Dating Advice needed...is it a red flag?

[EMom]

How I wish you were a mere troll and I could simply chuckle at your post and then go on my merry way.....

But heaven help you, I think you are serious. My first thought was, "I have never needed a man that bad in my LIFE." I would enter a convent before I'd ignore all those flaming, crimson, scarlet red flags furiously waving right in front of me. It's one thing to be "nice" and give people the benefit of the doubt, but your hinky-meter ought to be screaming right about now. If you didn't have so many posts, I'd truly think this thread was a joke.....that's how bizarre this guy sounds. And it's even more unreal that you don't feel slapped upside the head with that truth.

I am NOT trying to be harsh. I really am not. I know it sounds as if I am. But I am stunned that you are not RUNNING the other way. In the interest of self-preservation, cut him off. If your story was a movie, the audience would be yelling, "Don't get in the car with him, girl!" at the screen.

He has potential stalker written all over him, and that may be his best quality.

 

[Callie]

The teeth thing would make me instantly walk away, and the added fuel to the fire would be all his other problems. Its enough work to take care of myself, that I can't have a man that needs a bunch of help.

 

[disneycruising]

Run quickly and don't look back. Break it off and have no more contact because he's not going to go away easily. It's the moving too fast that's the dealbreaker. (though the teeth thing would have done me in!) With all he's asking I will almost guarantee that the next thing he asks of you is money. He's done absolutely everything to get you to feel sorry for him...dead mother, recovering addict, can't drive, can't write, autistic. He's totally manipulating you right down to the not telling you what his problems were in the initial e-mails. I'm really interested in this job he's had for 18 years.

And I will be the bad guy and say that he's not a recovering addict at all.

My mind is screaming RUN!!

I think he is setting you up... He is a con-man. He wants you to feel sorry for him. A the classic signs of a con-man.

1) he don't type well. Because he is either uneducated or on drugs.

2) The visit to his dead mom-- is BS. He needs you to take him some where and a dead mom is a great story.

3) He is autistic-- really bothers me, as a mom of a DD with Asperger's. I don't think he has it. Just wants another sympathy card.

4) The shaking hand-- could be a sign of withdrawl.

5) Doesn't have a driver's license--Why not? Is it because his record is so bad, that he can't have one.

6) recovery-- If he was truely over his addiction for 9 years...wouldn't his life be better.

7) birthday gift--as complete set up. What guy do you know that buys a gift for someone more then a day a head? He is dangling.. a gift.. as if this will make you want to stay.

Do not put anymore effort into this "person".

Is he the kind of person you would want in your life? I wouldn't! You deserve so much better.

 

[MinnieTink]

RUN, FOREST, RUN!!!!!

Close the door on this ASAP. And like another poster said Do it in a public place or on the phone. This guy is about 5 different brands of creepy.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I knew what I had to do before I started this post, but I did want some opinions in case I was totally off and in the wrong.

He really can't read very well or type well, both of his parents are/were alcoholics. His mother lost both of her legs to diabetes. He showed me a picture. I never said anything about his shaking hand though? Don't know where that came from.

The teeth was the clincher for me. I thought it was just gross and he was being very pushy. He got caught with drugs in his car so instead of going to jail for 20 years he lost his licsense instead for 15. He has only been clean for 9 of them.

I was away at a Disney Wedding this past weekend, that was when I realized this is not going to work. I wish this wasn't happening but yes fellow Dis'ers this is my current love life at the moment.

He was also married before, when he still on drugs. Showed me his wedding pictures as well. It was a family photo that he carries in his wallet.

This is just something else that really rubbed me the wrong way. He still goes to bars with his friends. He drinks non alcoholic beer and does shots of water. But he dances on the bar and things like that so people think he is drunk but he really isn't.

That was another red flag to me, but I thought I was overreacting again.

I have no voice at the moment and am sick. Went to work but was sent home by my boss.....I feel that I should at least call him and tell him its not working out, or should I just send an email?

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Send An email and end it now! Never take a call from him again. I am getting some really bad vibes from what you're telling us about this guy. I am scared for you. I had a really manipulative ex who lied and stalked me and this guy sounds even worse.

 

[pearlieq]

He still goes to bars with his friends. He drinks non alcoholic beer and does shots of water. But he dances on the bar and things like that so people think he is drunk but he really isn't.

