DD Drama - at my wit's end (sorry so long) ***Update post 127***

[Gabes_mommy]

Calling would definitely be a waste of time. These are people who have told her all along that she doesn't need to go to school....their darling son will take care of her on his $200/wk job!!!!!

Eek! This weekend I was watching a show called "16 and Pregnant" and on the show the boyfriend's parents actually admitted to conspiring with the boyfriend to get the girl pregnant - she was 17. It shocks me that parents like these exist.

More hugs for the OP.

 

[BroknMom]

OP as a mom who has been there and done that, my only suggestion to you is to remember she is your dd and sometimes you have to back away just enough for them to realize what they are doing on their own.

My dd was 16 when she started dating a boy, who in the beginning I thought was an ok guy. No big fire alarms went off, he just seem like a normal kid. She is now 21 and I can tell you he is not. She breaks up with him, goes back, breaks up, goes back. She has moved out, moved in, moved out and moved in. I would pick her up and two days later they would be friends and I would be the 'bad' guy for trying to make him look like the 'bad' guy. I finally went to the women's shelter and spoke to one of the counselors. Honestly I couldn't take it anymore. He was also hitting her and she would pretend like something else happened, he got angry with her one night and threw all her clothes out in the yard and poured bleach on everything and she wouldn't call the police. Once, they had a terrible fight I picked her up and in the middle of the night he took a screwdriver and engraved her name in my brand new Yukon and slashed all the tires on our cars. He kept getting away with stuff because there wasn't proof it was him. I wanted to personally do damage to him for the stress and everything else he caused my child and my family. I spoke to his mother...who acted like my kid needed to act better. It never ended.

After speaking to the woman's shelter counselor I stopped and took their advice. If she called in the middle of the night and wanted me to pick her up I had to ask her if she was calling the police. If the answer was no, I had to let her know I could not help her. The most important part of the equation was letting her know I love her but she had to help herself too. If she wanted to come over and stay, we had to understand he was not allowed here period and the first time she left to go back it was the end. She loved him (or thought so anyway) and she was willingly letting everything he did slide. SHE had to be the one that understood his problems and want to get out of it.

I would speak to someone that knows these situations and ask for advice. The bottom line is that if she wants to be with him she is going to. The only thing you can do is provide her with the information on where/who to call if something happens and be there when she does. Without going overboard and making demands and putting yourself out there to be the bad guy. As long as she doesn't see him for who he is she will stay.

Kelly

Oh my. I can only imagine what you must have gone through!! I pray it does not take DD years to figure this whole thing out! Thank you for your story.

Eek! This weekend I was watching a show called "16 and Pregnant" and on the show the boyfriend's parents actually admitted to conspiring with the boyfriend to get the girl pregnant - she was 17. It shocks me that parents like these exist.

More hugs for the OP.

Oh dear Lord, please pray this does not happen to us.

 

[WriteDisney]

I think I will sit down and write her a letter to give her when she comes home and just reinforce the fact of how much I love her and want nothing more than to help her succeed in life without even mentioning what has happened or the fact that she is "dating" him again.

I think thats a great idea

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

Unfortunately I don't have any great advice, but I wanted to give you all the hugs I can.

 

[AlleyKat]

OP as a mom who has been there and done that, my only suggestion to you is to remember she is your dd and sometimes you have to back away just enough for them to realize what they are doing on their own.

My dd was 16 when she started dating a boy, who in the beginning I thought was an ok guy. No big fire alarms went off, he just seem like a normal kid. She is now 21 and I can tell you he is not. She breaks up with him, goes back, breaks up, goes back. She has moved out, moved in, moved out and moved in. I would pick her up and two days later they would be friends and I would be the 'bad' guy for trying to make him look like the 'bad' guy. I finally went to the women's shelter and spoke to one of the counselors. Honestly I couldn't take it anymore. He was also hitting her and she would pretend like something else happened, he got angry with her one night and threw all her clothes out in the yard and poured bleach on everything and she wouldn't call the police. Once, they had a terrible fight I picked her up and in the middle of the night he took a screwdriver and engraved her name in my brand new Yukon and slashed all the tires on our cars. He kept getting away with stuff because there wasn't proof it was him. I wanted to personally do damage to him for the stress and everything else he caused my child and my family. I spoke to his mother...who acted like my kid needed to act better. It never ended.

