DD rushing for sorority this Fall - need help...

[StephMK]

DD19 went through it last year and I also had very little experience with it. It was a very trying week for her and it made it stressful for me too!

For DD's school, rush starts the week before school starts so there is no opp to meet anyone in advance, unless you already know upperclassmen. She had been in show choir in HS, wasn't going to rush due to girl drama from that closeknit group, but changed her mind. I think I got 5 calls that week. 1) happy, invited back to several 2) crying, not invited back to some after 2nd round 3) crying, she doesn't think she's going to pledge but plans to finish out the last visit 4) crying again, happy tears, she really clicked with one of her last visits & hopes to join them 5) more tears, got bid & loves it.

She is really shy and was odd man out with her 3 suitemates. The sorority did an awesome job with bonding experiences early on, better than her suitemate's sororities that first week. DD LOVES it! There are still some girl drama issues but she has met several good friends and has to live in the house this year. It is about $2k cheaper than the dorms! She will be living with 6 in her room but is so excited to live there. They are on campus, she has gotten involved with the philanthropy causes, and there are always activities to do. This is perfect since even as a kid, she was always asking - so what are we going to do next? There is always someone to go do something with on campus.

She describes them as "real" girls and looking back, knows that some sororities she thought were her top picks would not have been good matches based on girls from her HS that are in different ones. She also has some friends who dropped out or joined then had to drop. She has covered her expenses through her PT job. T-shirts are optional and she wore dresses she owned or bought for cheap to the formals.

Good luck to her (and you!) It was hard hearing her so emotional when all I could do was talk her through it. It was a good learning experience though.

 

[mom2rtk]

I mean this in the nicest possible way: Why are you "super stressed and worried" about a social organization for your daughter?

If this is something she wants, be supportive, help her a little with her wardrobe, set limits on how much you'll spend on this group, and let her run with it. Either it'll happen, or it won't.

Sounds quite sensible.

Greek life wasn't for me. But if my son wants to check out fraternities this fall, it will be his choice. I won't talk him out of or into it. It's his experience, not mine.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

For many of us, sorority membership is an incredible, life-long experience. I know my experiences prepared me for the real world (where else does a 20 year old girl learn to manage a large group, speak publicly often, plan a large fundraiser, and mentor younger girls?).

Recruitment can be a little scary, but your DD should read up on recruitment on your campus. Most campuses have a big enough Greek system that almost every girl who goes through recruitment can find a place, as long as the girl isn't dead set on a single group. The exceptions are schools where the Greek system is too big to accommodate the number of recruits.

Expenses vary drastically from school to school. I work closely with a chapter and the girls probably pay an average of $100 per month - that includes dues and other sorority obligations. This campus does not have live-in houses, so they girls almost all live in the dorms.

If you have specific questions, feel free to ask.

How's her tolerance? She needs to be able to hold her own in this regard. There was no Greek on my campus (and this was a while ago) but we did have a cadet corp and if anyone knows hazing it's military cadets.

Yeah...hazing shouldn't be an issue these days AT ALL. If it is, DD should alert her campus Greek administration and the sorority's headquarters. Colleges and NPC groups simply don't tolerate it now, but they have to be made aware to do anything.

 

[Justmeandnooneelse]

How's her tolerance? She needs to be able to hold her own in this regard. There was no Greek on my campus (and this was a while ago) but we did have a cadet corp and if anyone knows hazing it's military cadets.

Let me see if I can pull any useful tidbits out of storage...

Oh! ok...

Guard your meals in the cafeteria. You gotta eat every meal to keep your strength up and they will steal your food right off your tray if you let them.

Pick someone a little bigger and slightly less feminine than yourself and make friends. Gonna need a friend in this.

Never go to the shower or laundry alone.

If the environment gets hostile, she's gonna have to cut someone. Before it gets to that point it is important for her to learn who has powerful friends and who's dogfood.

umm.... wait, what?

I mean this in the nicest possible way: Why are you "super stressed and worried" about a social organization for your daughter?

If this is something she wants, be supportive, help her a little with her wardrobe, set limits on how much you'll spend on this group, and let her run with it. Either it'll happen, or it won't.

I agree, it's time to step back and let your kid have the experience! If you are "super stressed and worried", you are overly-involved. Either she is handling it ok, and you're stressed over nothing, or she's not, in which case you have bigger problems than just pledging.

 

[mfd25wife]

I agree about the hazing.MIT isn't tolerated at all on campus where DD attends. They also are strict about behavior. They definitely care about appearances and reputations and will get called into a hearing with the counsel over grades, drinking, etc. Hazing would be a huge issue.

