Dating questions after seeing Courageous.

[SaraJayne]

Because you're 16 and dating is supposed to be fun.

Great minds.

 

[punkin]

I think, personally, you should have fun and date around casually for a while before figuring out who you want to marry later in life. I wouldn't want to be dating the last person I ever will at 16.

I am actually married to someone I dated at 16. I also dated others around the same time and later. He was certainly not the only person I ever dated (even though my girls like to joke that Daddy and I got married in grade school). I certainly don't think your philosophy is wrong, but it is not something I ever wanted to do.

 

[marcyinPA]

Didn't most of you use the same criteria when choosing a date as you did choosing a mate anyway? Why on earth would a teenager choose to date a complete jerk (on purpose)? I mean, if the prospective date doesn't meet your criteria, you wouldn't date him or her, right? Or maybe you just weren't that choosy?

I just don't see why people are so wrapped up in the date vs. marriage thing? My son is hopefully going to choose a person he dates by whether they are nice, compatible (ie have similar views on things), fun to be around, etc. He will hopefully choose his wife the same way, but add a few more things in there (does this have staying power, will she be a good mother if we choose to have children, etc.) But having similar views should be in both columns, if you ask me.

 

[horseshowmom]

Gosh, No!


At 16 the goal is to have fun with a boy/girl you like. I can't think many teenagers date someone with the intention of marrying them.
My DD has been dating the same boy for about 6 months. I hope she's not thinking about marriage.

As some of us keep saying, that's not the point that's being made.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Putting an expectation of possible marriage on every single date makes it way more difficult and more pressure than it needs to be.

and you can't have fun with people you might be willing to marry?

Sure you can (and should) have fun then What you should NOT be doing as a teen is thinking of the goal of dating as to get married. The GOAL should be to have fun and get to know someone better (and parent's goals for their kids might include that the kid gets some relationship practice is before the stakes get that high). Even IF it later turns out that that first or early romance was the one (heck, I was 18 when I started dating my DH and we met when we were 16)--marriage should not (by my moral compass anyway) be the goal for teens dating in our modern society.
I also happen to believe placing that kind of future importance on a simple high school date actually INCREASES the odds that the kids will have sex (since they see it as such a big, long term thing)--which might be another reason to steer clear of that whole mindset (though, I have no moral issue with older teens having sex if they are safe about it, mature enough to discuss how they plan to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy and discuss what they would do if in spite of their precautions the girl ended up pregnant, and both parties are wanting to do so and not being pressured into it).

 

[Hannathy]

Because you're 16 and dating is supposed to be fun.

Yes!

My Lord I was the first responder and had to go do a few errands and come back to 7 pages!

These are teens! not 30 somethings. Dating is like riding a bike. They have to learn and fall off a few times. This is when they learn that cute guy who is adorable can't do enough math to figure out the tip, or the really smart kid in chem class is so egotistical and arrogant she can't wait to get home, or the ministers son has a half a dozen hands in the movie theater! and all of them would pass your test. Anybody can fake anything for an hour.

Remember the saying you have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding the prince.

Are you all going to tell me every single boy you liked or went out with in high school is as good as your current DH? and if so why didn't you marry that first one?

Also unless your DD is a raving beauty with a body like Miss Universe, the word will get out and no boy will come within 10 feet of your DD, they aren't going to go thru all that.

I also have a DS and believe me he would not be dating your DD if he had to be interrogated before hand, Nope not going to happen.


I think like I said in the first post, if you don't trust your DD to pick good friends or to have good judgment on where to go or with whom, then you better start working on your DD before you dare to judge other peoples children.

 

[badcramps]

I think it's hilarious that one would ever assume a 15 year old could really know what they want (or don't want) in a marriage partner! Are you all really the same person you were at 15!?

When I was 15 I was sure that one of the requirements for me marrying someone was that they were male because I was straight. Little did I know... At 28 I married my wife.

