DD wants a purity ring

[luvmy3]

I don't get throwing it out. For me, I gave mine to my husband on our wedding day. I knew another girl who had her's melted and put into her husband's wedding band. Not sure what others did with their's, but I don't know of anyone who just threw it out. I agree about not understanding why someone would do that. Of course, my ring meant something to me. I wore it on my ring finger on my left hand and kept it there until it was replaced with an engagement ring because it meant something to me.

Just curious if your husband had one to give you?
Do all these kids who wear them form some sort of super club and end up marrying eachother?

"purity rings activate"

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Just curious if your husband had one to give you?
Do all these kids who wear them form some sort of super club and end up marrying eachother?

"purity rings activate"

It's not some super club or anything like that. Many teenagers make the decision to wait because they believe that to be what is best for them. For some, they choose to get a ring. People who are married wear wedding rings for many different reasons. For some, it is a reminder to them. For others, it a symbol of love. Others still wear the ring to show the world that they have someone who loves them. Not dissimilar, many teens who choose to get a purity ring have their own reasons for choosing. Some use it to remind them of their commitment to God and themselves. Others wear it to make it known to others out there that they are not interested in the type of relationship that will involve premarital sex and that if the other person is, it is a waste of time to pursue the ring-wearer. Others wear it as a commitment to their future spouse and wear it sort of like a place-holder until their spouse gives them a ring. Then, they can present the ring to their spouse as a symbol that the wearer had been thinking and praying about their future spouse, as well as preparing and guarding their heart for their future spouse.

Many people who make the abstinence commitment do not choose to wear a ring and that's okay, too. It doesn't make their commitment to chastity any less valid or important. Others still make no commitment. That doesn't make them any less marriage material (or any thing else) than those who did wait. The ring is solely for the wearer and has a special meaning for him or her. Many people with rings marry people without rings. Many people who abstained and didn't have rings married people who abstained and wore rings. People who abstained and wore rings married people who didn't abstain. In my specific situation, my husband didn't have a ring for me. It didn't matter to me that he didn't have one to give me, but he has told me how much he values the ring that I gave him.

But, again, the choose to abstain is a very personal one, as is the decision to wear or not wear a ring. Abstaining or not abstaining as well as wearing or not wearing a ring does not make any person better than anyone else. All it means is that you have made a commitment to something and might choose to show that commitment in a piece of metal worn around a finger.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

First of all, choosing to abstain will not guarantee anything-it is the actual abstaining that will prevent those things you mentioned-and the problem for some kids is they make the choice, but don't follow through in their actions.

Also, for me, peer pressure will never be a good thing. I want my child to make choices for herself, hopefully they will be good and sound choices based on HER judgement-not what what everyone else is thinking or doing.

We have societal norms because of peer pressure. We all dress a certain way because that is what we are told we are supposed to wear. We have the manners and decorum that we do because society (or our peers) have told us that is how we are to behave.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am a Christian and believe sex should be something that happens within the context of marriage.

That said, I strongly dislike the whole "purity ring" thing and although I would be happy my kids felt strongly like I do, I would discourage the ring.

In my experience, it is often the most overtly pious who are covertly living quite differently than they proclaim. I believe this kind of example to be detrimental, rather than inspirational. I'd rather my kids not get caught up in a fad, but make their decisions based on their own beliefs and faith.

I want them to want to make decisions each day out of the core of who they are, not based on outward reminders. And, most importantly, I want them to experience grace, not guilt, if they fall short.

I also have a creepy association with some the way some churches do these purity rings, involving ceremonies etc.

Great post! I agree with everything you said.

 

[LuvinLucifer]

As long as she fully undertands what the ring represents and is wearing it of her own free will I wouldn't prevent her from wearing one. I personally would be concerned about whether she even knew the concept of purity and abstinence. At that age the thought of having sex grossed me out, so wearing a ring signifying when I planned to start would've made me feel highly uncomfortable.

I think it's true that merely giving kids purity rings isn't going to prevent them from having sex. Regardless of whether they receive a message of abstinence or safer sex, socioeconomic status is a far greater predictor of whether or not teens(especially girls) become sexually active. I think this indicates that having sex early isn't entirely about sex, but rather issues such as boredom, self-worth, and parental involvement. If someone is involved in two sports, is hoping to get into an Ivy League school, and constantly has their parents, who would "kill" them if they got pregnant, hovering over them they aren't going to have the same opportunities or need to look for gratification in members of the opposite sex that will pressure them as if they were being raised by their single 40 year old grandmother who works the night shift while they struggle to fend for themselves.

 

[nathalee81]

We have societal norms because of peer pressure. We all dress a certain way because that is what we are told we are supposed to wear. We have the manners and decorum that we do because society (or our peers) have told us that is how we are to behave.

I'm sorry, but you kind of missed my point.

I understand there are societal norms, as well-but it doesn't mean they are always right (or that I agree with them).

I don't want my child making choices based on someone else's values and beliefs-I want her to have her own. Even if they are different than mine.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I'm sorry, but you kind of missed my point.

I understand there are societal norms, as well-but it doesn't mean they are always right (or that I agree with them).

