Coming Out?

[Nick_A]

I came out in college, and it was quite possibly the least stressful coming out ever.

I made a decision when I went to college that I was not going to be in the closet, so I never had to come out to anyone I met while I was in college. It was great, and the complete opposite of my high school experience. I went to an all boys, Catholic high school with a very macho culture, where I spent 4 years very firmly in the closet. I was the class valedictorian, and toyed with the idea of making a dramatic announcement during my graduation speech, but decided against it. It's a decision I remain happy with today.

College opened up all kinds of doors for me, and it was those first couple of semesters when I finally had my "awakening." I kissed a guy for the first time, dated a guy for the first time, and had my first gay sexual experiences.

One semester when I came home for break, I told my parents. My mother laughed, and said, "Sweetheart, we knew. Thank goodness you finally told us." My mother explained to me how she knew- mostly my lack of interest in dating women, but also revealed that I wasn't nearly as slick about clearing out the internet browser history as I thought I was.

Both of my parents were incredibly supportive, as was the rest of my immediate family. The coming outs continued for awhile (I got really tired of telling the story over and again, that's for sure). Almost everyone was accepting, and those that weren't, I simply eliminated them from my life. It sounds harsh, but I have no patience or desire to associate with people who think I'm some sort of sinner or deviant.

Moving to NY after graduation opened all kinds of doors, and I've loved being in a city where no one bats an eyelash.

 

[ToddB]

Hey everyone! Been away for a while, but I'm back. Anyway, thanks to everyone for their stories and I am glad to see that they are helping others out as well Still working on my coming out even though my goal dates keep coming and going. This year is going to be my year. My year to start living and be myself. I don't want to be 'in hiding' the rest of my life. I am 23 going on 24 and I want my 20's the be the best years of my life like they are supposed to be. I can't do that if I'm not true to myself, right? So soon I hope to be a new person. I'm excited about it; but scared at the same time. I'm not going to set a date, but do it when it feels right. One thing that is sort of motivating me right now is our neighbors right across the street have put rainbow flags all over their house. Might be an ice breaker, who knows I'll update again soon

 

[#1MMFan]

Todd, I waited until 31 before I felt my confusion was clearing and I had to tell family. It was fine. My regret is not having said sooner as I spent years through university and my earlier part of my career as a physician in recurrent depression. And I feel I've missed my twenties and a crucial part of my becoming au-fait with the whole thing, because of that.

 

[ToddB]

Ok. So I need some advice on something about my situation. For some 'odd' reason, I think everyone (mom, dad, sister) knows that I am gay; my mom in particular. Every time the gay topic comes up in something she really emphasizes it. Like when we are watching tv and someone who is clearly gay comes on she is like "He is gay. Gay. He is gay. I think he is gay. Don't you think he is gay?" That just goes on until the subject matter disappears. Another thing is she loves Lady Gaga, and Born this way. Today she was watching an episode of Trading Spouses, a show that she hates, because it had a woman in it who hated pretty much everything, including the gay community, but the other 'swappers' were a lesbian couple. Even though this wacked out lady hated other things, my mom kept reiterating the fact that she was gay, they were gay, that other lady hates gays, and she is crazy. So I really don't know what to take from all of that. Could it be a good thing? I don't really know. Considering she was siding with the lesbian couple on everything made me feel a bit better as to how she would take it. I really wanted to just say it when I was standing there with her, but couldn't do it. Well, any advice or opinions will help, and I will update again soon

 

[NurseAllen]

I hate to give such pivotal advice, but I think a general shared experience with all of us is one, or both of our parents (and other family members) expressing that they knew somewhere deep down already, before they were told. I don't know what bearing if any this has on your situation, but from what you say, maybe your mother does have an inkling of your sexuality, and is trying to test the waters by reaching out to you, to let you know that ''it's okay.''