After speaking to the woman's shelter counselor I stopped and took their advice. If she called in the middle of the night and wanted me to pick her up I had to ask her if she was calling the police. If the answer was no, I had to let her know I could not help her. The most important part of the equation was letting her know I love her but she had to help herself too. If she wanted to come over and stay, we had to understand he was not allowed here period and the first time she left to go back it was the end. She loved him (or thought so anyway) and she was willingly letting everything he did slide. SHE had to be the one that understood his problems and want to get out of it.

I would speak to someone that knows these situations and ask for advice. The bottom line is that if she wants to be with him she is going to. The only thing you can do is provide her with the information on where/who to call if something happens and be there when she does. Without going overboard and making demands and putting yourself out there to be the bad guy. As long as she doesn't see him for who he is she will stay.

Kelly

This certainly is a cliffhanger!

Is your daughter still with the guy?

If not, how did the "drama" finally end?

 

[BroknMom]

This certainly is a cliffhanger!

Is your daughter still with the guy?

If not, how did the "drama" finally end?

I was wondering the same thing!

 

[Dee & Greg]

okay... just my 2 cents... where is your DH in all this? As an only child, I have always been close to my Dad. And I know what he would have done in this case.... driven to the boy's house and politely asked me to come out and talk. Always polite and soft spoken; never in anger.
He would tell me that he loved me and it's his job to protect me. And to get into the car right away.
It's such a hard age for girls... they want to be an adult, but it's scary. Knowing my Dad always had my back was a life saver.
I always think of the song "I loved her first".

It's one thing to have Mom arguing on the phone with you.. another to have Dad "protect you".

Fortunately, I married a man just like Dad.

 

[sbell111]

okay... just my 2 cents... where is your DH in all this? As an only child, I have always been close to my Dad. And I know what he would have done in this case.... driven to the boy's house and politely asked me to come out and talk. Always polite and soft spoken; never in anger.
He would tell me that he loved me and it's his job to protect me. And to get into the car right away.
It's such a hard age for girls... they want to be an adult, but it's scary. Knowing my Dad always had my back was a life saver.
I always think of the song "I loved her first".

It's one thing to have Mom arguing on the phone with you.. another to have Dad "protect you".

Fortunately, I married a man just like Dad.

It appears that Dad has always been out of the picture.

 

[Dee & Greg]

It appears that Dad has always been out of the picture.

Yes, bio Dad is out, but OP's DH adopted DD when she was in 5th grade.

 

[sbell111]

Yes, bio Dad is out, but OP's DH adopted DD when she was in 5th grade.

Their relationship is not in evidence.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

So he faked shooting himself? He has problems of his own that she doesnt want to get involved in.

This situation is serious and could become a life/death situation for your DD. This young guy sounds very mentally unstable.
ETA I work in law enforcement and this situation is textbook. Does the BF have access to firearms? In an emotionally charged situation he could harm her or worse.

As for getting her to see that...I don't know. Do you think she would agree to go for counselling or read a book (I doubt he would let her do either). I agree that she needs to work on her self esteem so that she can see this relationship for what it is. That's so sad to be in something like that during the time of her life that should be worry free and fun.

 

[Chicago526]

Thankfully her BFF had a baby in January. In 5 short months, she has seen the struggles BFF is having and is adamant about the fact that she is waiting to start a family AFTER she graduates college and is established in a career.

The single best way to bind her to him is with a baby, so be sure she is on BC that he can't tamper with. He can steal or hide her pills, he can poke holes in condoms and diaphrams, etc. He may also try and talk her into having one voluntarily. If she's on a shot or norplant(sp?) he can't mess with it and it's harder for her to change her mind if he's trying to talk her in to it.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I read all 8 pages and

My thoughts, first of all, that going away to college is what some 12 step friends of mine call "pulling a geographic", where they hope that changing the location will equate with changing the problem.

Your daughter's problem isn't the boyfriend.

Your daughter's problem is herself.

What is it in herself that wants to stay with this guy, that is willing to throw everything, including possibly her own life, to stay with him? There's a hole in her somewhere that's causing this bad behavior, simply putting her in a different location still leaves her vulnerable.

I would start by sending her a message that says "I'm sorry, please come home and tell me what you need. I will do my best to help you be happy."

