Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[RitaE]

Count me in with those that are confused and kind of shocked.
If unfortunately your MIL passes during a time that will conflict with your son's wedding - then you are going to have to resolve that conflict no matter WHERE your MIL's funeral services are held. Correct? Hopefully she'll be considerate enough to die during a time that fits your calendar better.

As for the cost, as others have said the place of the services is not the big cost of the wedding. There will be negotiations amongst family members over the casket and vault and headstone and other things, but holding a funeral service at a Church isn't an outlandish request.

My MIL's funeral was extremely stressful and contentious over the bill responsibility but even amongst the nastiest -- nobody stooped to the level of not honoring her religious and spiritual requests.

My goodness, what difference does it make if she wasn't a "real" Catholic until late in life or that you might be uncomfortable for a day or two over the death of your husband's Mother? She is his MOTHER. She wants a funeral mass.

Certainly that fact that this is the woman who raised your husband warrants some inconvenience beyond just grabbing a shovel and throwing her into a hole with wrapped in a ratty blanket like she was some barely tolerated stray cat that hung around your garage for a couple of months because you think you have better things to do than fuss about her funeral. :sa

 

[Libby X 3]

My Mother has told me she wants a mass at her church when she dies. None of us children practice her religion anymore, but I can't imagine not honoring her wishes and giving her the mass she wants. I would definitely honor her wishes.

 

[JaxJags08]

Count me in as one of those that are shocked that you would even consider not following through. As many have said, it is not a matter of cost. Contact the church office and speak with them regarding any concerns. I'm sure they have conducted many funerals where money was a concern or there were very few Catholics in attendance. Please honor your MIL's wishes on this, it was obviously very important to her if she left instructions over the years as you described.

 

[adisneymama]

It is as simple as finances go. Speak with the church and see what actual cost is going to be. If there is a way to fit it into the budget then do as she wishes. If not, there is nothing more you can do. Do the best you can that everyone can agree on and know you tried. Even if you can't honor everything she wants I am sure there are some things you can. G/L.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

My mother for years has been planning her big funeral extravaganza. It was to be 3 days long with 2 days for the viewing and then a drive 1/2 way across the state to their plots, which she has bought at 3 different cemeteries trying to decide which one she likes the best.

My grandmother also planned out her last years (which nursing home if needed, which church, funeral home, mass, readings & music). She wanted to take the burden of decision making off her children. In her case, she also had the means to pay for what she wanted.

She had it all written down in a notebook she gave my dad a few years before she died. My dad kept the notebook with him b/c he was her power of attorney and it was filled with other important stuff (bank & investment info, etc.). One afternoon he was driving down the highway and the back car door started rattling. He reached behind him and quickly opened and shut the door. Rattling stopped, but the notebook in the backseat flew out when he opened the door. The pages where flying all over the I-5 freeway! After a few minutes of sheer panic, he was able to pull over, collect the pages and reassemble the notebook. Rather than feel micro-managed, my dad and his siblings really appreciated all the instructions she left them.

When my husband's grandma, a practicing Catholic, died his family gave her a Catholic funeral even though her children and their families were no longer Catholic. They did exactly what several previous posters have suggested: held the viewing at the church an hour before the funeral Mass, non Catholic family did the readings & took up the gifts, church ladies provided a luncheon in the church social hall. Everyone felt good about honoring her religious beliefs.

 

[MomToOne]

It is as simple as finances go. Speak with the church and see what actual cost is going to be. If there is a way to fit it into the budget then do as she wishes. If not, there is nothing more you can do. Do the best you can that everyone can agree on and know you tried. Even if you can't honor everything she wants I am sure there are some things you can. G/L.

No Catholic church will charge you anything for a funeral mass. They can usually help you hire a cantor and/or musician (pianist, organist, etc.) if you want, but they are not required. It is customary to give the priest an honorarium for his time, but it is also not required. You can purchase lots of flowers to decorate the church, or just go with whatever the regular seasonal church decorations are. You are not required to provide a meal afterwards for anyone.

Just as with many things in life, it is what you make it. A funeral mass in and of itself does not cost. It's all the bells and whistles that you add that do.

 

[crisi]

I don't think it would be appropriate to have a funeral mass without making some sort of donation, but you are right, it isn't required. And the donation does not need to be large.

 

[crisi]

this. THIS. ^^



Let's put it in terms that the OP can understand. Disney is allowing a free "final trip" where a person is allowed to stay at any hotel they choose (you just need to get yourself there). The MIL wants to stay at the Grand Floridian and you say "but the Pop is really nice and many people stay there." Because you find the GF a little too stuffy and you've never stayed there and you really like the pool at the Pop better.

Would you STILL think it was the same thing?

Actually, thats a great example. Because this final trip isnt free...her mother in law will not have enough left to pay for funeral expenses. And the family has decided on a Pop budget even if mother in law has Grand Floridian wishes.

