Dating Red Flags?

[Nancyg56]

I guess it depends how important politics are in your life. Sounds pretty boring to me. You are looking for a mate, not a running mate.

I think that "politics" is a mindset lately. I have been married 32 years and I swear, I would jump ship today if my husband's fundamental ideology was the polar opposite of mine. Differences of opinion are fine. We discuss our differences all of the time, and many times we are not in lockstep. A friend of ours is totally into "politics" and once he gets started it is painful. There is rarely a discussion that does I do not warn him to "tread lightly" or that does not result in my husband glaring at me and staring at him. Now, for the most part we have managed to shut the conversations down before they get started, but I have had to let him know that if he crosses a line the friendship is over. Full stop.
He is single BTW.

 

[Nancyg56]

Respectful is a good way to approach it. My wife has arrived at her beliefs after careful consideration, and she thinks I have too. We just sometimes arrived at different conclusions. We respect that. But, we are in California where one party has had a super majority in both houses of the Legislature, and every Constitutional office for years. If you don't agree with their view point, it doesn't matter because it ain't happening.
t

Respect can only get you so far. It seems that for you and your wife, the difference do not bleed into areas that are deal breakers for either of you.

How would a marriage work? Love.

I love my husband and have for 44 years of being together and 32 years of marriage. If he walked in today and told me that he did not believe that women had autonomy over their bodies, that the LGBTQ community was not entitled to the same rights that he enjoyed, or that books should be banned, one of us would need to pack up and go. You see, you mentioned respect in the above quoted post, and it is my opinion that any man whose ideology was to disenfranchise women, or people I love, is downright disrespectful. I could not get past that.

 

[tvguy]

Respect can only get you so far. It seems that for you and your wife, the difference do not bleed into areas that are deal breakers for either of you.

I love my husband and have for 44 years of being together and 32 years of marriage. If he walked in today and told me that he did not believe that women had autonomy over their bodies, that the LGBTQ community was not entitled to the same rights that he enjoyed, or that books should be banned, one of us would need to pack up and go. You see, you mentioned respect in the above quoted post, and it is my opinion that any man whose ideology was to disenfranchise women, or people I love, is downright disrespectful. I could not get past that.

I might add "compromise" as also being important.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I might add "compromise" as also being important.

There is no compromise on people's rights.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is no compromise on people's rights.

I agree, I’m a big “agree to disagree” person, there are some issues that I can’t even do that.

 

[WEDWDW]

I have never understood how people of different Religions make it.

For example if one person belongs to a Religion that believes that anyone who doesn't believe in that Religion will be sentenced to Eternal Damnation and the other person does not believe in that Religion,it seems like the person who believes in that Religion would be constantly stressed and worried about the other person's destiny and the relationship would not be very enjoyable.

Religion just seems to me to be a deal breaker.

 

[sam_gordon]

I have never understood how people of different Religions make it.

For example if one person belongs to a Religion that believes that anyone who doesn't believe in that Religion will be sentenced to Eternal Damnation and the other person does not believe in that Religion,it seems like the person who believes in that Religion would be constantly stressed and worried about the other person's destiny and the relationship would not be very enjoyable.

Religion just seems to me to be a deal breaker.

I'm Jewish, DW is Southern Baptist.

However, I'd be considered a "non-practicing" Jew, while she was VERY involved in the church growing up, and for quite a while after we got married. Our original plan was expose kids to both religions and let them choose what they wanted to follow (if anything). That didn't happen.

Because of our differences, I went (and still go) to church with her on Sunday mornings. Religion was just (much) more important to her than it was to me. The kids know I'm Jewish, but that's about the extent of it. We went (as a family) to my cousin's Bat Mitzvah and they got more exposure on that day than they did throughout their entire lives.

I'm not saying this is how every "mixed religion" family works, just how it works for us. We just celebrated three decades together.

 

[nw6675]

I'm Jewish, DW is Southern Baptist.

However, I'd be considered a "non-practicing" Jew, while she was VERY involved in the church growing up, and for quite a while after we got married. Our original plan was expose kids to both religions and let them choose what they wanted to follow (if anything). That didn't happen.

Because of our differences, I went (and still go) to church with her on Sunday mornings. Religion was just (much) more important to her than it was to me. The kids know I'm Jewish, but that's about the extent of it. We went (as a family) to my cousin's Bat Mitzvah and they got more exposure on that day than they did throughout their entire lives.