By doing this you're putting yourself on her side, instead of her and the boyfriend against you. You need to help her find the strength to see that the BF has no future with her, that she doesn't need him and he was nothing more than a tough learning experience for her.

Give her choices, let her feel like she has the power (because she does, she just doesn't know how to use it). Ask her "do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?" If (god forbid) she says yes, then ask her, "how are you going to help him be a better person so he doesn't hurt you?" "Are you ready to have children with him, and how can you protect your children if he is still having these issues?"

Really, give her the power to understand what she's taking on by dating this guy.

Don't tell her what a bad guy he is, because she loves him you force her to defend him. Allow her the space and help her grow in wisdom to see it for herself. Be on her side to help her grow away from him when she's ready, without saying "we knew he was a bad guy," etc.

In fact, tell yourself today you will never, ever say another bad thing about this guy out loud ever again. Buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in him every damn day to get through it if you have to, but every bad thing you say about him just makes the wedge bigger between you and your daughter.

Don't even talk about the financial stuff with her right now, she's not going to jump through any hoops for you and she's daring you to cut her off so she can use it to glom onto creep boy. Just act like it doesn't matter (because you're trying to save your daughter, so it really doesn't).

Act like her thoughts and opinions matter, say things like "Help us to understand what you're going through," and "how do you want us to behave". I'm not saying you have to do it, but she does need to be able to communicate her thoughts to you and feel like an adult doing it.

She will feel so much stronger with herself if you give her power this way...

just my 2c from somebody's who's been in the parent trenches.

 

[diskids2]

OP, I think you've got to play this very carefully at this point. Tough love is great in some cases but NOT in this one! She's not being a spoiled brat - she's a young woman with dangerously low self esteem. The more you fight and argue with her, the more certain she becomes that he is the only one who "loves" her. She could very easily end up in the position of thinking she has no choice but to stay with him, after all Mom is done with her - what else can she do?

Keep talking to her. When she gets home do whatever you have to do - hock everything you own if you must, but put her in the car or on a plane and go somewhere - just the two of you. Call it a vacation, whatever. Just take her somewhere he isn't for a week or two and re-connect. Try and get her focus back on her goals. And PLEASE reconsider the college 45 minutes away!
That will not help. She needs to be a long plane ride away!

I have a daughter in college and I've been sooooooooo close to where you are right now.

I could not agree more with this advice. I have been in your shoes and it is not fun. I know you want to scream and shout and be controlling but that will not work. She has got to figure out on her own that she is a wonderful person and she must get rid of that low self esteem issue.

Re-connect, tread slowly, involve her with positive role models, do what you can do to have her trust in you. Don't push her away. She may not come back.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I read all 8 pages and

My thoughts, first of all, that going away to college is what some 12 step friends of mine call "pulling a geographic", where they hope that changing the location will equate with changing the problem.

Your daughter's problem isn't the boyfriend.
Your daughter's problem is herself.

What is it in herself that wants to stay with this guy, that is willing to throw everything, including possibly her own life, to stay with him? There's a hole in her somewhere that's causing this bad behavior, simply putting her in a different location still leaves her vulnerable.

I would start by sending her a message that says "I'm sorry, please come home and tell me what you need. I will do my best to help you be happy."

By doing this you're putting yourself on her side, instead of her and the boyfriend against you. You need to help her find the strength to see that the BF has no future with her, that she doesn't need him and he was nothing more than a tough learning experience for her.

Give her choices, let her feel like she has the power (because she does, she just doesn't know how to use it). Ask her "do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?" If (god forbid) she says yes, then ask her, "how are you going to help him be a better person so he doesn't hurt you?" "Are you ready to have children with him, and how can you protect your children if he is still having these issues?"

Really, give her the power to understand what she's taking on by dating this guy.

Don't tell her what a bad guy he is, because she loves him you force her to defend him. Allow her the space and help her grow in wisdom to see it for herself. Be on her side to help her grow away from him when she's ready, without saying "we knew he was a bad guy," etc.

In fact, tell yourself today you will never, ever say another bad thing about this guy out loud ever again. Buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in him every damn day to get through it if you have to, but every bad thing you say about him just makes the wedge bigger between you and your daughter.

Don't even talk about the financial stuff with her right now, she's not going to jump through any hoops for you and she's daring you to cut her off so she can use it to glom onto creep boy. Just act like it doesn't matter (because you're trying to save your daughter, so it really doesn't).

