Curious for opinions

[klacey1]

ETA: Just wanted to ask why they were flying to NYC, but I read previous pages!!

Glad the matter was dropped. Probably just best to move on!

 

[Carly_Roach]

Yeah, I read all that. I believe that the RIGHT, HONORABLE CORAGEOUS and MORAL thing to do when you are in the beginings of a relationship and realize it will not work for you is to be honest with the other party about your feelings. Sometimes it is easier to pretend for a while and hope things peter out on their own or that the other party eventually leaves you so you do not have to be the bad guy, but in the long run it is not fair to anyone to do so. In this case it was probably even harder for the boy to be honest about his feelings since he probably knew it would upset the overinvovled mother as well.

I do not think it is deceitful nor disrespectful to break a date with lots of advance notice when you relaize the relationship is not right. I do think it is a bit of both to jump at the chance to go to the dance and NYC with no intention of having any relationship (not physical mind you) with the boy. Sounds to me kind of like the girl was using the boy to get to go to the event.

I wasn't going to get involved in this thread at all until all this talk about how this man (and yes, at 20, he's a man now) is honorable.

What many seem to be missing here (and maybe I shouldn't be surprised) is that being honorable is keeping the commitments you make. This man made a date with a woman at the end of December to attend a formal dance at the end of January. 30 days or less away. We're not talking about a long-term commitment here - we're talking about a formal occasion happening a month or less after they'd spent a few weeks together over the holiday.

The woman (and/or the woman's family) generously agreed to foot the bill for her transportation to another state so she could attend with the man. The man wouldn't have been out any money at all except for a limo or a car from NYC to WP, perhaps a corsage or tickets to that dance.

The man made a commitment. He chose not to keep the commitment, and he chose to not keep it in a very weasle-ish way: by ignoring the situation until he was threatened with honor court. THEN he decided to "do the honorable thing".

I know its a lost value these days, but being honorable is keeping your commitments even if you no longer wish to go to the event that you've committed to. In fact, especially if you've committed to be there and then changed your mind. If you're honorable, you'll still attend and make an effort to be cordial.

The man should have kept his commitments and then not invited her again if he felt the relationship was going to go nowhere. None of this would have happened if he had upheld the honor code of a West Point Cadet, kept his commitment to attend that dance with her, and learned from the experience.

A friend's daughter was invited to the Winter Formal at West Point the end of January.

Fast forward to December, he (now a Sophomore at West Point) contacted her and asked if he could see her while he was home for Christmas.

They saw each other a lot over the holiday. She went with him to his family's Christmas out of state, and he went with her to hers.

He invited her to the Winter Formal Weekend (or whatever it's called). He told her that he would take care of her room (knew she wasn't willing to share a room with him).

Fast forward to this weekend, and suddenly he's not calling anymore. Girl finally gets him on the phone, and he says he's not ready for a long distance relationship. She told him that they weren't in a relationship to start with. Long conversation short, he's not interested in having her come after all.

 

[61292cna]

I don't think he should pay back the money unless it's just for the daughter. He didn't ask for the mom to bring the other daughter and a friend. That was the mom's idea.

I think that going after this boy at West Point is a little extreme. Would she do the same thing if this boy went to a different college or is this because he goes to WP? Yes he is at a presitigous school but in the end he is still an immature young man who has shown himmself 2x to be untrustworthy.

I would call it a very expensive life lesson and take the girls on a trip of NYC.

It isn't that West Point is a prestigous school, it is that at West Point you are supposed to be learning to be an officer who is a honorable & trustworthy leader of others. Would you want your child serving under an officer who always thought of his own & not his troops welfare first! You're right in that he should pay for the daughters share as he needs to learn there are consequences to bad behavior, but the mom should suck up the rest of the costs.

 

[justhat]

I wasn't going to get involved in this thread at all until all this talk about how this man (and yes, at 20, he's a man now) is honorable.

What many seem to be missing here (and maybe I shouldn't be surprised) is that being honorable is keeping the commitments you make. This man made a date with a woman at the end of December to attend a formal dance at the end of January. 30 days or less away. We're not talking about a long-term commitment here - we're talking about a formal occasion happening a month or less after they'd spent a few weeks together over the holiday.

The woman (and/or the woman's family) generously agreed to foot the bill for her transportation to another state so she could attend with the man. The man wouldn't have been out any money at all except for a limo or a car from NYC to WP, perhaps a corsage or tickets to that dance.

The man made a commitment. He chose not to keep the commitment, and he chose to not keep it in a very weasle-ish way: by ignoring the situation until he was threatened with honor court. THEN he decided to "do the honorable thing".

I know its a lost value these days, but being honorable is keeping your commitments even if you no longer wish to go to the event that you've committed to. In fact, especially if you've committed to be there and then changed your mind. If you're honorable, you'll still attend and make an effort to be cordial.

