DD hates me

[ocd4disney]

The DD's coworkers might think her mom was a little over the top, but I don't see why this would ruin her position at work. Unless the people sent looking for her found that she wasn't where she was supposed to be or some other similar scenario.

Maybe she was supposed to be "with" her mom and when mom called it ruined a perfectly good lie?

IDK..but I keep checking back to see if the OP has posted an update. I am curious how things have played out. But....I really want to stop reading this thread soon. Some of the replies are kinda nasty and uncalled for.

Its almost interesting to see how each side thinks they are right and the other side is crazy. You have the people that talk to their parents on a regular daily or almost daily basis and the others that talk every week or 2. Maybe I have just experienced more loss than most....cuz the thought of only talking to my mom every other week just makes me sad. I already know I will miss her when she is gone....I dont want to miss her while she is here. Also, I would be very upset with myself if I caused her needless worry. And knowing my mom, she would be worried.......totally beside herself worried. I would call her ...not because it was expected...not because I "Had" to...but because I love her and would not want her to be frantic with worry.

Now if she had told her mom I cant call for a few days I am going to be busy and her mother still insisted on calling and calling and calling...then she would have something to be upset over. If the mom cant respect boundaries the adult daughter sets, then there would be something to be upset over.

 

[pacrosby]

I would start to worry at about the 9-10 day mark.

And both of us are still alive, so yes, we're just busy.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this comment. Could someone really be in that much denial? I hope you don't end up regretting that attitude, that's all I can say.

 

[starwood]

Obviously she doesn't have any kids of her own. There is such a thing as a landline phone. Why didn't she just call and say there was a problem with her phone?

 

[sparks19]

It just boggles my mind.

If after a few days I found out my mom was frantically trying to get a hold of me and out of her mind with worry... I certainly wouldn't be thinking about ME. I wouldn't call her and be all "What about MEEEEEE... you ruined MY life. WAH WAH WAH" that's what hormonal teenagers do. not grown adults.

If I called my mom and found out she was out of her mind with worry the FIRST words out of my mouth would be "I'm SO sorry"

maybe mom freaked out... but how could you call and have NO consideration for the worry you put on her? How could you care SO little for your MOTHERS feelings... the person that carried you, gave birth to you, RAISED you.

Maybe she went overboard (I don't really think she did but that's besides the point) but her feelings are still valid and DD needs to get over the ME ME ME, MY MY MY attitude and think about the feelings of others.

I just can't imagine not caring one iota that your mother thought you were dead in a ditch.

I think people need to be nicer to their parents. yes we are adults... but they are still PARENTS. Be respectful of their feelings. there is nothing logical about fear. The least you could do for making them worry is utter a simple "I'm so sorry I made you worry" and then if you want to light into them (which I think is a disgusting way for any person to treat their parents) go for it. but at LEAST consider their feelings

it's selfish and disrespectful and I don't care if mom climbed her office building and crawled in her office window to find her... YOu DON'T talk to your parents like that. have some bloody respect for the people that raised you. One day they aren't going to be around and you're going to wish you were nicer to them (of course not you specifically directed at anyone here... just YOU in the general sense).

 

[sparks19]

Maybe she was supposed to be "with" her mom and when mom called it ruined a perfectly good lie?

IDK..but I keep checking back to see if the OP has posted an update. I am curious how things have played out. But....I really want to stop reading this thread soon. Some of the replies are kinda nasty and uncalled for.

Its almost interesting to see how each side thinks they are right and the other side is crazy. You have the people that talk to their parents on a regular daily or almost daily basis and the others that talk every week or 2. Maybe I have just experienced more loss than most....cuz the thought of only talking to my mom every other week just makes me sad. I already know I will miss her when she is gone....I dont want to miss her while she is here. Also, I would be very upset with myself if I caused her needless worry. And knowing my mom, she would be worried.......totally beside herself worried. I would call her ...not because it was expected...not because I "Had" to...but because I love her and would not want her to be frantic with worry.

Now if she had told her mom I cant call for a few days I am going to be busy and her mother still insisted on calling and calling and calling...then she would have something to be upset over. If the mom cant respect boundaries the adult daughter sets, then there would be something to be upset over.