 

[TyTysMommy]

Ok. So I need some advice on something about my situation. For some 'odd' reason, I think everyone (mom, dad, sister) knows that I am gay; my mom in particular. Every time the gay topic comes up in something she really emphasizes it. Like when we are watching tv and someone who is clearly gay comes on she is like "He is gay. Gay. He is gay. I think he is gay. Don't you think he is gay?" That just goes on until the subject matter disappears. Another thing is she loves Lady Gaga, and Born this way. Today she was watching an episode of Trading Spouses, a show that she hates, because it had a woman in it who hated pretty much everything, including the gay community, but the other 'swappers' were a lesbian couple. Even though this wacked out lady hated other things, my mom kept reiterating the fact that she was gay, they were gay, that other lady hates gays, and she is crazy. So I really don't know what to take from all of that. Could it be a good thing? I don't really know. Considering she was siding with the lesbian couple on everything made me feel a bit better as to how she would take it. I really wanted to just say it when I was standing there with her, but couldn't do it. Well, any advice or opinions will help, and I will update again soon

I have to wonder if perhaps your mother is throwing out hints for you, trying to give you an opening to tell her. Maybe she is trying to get you to tell her and that's her way of letting you know that she knows. I am a mom (not dealing with the same issues, since he is only 8) but when I know my son has done something he needs to tell me about I will throw out hints like that. Sometimes he is a little slow to catch on so I have to practically spell it out for him. Maybe that's what your mother is doing.

 

[DouglasE]

Considering she was siding with the lesbian couple on everything made me feel a bit better as to how she would take it. I really wanted to just say it when I was standing there with her, but couldn't do it. Well, any advice or opinions will help, and I will update again soon

I wasn't in the room with you and I have only your description of events. But I really, really believe that your mother is trying to throw out a life preserver out to you. You describe two recent events in which you and your mother are sharing a reference to gay culture. You have now had time to prepare and think about it. The next time when the both of you are sharing an experience that involves the topic of sexual orientation or sexuality or gay culture, that is the perfect time for you to segue into a discussion of YOU. I know it is frighteningly daunting, but make a deal with yourself. "The next time this stuff comes up, I'm going to tell her. Period." Make it your mantra so that by the time it happens again you take the plunge.

From the description you give of your mother it seems to me like she is practically begging you to come out to her.

Remember, it's just my opinion that I'm giving you. This is your life and you need to lead it the way that is best for you. Everyone comes out on their own time table.

 

[Jay2009]

I'm as late as you can possibly be on this thread, but I wanted to say hi to everyone here and offer my support. I see to be older than all of you (29 ) and I'm not okay with that fact, but I'll cope.

Anyways, Just wanted to say hi, I'm sorry to intrude in here but if anyone needs to talk or anything, I'm around!

 

[#1MMFan]

I'm as late as you can possibly be on this thread, but I wanted to say hi to everyone here and offer my support. I see to be older than all of you (29 ) and I'm not okay with that fact, but I'll cope.

Anyways, Just wanted to say hi, I'm sorry to intrude in here but if anyone needs to talk or anything, I'm around!

You're not older than me, Jay, (34 this January). And I managed to come out later than most people. And I still don't feel comfortable with it. Not quite sure how to solve that but am gradually getting there I think.

 

[MAF]

Not to sound too blunt, but Todd I'm pretty sure your mother knows you are gay. Why not try a letter/note if you are too afraid to say it out loud? Good luck!

 

[Captain Hookup]

You're not older than me, Jay,

or me.... and i havent come out.... and i just dont see any way i can, it just wouldnt be fair to certain perople.
I envy a great many of you guys and girls

 

[jiminy.cricket]

I concur; I believe you should bring it up if you feel the time is right. Your folks do sound supportive. The awkward part is in how you bring it up. I generally don't know how to tell people unless it comes up in conversation or I'm asked directly, but I'm sure you could find a path to the topic of guys, significant others, and then insert the topic casually. That's just my preference; I'm not a huge fan of the dramatic, and of course I wind up having to corner my parents into listening to my monologue because they're in denial. Don't be impatient with yourself. I'm kind of on the slower side and take my time when it comes to important decisions. Do not doubt that it will happen--it sounds like it may happen fairly soon. You might also want to chat up the neighbors! They could also turn out to be allies and a great support system in case you need to lean on someone other than your parents.

 

[DisFanJen]

I'm not sure how you'd watch this program in the States but I saw this last night on BBC Three and I thought that some people might find it relevant.

Coming Out Diaries

I found some of the stories quite moving...

 

[suemom2kay]

Right or wrong, I sort of yanked my cousin out of the closet (it was just she and I, no one else was there).