The man should have kept his commitments and then not invited her again if he felt the relationship was going to go nowhere. None of this would have happened if he had upheld the honor code of a West Point Cadet, kept his commitment to attend that dance with her, and learned from the experience.

While I do get all that, I can't say I know of anyone in college who broke up with a GF or had a falling out with an ex who is now a 'friend' and then still took them to a dance just cause they had already been invited. It's sort of implied that you're no longer going with them.

And really, we have no idea what went on between this girl and guy over break and after that. They could have discussed where their relationship was going and he realized that things wouldn't go in the direction he was hoping, or maybe she never initially said she only wanted to be friends but has added that part now. We have no idea so we can't just throw all the blame on the guy.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I wasn't going to get involved in this thread at all until all this talk about how this man (and yes, at 20, he's a man now) is honorable.

What many seem to be missing here (and maybe I shouldn't be surprised) is that being honorable is keeping the commitments you make. This man made a date with a woman at the end of December to attend a formal dance at the end of January. 30 days or less away. We're not talking about a long-term commitment here - we're talking about a formal occasion happening a month or less after they'd spent a few weeks together over the holiday.

The woman (and/or the woman's family) generously agreed to foot the bill for her transportation to another state so she could attend with the man. The man wouldn't have been out any money at all except for a limo or a car from NYC to WP, perhaps a corsage or tickets to that dance.

The man made a commitment. He chose not to keep the commitment, and he chose to not keep it in a very weasle-ish way: by ignoring the situation until he was threatened with honor court. THEN he decided to "do the honorable thing".

I know its a lost value these days, but being honorable is keeping your commitments even if you no longer wish to go to the event that you've committed to. In fact, especially if you've committed to be there and then changed your mind. If you're honorable, you'll still attend and make an effort to be cordial.

The man should have kept his commitments and then not invited her again if he felt the relationship was going to go nowhere. None of this would have happened if he had upheld the honor code of a West Point Cadet, kept his commitment to attend that dance with her, and learned from the experience.

Oh whatever! Seriously, if I invited a grown man for a weekend away and he couldn't come without his mommy, I'd dump him too. There's nothing dishonorable about deciding not to continue dating someone you're no longer interested in.

 

[GothTink]

Sounds like she's already paid for a NYC vacation! Go and have a blast.

 

[Missy1961]

It isn't that West Point is a prestigous school, it is that at West Point you are supposed to be learning to be an officer who is a honorable & trustworthy leader of others. Would you want your child serving under an officer who always thought of his own & not his troops welfare first! You're right in that he should pay for the daughters share as he needs to learn there are consequences to bad behavior, but the mom should suck up the rest of the costs.

Tina (lovemygoofy) knows quite a bit about the military. Her husband serves. She herself helps military families adjust to life in the military.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Carly, I respect your right to taht opinion but I simply do not agree. I think honoring one's commitments is very important. However, I do not think inviting someone to a dance is the type of commitment one cannot or should not break.
Honoring a commitment would mean showing up to volunteer when promised, being faithful to your spouse, being faithful to a girlfriend/boyfriend until after a break up, paying your bills on time and not filing bankrupcy but working out a way to repay when yo ucan if somehting happens to your income, helping someone study for a test if you said you would, doing your part of a group project for school or work, contributing in every way to the raising of a baby you help create, etc.

This young man (yes, I agree he is a man) was truthful and forthright. Why should he feel committed to staying in a relationship he is not comfortable in (for whatever reason) because someone else got overexcited and spent a bunch of money on a prospective date.

Let's turn the tables a bit. What if the girl invited the boy to join her on a vacation to Florida. He buys his ticket and books his hotel and his dad and brother decide to come along. The girl starts to feel weird about it. She thought it sounded okay at the spur of the moment when dad wanted to come and besides she did not know how to say no without hurting his feelings when caught off gaurd. Now she is worried and not happy in the relationship and thinking the boy wants more from here than she wants from him. Does SHE have to stay in a relationship she is freaked out by and go on the vacation becuase of the money the boy and his family spent?

 

[justhat]

Oh whatever! Seriously, if I invited a grown man for a weekend away and he couldn't come without his mommy, I'd dump him too. There's nothing dishonorable about deciding not to continue dating someone you're no longer interested in.

Exactly, and really, I think 'leading her on' by having her come to the dance and then calling off the relationship (whatever relationship it was) would have really been worse in terms of honor.

 

[2binak]

As a soph in college if you need your mom to chaperone a trip to NYC to go to a dance, you've got bigger problems then getting uninvited to a dance.

