Come on and make me laugh
- Thread starter monkeyboy
- Start date
Sheree Bobbins
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Sep 9, 2000
- Messages
- 6,266
> True Hockey Fan!
>
> It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his
> seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to
him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be
> sitting there.
>
> "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
> a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use
it?"
>
> The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
> supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
> first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in
> 1967."
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
> find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
> the seat?"
>
> The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral.
>
>
> It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his
> seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to
him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be
> sitting there.
>
> "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
>
> "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
> a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use
it?"
>
> The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
> supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
> first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in
> 1967."
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
> find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
> the seat?"
>
> The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral.
>
)gymnasticsmom68
<font color=navy><br><font color=red>I dare you to
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2004
- Messages
- 984
Celluloidgal
<font color=blue>Absinthe is my aqua vitae!<br><fo
- Joined
- Apr 27, 2004
- Messages
- 876
Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!"
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: "Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!"
Maleficent13
<font color=blue>Heh Heh, you're all gonna die<br>
- Joined
- Oct 28, 2003
- Messages
- 9,227
An older couple were going across the country by car. They stopped at a gas station and he got out to fill the tank. The Mrs. got out to go to the washroom, but he didn't see her leave the car. He paid for the gas and then drove off, leaving his wife at the gas station.
His wife came out of the washroom and discovered that her husband had driven off. She waited for a while as she expected him to come back, but after 1/2 hour she went to the cashier and explained the situation.
The cashier called the highway patrol and they dispatched a car after him. The patrol car caught up with him, sounded the siren and the man pulled off the road.
The officer went to the man's car and told him that he had driven off without his wife and that she was still back at the gas station.
"Thank goodness", replied the man, "I thought that I had gone deaf."
His wife came out of the washroom and discovered that her husband had driven off. She waited for a while as she expected him to come back, but after 1/2 hour she went to the cashier and explained the situation.
The cashier called the highway patrol and they dispatched a car after him. The patrol car caught up with him, sounded the siren and the man pulled off the road.
The officer went to the man's car and told him that he had driven off without his wife and that she was still back at the gas station.
"Thank goodness", replied the man, "I thought that I had gone deaf."
anotherboardnposter
Say Hello To My Little Friend...Wait, that's a din
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2003
- Messages
- 195
A variant on that gag:
A frog walked into a bank, and went to a teller named Patty Jack. Asking for some money to start up a business, Patty responded by warily giving him a legal document to sign. The frog signed it "Kermit Jagger". Patty asked for some collateral, so the frog handed over a strange-looking tool. Patty was puzzled, so she called over her boss. The boss said to her, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Jack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".
A tongue twister with a Disney connection:
We are all familiar with Mahatma Ghandi and what a great spiritual leader he was., but what many people don't know about him is that he liked spicy food, which gave him bad breath. To get the food, he had to walk to restaurants. Since he never wore shoes, his feet grew really bumpy and ugly-looking. That ended up making the rest of his body weak. Altogether, this made him a "Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Plagued With Halitosis".
Sincerely,
John "anotherboardnposter" Kilduff
onecoolmama
<font color=green>Has been known to brainwash her
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,769
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance-particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
=========================
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "<http://> I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These areunsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance-particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
=========================
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "<http://> I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These areunsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
onecoolmama
<font color=green>Has been known to brainwash her
- Joined
- Jun 22, 2003
- Messages
- 9,769
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back downexcept to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some
husbands. The first floor door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So they continued their ascent to the second floor.
The second floor door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs,love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmmm..." said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
So up theywent.
The third floor sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremelygood looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting!" But another floor awaited them, so further up they went.
The fourth floor door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs,love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have astrong romantic streak."
"Oh Mercy ME!" the women cried, "Just THINK what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth and final floor they went.
The fifth floor door had a sign that read, "This floor is empty and
existsonly to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit to your left."
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back downexcept to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some
husbands. The first floor door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So they continued their ascent to the second floor.
The second floor door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs,love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmmm..." said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
So up theywent.
The third floor sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are
extremelygood looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting!" But another floor awaited them, so further up they went.
The fourth floor door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs,love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have astrong romantic streak."
"Oh Mercy ME!" the women cried, "Just THINK what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth and final floor they went.
The fifth floor door had a sign that read, "This floor is empty and
existsonly to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit to your left."
Annette_VA
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2004
- Messages
- 7,441
The following are different answers given by school-age children to
the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a
goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't
even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES
to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a
goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't
even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
edcrbnsoul
DIS Veteran
- Joined
- Aug 17, 2003
- Messages
- 7,554
I almost missed this in Shrek2 but remember it as you watch the movie:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy why the long face"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy why the long face"
geffric
<font color=teal>DH thinks I'm funny -- but I tell
- Joined
- May 28, 2001
- Messages
- 10,335
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET THE 21ST CENTURY
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know --accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.
ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know --accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.
piglet too
I will take a Mudslide please
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2004
- Messages
- 10,078
My DH hates that joke, his name is Dewain.
My son likes this one....
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Phillip
Phillip who?
Fill up (Phillip) your plate and dig in.
-
'Akashic Memory' New to Morimoto Asia's Cocktail List at Disney Springs
-
Disneyland Chili Recipe To Bring a Taste of the Park Home
-
Don't Miss Summer House on the Lake's 'Martini Hour' at Disney Springs
-
Should EPCOT Add More Diversity to World Showcase?
-
New Disney x LEGO Princess Castle & Royal Pets Set!
-
New Neon Merch Collection Celebrates Universal Studios Florida's 35th Year
-
Phineas & Ferb Meet and Greet Returns to Disney World & Disneyland
Save Up to 30% on Rooms at Walt Disney World!
Save up to 30% on rooms at select Disney Resorts Collection hotels when you stay 5 consecutive nights or longer in late summer and early fall. Plus, enjoy other savings for shorter stays.This offer is valid for stays most nights from August 1 to October 11, 2025.
CLICK HERE
