DD rushing for sorority this Fall - need help...

[MomofKatie]

The whole sorority thing just rubs me the wrong way. I know that many do good things...but when it comes down to it, an overweight girl without "cute" clothes will not get a bit. That was one of my freshman college roommates. She was so sweet, kind, and funny...but the sororities didn't even give her a chance. I was in marching band camp while she was rushing, I'll never forget coming back from camp one day, and there she was crying, not 1 sorority (out of SO MANY, big college!) had expressed any interest in her whatsoever.

You can give me the "well, there must have been something wrong with her" or "maybe she was just quiet" or etc. etc. etc....no. That was just wrong. I will never encourage my daughter to join a sorority, and it makes me sad to see these "exclusive" groups that keep nice girls out.

Surprised we went 4 pages before the Greek bashing started...

There were many "nice girls" in my sorority, and a few that were not so nice. Some were too thin, some had "perfect" figures, some were chubby, some more than chubby. Some were gorgeous, some average-looking, some were not conventionally "pretty". Most did well academically, a few needed help.

We had a group of over 150 girls- not everyone was the same. Overall, though, I was proud to be associated with my sisters, whether I was best friends with them or not. I wouldn't change my experience for the world.

If you don't want your daughter to join a Greek organization, fine. But don't put down those that are members or want their daughters to have the experience of Rush.

 

[fae]

Surprised we went 4 pages before the Greek bashing started...

There were many "nice girls" in my sorority, and a few that were not so nice. Some were too thin, some had "perfect" figures, some were chubby, some more than chubby. Some were gorgeous, some average-looking, some were not conventionally "pretty". Most did well academically, a few needed help.

We had a group of over 150 girls- not everyone was the same. Overall, though, I was proud to be associated with my sisters, whether I was best friends with them or not. I wouldn't change my experience for the world.

If you don't want your daughter to join a Greek organization, fine. But don't put down those that are members or want their daughters to have the experience of Rush.

Panhel Love!! So true.

 

[Burnedout]

Not a Greek hater. Teach at a college where we've had several frat and sororities closed over the last 10 years for hazing, breaking campus rules, etc. I've have an office full of people every fall for issues caused by the clubs.

I fully doubt there are any frats or sororities that accept people without considering their looks. Just look at the photos. So saying "I didn't notice" is either ignorant or a lie.

Heck, my sil just got together with her az buds and even at 55 they all look alike! And are still lovely friends!

Otoh, we get some of our best volunteers because of their requirements. (See other thread....

I still think that if someone can't get in on their own mommy should stay out of it. Seriously who wants to get into a social club with a parents help?! Creepy.

 

[AC7179]

I've tried to look at it from the perspective of it might not be for me, but it can be a good thing for some. They just seem so exclusionary to me, which seems so mean-girl. How do you get around that?

 

[Ceila]

I've tried to look at it from the perspective of it might not be for me, but it can be a good thing for some. They just seem so exclusionary to me, which seems so mean-girl. How do you get around that?

How do you get around it? You accept the fact that the stereotypes of the "mean sorority girl" are just that - stereotypes. Sure, there are a few that fit that idea, but many, many do not.

And, if you have a daughter who is interested in rushing, you encourage her to consider all of the houses - not just the "popular" ones or the one who throw the biggest parties. There is almost always a chapter for everyone who is interested, but I've seen girls decide that certain chapters were beneath them and not give them a fair chance.

Unfortunately, there are limits on how many bids each house is allowed to give out, and if you've (general "you") knocked out some chapters just because you don't think they're cool enough, you might not end up with a bid. Note: when I was in a sorority, the number of bid equaled the number of girls going through rush, so it was completely possible for every single girl who was rushing to get a bid if they kept an open mind. I don't know if that's the same now or how it works on other campuses.

 

[minkydog]

I was fortunate to be a Zeta Tau Alpha. We had about 30 girls with many different body shapes and sizes. Weight was never am issue but grades were. I joined in my sophomore year. We did some social work as well as some parties. In all, we were a well rounded group and I'm proud to be a Zeta.

 

[mmackeymouse]

I ended up not being in a sorority, and honestly, I'm glad. I know SO many people who ended up dropping out of their sorority.

My college did not have Greek housing, so there was really no bonus to pledging, other than the actual experience of being in a sorority.

I actually had very little interest in rushing. I had established a close group of friends by the time rush started, and none of them were rushing. It wasn't until my best friend from high school, who attended a different school, joined a sorority and just seemed SO happy that I decided to give it a whirl.

