DD wants a purity ring

[momz]

She is 11. Yesterday, she went to a church function at a friend's church. We attend another similar denomination, so, no issues there.

Apparently, they were discussing the concept of purity. She learned the idea of waiting to marriage, yada yada yada.

I have no problem with her learning these concepts. But, she came home asking if she and her 2 friends can go shopping together to buy themselves purity rings.

Of course, I want her to be very careful concerning who and when she shares the very personal and private moment with. But, I am also a little concerned about her making this decision at age 11 when she has never experienced much in the way of romantic relations.

It's a much different thing at age 11 than at say 17. I don't want her to have later regrets about breaking this kind of comitment.

thoughts?

 

[Jessica14]

I didn't need a purity ring or religion to help me make that decision. It was just a choice I made for myself. It's what I was comfortable with.

I do agree that 11 is young to understand all that a romantic relationship entails. It was much more clear for me to make the decision at an older age when I did know what it was all about.

Maybe she just wants a ring? I would also be concerned that if she breaks the vow she will feel guilty even if its the right person. It's a lovely idea, but maybe she can look it as a promise ring as in she promises to wait until she is older( 18 at least) and has found the right person. Sort of a reminder to use good judgement.

Jessica

 

[LongLiveDisney]

My friends and I all went out to buy purity rings when we were 11 also, after attending a similar function. Our families brought us up that way anyway, so they were glad to let us have them, but I don't think this will cause any future issues with your daughter at all. If, when she gets older, feels she is ready for making that decision, it'll just seem like a stupid ring and she'll do whatever she feels is best. As of now, I think letting her have it will do her no harm. She'll probably forget the purpose of it anyway after a while and it'll just become a ring.

 

[OklahomaTourist]

I think any reasonable notion of reinforcing the decision to wait in today's culture is a positive thing. I applaud her decision, even if at a relatively young age. There's obviously no guarantee that having such a ring will "prove" the purity choice, but given our current hypersexualized culture that turns nearly everything into some kind of double-entendre, I think the fact she wants the ring is a good thing. Power to her.

 

[Colleen27]

I'm not a fan of the purity ring idea so I wouldn't be likely to humor the request. I think it is manipulative for parents or church leaders to convince children to make a promise when they're still too young and immature to understand what it takes to keep their word, and growing up I saw quite a few friends who had made such pledges make terrible decisions in the name of keeping them (the extreme being two classmates who got married halfway through our senior year, as soon as they were both 18, rather than abstain any longer - most didn't go to that extreme but many simply practiced "technical virginity"). Of course, the flip side of that coin is that if the parents or church community don't make a big deal of the ring & pledge that it'll just be forgotten by the time she's actually thinking about such things, but in my experience it doesn't usually go that way. I had friends whose parents reminded them each and every time they went on a date, when they were shopping for prom dresses, etc. that "You promised you wouldn't..." so there was a lot of guilt attached to any thought of making a different choice.

 

[TinkerBelled]

I don't really like purity rings. I actually think they concentrate young people even more on sex--though in a negative light, it builds identity out of sex and makes it a much bigger deal. In other words, I think it's reverse sexualization, focusing attention on the sexuality of young girls.

Perhaps more importantly, the stats show that purity rings don't make a difference, in the end: purity pledgers are as likely to have premarital sex than those without the pledge. The big difference is in contraception, as those who pledge are less likely to use protection. Thus, while pledgers tend to be just as likely to have premarital sex, they're more likely to be engaging in dangerous practices that increase chances of disease and pregnancy. (A link to a Washington Post article on the subject: http://wapo.st/XiiJ5S) My guess is also that purity rings would make it more difficult for a kid to talk honestly with her parents about questions of sex, and parental sex education is really important.

In other words, purity ring or no, stressing protection just in case is absolutely essential, as is letting your daughters know that they can always talk to you about their questions or concerns.

 

[happygirl]

I like the idea. I don't see one thing wrong with it

 

[Disney Doll]

Rather than call it a purity ring how about calling it a "good judgement" ring, as in "Use good judgement in all your decisions"....

 

[kathie859]

Rather than call it a purity ring how about calling it a "good judgement" ring, as in "Use good judgement in all your decisions"....

I LOVE this idea!!! What a great opportunity to have a discussion about several topics (drugs, cheating, lying etc.) and not just "sex".

 

[LongLiveDisney]

Rather than call it a purity ring how about calling it a "good judgement" ring, as in "Use good judgement in all your decisions"....

Now that I think of it, my friends and I didn't even call it a purity ring. It was called a "choices ring" for us. Thanks for reminding me!

 

[marcyinPA]

I don't really understand why this would cause concern? I think at 11, they understand the concepts, but not in a way that an older teen or adult would. But still- she knows what it is for, and she is on board. Why would that be bad? Isn't this what all parents would want for their children? I mean, middle school kids ARE having sex. It is happening out there whether we want to admit it or not. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to have sex (now or in the immediate future) should be a huge relief for you!

