DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[Jennasis]

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

I can't wait to see the response to this from DIS'ers with teen sons.

Also diggin' the double-standard you have for the boys. Nice.

 

[SaraJayne]

Wow...I am so amazed at some of the responses here. I am the mom of a DD14. and she is not allowed to have a boyfriend or date. My DH and I are not being unreasonable in any way, and DD agrees with us. Now, if she wanted to go out on a group date with a bunch of kids, we would let her.

Most of her friends are boys, and she sits with a group of boys at lunch (they are nicer then the girls). Now 2 boys admitted this year, they liked her. She very nicely told them she was not allowed to date, and she only saw them as friends.

DD has a friend her age, that isnt allowed to date, and has secret bf;s at school...and is just making out with them there. You would be shocked at what these kids try to do and do actually do at school and on the bus.

Now, I have a very open relationship with my DD, we talk about everything. She tells me what is going on with her friends, and we have a trust that is built up. We have discussed sex, drugs and drinking for years. We have also dicussed that teenage boys just want one thing. ANd yes, 99.9% of them do, they want sex.

My oldest DS's are now 26 & 27. My eldest was having sex at 14, initiated by the girl (who I never liked), and even he agrees he was way too young. He slept his way through high school. Now my DH knew most of it, and made sure they used condoms. Being they had a brand new baby sister, they were very careful, but it didn't change the fact that they were man-*****s.

I actually feel sorry for the 1st boy that DD actually likes back. He will have to deal with a protective father, 2 older brothers (both how have access to weapons), grandfather and uncle.

Oh, btw, DD knows there is no privacy in our house. We have full access to her facebook page, and talk to her about every person she friends (my DN has almost 2000 friends...), we can check her texts at anytime and have full access to her email. She is only 14 and she knows we have her best interest at heart. Her computer is located in a public area also.

And I don't think we are going overboard, I know what I was doing at her age, and my parents were clueless. I have a very different relationship with my DD then my mom had with me!


OP, you need to have a long talk with your DD.

So your man ***** sons were given condoms at 14, but your DD is locked in her ivory tower and warned about how all boys are evil?

What kind of screwed up logic is that?

And OP, just because this posters sons slept their way through high school doesn't mean all boys are the boogie man out to get your precious daughter's virginity.

My poor son is going to have to deal with all these girls that are taught if a boy even looks at them, he wants to jump on them.

No, not all boys want sex.

Really, I just need to add a few more.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No, not all boys want sex.

Oh come on. I am sure they would defend themselves to the death to avoid it.

 

[bellarella]

As parents we can try to exercise control over our children's actions, but we will never be able (nor should we be able) to control their feelings.

Further, IMHO, I think that our control over their actions is most effective when our reasons reflect rationality in the circumstances. When our children respect our reasons and our opinions, they are most likely to follow our rules, even when they may not completely understand why they are there.

From this perspective, it seems that you are trying to control how your daughter feels, not just what she does and that the rule is an arbitrary "line in the sand," rather than a set of rules designed to a particular end. It's not surprising to me that even though you say she talks to you about everything that she has ignored you on this.

One problem with "line in the sand" rules is that once a child puts a toe over the line, the incentive structure is such that they might as well jump over full force. By saying "no boyfriends" you've set up a rule that makes her feelings "against the rules." She can't talk to you about them without getting into trouble. You've been cut out of the loop. I think that is a system that will lead to the exact opposite result you want.

You can respond to this by coming down on her for sneaking and breaking the rules and taking away privileges that will make it harder for her to form attachments to boys in the future. However, then your relationship with her becomes an exercise in power rather than one of teaching and supporting her as she learns to make decisions on her own.

Were I in your situation, I would talk to her about this boy. I would start the conversation by letting her know that you know about him, but that you would like to hear from her what he means to her. From there I would talk about *why* you had the no boyfriend rule and ask for her thoughts on the reasons. I would probably end the conversation there and say that you want to take some time to think about what she has said so that you can continue the conversation later. Then I think you and your DH need to talk about what it is you are trying to accomplish and how best to do that given the relationship you have with your daughter and what kind of decision making skills she has demonstrated thus far.