The issue is that mom wants to go stroll the grounds at the grand Floridian, not actually stay there. And that can be done for possibly free or at least cheap. And if the deal isnt really "I don't want to pay for the stay at the GF" but it's "none of the family wants to take the bother of taking the time for this uncomfortable trip over to the GF" the family should suck it up. MIL doesn't have the right to demand and expect her last wishes to be met if its expensive add ons where the cost needs to be borne by the survivors. But unless she's been the raving MIL from hell, they need to suck it up of the giving a little time for mass. (or in my case, having to suck it up when I have to hear On Eagles Wings at a funeral. My loved ones have all been told if they want that song they need to specifically request it...because if I'm the survivor, I won't pick it unless its on your list. And that if it's played at mine, I'm coming back to haunt whoever chose it).

 

[Swan4Me]

I'm not sure who she thinks is coming to a showing that last 2 days. She doesn't know that many people. If she has 100 people show up, I will be surprised.

I guess the point to this ramble is let her talk to a professional and maybe they can guide her to something reasonable that the family can afford.

This is exactly what happened last weekend with DH's Aunt.
Only MIl and her Brother and wife are alive-MIL cant walk far and didnt attend...the other 2 are in the nursing home=all are late 80's

So the family sat for two days with only Dh and I and 2 other cousins visiting the funeral home....The Aunts 3 DD have lives in other states since college and had no frinds in the city they grew up in.

 

[duffy]

This is exactly what happened last weekend with DH's Aunt.
Only MIl and her Brother and wife are alive-MIL cant walk far and didnt attend...the other 2 are in the nursing home=all are late 80's

So the family sat for two days with only Dh and I and 2 other cousins visiting the funeral home....The Aunts 3 DD have lives in other states since college and had no frinds in the city they grew up in.

That's not the point. Your mother-in-law wishes to have a religious, spiritual ceremony for her body and soul. Why would you deny her that?

 

[buffettgirl]

Actually, thats a great example. Because this final trip isnt free...her mother in law will not have enough left to pay for funeral expenses. And the family has decided on a Pop budget even if mother in law has Grand Floridian wishes.

The issue is that mom wants to go stroll the grounds at the grand Floridian, not actually stay there. And that can be done for possibly free or at least cheap. And if the deal isnt really "I don't want to pay for the stay at the GF" but it's "none of the family wants to take the bother of taking the time for this uncomfortable trip over to the GF" the family should suck it up. MIL doesn't have the right to demand and expect her last wishes to be met if its expensive add ons where the cost needs to be borne by the survivors. But unless she's been the raving MIL from hell, they need to suck it up of the giving a little time for mass. (or in my case, having to suck it up when I have to hear On Eagles Wings at a funeral. My loved ones have all been told if they want that song they need to specifically request it...because if I'm the survivor, I won't pick it unless its on your list. And that if it's played at mine, I'm coming back to haunt whoever chose it).

I don't get that the mom is asking for something elaborate, just the mass. In my analogy, I specifically said it's free. It's a free stay wherever the guest wants provided by Disney. Just have to get there. MIL wants GF, dil decides it's too inconvenient and wants something else and tries to tell the MIL that it's all the same. It's the DIL telling the MIL that having a service in the chapel is JUST as good as having a Mass, and why the MIL thinks that's batty. DIL is still going to be shelling out money for the funeral, but she wants to eliminate the one thing that is free.

And I agree with you on "eagles wings".

 

[buffettgirl]

This is exactly what happened last weekend with DH's Aunt.
Only MIl and her Brother and wife are alive-MIL cant walk far and didnt attend...the other 2 are in the nursing home=all are late 80's

So the family sat for two days with only Dh and I and 2 other cousins visiting the funeral home....The Aunts 3 DD have lives in other states since college and had no frinds in the city they grew up in.

Did MIL specifically say she wanted a wake? The wake isn't a religious thing and while there might be some prayers said, there is certainly no reason to have a wake for 'religious' purposes. IMO the wake ONLY for the living - so that friends and family of the deceased came come and pay last respects and offer condolences to the bereaved. If there are no people to come then there is no point to have a wake. There is nothing religious about it. That would be one thing which I would say you could easily go against her wishes on.

But the church Mass. No way.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This is exactly what happened last weekend with DH's Aunt.
Only MIl and her Brother and wife are alive-MIL cant walk far and didnt attend...the other 2 are in the nursing home=all are late 80's

So the family sat for two days with only Dh and I and 2 other cousins visiting the funeral home....The Aunts 3 DD have lives in other states since college and had no frinds in the city they grew up in.

But the original question was about having a Mass. It wasn't about multiple day visitations and a fancy funeral.

If you have a Mass and only 5 people show up, so what? Your MIL is a Catholic and it is important to her. I'm not reading she wants a Mass at a large Cathedral with a novena for the days following.

Why do you even get a vote in all this? Shouldn't this be something your husband and his sister decide. I would support my husband if he wanted to follow his mother's wishes. I would want them know they have love and support in that difficult time.