Act like her thoughts and opinions matter, say things like "Help us to understand what you're going through," and "how do you want us to behave". I'm not saying you have to do it, but she does need to be able to communicate her thoughts to you and feel like an adult doing it.

She will feel so much stronger with herself if you give her power this way...

just my 2c from somebody's who's been in the parent trenches.

Wow, outstanding post!!!!!!

(For once today, I can completely agree with and send Kudos to you Kickapoo)

OP, please read this several times over....
Think about the comments that are bolded....

 

[kellyg403]

This certainly is a cliffhanger!

Is your daughter still with the guy?

If not, how did the "drama" finally end?

No, they are no longer together. My dd became a mother and realized what was necessary to do for her child. It took her a long time NOT to go back. My grandson is two and they finally broke up for the final time in Dec. She has come back home and they live with us. She has met a very nice young marine who treats my grandson as his own. She is now attending AA meetings and getting her life together. She drank to avoid the consequences of the relationship. She has had low self esteem her whole life. It is something we have been working on since she was 6. She is 21 now, she has a long way to go. Yes, grandson's dad sees him, but mostly it is his mother who has a relationship with him.

Sometimes I think these situations never end. Emotionally there is a lot that needs to be dealt with. She still thinks that she can control the situation she is in with him, even though they are not together. But, you can see all the things she avoids with him. He calls and fights with her still if he can not get his way. She is worried sometimes that if she fights back he will come here and try to destroy or vehicles or homes or something. I am not worried but she is having a hard time not feeling like the person who has to protect all of us. She is in group therapy too. Hopefully someday this will all be a distant memory for her.

Kelly

 

[BroknMom]

I read all 8 pages and

My thoughts, first of all, that going away to college is what some 12 step friends of mine call "pulling a geographic", where they hope that changing the location will equate with changing the problem.

Your daughter's problem isn't the boyfriend.

Your daughter's problem is herself.

What is it in herself that wants to stay with this guy, that is willing to throw everything, including possibly her own life, to stay with him? There's a hole in her somewhere that's causing this bad behavior, simply putting her in a different location still leaves her vulnerable.

I would start by sending her a message that says "I'm sorry, please come home and tell me what you need. I will do my best to help you be happy."

By doing this you're putting yourself on her side, instead of her and the boyfriend against you. You need to help her find the strength to see that the BF has no future with her, that she doesn't need him and he was nothing more than a tough learning experience for her.

Give her choices, let her feel like she has the power (because she does, she just doesn't know how to use it). Ask her "do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?" If (god forbid) she says yes, then ask her, "how are you going to help him be a better person so he doesn't hurt you?" "Are you ready to have children with him, and how can you protect your children if he is still having these issues?"

Really, give her the power to understand what she's taking on by dating this guy.

Don't tell her what a bad guy he is, because she loves him you force her to defend him. Allow her the space and help her grow in wisdom to see it for herself. Be on her side to help her grow away from him when she's ready, without saying "we knew he was a bad guy," etc.

In fact, tell yourself today you will never, ever say another bad thing about this guy out loud ever again. Buy a voodoo doll and stick pins in him every damn day to get through it if you have to, but every bad thing you say about him just makes the wedge bigger between you and your daughter.

Don't even talk about the financial stuff with her right now, she's not going to jump through any hoops for you and she's daring you to cut her off so she can use it to glom onto creep boy. Just act like it doesn't matter (because you're trying to save your daughter, so it really doesn't).

Act like her thoughts and opinions matter, say things like "Help us to understand what you're going through," and "how do you want us to behave". I'm not saying you have to do it, but she does need to be able to communicate her thoughts to you and feel like an adult doing it.

She will feel so much stronger with herself if you give her power this way...

just my 2c from somebody's who's been in the parent trenches.

Absolutely, positively amazing. Again....posts like this one is exactly the reason I turned to the Dis for help/opinions/suggestions!! You have no idea how much everyone's time and words mean to me right now!!!

I'm tempted to print every single page of this post out and let my mom read over it. She just doesn't get it!

Also, thank you for the advice regarding not saying anything negative about the guy. I had actually woke up out of a sound sleep last night and came to the same conclusion. I vowed that I would talk about anything and everything with her other than he so called boyfriend. I can see where it would only push her closer to him.

