Contacting the "other woman"

[mickeyboat]

Don't do it.

Go here: www.survivinginfidelity.com

Lots of support there, especially for couples who are trying to reconcile.

Denae

 

[Ilike2Lurk]

But. I stand firm with...the only one messing with their morals is the MARRIED one.

Nope. I am pretty sure a skank that is sleeping with a married man is also lacking in morals

OP--I am so sorry that you had to endure what you did. But, please don't ever put down in writing what you think about this woman. She could turn it in and press charges against you for harrasment

If it makes you feel better, I think it would feel GREAT to write it, just don't send it to the awful pig.

 

[ryanshana]

Nope. I am pretty sure a skank that is sleeping with a married man is also lacking in morals

OP--I am so sorry that you had to endure what you did. But, please don't ever put down in writing what you think about this woman. She could turn it in and press charges against you for harrasment

If it makes you feel better, I think it would feel GREAT to write it, just don't send it to the awful pig.

I agree.....there is not only one person at fault. To think that is INSANE! I understand the married man being COMPLETELY to blame if and only if the married man NEVER discloses the fact that he is married! To say that the mistress is a symptom is complete DENIAL! The mistress should have had enough respect and self-esteem for herself to wait till the divorce was final or there was a legal separation. "the other woman" when they know their "bf" is a married man is helping ruining the married relationship.

To OP survivinginfidelity.com is a wonderful site. I would, like the PP said you could get charges of harassment, not address her (and like another PP give her any satisfaction cause apparently she has no morals, again if she knew your husband was married). Maybe write a letter to your house, address to your husband (maybe give him the heads up though) but the letter to her...so maybe he can understand what they put you thru. Because 9 times outta 10 your true feelings...that angry you have...is going to be more directed to her because you have no emotional attachment to her (prior to this)

 

[CJ's Mommy]

So listen, I was single for ages, I worked in a bar...I've been the other woman, briefly, a couple of times. Each time I was told that "sure I'm married but she's cold, unfeeling, our marriage is dead, I'm waiting for whatever to file for divorce", whatever. I was naive and young and I believed it. (and actually divorce did always happen, even after I was well out of the picture) I was the symptom of the problem, not THE problem.


And I get it more now. But. I stand firm with...the only one messing with their morals is the MARRIED one. If my husband had an affair, she would merely be the symptom. HE would be the problem. If I had an affair, the guy would be the symptom...I would be the problem. Not the other people.

I guess that's what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night....wow. Pathetic.

If there were no skanks to cheat with, married men would either be forced to work out their marital problems like adults or leave the marriage, causing FAR LESS PAIN AND HEARTACHE than cheating.

 

[dismom2005]

Thank you to everyone for your comments, it really makes me feel better since I was feeling pretty low and sad earlier. I am always sorry to see so many of us in similar situations. I have been on the websites mentioned as well, surviving infidelity and marriage builders and they have been helpful. Just to answer a few questions:

1) Yes, she knew he was married.
2) H told me her sister and a friend knew about the physical affair, and from what I could gather they both did not agree or support her decision to be having this affair.
3) She is 13 years younger than my husband and it bothers me a lot.
4) They are not in contact anymore and I know sending her a note would only make her reach out to him and justify starting up conversation again.

I don't wish bad things on people but sometimes I just feel that i'd feel better calling her bad names or whatever. I may need to write that note just to get it off my chest, then burn/delete it.

 

[alexandria674]

I don't really understand it, does the "other woman" know he is married? I don't see how it is her fault if she didn't know that he was married BUT if she knew that he was married and went for him anyways I would totally be tempted to call the other *blank* out along with my husband. I knew some girls who knew the man in their life was married. I decided to seperate myself from them because if they didn't see what the big deal is in breaking a vow of marriage then what else would they break?


I just read the OP's new post. Once again I am so sorry this is going on and believe me...karma bites back and sometimes harder. All you can do is try to pick up your life while the ones who hurt you will have a lot to answer for later on.

