DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[Mermaid02]

I want to add that unless they are going places together (movies etc) they aren't actually "dating" .... most likely they are hanging out together at school- eating lunch etc. They are calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. This isn't a huge deal- and you can't forbid her from eating lunch with a boy.

 

[Pinkprincessmom]

I have a 10 year old dd, and I dread the dating to come. I was in an exclusive relationship at the age of 14. We were always supervised. I ended up moving at the end of my freshman year and we were both devastated. It was probably the best thing for both of us.

I plan to take a conservative approach to dating. I would be concerned about this age difference. I do think it might be time to make some rules about dating instead of forbidding it all together.

Our daughter has been told that we will snoop on her computer. We don't plan to read personal emails unless she is there with us, but she has been told that we will check her browsing history. She doesn't have a FB page yet, though she wants one.

Good luck to you as you enter this new phase of parenting.

 

[5lilfish]

First thought is lock her in her room and never let her out.

She's a HS freshman, just turned 14 in the fall. Has been told point blank, you are too young for boyfriends. Today I found out from the mommy network that she DOES have a boyfriend for the last 2-3 weeks. He's a junior, at least 16 1/2 based on the fact that he has a drivers license. I haven't heard ANYTHING about it. I just signed on to her FB account and read HIS wall, which announces that he is 'in a relationship with xxxx'.

DH doesn't know, YET. I'm trying to figure out how to approach this calmly. I don't dare jeopardize my mommy network information line (DD told her friend, who told her mom, who told me). But I can manage around that as it is obvious on FB.

Any suggestions? (I'll put on my firesuit in case I am about to be pummeled).

ETA: she never sees him outside of school. we go out of state every weekend, and the only time she isn't home during the school week is when she is at dance class, and the director definitely doesn't allow any boys at the studio when the teen classes are there.

I missed this bolded part before.....Can you even call that dating? Did she really break any rule here? so they list each other in a relationship. Kids list half of the world as their sibling and/or being in a relationship. If they have never even seen each other outside of school, then they may really like each other....but they are not dating.

Jess

 

[Erin1700]

The part that jumps out to me is what 16 yr old boy would be fine in a relationship where he only sees his girlfriend at school?? Does she not talk to him on the phone at night? text? You go away every weekend and you dont notice her conversing via cell phone with someone??

The hidden thing bothers me because I do not really believe they only have contact at school. An 8th grader, sure but not a 16 yr old would go for this. I am afraid there is more that you are missing.

 

[maymom96]

I was forbidden from dating my high school boyfriend by my mom. I liked him and that was all that mattered. For a year, I hid the relationship. When we broke up, it was very hard not being able to talk to my mom about my first heartbreak.
When the guy and I got back together, my mom finally accepted him. A few years later, I got pregnant and the guy split. I have an amazing son from that forbibben relationship. I don't think I would have continued with the relationship had my mom not objected.
From the experience with my mom, I learned a lesson. I will never tell my children that they can't date someone. My son is 14. He has girlfriends all the time. He only see's them at school or at group events (football games, ect). The magical number is 16 for alone dates.
So from my experience, don't make a big deal out of this. If you do, then the fallout will be big.

 

[eliza61]

I am shocked and aghast at the number of posters that think OP is off-base for setting dating rules for her own daughter.

The OP's post is that her 14 year old violated a well established rule. Regardless of what others think about the rule, the rule is in place. How does she handle the fact that the rule was violated.

While I don't think it will do much good, I am going to try and explain why I think dating at 14 is a bad idea for many.

• Society places way too much emphasis on being a couple. Look at people thinking how cute it is that a 6 year old has a gf/bf. WHY? It is counterproductive to the making of strong, self sufficient individuals.
• This is the time for a young person to discover themselves as an individual and how to interact with the opposite sex.
• Fitting in is so important for teens and they will do almost anything to appear to be 'in'.
• Rushing into being a couple when they have not learned to deal with their hormones lead to premature experimenting.( they don't know what to say or do, so they see on television, movies, etc, the next step is sex)
• Experimenting today isn't show me yours I'll show you mine, it is more like - do this and do that. Girls are more apt to be involved in oral sex, because their peers tell them that it really isn't sex after all and guys really like it. It only goes downhill from there.
• Girls are being treated like objects (see above) and are not getting the right impression of what life is like, all the hard work we have done to instill a sense of pride and you can do anything goes down the drain in a few short minutes. (it isn't inner city kids, it is happening everywhere as young as 10 years old)
• Very few parents actually have a clue as to what their teens are doing and less and less schools are nipping things in the bud, so to speak, with the PDA, so the amount of stuff going on is much more than they know. We read about the dumb ones that get caught.
• Encourage group outings, friends over to get to know each other. But, no to the dating. It isn't hand holding it is soooooo much more.