I do understand the comment about stressing over your DD's recruitment. I did as did several parents who I knew. You want your child even at that age to be accepted into the circles they want. No, it's not the end of the world but you don't want to see their feelings hurt. We were fortunate and knew she would get into at least one of her top two because she already knew some in both and volunteered in an org that was already a philanthropy of one. I stressed a little that she would make the wrong choice because it isn't easy to back out and pledge another the next year. I did spend time consoling a friend who was consoling her DD. Her DD got the dreaded call that she fell off all the lists. Fortunately, my DD talked to her about pledging a sorority that was just starting so she would be a founding member. She told her to try it but not be initiated unless she loved it. She did and was. We were so happy for her. Unfortunately, they do get an idea of the sororities the girls are interested in. Either they hear from girls or the frats tell them what they hear. Since they are limited to a certain number of girls, they will cut some that they think want another sorority. DD was stressed because she was "rushed" pretty aggressively. It made her uncomfortable so she chose the other of her top two. Recruitment really is stressing.

 

[Poohforyou]

I mean this in the nicest possible way: Why are you "super stressed and worried" about a social organization for your daughter?

If this is something she wants, be supportive, help her a little with her wardrobe, set limits on how much you'll spend on this group, and let her run with it. Either it'll happen, or it won't.

Thank you for this. At some point as parents we all have to let go and allow our kids to fly on their own.

 

[scrapgal123]

Thanks for all of the responses.

I am mostly worried of the unknown and that DD won't find a sorority that will click with her. There are 17 chapters in her school but we have heard that a lot of girls rush, so it is very competitive. DD is shy and has a hard time coming out of her shell with people she doesn't know. We have gone on the greekchat.com site and read some of the tips, but there is so much info!

She has picked out her outfits and is trying to put them together. I have told her not to overdo it and to be herself. She has contacted our local alumnae Panhallenic council and a few women have offered to write a recommendation for her.

She is fully aware of the financial costs. Since most of her meals will be included with her dues, I figured it won't be too much of an additional cost.

The only other positive is that DD is a sophomore so she already has a few friends, some of which are in a sorority. I am hoping this will help her with either making it into one or not be as hurtful if she is rejected.... oh the joys of motherhood... lol.

 

[skatalite]

Pray your kid doesn't have one of these as her overseer (caution: NSFW language): http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

 

[scrapgal123]

Pray your kid doesn't have one of these as her overseer (caution: NSFW language): http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

Wow!

 

[skatalite]

Wow!

Or, tell your kiddo to become a girl like that, so when her emails leak she can get job offers like crazy.

 

[MomofKatie]

My biggest pieces of advice for Rush:

1) She needs to have an open mind and really let the process work for her. Tell her not to go into it with preconceived ideas of which houses she would or wouldn't pledge. She will see more of what each house is like during the week, and she will hopefully gravitate towards the ones that are leaning toward her, too. The rejection won't sting as much if she realizes those houses aren't her cup of tea, anyway.

2) Get to know as many current members as possible. Since she is a sophomore, this will help- she already hopefully knows several girls in each house (or knows of them). She will be looked at a little more carefully if she is friendly with some of the girls that are members.

3) Get as many recommendations from alumnae as possible before Rush starts! This is very important!! When I was in college, our sorority was unable to make bids to several girls each year because we couldn't find any alumnae to sponsor them. Network with teachers, friends, older sisters, moms, aunts, coworkers, and any other ladies you know- ask if they were involved in the Greek system, and if so, could they write a "rec" for your DD?

Last, tell her to relax, be herself, and try to have fun. I loved my Greek experience, but it isn't for everyone. If she matches up with a house, great. If not, that's OK, too. Just because you aren't in a sorority, doesn't mean you can't still be friends with members, go to fraternity parties, or have a great college experience. Good luck to her!!

 

[scrapgal123]

My biggest pieces of advice for Rush:

1) She needs to have an open mind and really let the process work for her. Tell her not to go into it with preconceived ideas of which houses she would or wouldn't pledge. She will see more of what each house is like during the week, and she will hopefully gravitate towards the ones that are leaning toward her, too. The rejection won't sting as much if she realizes those houses aren't her cup of tea, anyway.

2) Get to know as many current members as possible. Since she is a sophomore, this will help- she already hopefully knows several girls in each house (or knows of them). She will be looked at a little more carefully if she is friendly with some of the girls that are members.

3) Get as many recommendations from alumnae as possible before Rush starts! This is very important!! When I was in college, our sorority was unable to make bids to several girls each year because we couldn't find any alumnae to sponsor them. Network with teachers, friends, older sisters, moms, aunts, coworkers, and any other ladies you know- ask if they were involved in the Greek system, and if so, could they write a "rec" for your DD?

Last, tell her to relax, be herself, and try to have fun. I loved my Greek experience, but it isn't for everyone. If she matches up with a house, great. If not, that's OK, too. Just because you aren't in a sorority, doesn't mean you can't still be friends with members, go to fraternity parties, or have a great college experience. Good luck to her!!

Thanks, this is mostly what I have been telling her.