This is a good post.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I posted several pages back, but something else I thought of. Sometimes I won't answer when someone calles, for example my mom. I may be busy,about to head out, hands full whatever so I let it go to voicemail and call back. But if I see her call again in a short time even if I am busy, I will pick up to make sure everything is OK. I answer, check, and then say OK I'm going to need to call you back I'm busy, no big deal. If I saw someone calling over and over my thoughts would not be how annoying, it would be geesh, I hope everything is OK. I realize she wasn't "screening" her calls, but after so many calls I'd think you'd borrow a eighbor's phone or go to a pay phone and make sure everything was OK. Imagine if she called to say "I hate you" to find out grandma had passed away or something.

 

[sparks19]

I posted several pages back, but something else I thought of. Sometimes I won't answer when someone calles, for example my mom. I may be busy,about to head out, hands full whatever so I let it go to voicemail and call back. But if I see her call again in a short time even if I am busy, I will pick up to make sure everything is OK. I answer, check, and then say OK I'm going to need to call you back I'm busy, no big deal. If I saw someone calling over and over my thoughts would not be how annoying, it would be geesh, I hope everything is OK. I realize she wasn't "screening" her calls, but after so many calls I'd think you'd borrow a eighbor's phone or go to a pay phone and make sure everything was OK. Imagine if she called to say "I hate you" to find out grandma had passed away or something.

ugh can you imagine

my mom had something similar to this happen with my dad. They were split up by this time and my dad was being a blowhard about taking me on vacation but didn't want to give my mom any info on how to contact us as my grandmother was dying from cancer and it really was going to be ANY time.

My mom somehow ended up talking to my grandmother (my dads mom) and my grandmother told my dad something that my dad took as "DD is not allowed to go on vacation with her dad"

My dad FLIPPED and called my mom freaking out and yelling at her about how dare she not let me go on vacation with him. her response was "don't you worry about it... I buried my mother yesterday so now you can take DD where ever you want"

My dad felt like the ultimate heel (as he should have) and ever since then they've had a very friendly relationship lol

just a lesson that you should watch how you talk to people because you never know when they are going to blurt out that they just buried their mother

 

[cheshireqt]

This is my take; you both need to see where the other is coming from:
1) you talk every day and then nothing. She should realize you would be worried, and she should have found another way to communicate she was fine. HOWEVER, whatever reason she had for not calling you back, once you started calling every hour you no doubt irritated her.
2) Calling her office to ask if she was in (to alleviate your worst fears) is fine, even leaving a message to have her call you back. You don't even have to say you are her Mom, just your name and number. HOWEVER, querying her subordinates and/or her boss was way, way, over the line and you obviously humiliated her. She is 26 years old, not 16.

She said she hate, hate, hates you and that obviously stung, but is really not the issue. Your issue should be her failure to communicate, given the expectation she has cultivated (a call every day). Her issue should be that you harassed her at home and at work. If both of you stick to those issues you can solve this satisfactorily on both ends, with possibly some contingency lines of communication (like email) and you won't go to the extremes. Adding drama or bringing the hate, hate, hate back up is not going to get you there.

 

[bdcp]

My DH is gone for work for this entire year. I don't even expect to talk to him everyday. Let alone talk to my mother everyday.

That is a tad unusual. DH and I talk every day whether he is out of town or not. I can't imagine not hearing from him when he travels. We miss each other and love to hear each other's voice.

I do think the OP needs to come back and update. It drives me crazy when someone posts a problem and asks for help and then disappears. Of course, I don't get the asking strangers online for help anyway. That's what I have real friends and family for.

 

[Planogirl]

I see nothing wrong with the OP calling but I agree that querying her coworkers was over the top. Did any of the coworkers say that the daughter was out that day? If not, I think that it was reasonable to assume that she was there. I would have asked one person if they'd seen the daughter and I would just comment that I needed to speak to her. Then I would have quit the querying.

As for how often to speak to one another, that will vary from person to person. I used to talk to my mother every few days or so but there was no consistency. I only rarely talk to DH when he is out of town but when he is recruiting or whatever I know that he is extremely busy and then tired later on. I call if I have a question but otherwise I leave him be when he is working. But that is just how we handle the phone bit, YMMV.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think calling an adult, living on their own, once an hour is overkill, and, frankly, obnoxious. This is either over-the-top-needy, or controlling. While I understand that the mother was anxious, this was ridiculous. She really should get a grip. She didn't go into details about her call to the job, but I get the feeling that she waaaay over-shared and was waaay over-dramatic, and it was probably very embarrassing for the daughter, especially when she went from boss, to supervisor, to supervisor, to co-worker, to co-worker explaining the situation, and airing her daughter's personal business.