That was another red flag to me, but I thought I was overreacting again.

You sound like a very nice person, who wants to believe in the best in people and is maybe a bit naive. Maybe you don't think you "deserve" a nice, normal guy. I don't know what, but to be honest, now I'm worried for you.

Please tell me you recognize that the bit I quoted above is total hogwash.

No one who had a severe drinking problem and got sober goes to a bar with his old drinking buddies and pretends to get drunk. Period.

The fact that it isn't immediately obvious to you that this is BS, or that you recognize it but don't want to trust your instincts, is scary.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It adds up to way, way, too much. You really don't know him all that well. Cut ties! I wouldn't commit to driving someone with a record, that you may or may not know is full disclosure, 2 hours away to a cemetery no less. Yikes!

The teeth thing. All of it. Too much.

Run OP, Run!!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I knew what I had to do before I started this post, but I did want some opinions in case I was totally off and in the wrong.

He really can't read very well or type well, both of his parents are/were alcoholics. His mother lost both of her legs to diabetes. He showed me a picture. I never said anything about his shaking hand though? Don't know where that came from.

The teeth was the clincher for me. I thought it was just gross and he was being very pushy. He got caught with drugs in his car so instead of going to jail for 20 years he lost his licsense instead for 15. He has only been clean for 9 of them.

I was away at a Disney Wedding this past weekend, that was when I realized this is not going to work. I wish this wasn't happening but yes fellow Dis'ers this is my current love life at the moment.

He was also married before, when he still on drugs. Showed me his wedding pictures as well. It was a family photo that he carries in his wallet.

This is just something else that really rubbed me the wrong way. He still goes to bars with his friends. He drinks non alcoholic beer and does shots of water. But he dances on the bar and things like that so people think he is drunk but he really isn't.

That was another red flag to me, but I thought I was overreacting again.

I have no voice at the moment and am sick. Went to work but was sent home by my boss.....I feel that I should at least call him and tell him its not working out, or should I just send an email?

Yikes! Geez, he couldn't get much worse!

I'd call, but be firm. Do NOT let him talk you into another date.

 

[lillygator]

Or am I overreacting?

2 weeks ago I went out on a date with a very nice man. He is 35 and I am 31. We met off a dating website. When we emailed or chatted online at first, he did not type well at all and kept saying when he saw me he would explain why. Then he told me that he doesn't drive, not thrilled but I had an idea of why he didn't.

I pick him up, we go to dinner, it was very nice. However as soon as we sat down he said he always wanted to go on a Disney Cruise, maybe if things work out we could do that together. I thought wow, great a little weird but nice. He didn't know how much I loved Disney so I thought it was a good sign.

Then he started to tell me about his life. He is a recovered addict (drugs and alcohol) 9 years. Good for him. That was why he did not have his liscense. He can get it back soon he told me.

He also said that because of the drugs he has trouble writing.

That was a Saturday, we saw each other again Tuesday and then Thursday that same week.

My concern is that I am going to be his driver, he has asked me to take him several places over the course of the next few months. His mother will be dead 6 years this Feb. my birthday is in Feb. as well. He already wants to meet my family ( he knows my stepfather, they used to work together ) taking all of us out for my birthday.

He then asked me to drive him about 2 hours to visit his mother's grave. This is where my issue starts. WE don't know each other well enough and I think its weird. We talk often enough and I am happy about that but I am finding out more things about him and on our last date together we just went out for a quick bite of Pizza and well he took his teeth out in the restaurant.

Then he told me that he can't read or write well because he is Autistic. He wa also married 9 years ago but had it anulled because he was too high and drunk.

I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe its me I am overthinking things and everything will be fine. Should I just see where things go or should I be concerned?

Thank you everyone, I myself don't like being rejected BUT he is not the one. I try to see the good in all people but this is something that won't work for me. I would rather be told upfront and let it sting than for a guy to never call me back. I don't like it done to me and I won't do it to him.

He also had a stroke and many other health problems due to his drug/alcohol past.

He told me that he had to get false teeth due to all of the drugs. I do beleive he was an addict, he has the medalians that you get every year after being sober. I have seen them before.

He does'nt call me all the time, he calls when he says he will. I am also quite sick and told him I have no voice and we can't talk and he has been fine with it and I really have no voice.

But, I can't always be the nice person because then I get walked all over and miss the right person that could be the one for me.

