Complications....

[starflower]

It's been a really long time since I last posted here. My fiance and I have a custom planned for May 14, 2007 and we went down to Disney in August to have our planning session/tasting. Since then my fiance has been offered his dream job in another state, which would involve a pretty hefty paycut if he takes it. On the one hand I really want him to be happy, but on the other hand we really can't afford to take the paycut and will have to completely change our lifestyle as well as cancel our Disney wedding if he takes it.

I kept hoping that I would have an answer sooner so I can get back to planning, one way or another, but I've been waiting in limbo for well over a month now and it's starting to get frustrating. We got our BEO back from our planner a number of weeks ago and I haven't been able to submit any changes or tell her whether we're still even having the wedding. *sigh*

I guess it's all pretty much up in the air at this point and I haven't had much desire to do anything wedding-related until I know one way or the other.

 

[sajetto]

My 2 cents (not that its worth anything because people will aways make their own decisions) is that if this is his dream let him have it. A wedding is one day, but a job is for YEARS. You could always do an intimate or a VR later. I am in your situation now. Our wedding is 2 months away, we just bought a home, and now my fiance has found THE JOB that he wants so badly he can taste it. If he gets it we have to sell our new home, relocate, and adjust to the extremely high cost of living we will be moving to. Its hard, but its what marriage is about. His happiness...or should I say OUR future happiness is the NUMBER ONE priority in my life (because we all know that if one isn't happy the other isn't).

 

[starflower]

There are more financial complications involved if he takes the job other than the wedding. When I say it's a substantial paycut, I mean it is well less than half of what he's making now. To take the job, he would have to declare bankruptcy, which would make things extremely difficult for both of us for a very long time afterward.

As much as I would like to support him, I'm not sure taking the job is the wisest and most responsible of actions. More important than the wedding and the satisfaction of the moment is the life that is built after the vows are taken, and declaring bankruptcy is not the best way to build a foundation for the future.

 

[sajetto]

That's a detail you didn't include. Its your marriage and you'll have to discuss these things with him. A lifestyle change will happen for us with our move and will prove to be difficult in the first few years, but in NO WAY is it anywhere near to declaring bankrupty. I wouldn't allow a future life partner to do that to my credit or allow him to make my decisions for me they are mutal decisions, hence the idea of marriage. Sounds like you are waiting for him to decide what he's going to do, I think in your situation I'd be letting my feelings be known so that it doesn't become a hardship in the marriage later.

 

[AnnieBelle]

I am not sure what the dream job is, but is there a way he could do something relating to it outside of it being his career? I cannot imagine declaring bankruptcy to follow any dream as being worth it. Bankruptcy stays with you for ten years and if he decides that he does not want the job and goes for something else, companies could turn him down by looking at his financial history. Not to mention car and home loans.

 

[Janet2k]

Starflower, I am not going to offer you any advice, just some virtual <<HUGS>>.

Life is full of twists and turns. Some work out, some don't. From someone who will be soon celebrating 22 years of marriage (me!), I have just about seen it all. I've learned that the human spirit can bend to the breaking point, and then snap right back again. It's very resilient.

As you work through these difficult times, please keep the faith in yourself and in your significant other. And, most importantly, please remember that if a certain course is chosen, you can always change it to a different course at some point in the future. The only thing certain about the future is its uncertainty. I know, very profound words.

I wish you nothing but the best.

 

[TinkBride]

Talking about it now, will keep you from resenting him for it later. You do not need to add resentment to a marriage. TALK TALK TALK about this. This is a HUGE bump to overcome. I worked for a bankruptcy attorney for 2 years. TRUST ME TRUST ME TRUST ME, you DO NOT want to declare unless you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. You are lucky you have the choice, most people do not. Bankruptcy will most certainly ruin your financial futures, yes it is only on your history for ten years, but you will feel it long after as well. PLEASE, if you have the choice do not declare bankruptcy.

So he may have his dream, but you guys as a couple will not be able to accomplish anything because of the big BK looming in the background. No dream is worth the hassle, complications and embarassment of bankruptcy, it is not a game. That is no way to begin a marriage. I have seen couples hire their bankruptcy attorney at the same time as a divorce attorney. Bankruptcy is a big reason for divorces after 10, 20, 30 years. So what can it do to a couple that has been married for 1 month?

Please think this through.

I will hop off my soap box now, but I have seen this and what it does to people day in and day out, and I am very scared for you!

 

[robsmom]

Just for a moment let's look at this from your fiance's perspective. He is on the verge of bankruptcy (or close enough that a job change would force it) and yet his is flying to florida to plan a very very expensive wedding. that alone has to be very stressful. I agree with all the posts that say taking his dream job is not worth declaring bankruptcy. On the same theory, however, having a dream wedding is not worth cutting your finances as close as you obviously are. If taking a new job requires bankruptcy, than he has way too much debt already and you have to question why you are having an expensive wedding. You are both adults, you need to have an honest discusssion about the state of finances and then make tough decisions. Maybe you both have to pass on your dreams for a little while, have a cheap wedding at home and then work together to get to a better place. Then you can both chase your dreams, he can get a job he loves and you can have a dream renewal. There can be something really wonderful about working with your spouse to build your dreams together.

 

[TinkBride]

Good point and well said robsmom!

Starflower, remember no one is here to make you feel guilty or bad about your situation, we are just concerened and here to help!

Being married means being a team and whatever you decide make sure it is a decision you are both comfortable with and one that you have discussed thouroughly. Good Luck!

