Dating Red Flags?

[Nancyg56]

There can be common ground for people of differing viewpoints.

Viewpoints? Of course. Core values and beliefs? No. It is my opinion that is one reason that some relationships flounder. There really is no compromise if partners feels strongly about abortion bans, one way or the other, or of they are polar opposites regarding same sex marriage or treatment for trans kids. Where is the common ground that you can compromise on?

The same holds true for couples who are not in agreement about children. How do you compromise that decision? The kid pays if

We are not talking about smoking vs not smoking in the home, or something along those line. We are talking about the innermost values we each hold.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yes, hygiene is huge. Teeth, breath, hair, finger and toenails, scent, cleanliness of clothing, etc.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

While I get what the pp’s are talking about, I also think that people have to realize that others may have different ’core values’ too. Sure, they’re deal breakers for some. Especially lately.

Putting a foot down and refusing to discuss things would be a deal breaker for me.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Imagine living in a world where every single person puts their feet down and refuses to discuss anything at all, saying, “There is no compromise on people’s rights”. (Oh, wait…)

Do people not see that everyone’s ’core values’ may vary?

And am I hearing that someone could end a 30 year relationship over something like this? Wow. Things may be worse than I thought.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Imagine living in a world where every single person puts their feet down and refuses to discuss anything at all, saying, “There is no compromise on people’s rights”. (Oh, wait…)

Do people not see that everyone’s ’core values’ may vary?

And am I hearing that someone could end a 30 year relationship over something like this? Wow. Things may be worse than I thought.

Depends what we are discussing.
Being a racist is a dealbreaker for me.
If you are okay with that then okay I guess.

I never said I would end a 30 year marriage. I know my spouse well enough before we got married.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Of course people are allowed to have issues they can't compromise on. It's up to each individual to decide where those limits are.

That said, DH and I have definitely compromised on what I consider core values. For example, I'm married to a person who owns a gun. That's probably one of the hardest compromises I've made (It is locked up) but I wouldn't trade having made that compromise for 33 years of an overall happy marriage.

I haven't changed MY core values and beliefs, but I do acknowledge and live with his right to have his own.

I have made that same sacrifice. My FIL was into gun collecting & passed them down to my DH (an only child). We compromised by me allowing the guns to be in our home & DH agreeing to have no bullets on our property. He knows I was only willing to compromise, because they were family heirlooms. Any other gun purchases are out of the question.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I love my husband and have for 44 years of being together and 32 years of marriage. If he walked in today and told me that he did not believe that women had autonomy over their bodies, that the LGBTQ community was not entitled to the same rights that he enjoyed, or that books should be banned, one of us would need to pack up and go. You see, you mentioned respect in the above quoted post, and it is my opinion that any man whose ideology was to disenfranchise women, or people I love, is downright disrespectful. I could not get past that.

Does a 39 week fetus have any rights?

Depends what we are discussing.
Being a racist is a dealbreaker for me.
If you are okay with that then okay I guess.

Yes, I am completely ok with it and I’m a total racist.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Depends what we are discussing.
Being a racist is a dealbreaker for me.
If you are okay with that then okay I guess.

I never said I would end a 30 year marriage. I know my spouse well enough before we got married.

But after a long term relationship, wouldn't someone be able to discern if their partner is a racist? I mean those things are a little hard to hide.

 

[CdnCarrie]

But after a long term relationship, wouldn't someone be able to discern if their partner is a racist? I mean those things are a little hard to hide.

Yup. Think this is more a red flag for dating .but definitely not something you can compromise on no matter how much you like the person.

 

[porschegrl]

Do people not see that everyone’s ’core values’ may vary?

That's the point. Peoples' core values may vary, and if they do, they are potential relationship dealbreakers.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That's the point. Peoples' core values may vary, and if they do, they are potential relationship dealbreakers.

For people that are very rigid, apparently.

 

[Southernmiss]

Where do 39 week abortions occur?

 

[gmi3804]

Being a Christian is way cool. If you had to remind me you're a Christian, I'd run for the hills.

 

[porschegrl]

For people that are very rigid, apparently.

You agree with the PP who mentioned hygiene - something completely negotiable and changeable - as a potential dating dealbreaker, but you think wanting to find someone with compatible core values is being "very rigid." I think you're taking it personally that people have specifically mentioned core values that differ from yours. So don't date them.

 

[Chili327]

Imagine living in a world where every single person puts their feet down and refuses to discuss anything at all

It's where we are headed.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You agree with the PP who mentioned hygiene - something completely negotiable and changeable - as a potential dating dealbreaker, but you think wanting to find someone with compatible core values is being "very rigid." I think you're taking it personally that people have specifically mentioned core values that differ from yours. So don't date them.

All this virtue signaling is costing us as a society.

I also didn’t say that any views “differed from mine”. Don’t assume I disagree.

But we should be questioning some of these things. And maybe turning off The View.

 

[disykat]

I think it comes down to some of us not thinking every red flag is a deal breaker. I wasn't looking for someone who was just like me. I was looking for someone I loved enough and who loved me enough to deal with our differences. It's a very romantic notion that people find a mate they are totally in sync with, but I don't really know any couples like that if we've talked honestly with each other.

 

[ronandannette]

Yup. Think this is more a red flag for dating .but definitely not something you can compromise on no matter how much you like the person.

Which, if the title still serves, is what the thread is about. I don't think it's a real thing that anybody "discovers" major ideological deal-breakers in long-term partners, which was a premise mentioned up-thread . And FWIW, I am all for people knowing themselves well enough to have lists of criteria for considering a mate.

 

[CdnCarrie]

All this virtue signaling is costing us as a society.

I also didn’t say that any views “differed from mine”. Don’t assume I disagree.

But we should be questioning some of these things. And maybe turning off The View.

What does some random tv show have to do with this? I’ve never seen said show. I work full time and don’t watch daytime tv.

Which, if the title still serves, is what the thread is about. I don't think it's a real thing that anybody "discovers" major ideological deal-breakers in long-term partners, which was a premise mentioned up-thread . And FWIW, I am all for people knowing themselves well enough to have lists of criteria for considering a mate.

Agreed.

ETA - only thing I can think of (in a long term relationship) is perhaps the acceptance of a LBQT child. Or perhaps delving into conspiracy theories which is probably more about mental health than a core belief.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

lol. Rigid. Good one.

I have no idea what your point is.

My point is that we seem to have lost the arts of discussion, compromise, ability to see and respect others’ viewpoints, and even empathy. You can’t have a discussion with someone who only sees the world from one rigid point of view. So yes, this is about dealbreakers in dating, but statements such as some of the ones made here seem to reflect the devolution of our society as a whole, as well.