Well, you know how it is. Sometimes, it's once you start going for something, even if you don't really want it, you end up wanting it, just because you get sucked into the striving for it. Does that make sense? I had my heart set on one sorority, kind of the overachieving nice girls sorority. Well, I didn't get it, but I did get invited back to a different sorority and made it to the final round, but didn't get in.

At the time, yes, the feeling of rejection stings. I was more upset by feeling rejected than I was of the prospect of not getting into a sorority. As it was, two friends of mine ended up dropping out of their sorority before year's end, and the one sorority ended up having open enrollment. By that point, I was over it, and just not interested. I had a good circle of friends, and honestly, I liked having weekends free, and not having a huge social calendar. I was able to get and stay involved in other clubs and committees with my extra time.

One good thing came from it: a bit off topic. My very first class of college, for the life of me, I cannot remember what the class was called, but it was journalism related. Our very first assignment...this is kind of embarrassing in a geek sort of way...my professor came up to me and said she was so impressed with my paper she wanted to share it with the class. Well, she actually ended up having me read it in front of the class. Bear in mind, this is like Day 5 of my college career, and I didn't really want my 4 year reputation to be that of keener.

Anyway, while rushing, one of the upperclassmen asked me my name, and I told her, and she is like..."Oh yeaaaahh" all familiar. She is like, I've heard of you. I've heard you are really good. At this point, I am like....uh what? She said "some guy" told her. I wish I knew how many shades of red I turned. I never did find out who the guy was, although I have my suspicions.

While I don't exactly remember the hurt I felt at being rejected, I immensely remember the feeling of pride I had in that moment. So, even if your daughter doesn't get in, something good may come from it...be it a memorable moment or meeting someone who will become a roommate down the line or she realizes on her own she's not interested.

I think the one piece of advice I would give your daughter is just to be aware of how much of a time commitment it is, and if she is going to have a lot going on, or she values her study time or personal time, or wants to be able to go places on weekends without having to plan around things...not pledging would offer her the most flexibility.

 

[mhsjax]

You sound a little bitter, and no, it's called networking. Just like in the work world, you reach out to people you know, and ask them to reach out to people they know.

I do believe that the girl who is rushing should then be the one to get in touch with those willing to give her a reference to give them any information they might need along with the contact information. And, of course, she should follow up with a thank you letter later. But the initial reaching out? Nothing wrong with asking family and friends to ask around for you.



I'm sorry your friend had a hard time, but the truth is that not every chapter cares about weight or having the most current trendy clothes as you seem to think they do. We had several girls in our chapter who were overweight - my "little sis" was one of them. As long as a girl looked presentable (neat clothes, took some time to brush her hair, etc.), she had a good chance of receiving a bid if she had a good personality. We cared about whether a girl was nice, kind, and generally a good person, we didn't care whether she was a certain size or not.

No not bitter at all. Never did the 4 year college thing. Did the 2 year thing and got married and love my life with no regrets. However, to me if it were any other situation, having a parent get involved would be considered helicopter parenting.

Just because we disagree with something or don't like the way something is done doesn't mean we are bitter, but than again, this type of mentality also falls into what I feel is the "Greek" attitude. Something I don't like, never did like and never will like. If others like it fine, but I don't and I am not in the least biter. It just isn't my type of personality to to belong to something like this, never was and never will be.

If my dd decided that she wanted tom that would be her decision. Although I doubt she would, she doesn't like that whole "club" thing.

 

[scrapgal123]

Wow, I haven't been on here for a few days and the thread continues...

Answering a few of the posts without going into each one...

I personally wish my DD didn't want to rush and I persuaded her to not rush last year as a freshman. I, too, am concerned of the negative reputation and stereotypes of sorority girls. But she regretted not doing it last year and is rushing this year as a sophomore.

From what we've read, recommendations are more like introductory letters to the sororities. She would send those willing to help her resume, photo, and is willing to chat via the computer or in person if they are local.

Since Greek organizations are not popular in our communities, it has been difficult finding alumnae. I was a commuter student my self as are most people in my city. Many attend community college first.

I don't consider myself a helicopter mom, just helping my DD network. Since she is not able to discuss the sororities with the friends that are current members, how else will she be able to get tips and letters of recommendation? She doesn't have many friends that are already college graduates...