Besides this one monumental thing, there were also smaller but still extremely important things.

At 15 I had just stopped believing in Catholicism but had no strong feelings about religion. Now and since my college years I am a staunch atheist. (Not that I would ever on principle refuse to marry someone because they are not also a staunch atheist, but as it happens my wife is one too.)

At 15 I was somewhere in the wishy-washy area between pro-life (from all those years of Catholic school) and pro-choice. Now I am adamantly pro-choice in an activist way. (And that I one I think I couldn't marry someone who disagreed--I just wouldn't be able to be with someone who didn't think I should get to control my own body.)

At 15 I was just learning about the concept of feminism but didn't have much of a view about it. I went on to get various degrees related to feminist theory and now do academic work in this area amongst others.

At 15 I was still pretty conservative about sex--boy did that change by 17!

At 15 I was very into my family and thought I would always live in the same area of the country. After college I moved half way across the country for grad school and stayed there for the past 8 years. Now as an academic I am looking for jobs all across the country.

In other words, I would have been completely idiotic for me to have thought I knew what I wanted in a marriage partner at that age. (Not that I was even thinking about marriage at that age!) I would have, in fact, gotten exactly the opposite of what it turns out I wanted as an adult and actually chose in my wife.

We've got a baby on the way and of all the things I've thought to worry about in terms of raising a child, I never considered the possibility that I might have a 15 year old whose seriously thinking about marriage and deciding whether to go to a movie with another kid with that in mind. Now I am scared.

 

[punkin]

Sure you can (and should) have fun then What you should NOT be doing as a teen is thinking of the goal of dating as to get married. The GOAL should be to have fun and get to know someone better (and parent's goals for their kids might include that the kid gets some relationship practice is before the stakes get that high). Even IF it later turns out that that first or early romance was the one (heck, I was 18 when I started dating my DH and we met when we were 16)--marriage should not (by my moral compass anyway) be the goal for teens dating in our modern society.
I also happen to believe placing that kind of future importance on a simple high school date actually INCREASES the odds that the kids will have sex (since they see it as such a big, long term thing)--which might be another reason to steer clear of that whole mindset (though, I have no moral issue with older teens having sex if they are safe about it, mature enough to discuss how they plan to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancy and discuss what they would do if in spite of their precautions the girl ended up pregnant, and both parties are wanting to do so and not being pressured into it).

I strongly disagree with the bolded.

 

[LaceyLace]

Gosh, the purpose of dating is to eventually find a future mate for yourself.

You can't get engaged or married without that first date, so yes, it does need to be taken with a little more seriousness than what is being posted by some on this thread.

Kudos to you OP for your courage, your beliefs, and your desire to be involved in your children's lives.

 

[wvjules]

Dating is for the sole purpose of eventually finding a future mate.

You can't get engaged or married without that first date, so yes, it does need to be taken with a little more seriousness than what is being posted by some on this thread.

Kudos to you OP for your courage, your beliefs, and your desire to be involved in your children's lives.

I strongly disagree with that, especially for a teenager still in high school.

 

[LaceyLace]

I strongly disagree with that, especially for a teenager still in high school.

There are quite a few people that ended up marrying the person they went on a date with in high school you know.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I strongly disagree with the bolded.

So are you hoping that your children marry as older teens or shortly after that? Maybe right after high school?

Personally, I cannot see any point in dating with thoughts of marriage as the primary goal unless you will be marrying fairly soon after finding that person. Personally, I hope my children at least get trough college (putting them at 22-24) before getting married.

Gosh, the purpose of dating is to eventually find a future mate for yourself.

You can't get engaged or married without that first date, so yes, it does need to be taken with a little more seriousness than what is being posted by some on this thread.

Kudos to you OP for your courage, your beliefs, and your desire to be involved in your children's lives.