Great Post.

hey I totally admit, I was super strick and old fashion. no way were my kids dating at 14 with our permission. I guess we were lucky that they didn't force our hand. They were not allowed to date exclusively until Jr year.

 

[scrapquitler]

The part that jumps out to me is what 16 yr old boy would be fine in a relationship where he only sees his girlfriend at school?? Does she not talk to him on the phone at night? text? You go away every weekend and you dont notice her conversing via cell phone with someone??

The hidden thing bothers me because I do not really believe they only have contact at school. An 8th grader, sure but not a 16 yr old would go for this. I am afraid there is more that you are missing.

She texts him and talks to him on the phone. Like I said before, the only time she leaves the house other than school is for dance classes. I'm not missing that he is seeing her somewhere else.

 

[mickeyboat]

I have a 10 year old dd, and I dread the dating to come. I was in an exclusive relationship at the age of 14. We were always supervised. I ended up moving at the end of my freshman year and we were both devastated. It was probably the best thing for both of us.

Me too, and we have now been married for almost 19 years. But because I moved, I was able to experience a lot more (friends, other dating, etc) than I would have if I had not moved and we had tried to stay together throughout high school.

OP - I have to agree with the majority here. I think you would be better off allowing the relationship to some extent (because clearly you cannot prevent it), and set up some control for yourself such as no alone or car dates, etc.

 

[tink20]

Talking with your DD, is the most important thing to do, and not freaking out when she tells you things that you might not want to hear (because then she won't confide in you)

I know how you feel, DD came home in 9th grade, with a 12th grade BF. Of course, all I thought was "he has one thing in mind". Well after one year, of him coming over to our house every weekend, meeting at FB games (me going, and them meeting up), meeting at HC dance, going out to eat (his parents driving them).....I got to know him and love him. They were not allowed to "go on a date" until 9th grade summer. They are still together 2-1/2 years later. She will be 17 in Feb and he was 20 this past Sept. He even went to WDW with us this past June. I know the age thing sounds bad, but he respects her and really cares about her. They are honest with me and I trust them. I am just happy she is with someone who really cares about her, some of her friends have had HORRIBLE boyfriend experiences.

So my advice...get to know the boy.

 

[jamimb]

I need to just put my two cents in here!

I have a 15 yr old DD who started high school this year so I can totally relate. She in fact has a boyfriend. ( I actually started dating her father at this exact age). Her boyfriend is also 15 but a grade ahead of her. I put restrictions on the dating thing and we have laid down some ground rules but I did not forbid her to date him because I knew it was going to happen anyway and I wanted it to be on my terms so to speak. She is not allowed in a car driven by any of his friends (he will get his license in May) and she is not allowed at his house(how am I to be sure they have adult supervision) but he comes over to our house all the time. He had dinner with us 2 nights ago. We let him come over and we all play games or eat dinner but they are not allowed in her room. I figure if he knows and respects us he will be a little more likely to respect our DD.

We have met both his parents and on occasion allow them to go to the movies together if we pick her up and drop her off. Really they have only been to the movies once alone and about 4 times with us in the same movie. He spent Christmas Eve here at the house with us for a few hours and then his dad picked him and my DD up to spend the rest of the night in a fancy restaurant.

I really think communication is the key. Be very open and honest with her and let her know she can tell you anything. Oh and don't don't don't blow things out of proportion. She'll never tell you anything if you lose it every time she does.

I am very grateful that my DD is very open with me about their relationship.
I am also not afraid to ask questions or snope! I happen to think their is no harm in a good parent snooping from time to time. She knows that we monitor her facebook and cell phone messages as well.

I think it's all about some controlled freedom at this age. We as parents walk a very fine line when it comes to this. A lot of parents these days IMO give way, way to much freedom to their young teens and others are too controlling.

 

[babyrich]

If she only sees him at school than they are not "dating" in the normal sense. I would tell her you know about "x". When she asks you how you know, tell her you have your ways. Let her know that you wish she had been honest with you about this boy. Ask her what she feels the status of their relationship is. Maybe it is harmless; but how can you know without asking.

As for the sex thing, just because other kids are doing it, doesnt mean she will. TALK TO HER!!!