Maybe an adult daughter doesn't feel that she needs to share every detail of her life with her mother or explain her every move. You never know what sort of adult things she could have been doing that she didn't feel the need to discuss with her mother.

 

[SaraJayne]

It just boggles my mind.

If after a few days I found out my mom was frantically trying to get a hold of me and out of her mind with worry... I certainly wouldn't be thinking about ME. I wouldn't call her and be all "What about MEEEEEE... you ruined MY life. WAH WAH WAH" that's what hormonal teenagers do. not grown adults.

If I called my mom and found out she was out of her mind with worry the FIRST words out of my mouth would be "I'm SO sorry"

maybe mom freaked out... but how could you call and have NO consideration for the worry you put on her? How could you care SO little for your MOTHERS feelings... the person that carried you, gave birth to you, RAISED you.

Maybe she went overboard (I don't really think she did but that's besides the point) but her feelings are still valid and DD needs to get over the ME ME ME, MY MY MY attitude and think about the feelings of others.

I just can't imagine not caring one iota that your mother thought you were dead in a ditch.

I think people need to be nicer to their parents. yes we are adults... but they are still PARENTS. Be respectful of their feelings. there is nothing logical about fear. The least you could do for making them worry is utter a simple "I'm so sorry I made you worry" and then if you want to light into them (which I think is a disgusting way for any person to treat their parents) go for it. but at LEAST consider their feelings

it's selfish and disrespectful and I don't care if mom climbed her office building and crawled in her office window to find her... YOu DON'T talk to your parents like that. have some bloody respect for the people that raised you. One day they aren't going to be around and you're going to wish you were nicer to them (of course not you specifically directed at anyone here... just YOU in the general sense).

IT WAS A DAY AND A HALF!!!

Geeze louise, it wasn't like she went a week and didn't call her mother back.

 

[Pigeon]

That is a tad unusual. DH and I talk every day whether he is out of town or not. I can't imagine not hearing from him when he travels. We miss each other and love to hear each other's voice.

I don't think it's unusual at all. If dh or I travel for work, we call maybe once a week.

 

[ems_mom]

Wow, I don't think I've ever had a post with so many responses!

Yes, I was upset and venting when I first posted. She did use those exact words. She has said something like that once before during an argument when she was a teenager. It's not typical of her.

Yesterday, she did call, on her way to work (as usual) and apologized. She apparently had a lot going on that day and took it out on me. No she was not ducking out of work or anything like that. And she realizes that she should have gotten in touch earlier, but she had other things on her mind.

She feels particularly bad because she knows that I was just worried for her safety, and she hates the thought of me panicking every time I can't reach her. We agreed to work on that and yes, I also apologized for calling her work.

She lives one and a half hours away in another state. We have visited her place of employment several times, and once her boss kept our dog for us while the three of us (DH,DD and myself) went to WDW. I only made one phone call there and ended up speaking to several people on that one call.

Yes, she is my world. No we are not attached at the hip. She has always been very independent. She's the type of person who got her driver's license on her 16th birthday. She spent four summers living with her grandparents at the beach to make money for college. She went to an out of state university and graduated in three and a half years. Since then shes had several different jobs and living situations, but is doing very well and supporting herself without our help.

Now, that doesn't mean there haven't been a few of those oh no calls in the last 10 years. You know, like hi, I'm in the ER, or my car skidded of the road, or I need an emergency loan, etc. (and other more personal issues). She is an only child and we are always happy to help when we can. Once, we moved her from one place to another and returned home only to get a phone call that the new roommate's cat had bitten her, this person decided DD couldn't stay (the crazed cat didn't like her!) and we drove back the next day and repacked everything and moved her again!

Anyway, its been interesting to read everyone's take on the situation. I agree that she and I need to work on communicating better and next time, if there is one, I will take a chill pill!

 

[pacrosby]

IT WAS A DAY AND A HALF!!!