I asked her if she and her "roommate" were lovers or what. She of courses said yes, she was gay and they were lovers... she then asked me if I hated her. She was so ashamed and I felt so bad that she felt ashamed. That is the last thing I wanted for her. She and I are 2 days apart and spent a lot of time growing up together. Big issues in her home, so my Mom had a lot to do with her upbringing.

I told her of course that I love her and support her. I love her no matter what. She really thought that I would hate her or judge her. I am a Christian with a strong belief in God and she thought because of that that this would be an insurmountable thing. I find that the bible references a lot of things as sinful a lot of things us heteros get on about

Anyway, she then had the courage to tell the family, Mom, Dad, cousins, etc. No one felt any different except for my closed minded sister. This same sister is not going to let my brother (her brother also) and his girlfriend (that we don't know he has, she just thinks he has) come to her house because his divorce isn't final...

Back to my cuz... The rest of us were not at all surprised (seriously we all knew) so really it was more a confirmation than a coming out. No one was surprised or shocked and no one felt any differently.

I can't tell you how your family will react. But, I strongly encourage you to open up to them. It will be such a weight lifted off of you.... I can tell you that after my cuz' came out, with time, she was free to be who she is without guilt or shame.

 

[katherineh]

Hi Todd and everyone,
I agree, I think your mum saying things like that about the shows on TV indicate that she knows, and she can tell that you have something on your mind that you want to say, and she's trying to let you know that it's okay! And writing it down is an idea -- I did that to my parents, and it sounds like a chicken's way out, and in some ways maybe it is, but they are religious and I'd been married to a man for 16 yrs then met my gf six months after he and I split (for other reasons) so I felt it would be a shock to them and I just wasn't sure how they'd react. So I wrote them an email telling them that she was my gf. They wrote back saying "well you know how to surprise us, but we love you no matter what, oh it's just started raining, I guess tennis will be cancelled" -- just like it was another part of their day. And they LOVE my gf, and mum has a photo of us kids and partners that she shows people including those at her church, and she said to me once that when people notice the numbers of men/women she says 'that's my daughter's partner' in a tone like "you want to make something of it??" My partner's family too were great, and her ex-in-laws and kids. We have been so fortunate that nobody has reacted badly - or if they have, they haven't let us see.
Good luck, I hope it all goes well, lots of people here are cheering for you!!
xox
k

 

[NHdisneylover]

Ok. So I need some advice on something about my situation. For some 'odd' reason, I think everyone (mom, dad, sister) knows that I am gay; my mom in particular. Every time the gay topic comes up in something she really emphasizes it. Like when we are watching tv and someone who is clearly gay comes on she is like "He is gay. Gay. He is gay. I think he is gay. Don't you think he is gay?" That just goes on until the subject matter disappears. Another thing is she loves Lady Gaga, and Born this way. Today she was watching an episode of Trading Spouses, a show that she hates, because it had a woman in it who hated pretty much everything, including the gay community, but the other 'swappers' were a lesbian couple. Even though this wacked out lady hated other things, my mom kept reiterating the fact that she was gay, they were gay, that other lady hates gays, and she is crazy. So I really don't know what to take from all of that. Could it be a good thing? I don't really know. Considering she was siding with the lesbian couple on everything made me feel a bit better as to how she would take it. I really wanted to just say it when I was standing there with her, but couldn't do it. Well, any advice or opinions will help, and I will update again soon

Todd, I am on the late side to this--but basically want to reiterate what everyone else said.

It sounds to me like your mother strongly suspects you are gay. She is trying to hint that she is okay with that so that you will be comfortable telling her. She probably doesn't want to directly ask you because she does not want to force telling her on you if you are not ready or still confused, etc.

if you have not taken the advice here and told her yet I hope you do so soon. I bet (and hope) it will be fairly anti climatic for you and you will feel a lot less stressed afterwards.

 

[mellers]

I'm also fairly new to the board, but I can tell you what happened with my cousin--sometimes being "forced out" is much worse than coming out.

My cousin had a horrible childhood, and, when we were both children (and his evil mother consented to allow him to visit us), my cousin told me what was going on in his mother's home. If there is a hell, that woman should be first in line with a VIP pass.

My cousin's mother walked out on my uncle, taking my cousin with her, and despite my uncle spending every cent he had on legal fees, and my testimony of what my cousin had told me (I still have nightmares), it took years to get him away from his mother.