 

[luvmy3]

i'm not a fan of the purity ring idea so i wouldn't be likely to humor the request. I think it is manipulative for parents or church leaders to convince children to make a promise when they're still too young and immature to understand what it takes to keep their word, and growing up i saw quite a few friends who had made such pledges make terrible decisions in the name of keeping them (the extreme being two classmates who got married halfway through our senior year, as soon as they were both 18, rather than abstain any longer - most didn't go to that extreme but many simply practiced "technical virginity"). Of course, the flip side of that coin is that if the parents or church community don't make a big deal of the ring & pledge that it'll just be forgotten by the time she's actually thinking about such things, but in my experience it doesn't usually go that way. I had friends whose parents reminded them each and every time they went on a date, when they were shopping for prom dresses, etc. That "you promised you wouldn't..." so there was a lot of guilt attached to any thought of making a different choice.

mte

 

[*JoGo*]

I'm not a fan of the purity ring idea so I wouldn't be likely to humor the request. I think it is manipulative for parents or church leaders to convince children to make a promise when they're still too young and immature to understand what it takes to keep their word, and growing up I saw quite a few friends who had made such pledges make terrible decisions in the name of keeping them (the extreme being two classmates who got married halfway through our senior year, as soon as they were both 18, rather than abstain any longer - most didn't go to that extreme but many simply practiced "technical virginity"). Of course, the flip side of that coin is that if the parents or church community don't make a big deal of the ring & pledge that it'll just be forgotten by the time she's actually thinking about such things, but in my experience it doesn't usually go that way. I had friends whose parents reminded them each and every time they went on a date, when they were shopping for prom dresses, etc. that "You promised you wouldn't..." so there was a lot of guilt attached to any thought of making a different choice.

This. Attended a Christian school. Lots of marriages right after graduation. And there were kids having sex and doing other things while in school. Also, making sex out to be a bad thing can lead to problems later. After a decade of being told sex is bad, one gets married and suddenly sex is good? Not an easy transition for some.

My son is almost 11. He has absolutely no interest in girls. All about sports and video games. If he were to attend an event like OP described, he would be on board with the speaker simply because he has absolutely no interest yet in girls/sex. It's much easier to be "against" something when you have no interest in it or it doesn't effect you in any way. If the speaker talked about banning wearing pink clothes on Thursday, sure, whatever, he doesn't like pink anyway.

I think the event is a good opening for you to further discuss sex, protection, respect, caring for her body, modesty, etc etc. But I think having a ring, if that is still what she wants, would be a nice gift for her 15 or 16 birthday. When she's starting to date and understands exactly what the speaker was talking about in terms of feelings for the opposite sex and resisting temptation. It will have more meaning then than it will now.

Getting jewelry is fun. She might just want to pick out a ring. Especially if her friends are getting rings. I'd let her get a ring. I'd tell her to pick out a ring she likes just because she likes it and save the purity ring for later.

 

[Buckalew11]

I don't really understand why this would cause concern? I think at 11, they understand the concepts, but not in a way that an older teen or adult would. But still- she knows what it is for, and she is on board. Why would that be bad? Isn't this what all parents would want for their children? I mean, middle school kids ARE having sex. It is happening out there whether we want to admit it or not. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to have sex (now or in the immediate future) should be a huge relief for you!

Oh Marcy! Haven't you been around here long enough to have read thread after thread where parents say this is NOT what they want for their kids. (I'm sure they really DO NOT want it for an 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 yo...but older kids...) the mindset of, "Would you buy a car without test driving it first?"

I'm not a fan of a purity ring ceremony (personally, that creeps me out), or girls promising their dads they will stay pure until marriage (creeps me out WORSE) but I see nothing wrong with a young girl this age or older asking for a purity ring. As Disney Doll said, a reminder to make good choices. I do not think there'd be any more guilt involved because of a ring then the promise you might make in your own heart of you end up breaking it later. There is much guilt involved anyway...and most of the time, sex complicates relationships.

I think the idea that Christians think "sex is bad" is one to steer clear of for sure. Sex is not "bad", it is from God and His Word says to keep it within marriage. I think generations ago sex was seen as "bad" for a lot of women especially--sex often meant babies to them...and I'm sure after your 7th or 8th kid, you might see sex as bad and have negative feelings towards it. No choice back in the day, really--women did not take BC/use BC and though they might only do well with 1, 2 or 3 kids...they might end up with 10 or 12.

My daughter wears a band on her ring finger of her left hand. It looks like a wedding ring (in fact, it is prettier than the band I wear on my left hand! lol). I have no idea whether it is a "purity" type of ring or she's sending the message that she is taken/married or something...she's 19 this week and a FR in college.

I think you still need to keep having conversations about it with your DD. Protection, relationships, babies...so much to cover and it can all be life changing.

 

[ilovepcot]

If it was my DD asking for a "purity ring" (a term that makes me cringe), I believe while we were at it I'd insist on a "truthful bracelet" and an "honesty watch."

 

[mdsoccermom]

I don't really understand why this would cause concern? I think at 11, they understand the concepts, but not in a way that an older teen or adult would. But still- she knows what it is for, and she is on board. Why would that be bad? Isn't this what all parents would want for their children? I mean, middle school kids ARE having sex. It is happening out there whether we want to admit it or not. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to have sex (now or in the immediate future) should be a huge relief for you!

