DD has a secret boyfriend...how to handle

[luvmy3jewels]

Honestly, I think you are being way too strict and over reacting! Your dd is 14 not 4. It is perfectly normal for a 14 year olds to develop an attraction to boys and want to have a "boyfriend". It's not like she's trying to spend the night at his house with him. They probably have a fairly innocent relationship and the more you try to punish her, the more she is probably going to rebel.

The best thing you could possibly do at this point is to have an open, honest, and supportive (within reason) relationship with your dd and not push her in to hiding things from you (which she has obviously been doing in this case because she knows you won't react well to this relationship). You are going to have to accept she is getting to the age that you won't be able to control her every thought and movement on a daily basis. Why don't you try meeting the boyfriend before you make up your mind this relationship is going to be harmful to you dd?

BTW, I am posting this as a former 14 year old who did some really stupid things rebelling against parents that were too strict. I became involved in a "relationship" that involved sneaking around with a guy that was much older than high school (yes it was illegal and yes he should have known better even if I wasn't mature enough at the time to recognize it). I ended up hurt very badly (both physically and psychologically) from the experience, but the situation could have ended a lot worse than it did. Had my parents not been so strict and controlling, I probably would not have done what I did and would have been a lot happier during that period of my life.

 

[SC Minnie]

I agree with most of the PPs. Time to relax a little and open the communication. Talk to her about what a relationship really means, how a boy should be treating her, that its OK to say NO, school/classes come first, etc. Even if you've already had this talk with her it wouldn't hurt to have it again.

Ask her about him. What does she like about him. Try not to be judgemental. Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest.

When DD had her first teenage boyfriend I never mentioned it to DH. It was a long distance thing and I knew it wasn't going to last. DH would have not handled it well and would have teased her about it.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

I had boyfriends and we could go places like... the local amusement park (Carowinds), the mall, etc without being in a group once we were in high school. Heck, we were also allowed in my room upstairs (with the door open, but my parents NEVER came upstairs to check on us). I still stayed a virgin until I was in college. I wasn't allowed in cars with anyone driving me around until I was old enough to drive myself.

The biggest thing is that my Mom told me that I could be honest with her about anything. She told me that sex was something that is a normal human thing, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of, BUT that I shouldn't have it until I was married. I didn't wait until I was married, but I did wait a while until I felt like I was truly in love and could see myself marrying the person.

I think that making anything taboo (even dating... maybe especially dating!) is just going to set your DD up for rebellion. The majority of my friends did not have parents who were as open as mine, and they were the ones sneaking out of the house, having sex, and lying to their parents constantly.

 

[ChrizJen]

First, I don't envy you at all...Both my brother/his wife AND my sister have 15 year old daughters. I DO NOT look forward to that!!

But my gut reaction to this is that the lines of communication aren't all that great between you and your DD. I understand that at that age, you're lucky to get a "grunt" from her every now and then, and that to expect an actual conversation can sometimes be out of the question. But I have to say that this is one area that my brother and his wife (and my sister, for that matter), have really either done a really great job or have been really lucky. They really do have great communication with their daughters, and they feel as though they can come to them for anything.

Have you and your DH considered maybe being open to her having boy "friends" over to the house to hang out, fully supervised? I know you're adamantly opposed to dating at this age, but eventually you're going to have to ease into it, and this seems like a good way. At her age, I'm sure that her "relationship" with this boy is perfectly innocent. But wouldn't you rather she have that innocent relationship out in the open and where you and your DH can monitor it? I know your stance, but it seems like she's "pushing back", and if it were me, I think I would be looking at ways that we could try meeting somewhere in the middle.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, but IMHO, you are way, Way, WAYYYY, over the line.

In every respect....

No question about it, based on what you have posted.

In the attempt to control her friendships...
(Dating, actually going out on real dates.... yes.... friendships, NO)
In the snooping....
In all of it.
Wrong.....


Get ready for a rough, rough, road ahead.

 

[2girlsmom]

I have to agree that at 14 I would NOT be too worked up over a "relationship" that is fairly innocent (holding hands at school in the halls, etc), and I would not make "too young for a boyfriend" the field on which I would be willing to die. My girls are 12 and 10, and we have talked a lot about it being okay to like boys and for boys to like them, etc, but that at this point we are stressing no touching under clothing, no removing clothing being acceptable. We've talked about sex and the consequences of sex, both physical risks and emotional risks, ad nauseum, actually, cause we have a 17 yr old dneice that has dealt with huge heartbreak due to her "serious" relationship with a boy starting at 14 and ending at 16 involving sex. We've talked about heartbreak and obsession and cheating and all that thanks to our front row seat to the fall out. And yes, we have talked about the heartbreak without the intimacy, but let's face it, its worse with it. I've tried to be very honest and open with the girls about dating and all that, the way I was, too. So far they talk to boys but mostly they are annoyed by them.