Geeze louise, it wasn't like she went a week and didn't call her mother back.

Unless you can stick to the 'facts' of the case it's kind of silly to post. The point all along was that OP's dd called everyday. It's a pattern. And when patterns are suddenly inexplicably broken it IS reasonable, as well as wise, to investigate. Apparently you still live in the 'nothing bad will ever happen to me' world. Personally I don't find that kind of laissez-faire attitude something to boast about as, in my 49 years, I've seen it backfire all too often.

I don't think it's unusual at all. If dh or I travel for work, we call maybe once a week.

That is absolutely unusual. And many people would go further than that. But, it's your relationship, so it's your decision how to handle it. Same goes for the OP.

Wow, I don't think I've ever had a post with so many responses!

Yes, I was upset and venting when I first posted. She did use those exact words. She has said something like that once before during an argument when she was a teenager. It's not typical of her.

Yesterday, she did call, on her way to work (as usual) and apologized. She apparently had a lot going on that day and took it out on me. No she was not ducking out of work or anything like that. And she realizes that she should have gotten in touch earlier, but she had other things on her mind.

She feels particularly bad because she knows that I was just worried for her safety, and she hates the thought of me panicking every time I can't reach her. We agreed to work on that and yes, I also apologized for calling her work.

She lives one and a half hours away in another state. We have visited her place of employment several times, and once her boss kept our dog for us while the three of us (DH,DD and myself) went to WDW. I only made one phone call there and ended up speaking to several people on that one call.

Yes, she is my world. No we are not attached at the hip. She has always been very independent. She's the type of person who got her driver's license on her 16th birthday. She spent four summers living with her grandparents at the beach to make money for college. She went to an out of state university and graduated in three and a half years. Since then shes had several different jobs and living situations, but is doing very well and supporting herself without our help.

Now, that doesn't mean there haven't been a few of those oh no calls in the last 10 years. You know, like hi, I'm in the ER, or my car skidded of the road, or I need an emergency loan, etc. (and other more personal issues). She is an only child and we are always happy to help when we can. Once, we moved her from one place to another and returned home only to get a phone call that the new roommate's cat had bitten her, this person decided DD couldn't stay (the crazed cat didn't like her!) and we drove back the next day and repacked everything and moved her again!

Anyway, its been interesting to read everyone's take on the situation. I agree that she and I need to work on communicating better and next time, if there is one, I will take a chill pill!

Glad to hear all worked out

 

[laurie31]

OP, I'm glad everything worked out.

I realized after reading this thread that I don't think there's ever been a time in my life when there wasn't SOMEONE who would know if I vanished. After college, I shared an apartment with a roommate, and after that, I lived alone for a year, but I was seriously dating DH and we talked several times a day. I was independent and self-sufficient, but still someone needs to know if you suddenly disappear. My guess is the people who don't talk to their parents every day or even every week have a DH or a child, a coworker, someone who would take notice if something happened.

 

[sparks19]

IT WAS A DAY AND A HALF!!!

Geeze louise, it wasn't like she went a week and didn't call her mother back.

I don't care if it was FIVE MINUTES... geeze louise. The point is if I knew I caused my mother to worry NO MATTER THE REASON the first thing I would do is apologize and feel terrible for worrying her. she is my mother and I love her and RESPECT her and not everything is about MY Feelings.

But it's all a moot point now because it seems to have all worked out in the end thanks for filling us in OP. glad to hear things are back to normal

 

[Jennasis]

Ahhhh a nice ending! So much angst and accusing and gnashing of teeth by people on both the DD and the OP's side. As usual, things workend just fine without having to resort to the histrionics displayed by all of us here. Good job OP!

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I think when it became a problem is when the mother called and got no answer. left a message and no call back. she said she could SEE that her mother was calling. When she started calling every hour wouldn't you MAYBE think that something was up? you would just figure "oh she must really want to talk to me... oh well"

If I had seen that my mom called me that many times, I would be frantic wondering what was wrong.

If I called my mom and found out she was out of her mind with worry the FIRST words out of my mouth would be "I'm SO sorry"

OP... I'm glad it worked out. Personally, I talk to my mom every day when I get home from work and on days that I don't work, I talk to her in the morning. If I didn't call her, I HOPE that she would try to find out if there was a reason!