I don't want my child making choices based on someone else's values and beliefs-I want her to have her own. Even if they are different than mine.

Okay I see what you are saying. I want my daughter to use her own values and beliefs to make her decisions, as well. However, I do think that her friends will help her choose her values and beliefs, much like her family, church youth group, and other people that she spends significant time with will. So, when I sad that I don't really see anything wrong with peer pressure when it promotes responsible behavior, I meant that I would be happy that her friends were promoting this as it would make it more likely for her to go along with it at first. Then, she will likely start to think about why she is doing what she is doing and explore it further. I simply mean that I would prefer her to be pressured to do something good at first and then evaluate it rather than do something bad and then evaluate it. When I was a teen, I know that I often acted before thinking about why I was doing something. I chose my actions based on how others around me were behaving (for example, clothes I wore, how I wore my hair, what I ate for lunch) and then started to come into my own. If my daughter is to be this way (as I assume most teens are), I would like for her to have friends who make good, responsible decisions.

 

[luvmy3]

It's not some super club or anything like that. Many teenagers make the decision to wait because they believe that to be what is best for them. For some, they choose to get a ring. People who are married wear wedding rings for many different reasons. For some, it is a reminder to them. For others, it a symbol of love. Others still wear the ring to show the world that they have someone who loves them. Not dissimilar, many teens who choose to get a purity ring have their own reasons for choosing. Some use it to remind them of their commitment to God and themselves. Others wear it to make it known to others out there that they are not interested in the type of relationship that will involve premarital sex and that if the other person is, it is a waste of time to pursue the ring-wearer. Others wear it as a commitment to their future spouse and wear it sort of like a place-holder until their spouse gives them a ring. Then, they can present the ring to their spouse as a symbol that the wearer had been thinking and praying about their future spouse, as well as preparing and guarding their heart for their future spouse.

Many people who make the abstinence commitment do not choose to wear a ring and that's okay, too. It doesn't make their commitment to chastity any less valid or important. Others still make no commitment. That doesn't make them any less marriage material (or any thing else) than those who did wait. The ring is solely for the wearer and has a special meaning for him or her. Many people with rings marry people without rings. Many people who abstained and didn't have rings married people who abstained and wore rings. People who abstained and wore rings married people who didn't abstain. In my specific situation, my husband didn't have a ring for me. It didn't matter to me that he didn't have one to give me, but he has told me how much he values the ring that I gave him.

But, again, the choose to abstain is a very personal one, as is the decision to wear or not wear a ring. Abstaining or not abstaining as well as wearing or not wearing a ring does not make any person better than anyone else. All it means is that you have made a commitment to something and might choose to show that commitment in a piece of metal worn around a finger.

Thank you for explaining.
The bolded strikes me as odd though. If you (general you) are so committed to not having pre-marital sex that you wear a purity ring to show your commitment, I would think you would want to marry someone who shared those same beliefs because they are so important to you.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Thank you for explaining.
The bolded strikes me as odd though. If you (general you) are so committed to not having pre-marital sex that you wear a purity ring to show your commitment, I would think you would want to marry someone who shared those same beliefs because they are so important to you.

I'll share my experience. I waited. My husband did not. Later in life, he did make the decision to start abstaining (he started getting more involved in the church, decided that he needed to make changes in his relationships, etc.) and so he did. I had always wanted to marry a virgin, but I knew that it would be very foolish to rule out a wonderful guy simply because he had had sex in the past. What was important to me, though, was that he made the conscious decision to wait and that that decision wasn't because of me. I wanted him to have come to that decision on his own. I had a couple of reasons for this. First, if he came to that decision at all, it would be easier for us both to stop if we felt things might be going too far. Second, coming to that decision on his own let me know that he was committed to the decision and not just telling me what I wanted to hear. It worked out for us.

 

[ZellyB]

Sorry, but am I the only one who thinks, that it is a bit creepy to talk elecen year old children into commitments that affect the next maybe 20 years of their lifes?
It isn't really about the concept itself (which I don't support at all) but about manipulating children in such a way.
Did you know beforehand that a this would be a topic at the church thing?
I think sexuality is a personal thing that shouldn't be affected by group pressure in one way or the other, this is something an individual should decide for themselves after giving it enough thought and I don't think that could ever be the case with an eleven year old.

I agree completely.

 

[ThreeBeans]

I would never allow my children to own anything that suggests their worth as human beings is in any way tied with whom they do and do not choose to have sex.

 

[LongLiveDisney]

I would never allow my children to own anything that suggests their worth as human beings is in any way tied with whom they do and do not choose to have sex.

And a ring does that how?

 

[LongLiveDisney]

With respect to those who do believe in using these types of rings, how can something continue to be revered if it's tossed aside when it's outlived it's usefulness? To me, either it's meaningful, or it's not.

I was actually not sure what the OP's issue was so I wrote what I wrote just to illustrate that owning a ring at age 11 does not mean the rest of the girl's future life decisions are going to be set in stone.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Am I the only one who thought of the Jonas Brothers South Park episode?

I have no comment on it, other than thinking 11 is a bit young, and she probably wants a ring more than anything - especially if some of her friends are getting them.