Personally, I can't seen where a "no boyfriend" rule is ever an effective rule. Children who aren't prone to have relationships at that age won't anyway and ones that are will find ways around it. It makes much more sense to me to keep the lines of communication open and put restrictions on certain conduct while encouraging other conduct that will keep supervision as the norm.

 

[SaraJayne]

Oh come on. I am sure they would defend themselves to the death to avoid it.

Nope, sorry. Didn't believe it when I was dating in high school, didn't believe it in college and I don't believe it now.

Do they think about it all.the.time. Sure they do. Doesn't mean they want to jump the first girl they see.

I give men and boys a whole lot more credit than others are in this thread.

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

Oh come on. I am sure they would defend themselves to the death to avoid it.

I am totally confident they would....













not

 

[JoiseyMom]

I can't wait to see the response to this from DIS'ers with teen sons.

Also diggin' the double-standard you have for the boys. Nice.

Yes, there is a double standard. Sucks, but that is the way it is. I have no apologies .

 

[Jennasis]

Yes, there is a double standard. Sucks, but that is the way it is. I have no apologies .

At least you're honest.

 

[SaraJayne]

Yes, there is a double standard. Sucks, but that is the way it is. I have no apologies .

You should.

I can't wait until the day your daughter calls you on it.

 

[katesorad]

I know that there are a lot of responses already, but I really think that what I have to say may be able to help you kind of see both sides.

When I was your daughter's age, I was a sneaky little kid. I had boyfriends, was having sex, skipped class, etc. When I was 7 or 8, I was a really good kid. But around the time I turned 10, my parents started getting scared because I had interest in boys (and they had interest in me as well). They decided that they would forbid me from "dating" and have ridiculous curfews and not let me go to friends' houses (even female friends who we knew from church). They were just too afraid of me being corrupted. I rebelled like no other. I remember feeling like I absolutely hated my parents. I was their first born and they just didn't know any better.

When I was 16, I was so out of control that my parents had to send me away to a therapeutic boarding school for an entire year. I was drinking, smoking, sneaking out of the house to hang out with boys, etc. They didn't know what to do with me.

When I got back from boarding school, we came up with a plan on how to have the correct amount of freedom, so I didn't feel like I was trapped and needed to rebel. It also would allow me to be more open and honest with my parents about how I was feeling, etc. Of course, I was back from this school when I was 17.. so my curfew was 9 PM on school nights and 10 PM on weeknights. I found this completely reasonable to start out with. For no apparent reason, my parents started getting scared again and worried and they started restricting me again, telling me I couldn't have a boyfriend, and they changed my curfew to 2 PM, which is when I got out of class. I started rebelling again, and my parents had no other choice than to kick me out of their house when I was 17. I got my own apartment and changed my life around at that point.. and now, at 21, I'd say I'm a fairly responsible adult, paying my own way in life, and happily married. That doesn't mean I didn't have a very rough childhood, though.

I'm not saying that what happened to me WILL happen to your daughter, but not allowing her to have a boyfriend isn't going to get her anywhere in life. She needs to learn her own lessons and feel like she's not too restricted.

Why don't you make a rule for her and her boyfriend, like they can go out on one supervised date a week (the movies! You sit in the back of the theater, and have them sit somewhere in the front, away from you..) or have him over to your house for dinner? Get to know him! That's the best way to prevent her from doing anything too dumb.

Now, obviously if you don't agree with me, then do your own thing.. but every kid deserves a chance to prove themselves responsible. I never had mine, and it really hurt me.

 

[JoiseyMom]

So your man ***** sons were given condoms at 14, but your DD is locked in her ivory tower and warned about how all boys are evil?

What kind of screwed up logic is that?

And OP, just because this posters sons slept their way through high school doesn't mean all boys are the boogie man out to get your precious daughter's virginity.