Agreed!!!! I couldn't imagine the embarrassment my then boyfriend (who coincidentally was a WP grad) and I would have felt if my mother wanted to accompany me when I flew across the country to visit him. I was also a sophomore in college at the time, came from a very small, rural town and had never flown before. I made it there an back in one piece and if anything, gained tons of confidence in my ability to handle myself while traveling alone, meeting new people & exploring new places.

I hope the OP's friend drops the issue altogether.

 

[declansdad]

It isn't that West Point is a prestigous school, it is that at West Point you are supposed to be learning to be an officer who is a honorable & trustworthy leader of others. Would you want your child serving under an officer who always thought of his own & not his troops welfare first! You're right in that he should pay for the daughters share as he needs to learn there are consequences to bad behavior, but the mom should suck up the rest of the costs.

I don't agree that the cadet's actions in this case is any indication to how he would act if he were in command of troops. Too very different scenarios.

 

[N.Bailey]

Maybe the mother should go after the OP for the money? She is the one after all who suggested the mother pay and go along. The boy had less to do with that than the OP herself.

I"m not quite sure how the OP feels they could go after the money though? In a court of law? It won't happen! Begging and pleading for it? Highly unlikely to have satisfying results.

Let it go for crying out loud.

 

[N.Bailey]

No calling in. They actually would have him served in NY, and he would choose whether or not to show up for court. They have plenty of text messages and emails regarding his position on all of this.

Well, thanks to this thread, they also have you on the record in recommending the mother foot the bill go with her daughter. From my prospective, that honestly makes you more culpable than the boy (though I'm not suggesting it would hold up in court either, since you certainly didn't coerce the mother into coughing up the $1000 anymore than the boy did).

I'm telling you, this will NEVER hold up in a court of law. I have no doubt you believe it will, but it simply will not.

 

[horseshowmom]

Maybe the mother should go after the OP for the money? She is the one after all who suggested the mother pay and go along. The boy had less to do with that than the OP herself.

I"m not quite sure how the OP feels they could go after the money though? In a court of law? It won't happen! Begging and pleading for it? Highly unlikely to have satisfying results.

Let it go for crying out loud.

Well, thanks to this thread, they also have you on the record in recommending the mother foot the bill go with her daughter. From my prospective, that honestly makes you more culpable than the boy (though I'm not suggesting it would hold up in court either, since you certainly didn't coerce the mother into coughing up the $1000 anymore than the boy did).

I'm telling you, this will NEVER hold up in a court of law. I have no doubt you believe it will, but it simply will not.

Weelll, as I've already said several times, after the mom cooled off, she decided to drop it. After I cooled off, I agree. I will not change my perspective of him and his character though.

The boy was well aware of the mother's decision to go and never said one word about it and acted like he had no problem with it even though she didn't buy the tickets for awhile after it was discussed (about two weeks but not sure exactly).

IMHO, he has behaved badly. The poll results have remained fairly consistent. One in 5 agree with that his behavior was lacking. Obviously, the vast majority disagreed. As I've said, to each his own.

 

[N.Bailey]

Weelll, as I've already said several times, after the mom cooled off, she decided to drop it. After I cooled off, I agree. I will not change my perspective of him and his character though.

The boy was well aware of the mother's decision to go and never said one word about it and acted like he had no problem with it even though she didn't buy the tickets for awhile after it was discussed (about two weeks but not sure exactly).

IMHO, he has behaved badly. The poll results have remained fairly consistent. One in 5 agree with that his behavior was lacking. Obviously, the vast majority disagreed. As I've said, to each his own.

It's the Dis and you'll always have varying opinions, but I'm not giving you simply an opinion. I am telling you, legally, there is no case here, period. While the mother could pay the $50 to file (and I have since seen that she's decided not to go that route), all she would be doing is ensuring that she'd be out another $50 in the end. She cannot win.

As for the boy, you're free to feel anyway about him that you'd like. I won't be losing any sleep and I doubt he will either. He could be a good kid all the way down to just short of a bum (not really that low being at WP). I won't pass that type of judgment against someone based on any thread on a message board.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

I still don't get how the guy was dishonorable.

In the initial invite, he offered to take care of the daughter's hotel room for her due to him respecting her wishes to not share a room.

Mommy decided to tag along and offered to pay for everything. This was Mommy's decision. The guy had already offered to take care of it. Once that offer was denied, then it becomes Mommy's financial responsibility, not the boyfriends'. Mommy declined the offer, so at that point, the WP student was absolved of any financial responsibilities. He offered, he was turned down.

I think the whole thing says way more about the Mother's character that she would think about ruining a young man's West Point career, a school that requires some pretty serious character references to even get into, as revenge that her little snowflake didn't get to go to a dance.

 

[HunnyPots]

Psh... a lot of garbage over nothing more than a broken date. It happens.
Mom needs to realize her daughter is an adult let her handle her own dating/relationship issues.