I disagree with the bolded. That CAN be the purpose of dating, but it is not always and does not have to be. Just lie I can have friends with no intention of being lifetime friends with them. I had friends I really enjoyed hanging out with in highschool whim I never thought of spending time with after graduation. Same with college. Same with just about everywhere I have ever lived (5 states plus Germany in the past 15 years). I made friends with the expectation that we enjoyed each others company at that time and that was all--NOT with some lifetime commitment in mind (though a couple turned out to be that close--most did not and since i was not looking for that it was not a problem). For me, dating as a teen is similar. Not meant to be a lifetime commitment.

 

[princessmom29]

We saw Courageous this past weekend and it has really got me thinking about what type of rules/guidelines we will have for our kids when they start dating. In the movie the parents tell their 15 yo daughter that she is not allowed to date until 17 and that any boy she goes out with will need to meet them and should actually ask her dad before asking her out. I really like this. As we are in the teen years with DS and getting close to them with DD I think it is important to start thinking about how DH and I will address these situations.

The only thing I have ever thought about when it came to dating before seeing this movie was that the kids couldn’t date until 16 but now this movie has me thinking maybe we should have more boundaries than just a set age. When I started dating the guys did have to meet my parents but it was mostly just an introduction and out the door we went. No actual conversation to see what type of boy I was dating. I want more than just an introduction for dates of DD. And I want my DS to want to give more than just an introduction to the parents of girls that he dates.

I am interested to hear what others do in their homes when it comes to dating.

I haven't read the replies, but the double stanard here struck me immedately. Why is it that the boy must go through the third degree with the girl's parents but NO ONE seems to be concerned with meeting the girls their sons take out? The implication is that it doesn't matter what kind of girl my son takes out, he can do as he pleases but there are different rules for my daughter. If you need to meet the girl's date then why on earth would you not need to meet the boy's date?

 

[NHdisneylover]

There are quite a few people that ended up marrying the person they went on a date with in high school you know.

Yep. I think I already mentioned that I know it happens up thread (and that I even married someone I started dating right after high school). That does not mean that the REASON to date in highschool is to find that person--though it has a slight possibility of happening anyway.
Likewise the REASON my kids socialize with peers in highschool is for fun. It is not to build lifelong friends or a social networks which will get them a good job 20 years from now,etc. It MIGHT happen that one or more of their friendships turns out that way, but it is not the reason for those relationships to be NOW.

 

[RitaE]

Gosh, the purpose of dating is to eventually find a future mate for yourself.

You can't get engaged or married without that first date, so yes, it does need to be taken with a little more seriousness than what is being posted by some on this thread.

Kudos to you OP for your courage, your beliefs, and your desire to be involved in your children's lives.

Really?
Because I have to tell you, I'm actually married to the guy that I started dating at 15 but I sure as heck didn't go to Pizza Hut that first night with marriage, 3 kids, and a beagle in mind. I just ... wanted to go on a date with a boy.

 

[Styx Fan]

Maybe someone else has said this (I haven't had a chance to read all 8 pages), but around here, kids just don't seem to "date" they way people used to. They go out in groups more often than not. They may eventually hang out at one or the others house. At some point they decide they are boyfriend and girlfriend....and may never have gone out on what we think of as a date.

I also don't think a young man (or woman) should be judged so harshly as some seem to think based on just meeting. Of course I would like to meet the person my child goes with, but never in a second do I think a kid can't fake the good kid thing to fool a parent. Looking you in the eye, nice handshake, etc certainly show good manners and social graces and I hope my kids learn that. But I have known lots of young people who could totally make it look good. And plenty of really good kids who just can't pull it off....like my son! He has been taught well, but doesn't always follow through. He is a bit shy around adults he doesn't know really well and messes up on some the niceties.

 

[FireDancer]

There are quite a few people that ended up marrying the person they went on a date with in high school you know.

I personally wouldn't want to be done dating that young. If it worked out that way for (general) you that is cool, different strokes. I think though that having the relationship eventually turn into a marriage is different than going in with it as an agenda, especially at such a young age.