My poor son is going to have to deal with all these girls that are taught if a boy even looks at them, he wants to jump on them.

No, not all boys want sex.

Really, I just need to add a few more.

First of all, I found out last year when my eldest first had sex. He did not discuss it with me, he did with my DH. And I did have tons of talks with my DS's about sex, and told them that they were too young, but if they were going to have sex, that they had to use birth control and condoms were the only safe option. That it protects against pregnancy and STD's.

And my DD is not in anyway locked in an ivory tower. She has no issues with not being allowed to date. She was also told that when she does have sex to use condoms.

And yes, the majority of boys want to have sex. You are living in a fantasy world if you think they don't. Will all of them use my DD and break her heart? No,. but yes...they all want sex.

And btw...LOTS of teen girls do also. I once found a note on the bathroom floor that was given to my son, written by a girl, and I was totally disgusted by it!! OMG, even with my years of experience, I had never read anything that preverse before, let alone by a teenage girl to a teenage boy.

THere unfortunately is a reason why the teachers guard the bathrooms in High School, and it is sad. I have taught my DD what is appropriate and to value herself. I had honestly thought that the lessons I taught my DS's were enough, but I guess their hormones took over. And there are not many teenage boys who are going to say no to a teenage girl, whose self esteem is so low that she will throw herself at a boy to keep her. ANd unfortunately most boys are thinking, hey this is great, not thinking that the girls are doing what they are doing for the wrong reason.

ANd I never said teenboys were evil. I said they were horny!!

Oh, and wait until your poor son is an adult and ask him how often he got lucky in HS! I am sure you will be as shocked as I was!!

 

[Bonnie40]

Yes, there is a double standard. Sucks, but that is the way it is. I have no apologies .

You should.

 

[Mermaid02]

Ok- coming clean here.

I was not allowed to have boyfriends- my Mother was totally controlling.... I was sneaking around at 15 and doing things I shouldn't have been and I TOTALLY believe if I had been allowed to "date" and the guy had been allowed to come to my home to visit I would have tired of him and been done with him WAY before I was. The forbidden fruit is ALWAYS the sweetest as a teen.

Get to know the boys- let them see your daughter at your home on your terms. It's to YOUR advantage and your daughters advantage.

 

[JoiseyMom]

So, at 14, the sons get condoms from dad but the daughters get forbidden from dating? What a messed up dynamic! This is exactly what all good parents should strive to avoid. It sends the wrong message about genders and sex at an age where it is crucial to empower and educate ALL teens.

No, my DH was being realistic. They were told they were too young, but they were also told that if they were going to have sex (and we both worked so it was hard to play cop) they were to use condoms and they were told where they were in our room.

No wrong message was sent. My daughter also knows that when the time comes and she is going to have sex, that she is to use condoms. We just no longer have them in our home.

And as a side note, my DS 27 is happily married and has been with his new wife for 9 years. They are both successful adults and I have no grandchildren at this point and time. Oh, and my DS27 only plans on having male children .

 

[krcit]

I really hate that boys are made out to be the bad guys in all of this. Have you seen or heard some of these middle/high school girls? I have 3 kids a ds9, dd12, dd15. One of my friends has found texts on her ds' phone from a few girls that would curl your hair. Yes, middle/high school boys are walking hormones. So are girls. Our job as parents is to teach our kids respect for each other and for themselves. Some of these poor girls think that doing things with boys is the only way to get noticed or be liked and the boys think sex will make them 'cool'.

Double standards make me sad. I mean, those girls that are having sex with your sons are someone's daughters, no?

 

[JoiseyMom]

At least you're honest.

I am very. Unfortunately there is a big difference between a girl coming home pregnant and a boy getting a girl pregnant. The girl will we home with the child, have to go through child birth and all those changes. The boy? He has a financial responsibility and a moral one, but his life isn't quite changing the way the girls is. He can go off to college and still send money and come home and see the baby, she on the other hand will be there 24/7. Not many teens get married or shared custody.

Boys and girls are different. It is just the way it is.