However, those who say if they only see each other at school... my dnephew told us last year that he had sex at school in 7th grade (12 years old) during the school day, so the fact that they are only "at school" doesn't necessarily mean they are innocent.

 

[eliza61]

Uh, chill out and calm down because telling a high school freshman they can't have a boyfriend is just plain silly.

lol I guess you would think I'm ridiculous then. My kids were not allowed to date exclusively until their Jr. year.
And since as previous posters has admittted, kids are having sex and getting pregnant at 14, I certainly don't see restrictions as "silly"

Op, let's define boyfriend. Do you think they are intimate? and since I've caught high schoolers having nookie in the bathroom and under bleechers don't think it's not possible?

First, I would meet with him. call me strick but my kids don't have secret "anything" (if I can help it) . if you hang out with them, I get to meet them.

I would set bounderies on where they can go, with whom and what curfews. Once again I maybe old fashion but my Jr son has to let me know hwere he is going, who he's going to be with and he has a curfew. Sorry, I just don't let my kids "hang out" all night.

Talking is key, we talk to our kids about goals, what they want out of life and how relationships will effect them.

I'm lucky so far both my sons are heavy into sports so between that and school and studying for the sat, it's a very rare day that they have time for a serious relationship and my neice (who lives with us) is also heavy into her 2 after school clubs. My neice is a senior and wants to go to school abroad so she is really not interested in a serious relationship since she's planning on going to London in the fall.

 

[scrapquitler]

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I can say this so far: we are not controlling (well, DH is sort of), DH is way more adamant about the 'no dating' than I am, neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did. Looking on her FB to me: not snooping...they put it out there for the world to see, and she KNOWS that I read regularly. She usually spends hours talking to me about everything, so there isn't a history of sneaking around. To me, the BIGGEST issue here is the age difference and the sneaking. And just saying well it's at school, its all innocent doesn't work for me, I know that when I was in high school there were several incidents of kids being caught in the act of having sex during school at school. And I know that at least one of her friends isn't a virgin anymore, and that girl is still in 8th grade, not even high school.

 

[LuvLDM]

They don't see each other outside of school- what's the big deal? And really-she's in high school already. She will have boyfriends.

Agreed.
OP I think you are overreacting. It's actually kind of sad that she has to keep it a secret, wouldn't you prefer your Dd feel like she can talk to you about this?

 

[5lilfish]

Your daughter is intentionally deceiving you, that is a problem. Just because she only sees him at school is of little solace as well.... where there is a will there is a way. A secret relationship is not good.

You and your husband need to talk with your daughter, focus on her lying (even if it is lying by omission) rather than she has a boyfriend. She is betraying a trust and a rule she was made aware of. Cell phone/social networking would be restricted for a few weeks, imho.

It isn't cute that a 14 year old girl is secretly dating a 16 year old. The 14 year old has no one but peers to turn to about advise and that is dangerous. I agree with you and your husband, 14 is too young for dating. She has a lifetime to have romance. Parents are quite naive to think that teens dating is all harmless - it is so far from that.

Good luck.

That would not be the case if the parents make themselves available and open to communication without fear being attached. I could talk to my Mom about anything...and I did. I have tried to create the same openess with my kids. I think slamming the doors with rules like, "No boyfriend until you are 16...PERIOD!" is what is dangerous.

I would prefer my kids were not dating at 14 either...I'm not saying that I am all for it. I am just not going to forbid it and I am going to encourage my kids to be open about the choices they are making. I've kept my kids pretty busy (sports, music, church, school, vacations)...and I know where they are and what they are doing (so far). That helps too. I've also had talks that went something like..."This is the only time in your life that everthing can be all about YOU. There is no need to put yourself in a position that you have to worry about how to keep a boyfriend/girlfriend happy. You'll have plenty of time for that later. Right now, make yourself happy. Have fun...hang out, play sports, do your school work...don't limit yourself."

Jess

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I am shocked and aghast at the number of posters that think OP is off-base for setting dating rules for her own daughter.

The OP's post is that her 14 year old violated a well established rule. Regardless of what others think about the rule, the rule is in place. How does she handle the fact that the rule was violated.

While I don't think it will do much good, I am going to try and explain why I think dating at 14 is a bad idea for many.