My niece had a boyfriend at 14, they either hung out at his house when an adult was home or at my sisters when she was home. Maybe they went to the mall with a group.

Give your daughter the tools and values she needs to make the right choices. If you tie her up she will be hell on wheels when you let her go.

 

[VickiVM]

Mom of 17 year old SON here...I just want to say that please don't project the worst possible scenarios going on. Some of the comments are based on personal experiences and certainly are not true for everyone.

Not all high school boys only want to have sex with your daughters. Some just happen to like a girl and share a lot on common with her and want to hang out...that doesn't necessarily translate into having sex in the boys restroom.

My son happens to like a girl (also a junior like him), and we have plenty of conversations about treating her with respect and always remembering that she has parents, too that are concerned for her well-being. Both kids are very busy and don't spend a lot of time together...they don't even see each other at school that much.

I also have a 14 year old daughter - freshman. Fortunately, we haven't crossed this road yet because she just isn't boy-focused...lot going on in her life. However, if she were to like a 16 year boy whose family raised him much like we're raising our son, then I wouldn't have a problem with them hanging out together with group of friends or doing family/church things together...but no one-on-one dating until she's 16.

I suggest to OP that she make it a point to meet the family - let them know how you feel about the relationship. You may be surprised and find out you have similar values and can team-parent the couple as to avoid any issues.

 

[NotUrsula]

I am shocked and aghast at the number of posters that think OP is off-base for setting dating rules for her own daughter.

The OP's post is that her 14 year old violated a well established rule. Regardless of what others think about the rule, the rule is in place. How does she handle the fact that the rule was violated.

While I don't think it will do much good, I am going to try and explain why I think dating at 14 is a bad idea for many.

I read it as the OP saying that her DD has a boyfriend, not that she's dating. I'll agree with both of you that real dating isn't appropriate at 14, but the kids are not really dating, and I think that simply forbidding opposite-sex relationships is not a particularly effective way to approach the issue.

My initial response is based on stamping out the "secrecy" factor, because odds are that a big part of the attraction of having such a relationship is that it's thrilling to get away with something that you are not supposed to be doing; that coupled with the hormone rush is a heady thing when you're 14. IME, making a huge stink tends to have the effect of intensifying this, which is not the effect that a prudent parent is going to go for.

Placing restrictions and making rules makes all the sense in the world, but maintaining a blindly oppositional stance really doesn't.

 

[nephthys43]

That was me in school. I was forbidden to date. I got around it, as will your daughter. When you forbid something, all it's gonna do is make her do it. Don't go in there and confront her and yell. Maybe think about letting her know you've considered letting her date and see if she offers the info. I still don't tell my parents about who I'm dating. That are way too critical and feel the need to butt in on my life when they know too much. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable telling you cause she knows how you'll react.

 

[shortbun]

She texts him and talks to him on the phone. Like I said before, the only time she leaves the house other than school is for dance classes. I'm not missing that he is seeing her somewhere else.

Based on this, I would not worry about it. She likes him. You can not control that. You have her on a tight lease so you know where she is and you can get to his Facebook wall where he's freely talking. Keep an eye on things and do not over react. Tell your daughter you heard she likes a boy. Do it Mom to daughter and don't make it a bigger thing than it is. Keep the lines of communication open and you won't cause her to do anything wrong. Liking a boy and talking to him on the phone is a perfectly innocent act. You could discuss her staying focused on her school work and that you do not want her liking this boy to in any way change her focus. She's a dancer, she's disciplined. It's good for her ego to have a boy like her. Keep her busy and remind her that dating isn't happening this year. You should begin to work on how you are going to handle her dating-at home dates only, group dates only, no riding in the boys car...these are the decisions you are going to be asked to make. Don't make the mistake of setting unrealistic rules or you will be setting your daughter up to fail. Keep communication lines open with her.
Caution your husband, her doting father, about over reacting. She likes a boy and he likes her. Nothing else has happened. Your daughter needs and deserves a calm, loving environment where she is trusted and can live within the guidelines you have set. Perhaps involving her in the beginnings of this discussion would work and then compromise will seem good to her. She is growing up and going to school with lots of kids who seem just like her -to her. Above all-stay calm, peaceful and rational.