 

[ozarkmom]

I don't really know what to say. I have some previous posts on here about my daughter's loser ex. It took her nearly three years now 6 months and I am 99.9% sure she's through with him. Yes there is a fear in me that she still might go back. This young man is even worse than the boy you described but he's older and has more time to evolve. We tried everything and nothing worked until she decided she'd had enough. My daughter is also beautiful, funny, popular and her father and I are happily married and she came from as normal home life as there is. Who knows why some girls/women are attracted to these jerks. I know this guy is excellent at manipulation and he really had control for a while. The thing that really helped my daughter was when his dad sent him to rehab for 60 days. My daughter really got to breath and start having fun. She started school and made the decision that she didn't want to live like that anymore and her friends were a big help. So if you can get her away off to school it may help her to make that break. Of course he could go there to see her so I really don't know. I just know how you feel and wish you luck.

 

[karensi]

I really and truly feel her going to college (even though it is 45 min. away) would be the best thing for her. I'm hoping that she'll get so involved with activities down there that she won't give him a second thought. We took her to orientation just last week and she was so excited to get involved in community service programs and looking at sororities. She will also be living in a dorm with a girl from our town. The dorm has rules about overnight guests so hopefully that will keep the jerk from crashing there. *Keeping my fingers crossed* Her new roommate is a girl that has a good head on her shoulders and will be a wonderful influence on DD. I truly think that once she gets down there, life will hopefully look a little rosier for her.

BroknMom, I too, just finished reading all the PP's .
It seems as if you have pretty much decided that you will pay for her college. I absolutely agree with you, and with the PP's who say that if you let/encourage her to attend college, it will be one of the best ways you can help her get out of the present situation she is in.

In college she will meet other girls and guys and will (hopefully) get into a different sort of lifestyle.
What I mean is, she may develop other interests, join a club and get involved with other things that will take her mind off of the boy friend.
Who knows, maybe she may even meet someone else who treats her the way she deserves to be treated.


Anyway, just want to add my 2 cents. Pay for/encourage college.
Otherwise, I think, her only alternative is to stay with him and his family

Let her experience something better than she is experiencing now. She may like it and will move on with her life.
Hopefully, you will be able to look back at this next year and wonder how you all made it through it.

As a Mom of 3 and Nana of 5 all I can say is strap in, it's not an easy ride.


to you,

Karen

 

[luv2sew]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I have two kids in college a DD and DS and really feel blessed that they are doing well. But I take it all on a day to day basis cause I know young adults are unpredictable so I keep my options open at all times.
First of all when I sent my kids off to college my talk with them included the following:

I do not help (because all I can do is help we are not in a position to pay for it all) with any monetary support if you fail....and we judge this on a semester by semester basis...you must get C's or better in all your courses for that semester, if not, your done with getting support from me. I don't pay for something that is a waste of money and supporting a failing child is a waste of money. Now we can discuss a situation that may arise that you do your best and still get a "D" in a subject.

I do not bail you out of jail, you are old enough to know the laws and how to obey the law and if you get in trouble you are old enough to get yourself out of it.

I do not raise your babies, I will be a grandmother to your kids, I will spoil your kids, I will buy things for your kids, I will have your kids over for sleepovers , but I won't raise your kids.

Having said that I would not take my support for her to go to college away from her at this time....she needs to go to college and needs to get into a situation where she may find some friends that can support her and help her through this. I say MAY cause going off to college is not the golden goose, if this thing with her BF is going to continue, it will whether she's at college or not but maybe, just maybe, she'll find someone else at college or get into a group of friends that will help her see the light.

I would NOT send her to college with a car most all college campuses are for the most part self supportive and the kids can go from class to dinner and to dorm with either their feet for transportation or buses that the colleges have connections with.

Cell phone is a must....you can't scrimp on the very lifeline she has to you and to help if/when she needs it.

I would suggest that maybe you and her can get away for a couple days (sorta like an intervention but don't mention it to her) where you can line up some counseling to go together to and do some college shopping....maybe you can bond and start off with a new relationship of some kind. I too love the suggestion of seeing a womens shelter where she may be able to meet some battered women and have their side of the story.

I think if you push her too hard, and you may have already, you will only make her want to be with him more.

God bless you and I hope that all goes well.