If you mean waiting until marriage to have sex which is what a purity ring stands for, then no, I don't want that for my children. I don't want them having sex too young, but I don't want them waiting for marriage, either.

I don't believe in the concept of a purity ring and if my child said she wanted one, I would not entertain that idea at all. I would need a long talk with her instead.

 

[North of Mouse]

If you mean waiting until marriage to have sex which is what a purity ring stands for, then no, I don't want that for my children. I don't want them having sex too young, but I don't want them waiting for marriage, either.

I don't believe in the concept of a purity ring and if my child said she wanted one, I would not entertain that idea at all. I would need a long talk with her instead.

 

[Wendy31]

I don't really understand why this would cause concern? I think at 11, they understand the concepts, but not in a way that an older teen or adult would. But still- she knows what it is for, and she is on board. Why would that be bad? Isn't this what all parents would want for their children? I mean, middle school kids ARE having sex. It is happening out there whether we want to admit it or not. The fact that your daughter doesn't want to have sex (now or in the immediate future) should be a huge relief for you!

I agree!

This. Attended a Christian school. Lots of marriages right after graduation. And there were kids having sex and doing other things while in school. Also, making sex out to be a bad thing can lead to problems later. After a decade of being told sex is bad, one gets married and suddenly sex is good? Not an easy transition for some.

My son is almost 11. He has absolutely no interest in girls. All about sports and video games. If he were to attend an event like OP described, he would be on board with the speaker simply because he has absolutely no interest yet in girls/sex. It's much easier to be "against" something when you have no interest in it or it doesn't effect you in any way. If the speaker talked about banning wearing pink clothes on Thursday, sure, whatever, he doesn't like pink anyway.

I think the event is a good opening for you to further discuss sex, protection, respect, caring for her body, modesty, etc etc. But I think having a ring, if that is still what she wants, would be a nice gift for her 15 or 16 birthday. When she's starting to date and understands exactly what the speaker was talking about in terms of feelings for the opposite sex and resisting temptation. It will have more meaning then than it will now.

Getting jewelry is fun. She might just want to pick out a ring. Especially if her friends are getting rings. I'd let her get a ring. I'd tell her to pick out a ring she likes just because she likes it and save the purity ring for later.

Bolding mine.

I also attended a Christian school & a traditional Baptist church. We were never told sex was bad. Rather, we were told sex was beautiful & something to be enjoyed & shared between a husband and wife. And, yes, we were even told that sex was fun! LOL! So, I never grew up thinking sex was "dirty" or wrong - just that the best choice was to save sex for marriage. So there was no "transition of thought" for us. And, yes, even at our Christian school, there were kids having sex. And there were some who got married almost straight out of high school. So I know, sex happens.

Additionally, my DH was the youth leader at our former church, & we've been leading different teen groups for years. We always tried to be honest w/ our teens about sex & have had several discussions over the years about why choosing to wait is a good decision.

I'm not a prude when it comes to sex. (DH & I have lots of fun!) That said, I hope my children choose to wait. But I've never told them that sex is a dirty or wrong thing. We've discussed respect for one's self (& respect for the person you're dating) & modesty & sex & why it's best to wait. And, when they actually reach dating age, we plan to further discuss sex & consequences & waiting & protection if you don't choose to wait. And, if they choose to wear a purity ring to symbolize their decision to wait, I'm fully going to support them. I don't think abstinence & choosing to wait for the right person is a bad choice at all! (I actually happen to think it's the right choice!) And it's what DH & I want for our children.

While I really didn't want my 11-year-old DD to even be thinking about sex & thinking about whether or not she was going to have sex, if she had asked for a purity ring, we would have had a conversation about sex & what a purity ring means (so that I could be sure she fully understood), & I would suggest waiting to get a ring - for the same reason you stated. I probably would have let her get a ring had she persisted - if I felt it was important to her & not because she just wanted a piece of jewelry. However, I think the ring would mean more when she was actually ready to start dating.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'm sorry, but I don't really fathom why you think this is a bad idea.

Let her get the ring. I don't see what's the harm in encouraging abstinence.

I think maybe someone that young shouldn't be actively thinking about sex, though.

Plus, I can see why some people may see the ring as putting on a show or being smug.

But I think it would be a good idea to encourage the idea of abstinence.

 

[marcyinPA]

If you mean waiting until marriage to have sex which is what a purity ring stands for, then no, I don't want that for my children. I don't want them having sex too young, but I don't want them waiting for marriage, either.

I don't believe in the concept of a purity ring and if my child said she wanted one, I would not entertain that idea at all. I would need a long talk with her instead.

But what if it is what your CHILDREN want? Why would you discourage that?

Personally, I don't know of anyone in my circle of friends who do the whole purity ring thing. But they do talk openly and honestly with their children about sex and they encourage abstinence. I encourage it with my own sons, one of whom is a 17 year old with a girlfriend. But- not only is it something that I want for him, but more importantly, it is something he wants for himself! In no way would I ever EVER encourage him to go against what he strongly believes in! That is just dumb- I'm sorry!