 

[madge]

From what we've read, recommendations are more like introductory letters to the sororities. She would send those willing to help her resume, photo, and is willing to chat via the computer or in person if they are local.

recs are usually written by sorority alums on behalf of legacies, family, friends, etc. and as you say, are used as a way to introduce someone to the house.

 

[fae]

Wow, I haven't been on here for a few days and the thread continues...

Answering a few of the posts without going into each one...

I personally wish my DD didn't want to rush and I persuaded her to not rush last year as a freshman. I, too, am concerned of the negative reputation and stereotypes of sorority girls. But she regretted not doing it last year and is rushing this year as a sophomore.

From what we've read, recommendations are more like introductory letters to the sororities. She would send those willing to help her resume, photo, and is willing to chat via the computer or in person if they are local.

Since Greek organizations are not popular in our communities, it has been difficult finding alumnae. I was a commuter student my self as are most people in my city. Many attend community college first.

I don't consider myself a helicopter mom, just helping my DD network. Since she is not able to discuss the sororities with the friends that are current members, how else will she be able to get tips and letters of recommendation? She doesn't have many friends that are already college graduates...

I'm not going to touch your comments regarding your feelings on sororities. You daughter can contact your local Alumnae Panhellenic for more information on obtaining recs (some alumnae panhellenics have dedicated rec writers for each of the 26 NPC groups). You can use Google to find this information.

 

[WDWJDS]

Sororities that have "rushes" and "bids" seem to be glorified popularity contests. You can talk about how much community service they do, or the networking benefit all you want, but you can have all of that with a regular club that anyone can join.

Saying things like "Well if you're neat, nice and keep your hair combed, someone will like you" sounds so mean girlish. And yes, I went to and stayed on campus of a 4-year college, so I know a lot about this process.

Would I discourage a girl from rushing, maybe not, but I certainly would give them a whole lot of information about sororities that may not be readily available from members or alumni (before pledging).

 

[NotUrsula]

Not a Greek hater. Teach at a college where we've had several frat and sororities closed over the last 10 years for hazing, breaking campus rules, etc. I've have an office full of people every fall for issues caused by the clubs.

I fully doubt there are any frats or sororities that accept people without considering their looks. Just look at the photos. So saying "I didn't notice" is either ignorant or a lie.

Well, I was a GDI, but I'll throw in my opinion on this, as I had a lot of friends in sororities, and a cousin who was the president of Panhellenic Council.

I'd say that they all "consider" looks, but there are only some sororities where looks are a determining factor -- and the school counts as well: at my school you didn't have a prayer of getting into Tri Delt if you were not thin, blond, and very pretty, but I've seen photos at other schools that tell me that isn't so with every chapter. For the most part, however, it is my understanding that heavier girls will only get bids at the "good" (read: most socially active) sororities if their grades are likely to be great, as they are usually chosen specifically to pull up the chapter average.

...

I still think that if someone can't get in on their own mommy should stay out of it. Seriously who wants to get into a social club with a parents help?! Creepy.

Normally I'd agree with you, but family ties are the way that sororities work, for the most part. It is not only acceptable but expected if you are a legacy, that your mother's friends and former sorority sisters will give you recommendations. At some schools that have a very strong Greek tradition, you won't get past the ice water stage without them.

 

[KarenB]

Our DS called me when he was in college to let me know he was pledging a fraternity. Of course all I pictured in my mind was Animal House! My advice was be smart, you are well aware of consequences if you aren't, and tell me when it (initiation ) is all over. It actually was a very good choice for him. He gained a lot of leadership qualities and earned a 4.0 the semester he pledged.

 

[mfd25wife]

Wow, I haven't been on here for a few days and the thread continues...

Answering a few of the posts without going into each one...

I personally wish my DD didn't want to rush and I persuaded her to not rush last year as a freshman. I, too, am concerned of the negative reputation and stereotypes of sorority girls. But she regretted not doing it last year and is rushing this year as a sophomore.

From what we've read, recommendations are more like introductory letters to the sororities. She would send those willing to help her resume, photo, and is willing to chat via the computer or in person if they are local.

Since Greek organizations are not popular in our communities, it has been difficult finding alumnae. I was a commuter student my self as are most people in my city. Many attend community college first.

I don't consider myself a helicopter mom, just helping my DD network. Since she is not able to discuss the sororities with the friends that are current members, how else will she be able to get tips and letters of recommendation? She doesn't have many friends that are already college graduates...

I wouldn't consider you a helicopter mom, either.

I am addressing some things not in your post, but just from what several stated.