The most difficult part has been finding recommendations. Most of the people that we know attended college locally and there weren't that many sororities. Our city doesn't even allow the sororities to have houses due to some old laws on the books. She has been able to contact the local alumnae chapters and a few women have offered to write recommendations. I just hope they get there on time since we didn't even realize recommendations were needed!

 

[mfd25wife]

Thanks, this is mostly what I have been telling her.

The most difficult part has been finding recommendations. Most of the people that we know attended college locally and there weren't that many sororities. Our city doesn't even allow the sororities to have houses due to some old laws on the books. She has been able to contact the local alumnae chapters and a few women have offered to write recommendations. I just hope they get there on time since we didn't even realize recommendations were needed!

If she has volunteered in one of the philanthropies of the sororities, that may also help.

 

[trip]

Thanks for all of the responses.

I am mostly worried of the unknown and that DD won't find a sorority that will click with her. There are 17 chapters in her school but we have heard that a lot of girls rush, so it is very competitive. DD is shy and has a hard time coming out of her shell with people she doesn't know. We have gone on the greekchat.com site and read some of the tips, but there is so much info!

She has picked out her outfits and is trying to put them together. I have told her not to overdo it and to be herself. She has contacted our local alumnae Panhallenic council and a few women have offered to write a recommendation for her.

She is fully aware of the financial costs. Since most of her meals will be included with her dues, I figured it won't be too much of an additional cost.

The only other positive is that DD is a sophomore so she already has a few friends, some of which are in a sorority. I am hoping this will help her with either making it into one or not be as hurtful if she is rejected.... oh the joys of motherhood... lol.

Depending on how competitive recruitment is on her campus, her sophomore standing may limit her opportunities. Not saying it will, but she should be aware that some chapters will favor freshmen to fill their incoming pledge class.

 

[bethy]

Ditto at my alma mater. All other things being equal, a freshman is preferred to a sophomore. Probably 10 of the 18 houses only pledge freshman and they have the "pull" to be selective in that way.

That said, lots of sophomores pledge as well and have a wonderful experience! I agree with everyone else that she should go in with an open mind.

Every school is going to be different.

 

[scrapgal123]

If she has volunteered in one of the philanthropies of the sororities, that may also help.

She has volunteered at our local hospital, not a particular charity organization.

 

[scrapgal123]

Depending on how competitive recruitment is on her campus, her sophomore standing may limit her opportunities. Not saying it will, but she should be aware that some chapters will favor freshmen to fill their incoming pledge class.

I read on one of the forums that they have quotas at her school. Not sure if the quota will help or hurt her chances...

 

[Ceila]

Thinking back to my rush days, I just can't imagine my mother getting involved in any way, although she was always interested in and supportive of my activities. As a young woman at college, I was perfectly capable of navigating the process and getting advice from friends on campus.

Since your daughter has friends in a sorority, they would probably be her best source of information. Rush varies quite a lot from campus to campus, so my experience, or that of other posters, may not be applicable to your daughter's rush.

 

[mfd25wife]

I read on one of the forums that they have quotas at her school. Not sure if the quota will help or hurt her chances...

It could go either way. If there are a lot more rushing than there are spots, some fall off a list fairly early. But, the opposite can also happen.

Thinking back to my rush days, I just can't imagine my mother getting involved in any way, although she was always interested in and supportive of my activities. As a young woman at college, I was perfectly capable of navigating the process and getting advice from friends on campus.

Since your daughter has friends in a sorority, they would probably be her best source of information. Rush varies quite a lot from campus to campus, so my experience, or that of other posters, may not be applicable to your daughter's rush.

True, but NPC actually makes it an offense for the girls to talk to an individual girl outside of recruitment parties at least at some universities. It makes it a little difficult if one is already a friend because they can be accused of rushing outside of the official rules and week and get infractions and pay fines. IMO only, it isn't really getting involved to ask for general tips, now if a mom started approaching sorority members, that would be crossing the line.

 

[scrapgal123]

It could go either way. If there are a lot more rushing than there are spots, some fall off a list fairly early. But, the opposite can also happen.



True, but NPC actually makes it an offense for the girls to talk to an individual girl outside of recruitment parties at least at some universities. It makes it a little difficult if one is already a friend because they can be accused of rushing outside of the official rules and week and get infractions and pay fines. IMO only, it isn't really getting involved to ask for general tips, now if a mom started approaching sorority members, that would be crossing the line.

This is very true. They are not allowed to have contact with current sorority members prior to rush week.

And I have not made any contact attempts with current members. She and I have only communicated with alumnae regarding letters of recommendation. Again, I am helping her since we do not come from a community that sororities are a norm. We are a Hispanic family, she is 2nd generation US born, and we live in a predominantly Hispanic community. Those that are my generation that have college degrees did so as commuter students while having full & part-time jobs. This whole Greek process is not common in our community, which is why I am trying to help DD in the research and preparation.