 

[crisi]

I don't get that the mom is asking for something elaborate, just the mass. In my analogy, I specifically said it's free. It's a free stay wherever the guest wants provided by Disney. Just have to get there. MIL wants GF, dil decides it's too inconvenient and wants something else and tries to tell the MIL that it's all the same. It's the DIL telling the MIL that having a service in the chapel is JUST as good as having a Mass, and why the MIL thinks that's batty. DIL is still going to be shelling out money for the funeral, but she wants to eliminate the one thing that is free.

And I agree with you on "eagles wings".

Yeah, the OPs original excuse is "it costs money" and I agree with her that if you don't leave enough to cover your funeral wishes, you can be stuck with whatever the person footing the bill decides to pay for. Always wanted a coffin covered from end to end with red roses - budget for it. Or you may get a small spray of carnations or nothing at all.

But, what the MIL is actually asking for is probably as simple as time. There may be expenses to give her exactly what she wants (i.e. if she wants the casket transported to the funeral home in a hearse, the service read over the casket - there are going to be transport and staffing fees from the funeral home that can get pricey fast) But if the important thing is the Mass, that can be done for free (or nearly so).

 

[RMulieri]

See, I disagree, I don't think funerals are for the deceased. Funerals are for the living to cope with their loss. However, that being said, I would try having a mass at church for her if it is important to the daughter. If it really was important to the woman, she would have paid for it and set aside not to burden her children.

AGREE..Since my Aunt (54 yrs old) just passed away I have come to this same realization.My aunt didn't want ANY of what was done for her funeral, but her still living husband and son did.

 

[Swan4Me]

That's not the point. Your mother-in-law wishes to have a religious, spiritual ceremony for her body and soul. Why would you deny her that?

My Aunt had a Mass in the funeral home , and she and family are very devout Catholics

 

[okeydokey]

My Aunt had a Mass in the funeral home , and she and family are very devout Catholics

Does your MIL want a mass at the Funeral Home? If so, give her one. If she wants one in a church, give her one. It will be the very last thing you ever get to do for her.

 

[csharpwv]

If your family wants a religious service in the church, it should be done regardless of what anyone else wants.

As a Catholic, the deep ritual and symbolism contained within the Mass of Christian Burial is a homecoming - returning of ones body and soul back to its creator.

As previously incorrectly said in this thread, the Mass of Christian IS NOT a sacrament. The Eucharist itself is a sacrament, but the seven sacraments are
Baptism, Eucharist, Reconciliation, Confirmation, Matrimony, Holy Orders, and Anointing of the Sick... which isn't the same as the Mass of Christian Burial.

My Mom passed away just over a year ago after a very sudden illness brought on by a very prolonged illness.... confusing, I know - but regardless, there was no moment in her dying that was as deeply spiritual and soul renewing as when the priest visited the hospital to administer the last Rites.

If no one else in a family is of a particular religious persuasion, it should not matter one bit if the rest of the family will know what is going on - what matters is that the wishes of the deceased are maintained.

Having served as a musician/organist at literally hundreds of funerals, I can tell you that the meaning and opportunity for closure contained within the Mass of Christian Burial is deeply profound.

Cremation is an acceptable form of disposition of human remains in the Catholic Church. However, the ashes are to be treated just as human remains in a casket would be - they are not to be kept in the home, or scattered on land or at sea - just as you would not dump grandma's body in the back yard, or keep grandpa's casket in the living room in front of the fireplace - ashes are to be placed in the ground in prepared grave site, or placed in a sealed/secured columbarium.

To save cost I would suggest having visitation/viewing for a few hours at the church prior to the mass of christian burial, and then the mass at the church, followed by burial rites. Some newer Catholic churches are even built with a mourning or waking chapel outside of the main worship space so visitation/viewing can be held in a smaller more intimate space instead of in a cavernous church.

There are several faiths that do have very specific burial requirements, it should be well known if you are of that faith and desire a full religious burial - AND you should prepay your expenses - regardless of how much or little you have in life, or want in death.

 

[doxdogy]

If she her wishes are for a Catholic Mass in a CHURCH, then the family should honor her wishes. I knew that my dad did not want a fancy funereal (he made that perfectly clear), but I did know that he would want it in a church and not the chapel at the funereal home. Didn't matter to me that there wasn't a lot of people in attendance. The most important was the honoring of his wishes as a devout Catholic. My brother and sister are not practicing Catholic's, but my husband and I do practice.

It just doesn't seem right to me to not honor her wishes to save money.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

(or in my case, having to suck it up when I have to hear On Eagles Wings at a funeral. My loved ones have all been told if they want that song they need to specifically request it...because if I'm the survivor, I won't pick it unless its on your list. And that if it's played at mine, I'm coming back to haunt whoever chose it).

As a fellow Catholic I really got a big kick out of this...laughed so hard I'm breathless!