 

[pixiewings71]

I have a DD14, she has a boyfriend, she's had this boyfriend since 8th grade (last year), they have "celebrated" a 1 year anniversary already. He goes to a different high school then she does, they rarely see each other at all but I don't tell her she can't have a boyfriend. We talk about it, we are open with each other and I ask her to talk to me before she makes any "big" decisions. I am aware of what can happen, I also have a DD22 and I myself had a baby (DD22) at the age of 16! I don't see what the problem is, I understand being worried because he's older but making a big deal of it and telling her she can't have a boyfriend will only make things harder on you. Don't over-react, don't forbid, otherwise the next 4 years will be hell for you all.

 

[VickiVM]

Talking with your DD, is the most important thing to do, and not freaking out when she tells you things that you might not want to hear (because then she won't confide in you)

I know how you feel, DD came home in 9th grade, with a 12th grade BF. Of course, all I thought was "he has one thing in mind". Well after one year, of him coming over to our house every weekend, meeting at FB games (me going, and them meeting up), meeting at HC dance, going out to eat (his parents driving them).....I got to know him and love him. They were not allowed to "go on a date" until 9th grade summer. They are still together 2-1/2 years later. She will be 17 in Feb and he was 20 this past Sept. He even went to WDW with us this past June. I know the age thing sounds bad, but he respects her and really cares about her. They are honest with me and I trust them. I am just happy she is with someone who really cares about her, some of her friends have had HORRIBLE boyfriend experiences.

So my advice...get to know the boy.

YES...boys get such a bad rap in these dating discussions. Some of us have sons that have and show respect to the opposite sex.

 

[VickiVM]

Based on this, I would not worry about it. She likes him. You can not control that. You have her on a tight lease so you know where she is and you can get to his Facebook wall where he's freely talking. Keep an eye on things and do not over react. Tell your daughter you heard she likes a boy. Do it Mom to daughter and don't make it a bigger thing than it is. Keep the lines of communication open and you won't cause her to do anything wrong. Liking a boy and talking to him on the phone is a perfectly innocent act. You could discuss her staying focused on her school work and that you do not want her liking this boy to in any way change her focus. She's a dancer, she's disciplined. It's good for her ego to have a boy like her. Keep her busy and remind her that dating isn't happening this year. You should begin to work on how you are going to handle her dating-at home dates only, group dates only, no riding in the boys car...these are the decisions you are going to be asked to make. Don't make the mistake of setting unrealistic rules or you will be setting your daughter up to fail. Keep communication lines open with her.
Caution your husband, her doting father, about over reacting. She likes a boy and he likes her. Nothing else has happened. Your daughter needs and deserves a calm, loving environment where she is trusted and can live within the guidelines you have set. Perhaps involving her in the beginnings of this discussion would work and then compromise will seem good to her. She is growing up and going to school with lots of kids who seem just like her -to her. Above all-stay calm, peaceful and rational.

I dont' always agree with Shortbun, but TOTALLY agree with the above

 

[surfgirl]

I've just learned about a new social networking site: formspring.me nasty nasty nasty

Does you daughter have an account? Go to her computer and type in www.formspring... and it if it autofills in the rest.

It allows for (and promotes) that questions can be asked anonymously. While kids know parents are monitoring facebook, most parents are unaware that kids are on this - it seems to be a little under the radar of parents. The languagea and content is appalling. I know 7th graders on it that brag that their parents don't know about it and how much trouble they'd be in if parents found out.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

It's time to open the lines of communication and meet this boy. Otherwise, I think you are setting up for bigger problems down the road.

I wasn't allowed to date a boy alone until I was 16. But group outings (to football/basketball games, school dances, movies, etc.) were allowed. Personally, at 14 and a freshman in high school I think it's time to loosen the apron strings a little.

We weren't allowed to start group dating until 16.

You and your husband need to talk with your daughter, focus on her lying (even if it is lying by omission) rather than she has a boyfriend. She is betraying a trust and a rule she was made aware of. Cell phone/social networking would be restricted for a few weeks, imho.

The 14 year old has no one but peers to turn to about advise and that is dangerous.

I would definitely be worried about who she may be getting advice from. I wouldn't make too big an issue about her lying... maybe grounding her for a week or a couple of days.

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I think you should approach her alone about it. Let her know that you found out about it on FB. I think you and your dh should set up some rules and definitly meet the guy before ruling him out. Some of the excitement of the relationship might be in the fact that its "hidden". The other fact will be that he's older & interested in her.

I think it's also time to talk again to her about birth control and things like that. Not saying that she is having sex or planning anytime soon, but should she choose that path she will have a clear understanding of your thoughts. Having said that you might want to discuss this stuff with dh & don't just assume the "don't do it" will work. She should know about birth control options, STDs and other things.