 

[rigs32]

I guess that's what you tell yourself so that you can sleep at night....wow. Pathetic.

So it doesn't matter to you that the PP said that she was young and naive at the time?

 

[disykat]

Two people are both 100% to blame in this situation. However, I agree with everyone else that the one you need to deal with is your husband.

Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she got to you. I'm sure she felt quite powerful attracting someone who was breaking vows to be with her. Don't give her any more power.

 

[disneyhand]

Have no contact with her, it isn't worth it. I firmly believe that what goes around, comes around. Fate will pay her back; some day, some how!

 

[AshleyW]

So it doesn't matter to you that the PP said that she was young and naive at the time?

The PP said she was working in a bar, so I'm assuming she was over the age of 21 - which is plenty old enough to know that you don't sleep with married men.

 

[shortbun]

Don't do it. If you feel tempted come here and let it out.

Yeah, just pretend we're her. Seriously, what advice would you give ME if I were asking YOU the same question? You say you're in marriage counseling, this could really backfire on you if you're contact with HER makes her want to talk to your husband, ya know? On soooo many levels, it's a really bad idea. Call your therapist and ask for a private session today. You just need to get off Facebook anyhow. Find something else to do with your time, volunteer at a shelter...become a dog walker....go out and pick up trash in the neighborhood.

 

[Darsa]

I stand firm with...the only one messing with their morals is the MARRIED one

Add me to the list of people who are disgusted by this idea; you do know that it takes two to tango, don't you? I don't care HOW bad someone says their marriage is, there is NOOO excuse for sleeping with someone who's married. Just the thought of it disgusts me to no end.

OP, I hope you're able to get this off your chest. I salute you for working to reconcile; I don't know that I myself would be a big enough person to do that.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Anyone who would knowingly have a affair with a married person is a horrible person with no morals.

Equally, any married person who would knowingly have an affair is a horrible person with no morals.

Do not give her the satisfaction of thinking she has upset you.

If she knowingly cheated with a married man, then she is a skank.

The person who has actually upset the OP is her own husband - what with him being fully aware of his marital status from, well, the day they wed yet still embarking on ANY kind of affair. And if the the other woman is a skank, so is the OP's husband.

see I am a bad person because not only would I contact her but I would let everyone she knows she is a tramp !

As is the OP's DH.

Nope. I am pretty sure a skank that is sleeping with a married man is also lacking in morals

Nope. See above. He's known he's married since the day of the wedding, and all the commitment that involves. Whatever judgments are assigned to the third party are equally applicable to the husband.

Add me to the list of people who are disgusted by this idea; you do know that it takes two to tango, don't you?

Absolutely. So where's the outrage, the name-calling, the insults, the character judgments, the blame, toward the husband?

 

[kaytieeldr]

Two people are both 100% to blame in this situation.

This. Completely. !

I can't believe the number of DISers insulting the 'other woman', calling her names, and assigning full blame for the affair on her.

OP - please understand I'm not trying to make you feel badly, or worse, or anything negative. I'm responding only to the posters so quick to judge/insult ONLY one person in/for the affair.

 

[Heidict]

This. Completely. !

I can't believe the number of DISers insulting the 'other woman', calling her names, and assigning full blame for the affair on her.

OP - please understand I'm not trying to make you feel badly, or worse, or anything negative. I'm responding only to the posters so quick to judge/insult ONLY one person in/for the affair.

We must be reading different threads. I have seen plenty of PP call the women out as a skank and tramp lacking in any morals or self respect, which would all be true. Yet I have not seen one that has excused or absolved the DH of any guilt.

Quite the contrary. I have seen numerous PP say that he is the one she needs to deal with due to the fact that he was the one who was married. Not one person on here has said he had no responsibility or that it was all the skanks fault.

So it doesn't matter to you that the PP said that she was young and naive at the time?

I was young and naive once also, but I had enough morals, common sense and self respect to not date or sleep with married men. Takes a certain type of person to knowingly be with a married man and I'm just grateful that I was never that type of person.