 

[Mermaid02]

I am very. Unfortunately there is a big difference between a girl coming home pregnant and a boy getting a girl pregnant. The girl will we home with the child, have to go through child birth and all those changes. The boy? He has a financial responsibility and a moral one, but his life isn't quite changing the way the girls is. He can go off to college and still send money and come home and see the baby, she on the other hand will be there 24/7. Not many teens get married or shared custody.

Boys and girls are different. It is just the way it is.

The boy also has NO SAY in the outcome of a pregnancy. NOBODY is better off than anyone else in these situations. And that financial responsibility is HUGE.

 

[SaraJayne]

First of all, I found out last year when my eldest first had sex. He did not discuss it with me, he did with my DH. And I did have tons of talks with my DS's about sex, and told them that they were too young, but if they were going to have sex, that they had to use birth control and condoms were the only safe option. That it protects against pregnancy and STD's.

And my DD is not in anyway locked in an ivory tower. She has no issues with not being allowed to date. She was also told that when she does have sex to use condoms.

And yes, the majority of boys want to have sex. You are living in a fantasy world if you think they don't. Will all of them use my DD and break her heart? No,. but yes...they all want sex.

And btw...LOTS of teen girls do also. I once found a note on the bathroom floor that was given to my son, written by a girl, and I was totally disgusted by it!! OMG, even with my years of experience, I had never read anything that preverse before, let alone by a teenage girl to a teenage boy.

THere unfortunately is a reason why the teachers guard the bathrooms in High School, and it is sad. I have taught my DD what is appropriate and to value herself. I had honestly thought that the lessons I taught my DS's were enough, but I guess their hormones took over. And there are not many teenage boys who are going to say no to a teenage girl, whose self esteem is so low that she will throw herself at a boy to keep her. ANd unfortunately most boys are thinking, hey this is great, not thinking that the girls are doing what they are doing for the wrong reason.

ANd I never said teenboys were evil. I said they were horny!!

Oh, and wait until your poor son is an adult and ask him how often he got lucky in HS! I am sure you will be as shocked as I was!!

Boys are never taught what's appropriate or to value themselves, either, I take, in your world?

What a load of crap.

 

[jamimb]

It was a funny expression I never heard before. Just thought it was funny is all.

You may have thought it was funny but the entire post came off as extremely rude to me!

 

[SaraJayne]

First of all, I found out last year when my eldest first had sex. He did not discuss it with me, he did with my DH. And I did have tons of talks with my DS's about sex, and told them that they were too young, but if they were going to have sex, that they had to use birth control and condoms were the only safe option. That it protects against pregnancy and STD's.

And my DD is not in anyway locked in an ivory tower. She has no issues with not being allowed to date. She was also told that when she does have sex to use condoms.

And yes, the majority of boys want to have sex. You are living in a fantasy world if you think they don't. Will all of them use my DD and break her heart? No,. but yes...they all want sex.

And btw...LOTS of teen girls do also. I once found a note on the bathroom floor that was given to my son, written by a girl, and I was totally disgusted by it!! OMG, even with my years of experience, I had never read anything that preverse before, let alone by a teenage girl to a teenage boy.

THere unfortunately is a reason why the teachers guard the bathrooms in High School, and it is sad. I have taught my DD what is appropriate and to value herself. I had honestly thought that the lessons I taught my DS's were enough, but I guess their hormones took over. And there are not many teenage boys who are going to say no to a teenage girl, whose self esteem is so low that she will throw herself at a boy to keep her. ANd unfortunately most boys are thinking, hey this is great, not thinking that the girls are doing what they are doing for the wrong reason.

ANd I never said teenboys were evil. I said they were horny!!

Oh, and wait until your poor son is an adult and ask him how often he got lucky in HS! I am sure you will be as shocked as I was!!

I also find the pious "not my daughter" act hilarious. Your DD is no different than any other kid out there. I'm not shocked by any kid's behavior.

We all know what the "goody goody" girls were really doing.