The bid process is not always a popularity contest. I've seen pageant girls, as in Miss America and Miss USA circuit pageant girls not end up in the sorority they prefed. The computer system does some of the matching based on different factors. Where the popularity comes in handy was that the more members or advisers the girl knows, the better her chances. This helps most at the beginning when the houses are having to narrow down the lists. The girls can be voted down by members due to behavior issues. Many sororities have girls of all different shapes and looks. GPA is a huge factor. It's one of the "bragging rights" of the sororities.

Sororities require study hall time. The first semester is crazy busy with meetings, study halls, and drop ins but it slows down. If their grades drop, they end up in a "hearing" and they get extra study hall hours.

Sororities are not for everyone, but they are not a bunch of mean girls, either.

 

[jodifla]

Ah, all the misinformation about sororities. It figures.

I pledged as a freshman and sat in on many bid sessions. No, we were not concerned about girls looking like models. We had all different shapes and sizes and hair colors in my sorority, which is one of the biggest nationally. My campus was huge, Greeks were huge on it, and being in one was a great way to network and get to know people.

What we focused on were grades, leadership, personality. Would they be an active, supportive member? A good friend? That is what we discussed.

When I joined, I found a lot of support with my studies, too. Sororities started off in the 1800s as a way for women to support each other in their studies, as they were ostracized by men on campus. They banded together to survive.

I am still a member of my sorority today. Every town I've moved to, there's been a local group and I've been able to connect in the community with people I otherwise wouldn't have met.

Also, alums DO recommend girls. It's common and not at all unusual for adults to be involved at that level. Sororities aren't just for the 4 years you are in college.

 

[AC7179]

A question: how does the sorority deal with alumni recs when the sorority a status has changed within the university?

The situation I'm thinking of is when I was in college, the Kappas and the Pi Phis were very exclusive, Tri Delts, Theta. Zetas, and A Chi O were kind of in the middle, and AD Pi and Kappa Deltas were the ones you went to if nobody else would take you. Sounds cruel, I know, but it was the way it worked and everybody knew it. It was a rare girl who was a Kappa or Pi Phi who wasn't beautiful, thin, AND rich. You could also generally spot KDs and AD Pis because they didn't look like your typical sorority girl. I had no interest in rushing but had friends that did, but I had no tie to one or the other and I think I was unbiased.

Anyway, one of my daughter's friends attends my same college and wanted to rush. She said she wanted to pledge KD but was nervous because it was hard to get into. Things have changed and now that is one of the sororities that are very exclusive. I wonder if those girls don't see their alumni who paved the way as somewhat beneath them, etc. Pure speculation on my part, and really not a big deal, just wondering if that was common and how it was dealt with.

Anyway, one of my

 

[fae]

A question: how does the sorority deal with alumni recs when the sorority a status has changed within the university?

The situation I'm thinking of is when I was in college, the Kappas and the Pi Phis were very exclusive, Tri Delts, Theta. Zetas, and A Chi O were kind of in the middle, and AD Pi and Kappa Deltas were the ones you went to if nobody else would take you. Sounds cruel, I know, but it was the way it worked and everybody knew it. It was a rare girl who was a Kappa or Pi Phi who wasn't beautiful, thin, AND rich. You could also generally spot KDs and AD Pis because they didn't look like your typical sorority girl. I had no interest in rushing but had friends that did, but I had no tie to one or the other and I think I was unbiased.

Anyway, one of my daughter's friends attends my same college and wanted to rush. She said she wanted to pledge KD but was nervous because it was hard to get into. Things have changed and now that is one of the sororities that are very exclusive. I wonder if those girls don't see their alumni who paved the way as somewhat beneath them, etc. Pure speculation on my part, and really not a big deal, just wondering if that was common and how it was dealt with.

Anyway, one of my

Who writes a rec doesn't really matter so long as they are an alumnae in good standing. A rec is just a letter of introduction for the PNM. What chapters decide to do with that info falls into membership selection and is therefore secret.

 

[pumpkinmomma]

Who writes a rec doesn't really matter so long as they are an alumnae in good standing. A rec is just a letter of introduction for the PNM. What chapters decide to do with that info falls into membership selection and is therefore secret.

This.

I think the best thing you can say to a girl going through rush is to be open-minded and be prepared for some disappointment. The houses are limited on how many girls they can take and at some schools, it's very difficult to get into certain houses. It stinks for a girl who has her heart set on a certain group, which is why being open-minded and looking at all your options is so important.