• Society places way too much emphasis on being a couple. Look at people thinking how cute it is that a 6 year old has a gf/bf. WHY? It is counterproductive to the making of strong, self sufficient individuals.
• This is the time for a young person to discover themselves as an individual and how to interact with the opposite sex.
• Fitting in is so important for teens and they will do almost anything to appear to be 'in'.
• Rushing into being a couple when they have not learned to deal with their hormones lead to premature experimenting.( they don't know what to say or do, so they see on television, movies, etc, the next step is sex)
• Experimenting today isn't show me yours I'll show you mine, it is more like - do this and do that. Girls are more apt to be involved in oral sex, because their peers tell them that it really isn't sex after all and guys really like it. It only goes downhill from there.
• Girls are being treated like objects (see above) and are not getting the right impression of what life is like, all the hard work we have done to instill a sense of pride and you can do anything goes down the drain in a few short minutes. (it isn't inner city kids, it is happening everywhere as young as 10 years old)
• Very few parents actually have a clue as to what their teens are doing and less and less schools are nipping things in the bud, so to speak, with the PDA, so the amount of stuff going on is much more than they know. We read about the dumb ones that get caught.
• Encourage group outings, friends over to get to know each other. But, no to the dating. It isn't hand holding it is soooooo much more.

 

[Magpie]

Call up and invite him and his parents to dinner. Getting to know him is the best way to get the situatoin out in the open and diffuse any illicit thrill that is there.

As a general rule, forbidding something is the surest way to get a teen to pursue it, and most of the time causes more problems than it solves. Better to tolerate their "relationship" but inject the rest of your family into it; give it some normalcy.

This!

My daughter's first "boyfriend" was in grade 6. All it was, was holding hands and hanging out at lunch. She got bored with it soon enough, and they "broke up".

Girls and boys will always find a way to associate with each other. The best way to ensure that no harm comes of it, is to get everything out in the open and communicate clearly with your children.

Whatever you do, don't turn this into "Romeo and Juliet". Secrecy only leads to them becoming more serious, and then she won't have any adult to turn to if she feels in over her head.

 

[Cinderella94]

OP Here:

She usually spends hours talking to me about everything,

Then why are you concerned?? (Not that I thought you had reason to be before I knew this)

 

[SaraJayne]

Coming from someone who had a boyfriend at 14 and also started having sex with said boyfriend at 14- he was also 2 years older than me- I would talk to your daughter about it. Talk to her calmy about why you think she is too young to date and what can happen with an older boy.

If my mom would have talked to me about it, I probabaly would have stopped dating him (because I valued her opinion and wanted to always please her), but she never knew about it- until we got caught having sex in school- in the boys locker room- by the gym teacher

Probably not what this mom wanted to hear!

 

[justhat]

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I can say this so far: we are not controlling (well, DH is sort of), DH is way more adamant about the 'no dating' than I am, neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did. Looking on her FB to me: not snooping...they put it out there for the world to see, and she KNOWS that I read regularly. She usually spends hours talking to me about everything, so there isn't a history of sneaking around. To me, the BIGGEST issue here is the age difference and the sneaking. And just saying well it's at school, its all innocent doesn't work for me, I know that when I was in high school there were several incidents of kids being caught in the act of having sex during school at school. And I know that at least one of her friends isn't a virgin anymore, and that girl is still in 8th grade, not even high school.

I think saying "neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did," is a bad thing to think about. Your daughter is not you and you shouldn't expect her to be. She knows your rule about no boyfriends and is willing to break it. So to maintain your stance will just make her continue to sneak behind your back. And that is where your problems will really start.

If she's currently spending hours talking to you about "everything" and doesn't have a history of sneaking around, then keep that in mind and think about why she is sneaking now. She must obviously really like this boy and really feel ready for some kind of relationship. She sounds like a good kid, so if she's willing to hide this from you, then she must like him enough to do so, and also not trust you enough to tell you or discuss the rule with you. And that is what I would want to change.

I would focus on setting ground rules about relationships, like when and where she can see the boyfriend, how long she can be on the phone, things like that. Give her some freedom and respect and she sounds like the type of kid who will in turn respect the new rules you set up.

 

[Mermaid02]

She's in high school you need to lighten up on the no boy thing- what I would do is let her have the boy over so they can spend time together under your supervision. You can get to know him, he can get to know you and your husband. Otherwise they will lie and sneak around to be together and things could get out of hand.

 

[Jennasis]

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I can say this so far: we are not controlling (well, DH is sort of), DH is way more adamant about the 'no dating' than I am, neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did. Looking on her FB to me: not snooping...they put it out there for the world to see, and she KNOWS that I read regularly. She usually spends hours talking to me about everything, so there isn't a history of sneaking around. To me, the BIGGEST issue here is the age difference and the sneaking. And just saying well it's at school, its all innocent doesn't work for me, I know that when I was in high school there were several incidents of kids being caught in the act of having sex during school at school. And I know that at least one of her friends isn't a virgin anymore, and that girl is still in 8th grade, not even high school.