 

[Scurvy]

This. Completely. !

I can't believe the number of DISers insulting the 'other woman', calling her names, and assigning full blame for the affair on her.

OP - please understand I'm not trying to make you feel badly, or worse, or anything negative. I'm responding only to the posters so quick to judge/insult ONLY one person in/for the affair.

In several of the posts that you quoted in your last post, blame was also placed on the husband. (For example, ILike2Lurk's quote actually says "also lacking in morals" in the part you quoted.) In fact I'll have to go back and re-read, because I don't recall anyone placing full blame on her.

I think the people who would have an affair while married and those who would knowingly have an affair with a married person are equally lacking in morals. But the OP didn't start the thread about her husband; she was specifically asking about the other woman. Given that she says she's trying to repair the relationship with her husband I did not think it was appropriate for me to share my feeling about him - though if you'll notice in the post of mine that you quoted, I did say that it was the husband and not the other woman that is the OP's problem. They are both responsible. They both displayed a reprehensible lack of morals. I don't think anyone suggested otherwise about the husband, but at least one poster did suggest otherwise about the other woman which is what many of the posts you quoted were responding to.

 

[mtemm]

I don't see anyone placing full blame on the ow at all. I see people holding her responsible for her own choices, and being surprised/offended that anyone would make her choices. but I don't see anyone placing full blame at all.

the op had a question many of us do who find out their spouse had an affair. I've seen it over and over again on a website I visit where people are trying to survive/get past infidelity in their marriages. We already confront/deal with our spouses. trust me, they are the ones we are invested in, they are not let off the hook. But there is an element that feels missing at times, and that is the ow/om. we want answers...how could you? did you know our spouse was married? what did our spouse tell you?

I've btdt. I did contact the ow, who I had met several times prior to finding out about my husband's affair. from my experience, it does NOT help matters. And I definitely held my husband responsible for his choices. But I still felt that urge to call, and felt a hell of a lot of judgement for someone who would pursue a relationship with a married person. Not more than my husband, but it was definitley still there.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I don't see anyone placing full blame on the ow at all. I see people holding her responsible for her own choices, and being surprised/offended that anyone would make her choices. but I don't see anyone placing full blame at all.

I agree with this. No one is absolving the husband. If you are a single or married woman who *knowingly* sleeps or messes with a married man..surprise.... you just committed adultery.

To the OP, my thoughts go out to you. You are carrying a heavy burden.

 

[kaytieeldr]

We must be reading different threads. I have seen plenty of PP call the women out as a skank and tramp lacking in any morals or self respect, which would all be true. Yet I have not seen one that has excused or absolved the DH of any guilt.

We're not - hold on a moment, please...

I don't see anyone placing full blame on the ow at all. I see people holding her responsible for her own choices, and being surprised/offended that anyone would make her choices. but I don't see anyone placing full blame at all.

Agreed - but nobody has called the husband a horrible person, a skank, or a tramp. Yet HE'S the married party in this affair. That's my point.

I agree, almost nobody has not blamed the husband - nobody's attacked him, called him names, or insulted him.

For the record, no, I'm not the other woman - and yes, I have been cheated on (sorry for ending that sentence with a preposition). I'm sure at least in part it's time that allows me to look at the issue with much less hurt that the OP has at the moment. But I never even considered the other woman's involvement had to do with her.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I agree, almost nobody has not blamed the husband - nobody's attacked him, called him names, or insulted him.

Out of respect for the OP, who is reconciling him, I have not said anything bad about her husband. That is rude. If he left her or abandoned her, that is different but she is reconciling with him. I could say PLENTY bad words about her husband but that is disrespectful.

Secondly, everyone's situation is different. Some men sleep with any bar ***** and the wife does not attach to the OW(s) because they know that it was meaningless. But when your husband falls in love with another woman, the betrayed wife has an axe to grind. So everyone handles things differently.