I know what I have to do, even though its going to not be good news for him.

seems as though you see it now.

What job has he had for 18 years that would see him through addiction?

 

[Poohbear123]

I dated a "recovering addict" for about 1 month...that was enough for me! Turns out, he fell off the recovery wagon, and than tried to drive me around for about an hour, and I broke it off!

 

[paintnolish]

I'm going with email! Be sure to be firm, though. I wouldn't leave even the slightest opening (like: We can still be friends!) for him to maintain contact. Good luck. I know you probably feel bad since he seems so vulnerable, but he is not your responsibilty.

 

[handinpocket]

You know, there could be several reasons a person is missing his teeth. Perhaps the OP is missing some or all, as well. Are you suggesting a person who lost his teeth should never be involved in a relationship?

It was obvious from the details given that the dude lost his teeth due to drug use. Do I suggest a person who lost his teeth should never be involved in a relationship...no. Would I date a person who lost all his teeth due to drug use...no. I probably wouldn't date someone who had lost all their teeth for a good reason. Just one of those things I am particular about.

 

[pezheadmeg]

Trust your gut. You know what's right for you. The asking me to drive him 2 hours away would be a deal breaker for me. There's just too many things that just don't add up with him.

and yes this online dating thing can suck sometimes. I'm this close to giving up on it period.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

He does maintance in the Town Hall Building where he lives, so he can walk to work.

It's very political so he knows people, which is how he keeps his job.

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read the thread and help me make this choice.

 

[michellev]

After reading this thread, I am worried for you. This guy definitely has stalker potential. Definitely email rather than call. You have only been out on 3 dates plus you met online, so this should suffice to end the "relationship". I would keep it cool, but firm. Also, keep it short.

 

[tmbcole]

Agreed. I would have to say walk away too. I believe in giving people a second chance because at some people we all need a second chance. However, it sounds as though he is still trying to clean up his act. If he goes down again, he's going to take you with him because you are a good person. Take care and good luck.

 

[pigletgirl]

YES! Go, NOW! He isnt worth it.....

 

[bumbershoot]

I probably wouldn't even contact him to tell him anything. If he calls again, decline whatever he asks of you. Wash, rinse, repeat. Even if I wanted to tell him "go away" I am a person who probably wouldn't initiate that contact. Too much potential for drama.

run away fast as you can. And do not go for a 2 hour car ride with him....just doesn't sound right at all!

I definitely agree with that! I was once on a blind date with a very young police officer who shouldn't have passed whatever psych test they gave him. Ended up *feeling* almost hostage in his car as he took me on a drive after dinner to see the place he grew up...his parents sold it a few years back, but he wanted me to see it...at night...it was in the woods...and I knew he had a gun in the trunk (see police officer mention above). Then he gave me no choice but to come up to his apartment, where he cleaned said gun and pointed it all around while goofing with his roomie and roomie's girlfriend. I finally left, saying I had to get to sleep early...alas, we lived in the same apartment complex, and not 2 minutes after I got ready for bed and got into bed...he called. I answered and he said "I thought you were going to bed!" Yeah, I was soooo happy with the girl that set us up.

anyway, that was bad enough, but he was just a stupid young man...this situation feels different.

He may trading one addict for another You. He is too needy.

I thought that same thing!

I would rather be told upfront and let it sting than for a guy to never call me back. I don't like it done to me and I won't do it to him.

He also had a stroke and many other health problems due to his drug/alcohol past.

He told me that he had to get false teeth due to all of the drugs.

Ah, so that's why you want to let him know. I see.

I was googling around and found mentions of lasting brain degeneration with meth use. Meth use also goes together with horrible teeth that generally fall out or have to be taken out, and the brain problems could also go along with strokes.

This guy doesn't raise a red flag -- he operates a red flag factory!

If you start dating a woman and her birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, you take her out to dinner and give her a token gift. You don't send away for a present a few weeks beforehand.

Yep. I met DH about a week before my birthday, and it came up in conversation. He worked night shifts at the same company, and as soon as it was 12:01am on the day of my birthday, he sent an amazon e-card with a e-giftcard in the HUGE amount of 10 bucks. It was just nice enough, without being anywhere near too much, and it was special.

Sending away for a gift...too much.

 

[C.Ann]

Honestly? I think you should take a pass on this one.. Too much baggage.. Sorry..