I would probably let her pick out a smaller birthstone ring or something.

That's kind of what I was thinking. At 11, I bet the daughter wants a pretty ring, like her friends and Selena Gomez wears.

I also agree that with the PP who said that if she stops wearing it, she will be labeled as sexually active even if she isn't.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I was actually not sure what the OP's issue was so I wrote what I wrote just to illustrate that owning a ring at age 11 does not mean the rest of the girl's future life decisions are going to be set in stone.

But that's the whole point of the ring, i.e abstaining from sex until marriage:

A purity ring is a ring that represents a promise, vow, commitment or goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Purity rings are typically worn on the left ring finger. It is significant, in the fact that it is the same finger on which a wedding ring is worn. It is to remind an individual their desire and goal to abstain from sex until marriage. Once marriage takes place, the purity ring is removed and replaced with a wedding ring.

Purity rings (also known as chastity rings, or abstinence rings) originated in the United States in the 1990s among Christian-affiliated sexual abstinence groups. Wearing a purity ring is typically accompanied by a religious vow to practice abstinence until marriage.

 

[MrsPete]

Random thoughts:

11 is plenty old to have a concept of what it means "to wait". Sure, an 11 year old won't grasp the whole picture: That is, she won't understand that she may experience physical desires and pressure from guys, but she's old enough to understand that the world will "encourage" her in a direction that may not be healthy for her in the long run.

I think it's fairly common for girls in middle school -- late middle school -- to decide what they're going to do/not do as teens. I know that I decided around that age that I'd never touch drugs (and I never did), but I'd drink in moderation only once I reached college (and that's exactly what I did). I made other decisions about sex, morality, college, etc. and stuck to them with about 90% accuracy.

I think a girl who decides "to wait" (whether she wears a ring or not) will at least wait longer than a girl who never sets such a goal for herself, and that is a huge positive. I mean, consider the maturity difference between perhaps 15 and 18. An 18 year old is much more likely to use birth control and is more likely to know what she's getting into.

I don't understand the people who are against "waiting". No bad can come of waiting, while much bad can come of having sex too young /with the wrong person. Disease, unwanted pregnancy, emotional entanglements with which the teen isn't ready to deal.

I told my girls (before they had a first boyfriend) that all girls -- or at least almost all girls -- think that their first real boyfriend is "the one"; that is, that most girls believe they're the lucky one-in-a-million who met her soulmate at a very young age, and that she will never, ever look at another boy for the rest of her life. I told them that many girls "say yes" thinking that they're going to marry that fellow anyway. My oldest is in college now, and she's told me that it played out just that way for most of her friends. She thinks I'm brilliant for having told her ahead of time it'd work that way.

I told my girls that they shouldn't have sex while they're still in high school -- under any circusmstances. I pointed out to them that high school is a very small world, and if they broke up with the guy after sleeping with him, they'd essentially be "trapped" with him. They'd still see him in math class, in the hallways, etc. My oldest is quicker to talk to me about such things, and she agreed that she never wanted to be in that situation.

 

[MrsPete]

But that's the whole point of the ring, i.e abstaining from sex until marriage:

I think the point of the ring is that it serves as a physical reminder of a commitment the girl's made to herself. If she's in a situation where she's tempted, it makes her stop and think, "I made a decision. Do I really want to break that commitment now?"

I don't think it's something that's to be shared with other people. I mean, if a girlfriend says, "Cool ring", I would expect a girl to just say, "Thanks, it's new" rather than to expand upon its significance. The ring represents a personal decision.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think the point of the ring is that it serves as a physical reminder of a commitment the girl's made to herself. If she's in a situation where she's tempted, it makes her stop and think, "I made a decision. Do I really want to break that commitment now?"

I don't think it's something that's to be shared with other people. I mean, if a girlfriend says, "Cool ring", I would expect a girl to just say, "Thanks, it's new" rather than to expand upon its significance. The ring represents a personal decision.

I will have to disagree with this, MrsPete. By nature of it being a ring visible to the outside world, it becomes a public thing. Many people know what they are, and if they don't, they're learning. Why not just keep it private, and know it's within your heart if that's what you want to achieve?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Someone upthread mentioned fathers giving these rings to their daughters. I came across this:

Answer:

If you don't want to be overly religious about it, or you are offering it to a younger child, you can have other names for it. my two daughters always called theirs their "Daddy Rings" it symbolized that Daddy would take care of them until they had a husband to do the job. when they were older, they recognized that it was also their promise rings that they would wait for their husbands. their promise was kept to Daddy until the husband comes to love them. Daddy Rings are easier to explain to younger kids. they also mean SO much between little girls and their daddies.

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_a_purity_ring

 

[gwynne]

I will have to disagree with this, MrsPete. By nature of it being a ring visible to the outside world, it becomes a public thing. Many people know what they are, and if they don't, they're learning. Why not just keep it private, and know it's within your heart if that's what you want to achieve?

ITA. It is easy to pop on a ring... What matters is what is in the heart. If it truly is heartfelt you don't need to 'display' ' your commitment - you just live it.