 

[AnnieBelle]

I think the problem is that we do not know what he is going from. 10K in debt is not a lot for someone who makes 120k a year but it would really hurt someone who makes 18K. So I do not think that he necessarily has to have a lot of debt now that would make a Disney wedding impossible. I do not think with her that the wedding is the biggest thing. I think she is upset with the changes and is too depressed to keep planning even though at this stage she knows that she needs to. Of course it could be that he does have too much debt for a Disney wedding too, we just do not know. In either case I hope things work out for her.

 

[robsmom]

Starflower - i apologize if my post sounded critical. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. Please talk it out with your DF and remember the wedding is one day, the marriage is for a lifetime.

 

[AnnieBelle]

Please talk it out with your DF and remember the wedding is one day, the marriage is for a lifetime.

That is the truth, I know how easy it is to get swept up in the magic of the day and forget about what comes after. We are all hoping the best for you!

 

[starflower]

We are talking things through and right now he doesn't have enough debt that planning a Disney wedding would be difficult. The reason he would have to declare bankruptcy is that he currently owns a house and has a couple thousand dollars in credit card debt (about $4000, last I checked) and student loan payments (about $1200 left on that... I think). Right now he makes $90K a year. The new job pays $35K a year. This is where the problem lies. If he takes the new job, he will be unable to pay the morgage (at least until the house sells) and won't be able to pay off the rest of his debt because we will just get buy on being able to live. Unfortunately, the new area we'd be moving to has the exact same cost of living as the area we already live in.

I don't want to start a marriage this way, but at the same time I don't want to crush his dreams. The job he's taking is in a very competitive field that is hard to break into, and in a couple of years he can probably pick and choose where he goes and what he makes. For a while it's going to be difficult, if he takes it.

I can talk to him about it and explain my concerns (which I have) but ultimately the choice is his and I can't make it for him. I can either support him in it, or I can choose to walk away. It is a very difficult decision and one I'm unhappy I have to make.

 

[sajetto]

God Bless in whatever you do starflower


BTW, I have a sis who lives in Buckhead Atlanta, very beautiful there (her husband is the vp of trades for the FTC)

 

[Laurafoster]

Thats a tough situation to be in! Im not going to offer any advice because nothing i can say will help but just sending you some pixie dust to hope it all works out ok!!

 

[AnnieBelle]

I figured that was the situation, and it does sound very difficult for you. I think that when you are in a committed relationship you have to consider how things will affect the other person. It sounds like you are doing that for him so good for you. Maybe it is one of those cases where he might need to accept that some things are more important that dreams. If he were a single twenty year old he could get his finances straight in ten years and then look to get married. It makes it more difficult to do that with a family. It sounds like a very hard choice to have to make. We are all here to support you!

 

[TinkBride]

Getting married means becoming a team.

It is no longer "my dreams" and "his dreams".......but "our dreams".

So, if him chasing his dream is your as well, then you have to let him do it, but if him chasing his dream will cause turmoil or hardship in your relationship than him fulfilling that dream will be contradictory to your team together.

You gotta do what is in your heart!

While i love my DF with all that I have......i do not know if I could marry him knowing that he is chasing his dream while at the same time jeoparadizing our future together.

Rememeber, while yes it is his future and his happiness, every decision he makes affects your future and happiness as well.

Really think this through......trust me......I married my high school sweetheart that I trusted with all of my heart and he chased his dreams right out of our marriage while I kept letting him do it thinking I was being loving and supportive.......I know from experience how badly you are struggling with this.....be true to yourself......

 

[Sirron]

I have to say that a higher tax bracket does not make your marriage better. If it makes him happier, it will make the marriage better. Now the house selling seems to be the first priority. Once that sells, he seems to be in decent financial shape. However, it is a lifestyle change.

You only live once. If you hate your job that much, it's not worth it.

 

[robsmom]

We are talking things through and right now he doesn't have enough debt that planning a Disney wedding would be difficult. The reason he would have to declare bankruptcy is that he currently owns a house and has a couple thousand dollars in credit card debt (about $4000, last I checked) and student loan payments (about $1200 left on that... I think). Right now he makes $90K a year. The new job pays $35K a year. .

If you do not mind my asking, How much do you make? Would you be able to get a comparable job in the new place and help him with the bills. could you stay where you live and keep working until his house sells and then join him? Could he rent a room of some other very cheap housing option in the new place until his house sells. I assume he has no savings, but do you have any savings that you could give him to pay the house mortgage?. do you live with him now - if not do you pay rent and could you move into his house when he leaves to save your rent money until it sells? Do either of you have parents who could help lend money. You say he is not in bad shape currently so i assume that he has net worth and it is just tied up in his house so he could pay them back as soon as the house sells. Can he get a home equity loan and use that to pay the first mortgage for a while? Just putting some suggestions out for possible ways that you could help the situation and prevent him from bankruptcy. also - want is your dream? aside from the wedding what is for you where you currently live what is for you in the new state? you've talked about his dreams but we don't know what your career goals are. Good luck!!

 

[AnimalPrincess]

Ok, I don't want to offend but I have to say somethings. First off I totally agree with what others have said that you need to make this decision together since it affects you both. And I can understand how hard this must be for you, feeling like you don't really have control, and possible not having your dream wedding...but...after the house sells I do not really see where the problem is. To be totally honest I was shocked when you said that he would be making 35K and that would make him declare bankruptcy. DF and I both only make about 21K, I have over 20K in student loan debt, 6K in credit card debt and he has 8K in credit card debt. Granted we do not live a lavish lifestyle, and money is a large concern of ours but we are making it work. We are doing our dream jobs which is why we make so little. I guess all I am saying is, take a deep breath, the situation is not as bad as it seems, if the two of you work on this together you will find a solution. And like the saying goes, "Do what you love and the money will come" there is more to life and happiness than money