When my uncle finally got him removed from his mother's home, he was so badly damaged that he tried to injure his half-brother, and so the court mandated that he had to live outside the home. My uncle found the best possible foster home he could, and visited him frequently, as did all of the rest of us. My cousin bonded with the foster family, but they were very much born-again Christians.

He went into the military, where we all think he discovered that he was one of those who shouldn't be asked and didn't tell. Unfortunately, it seems that he came out to his foster family and they rejected him, so he thought the rest of us would feel the same way. He didn't sever ties totally, but he rarely spoke to us and would not come to family events.

Unfortunately, my cousin was taken in by a smooth operator who, in a shocking act of domestic violence, nearly killed him. My uncle found out from the hospital what had happened, about the time they told him it was unlikely my cousin would survive. I had cancer and was too sick to travel at the time, so I was devastated that he might die and I would never see him again.

He finally came to Thanksgiving, after he heard how sick I was, and he said he remembered the birthday parties I had for him, when I found out his mother wouldn't give him a party, and that he wanted to see me again, even if I didn't love him anymore.

I started crying. I never stopped loving him. I did then, and I do now.

I told him that I didn't care if he was gay. I loved him, and he was, and is, always part of my family. However, I did care that he found a partner who would be good and kind to him, who would love him and cherish him. After all the pain he has gone through, that is all I want for him.

That is why I have fought so hard for marriage equality in my state. I think if he had seen more loving, gay couples as a happy, equal part of society, he would not have been so quick to go with such a bad partner, and I think he might have believed that I would love him no matter what. He also might have trusted us to help him end an abusive relationship before it reached the point that it did.

Unfortunately, my uncle took away a different lesson--he felt it was the fact that this was a gay relationship that resulted in the harm to my cousin, so while he loves his son, and will always love his son, and has been polite to his partners, he feels that it was my cousin's injuries resulted from a gay relationship. I don't think he would have felt that way had my cousin told him earlier.

My cousin lost years with my family because he was so afraid. He also was afraid to turn to us when he desperately needed help. As his foster family shows, not everyone will be supportive, and not everybody will be kind, but there are a lot of us who will, and many people who will love you as much gay as they do straight.

I can't, and won't, tell anyone that they "should" or "shouldn't" come out, but I can say that I truly wish my cousin had.

 

[DVCDan36]

I'm also fairly new to the board, but I can tell you what happened with my cousin--sometimes being "forced out" is much worse than coming out.


That is why I have fought so hard for marriage equality in my state. I think if he had seen more loving, gay couples as a happy, equal part of society,

I can't, and won't, tell anyone that they "should" or "shouldn't" come out, but I can say that I truly wish my cousin had.

First off, Welcome to the Boards.

Secondly, thank you for sharing your's and your consin's story. I am so sorry you both had to go through what you have gone through on everything.

I think this speaks volumes that there is strength in numbers. My Partner and I, after many years, have finally stopped caring what others think and live our live open and free. We also have become foster parents and supporters to anyone that needs it. I hope we can be that "loving, gay couple as a happy, equal part of society."

 

[mellers]

First off, Welcome to the Boards.

Secondly, thank you for sharing your's and your consin's story. I am so sorry you both had to go through what you have gone through on everything.

I think this speaks volumes that there is strength in numbers. My Partner and I, after many years, have finally stopped caring what others think and live our live open and free. We also have become foster parents and supporters to anyone that needs it. I hope we can be that "loving, gay couple as a happy, equal part of society."

Thank you. Best wishes to you and your partner.

 

[Iamallin]

WOW, ok so I was feeling kind of melancholy today and for some reason ended up back on the DIS boards. A few years ago I was very active here planning many (10 over the years) trips for my family (now ex-wife) and two kids. I have only recently (I am 43) admitted to myself that I am actually gay. I am so jealous of all the well rounded folks here who realized/admitted early that they were gay and were able to make great happy lives for themselves. I know it's not too late and I really hope I am able to at some point find the actual right person I was meant to find. I don't mean to sound gloomy with my first post under my new screen name. I am by nature a very upbeat and pretty happy go lucky guy. It's really awesome to rediscover the site and lots of happy gay and lesbian couples.