I'm not saying this is how every "mixed religion" family works, just how it works for us. We just celebrated three decades together.

Thank you for sharing that. It honestly makes me see you in a whole new perspective. Great post Sam.

 

[disneychrista]

I might add "compromise" as also being important.

Do you and your wife have any fundamental differences that you have had to compromise on?

 

[tvguy]

Do you and your wife have any fundamental differences that you have had to compromise on?

Yes. Religion being one.

 

[tvguy]

There is no compromise on people's rights.

There can be common ground for people of differing viewpoints.

 

[Nancyg56]

I might add "compromise" as also being important.

In what way? There are some fundamental beliefs that I carry to my core. I was a young woman during the 70's. Birth control was almost non existent for many women, not covered by insurance. Any changes to a woman's reproductive organs had to be authorized by her husband. Gay marriage and same gay sex were illegal, employers actually posted the wages for men and women in the same position. men were given priority for positions over women. husbands could rape or beat their wives in many states. Women could not obtain credit in their own names. There is no way on Earth I would be able to compromise with regards to any of these issues, and these just tip my surface. No. Before I entered into my relationship with my husband we had discussions about where we both stood most of the important beliefs we both had. He would never have compromised his core values either. Have we made changes? Of course but fundamentally, we are on the same page.

Now, if you ask either one of us if we agree on everything it is a tossup who would fall down laughing first. But core values? Nope.

 

[Southernmiss]

A few thoughts. I am Catholic like Buzz, but even within faith traditions there are differences. I find his beliefs on the more conservative side of my faith. And unfortunately people with political leanings affect that, too.

In the 35 years since dh and I started dating and married our world has changed in so many ways. We have grown up together, learned truths about our world and country and learned that things we were taught in school and our families are really very different than the truth. And that's also affected our family relationships.

Politics of today are definitely a factor in life and beliefs and those issues are more urgent in the US than in the 1980 to early 2000s. Much of what was done in politics during that time was to put us where we are and the general population is only now learning the truth.

Dh and I would both agree that our kids have opened our eyes to much of these realities.

Dh and I are still relearning the world and what we believe and our original political affiliation is no more as we learn the truth.

So a deal breaker to me in dating would definitely be political views.

 

[disykat]

Of course people are allowed to have issues they can't compromise on. It's up to each individual to decide where those limits are.

That said, DH and I have definitely compromised on what I consider core values. For example, I'm married to a person who owns a gun. That's probably one of the hardest compromises I've made (It is locked up) but I wouldn't trade having made that compromise for 33 years of an overall happy marriage.

I haven't changed MY core values and beliefs, but I do acknowledge and live with his right to have his own.

 

[CdnCarrie]

There can be common ground for people of differing viewpoints.

Sure in some things. Right at the moment people were talking about core values.
If you fell in love with someone and then found out they were a racist. Like a real racist. That is not a differing viewpoint.

Or if you child came out as gay and your spouse was homophobic. That is the type of thing we are talking about.

 

[Smugpugmug]

Sure in some things. Right at the moment people were talking about core values.
If you fell in love with someone and then found out they were a racist. Like a real racist. That is not a differing viewpoint.

Or if you child came out as gay and your spouse was homophobic. That is the type of thing we are talking about.

I even draw the line at parents or siblings being homophobic too but that's mostly from a personal experience. I dated someone who had very homophobic family members and that made me never want to deal with that ever again.

 

[Tinkerbell58]

I've been reading the replies and haven't seen personal hygiene mentioned.

 

[disykat]

I've been reading the replies and haven't seen personal hygiene mentioned.

I'll be the first to admit that DH and I grew up with different hygiene standards. He learned pretty quickly that he needed to meet my standards or it would be an attraction issue! Had they been DRASTICALLY different, we wouldn't have made it to the dating stage, much less marriage.

We also have different cleaning standards. I can be lazy about vacuuming and DH likes vacuum lines in the carpet. So, vacuuming is his job.

 

[Chili327]

I've been reading the replies and haven't seen personal hygiene mentioned.

Funny it hasn't been mentioned, but I think that comes up a lot quicker than most other issues.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There is no compromise on people's rights.

We will have to save this for future discussions on different threads.

Maybe on the new board, yeah!