The you should make the subject of your discussion with her "the sneaking" and NOT the actual relationship. Dating at 14 is normal. It's healthy (with limits). No need to condemn her to an ivory tower because her friends made bad choices. Instead, open the line of communication about being appropriate and safe and making good choices.

 

[Cinderella94]

If she's currently spending hours talking to you about "everything" and doesn't have a history of sneaking around, then keep that in mind and think about why she is sneaking now. She must obviously really like this boy and really feel ready for some kind of relationship. She sounds like a good kid, so if she's willing to hide this from you, then she must like him enough to do so, and also not trust you enough to tell you or discuss the rule with you. And that is what I would want to change.

I would focus on setting ground rules about relationships, like when and where she can see the boyfriend, how long she can be on the phone, things like that. Give her some freedom and respect and she sounds like the type of kid who will in turn respect the new rules you set up.

This!!

 

[horseshowmom]

Your daughter is intentionally deceiving you, that is a problem. Just because she only sees him at school is of little solace as well.... where there is a will there is a way. A secret relationship is not good.

You and your husband need to talk with your daughter, focus on her lying (even if it is lying by omission) rather than she has a boyfriend. She is betraying a trust and a rule she was made aware of. Cell phone/social networking would be restricted for a few weeks, imho.

It isn't cute that a 14 year old girl is secretly dating a 16 year old. The 14 year old has no one but peers to turn to about advise and that is dangerous.

I agree with you and your husband, 14 is too young for dating. She has a lifetime to have romance. Parents are quite naive to think that teens dating is all harmless - it is so far from that.

Good luck.

I used to think the bf/gf thing in school only was no big deal until they caught the middle schoolers doing it in the bathroom. I don't mean kissing.

Talk to her about being careful and is she really ready for a relationship. I don't think she is too young but I do think the boy is a bit on the too old side for her. If she was 15 I wouldn't think so. At that age 2.5 years is a huge difference.

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I can say this so far: we are not controlling (well, DH is sort of), DH is way more adamant about the 'no dating' than I am, neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did. Looking on her FB to me: not snooping...they put it out there for the world to see, and she KNOWS that I read regularly. She usually spends hours talking to me about everything, so there isn't a history of sneaking around. To me, the BIGGEST issue here is the age difference and the sneaking. And just saying well it's at school, its all innocent doesn't work for me, I know that when I was in high school there were several incidents of kids being caught in the act of having sex during school at school. And I know that at least one of her friends isn't a virgin anymore, and that girl is still in 8th grade, not even high school.

OP, I'm going to go against the flow and tell you that I see your point. I don't think 14 year olds have any business dating.

Now, I do think you may be going too far by saying "no boyfriends" if you mean no conact with boys at all, but if you actually mean no dating (as in, the boy comes and picks her up and they leave), then I'm with you.

I definitely think, in today's world, that a 16 1/2 year old junior is too old for a 14 year old girl. I know there will be plenty of people who will share stories about how they were told no but found ways to do so anyway, but I don't think that means you should just say you have no responsibility to continue to rear your daughter as you see fit.

And she needs to understand that it is never a good idea to make choices that have the appearance of being untrustworthy.

 

[dislaney]

OP Here:

I am reading the replies, and doing a lot of thinking.....still thinking for a couple of more hours before i do anything or post replies.

I can say this so far: we are not controlling (well, DH is sort of), DH is way more adamant about the 'no dating' than I am, neither DH nor I were allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends until we were at least 16, and neither of us did. Looking on her FB to me: not snooping...they put it out there for the world to see, and she KNOWS that I read regularly. She usually spends hours talking to me about everything, so there isn't a history of sneaking around. To me, the BIGGEST issue here is the age difference and the sneaking. And just saying well it's at school, its all innocent doesn't work for me, I know that when I was in high school there were several incidents of kids being caught in the act of having sex during school at school. And I know that at least one of her friends isn't a virgin anymore, and that girl is still in 8th grade, not even high school.

A much as we'd all like to lock our daughters up, we can't.

I'm not trying to say what your daughter is doing is right, but I would rather my child have a boyfriend and it not be a secret from me. If your daughter really wants to have sex with a boy, she will find a way whether you forbid that or not. I would concentrate on trying to open the communication skills further, if she won't tell you about a boyfriend, she's not going to tell you about the bigger issues. That to me would be the bigger issue!