When I date someone even now I just look at it as fun. If it lasts a while and gets more serious maybe it becomes exclusive and then progresses from there. I much prefer to let any relationship just go where it goes without going in with an end game in mind.

 

[sam_gordon]

Didn't most of you use the same criteria when choosing a date as you did choosing a mate anyway? Why on earth would a teenager choose to date a complete jerk (on purpose)? I mean, if the prospective date doesn't meet your criteria, you wouldn't date him or her, right? Or maybe you just weren't that choosy?

I just don't see why people are so wrapped up in the date vs. marriage thing? My son is hopefully going to choose a person he dates by whether they are nice, compatible (ie have similar views on things), fun to be around, etc. He will hopefully choose his wife the same way, but add a few more things in there (does this have staying power, will she be a good mother if we choose to have children, etc.) But having similar views should be in both columns, if you ask me.

I think the point is the criteria for a date aren't as strict as for marriage because you don't know enough about the person. Especially in HS where you may have a class or lunch together, so yes, you know the person is:
1) Clean
2) Funny/Smart
3) Attractive in some way

So yes, they are "marriage" material because you have to have SOME kind of interest to agree to the date. And yes, every date COULD lead to marriage. But I would think the GOAL of a date would be to enjoy yourself and/or get to know the other person, NOT marriage.

 

[badcramps]

There are quite a few people that ended up marrying the person they went on a date with in high school you know.

Yes--and couldn't it be that some people will end up marrying someone that they didn't think was "marriage material" in their naive, unworldly 15 year old opinion?

Sure I know some people who started dating at 15 and then at age 25, after going to college, getting jobs, living on their own away from home, etc. were still together and got married. But how does the fact that sometimes this happens (usually years and years after high school, often after break ups and getting back together) mean that 15 year olds should have a strict list of what is acceptable for a marriage partner and refuse to go out for pizza with anyone who doesn't meet that strict list?

Couldn't that 15 year old who thinks their religion is the most important thing find him/herself converting at age 18 and then, gee, there was that nice boy/girl in high school who one wouldn't date because s/he was the wrong religion--the very religion the 18 year old now is?

Further I just don't understand what kind of tragedy is supposed to come about if a person, gasp, dates someone they don't know if they want to marry. I.e. devout 16 year old Catholic eats pizza one night with a 16 year old atheist. Oh no, how will they raise the children!? Gee maybe if they put that question aside they go another date, see a movie, find out they have the same sense of humor. Another date, they teach each other a skill, the first now knows how to cook. The second now knows how to play baseball. Another date--wow the kisses are really incredible and puppy love is sprouting. A year later--been going steady. Going to college soon--have to make choices. Oh, one got into Berkeley and one Princeton. They'll be on the other side of the country. They'll try to do the long distance thing but it won't work in the end. 10 years later they have happy memories of dumb comedies and know how to cook/how to play baseball. How was this a bad outcome?

Or alternatively, they go to college near one another. Keep the relationship going. They break up junior year of college and date other people for a bit, but by senior year they are back together again. They graduate and move in together. It's amazing how well they get along. They are so compatible about money and politics and how to relate to one another. The religious differences aren't a problem at all. (Maybe because one of them has changed their views as soooo many people do after adolescence. Maybe because there isn't any real conflict between them about their different views--they happily agree to disagree and will let the children decide for themselves. Or maybe they don't want children at all--lots of people don't. Or maybe religion does continue to be a minor source of conflict, but given ALL of the other ways they are compatible and that they want to spend their lives together, they can deal with that conflict.) Isn't this a very good outcome?

So it seems to me whatever the point of teen dating, I just don't see why having a date with someone who doesn't fit every single criterion one thinks one wants is a bad idea.

 

[Uncle Remus]

All I gotta say is if some hootchie momma comes home with my kid 'n announces she wants to marry my 16 year old, god help her.