury has heard or seen something in court, you cannot simply tell them to forget it. They've heard it, it's in there. It's done.

Even with all the support the mother has gotten, if she sees your DD in person, and in front of the whole community in church, it may unfortunately be the perfect opportunity to spontaneously and unplanned, unleash all her grief and blame on your DD. Screaming, absolutely screaming and wailing how DD was the love of his life & he's gone now because of her.

DD doesn't need to go through that. She is already scarred enough by what the BF did. She doesn't need an episode by the mother, seared in her brain for life. You can't unring that bell.

There will always be other opportunities for DD to meet & talk with the mother later, should they both need it, at the six month anniversary, the one year, etc. Or a mutual time in the future, when they've both sufficiently healed from the initial shock & grief. That might be a better closure.

Just my two cents. Trust your mother's instinct.

 

[ImagineerM]

I just wanted to send my thoughts and prayers for you Muffy!




Cheers,
Josh

 

[DisTeach1]

You sound "iffY' on going to the memorial service, you said, "I will go with her IF I can get myself to follow through". Are you really thinking of not going and not being there with your daughter? This isn't about you...I would not let her face this by herself, no matter how I felt. I just don't know what you meant by "if I can get myself to follow through".

 

[Muffy]

You sound "iffY' on going to the memorial service, you said, "I will go with her IF I can get myself to follow through". Are you really thinking of not going and not being there with your daughter? This isn't about you...I would not let her face this by herself, no matter how I felt. I just don't know what you meant by "if I can get myself to follow through".

She will not go alone! "if I can follow thorugh with ALL of us attending" I was being protective of my DD. We are very lucky he did not kill her too. There is alot we do not know and may never know. Sucide is unexplainable as far as I can see.

 

[Muffy]

I say trust your instincts - a MOTHER'S instinct. If you feel this woman may be out for revenge or is herself unhinged enough to do or say something, protect your DD and don't go.

There is a legal term, "You can't unring a bell," meaning once the jury has heard or seen something in court, you cannot simply tell them to forget it. They've heard it, it's in there. It's done.

Even with all the support the mother has gotten, if she sees your DD in person, and in front of the whole community in church, it may unfortunately be the perfect opportunity to spontaneously and unplanned, unleash all her grief and blame on your DD. Screaming, absolutely screaming and wailing how DD was the love of his life & he's gone now because of her.

DD doesn't need to go through that. She is already scarred enough by what the BF did. She doesn't need an episode by the mother, seared in her brain for life. You can't unring that bell.

There will always be other opportunities for DD to meet & talk with the mother later, should they both need it, at the six month anniversary, the one year, etc. Or a mutual time in the future, when they've both sufficiently healed from the initial shock & grief. That might be a better closure.

Just my two cents. Trust your mother's instinct.

Thank you for your support. Thank you to everyone.

 

[Crankyshank]

Your daughter doesn't need closure. She got closure when she broke up with the boy. From that point on, his life and his action and his death are all his business. None of it has anything to do with your daughter. That's the message I'd be sending her if she seemed at all confused about it.

People kill themselves, they have their reasons.

As someone who was in the same position of Muffy's daughter I can tell you that closure absolutely is needed. Unfortunately, suicide is known as the death one never gets over by grieving professionals because there is no closure with suicide. She might have ended the relationship, but she still cared about the person. Telling someone essentially that she shouldn't grieve or go through the normal grieving behaviors because their breakup was her closure is cruel and can impede the normal grieving process. Again that's something I can attest to from personal experience.

Muffy, I'm so glad that your daughter is being offered so much support from her family, friends, and school community. It really does make things so much easier when you have support of people who love you and understand you. Your DD needs to do what she feels is the best for herself at this time. If it's going to the memorial service, then she needs to go and do that. I would suggest maybe sitting in the back out of the line of sight of the Mother if at all possible.