College Parents - What am I going to do?

[eeyore45]

have learned, energy is better spent solving problems then worrying about why you have been presented with the problem. [/quote}

very profound! Thank you Orange for sharing your journey! I still say follow your heart, but let your child know your love and support... you're so right, you cant do it for them, you cant live your life thru them...

 

[Bethipooh4]

Hi Tammi,
Boy now I wish we had met on our cruise. It's a very small world. Please sign me up for the support group you are forming. We have been through your situation twice now with our Ds(21) and not quite so bad with our DD(19).
DS had a 1.1 GPA after his first semester and boy did we rant and rave and scream. And threaten. And cry. He did a full circle his second semester, but still his first GPA brought it down, and he went on academic warning. And yes lost his scholarships. However we found out we can put in for a appeal for financial aid and we granted it. Apparently you can only do this once. He went to summer session, and majorly improved. Spent his sophmore year doing decent, he suppers from ADD and sleep apenia, but that is no excuse not to pass. However that being said, the 1st semester of his jr year was OK, all B's and a C. Now , last semester he pulled a 1.9.We won't even go there..lol Thankfully his first semester was good enough he is only on academic probation and gets to keep his financial aid. Thankfully he never hid his grades, he was always honest, especially this last time. So he will be a 5 or 51/2 yr graduate

Now for DD. Where to start?? She is the classic go getter, honor student, national honor society, plays sports, works, you see where I am going. Gets accepted into a private college here in NC, some scholarships, but not much, cost 28,000. Now we are military and don't make alot. Goes to school and after 22 wonderful days(not) she was home almost every night and it was a hour each way. Begs us not to send her back there. What can you do? So she enrolls in the local community college, is working part time and is back to her old self. We always thought she would be the one to flourish in college.

So, I feel your pain. Now is wish more then ever we had a chance to meet. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and good luck tomorrow. And our college here has the same policy, the parents may be paying but we are the last ones to find anything out.

 

[TammiMcMan]

Okay, here's a little bit of an update. Ditched the spotlight idea, but we did have Dunkin Donuts coffee while we talked this morning. This will come as no surprise to a lot of you, DD does not want to live away from home anymore. Seems that her freshman year started out great. She played on the varsity soccer team, got involved with drama, joined a few clubs and managed a 2.8 gpa. Then things started to go downhill with the second semester. Most of the friends she made were from the soccer team and as they were no longer playing, she saw them less often. She didn't really make any other close friends. It was also time for her to look more closely at her major. She had gone to the school originally for forensic science, but started leaning towards biology. Unfortunately, this college doesn't offer a marine concentration, which is what she really wants. I guess the combination of carrying all this stuff on her shoulders, not discussing it with us and not asking for help from the many advisors at school, just overwhelmed her. Her gpa for the 2nd semester dropped to 1.94, just below the acceptable level of 2.0. She does insist that at no point did anyone tell her she was in jeopardy of losing her scholarships and that she had just found out about that and the academic probation at the end of June. One could argue that she should have been aware of her gpa and the scholarship requirements and my only defense of that is she's just 18, only a freshman and definitely not wise in the ways of the world.

It just about broke my heart when the first thing out of her mouth was that she was so ashamed of herself. All in all, I'm happy with the conversation that we had. DH kept reminding her that this was a difficult life lesson, but our only disappointment would be if she doesn't learn something from it. She said that she definitely wants to go back to college and is willing to take winter and summer classes to get herself back on track. We laid out some requirements for her and the first will be to contact her school on Monday. We insisted that she can't simply walk away, that there needs to be some closure. The phone call after that one will be to her first choice local college to set up an interview for transfer. She has actually already done some research on this school and found they have the exact major she is looking for. Because of the late date, she may not get in as a full time student, but she may be able to supplement some courses at the community college also. Her biggest obstacle will be walking into the registrar's office and saying that she needs help. If she can do that and stop trying to fix everything on her own, then we'll have accomplished something.

 

[Laura]

Just wanted to wish you and your DD luck during this difficult time.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm glad that your talk went well and that you are feeling better. Your DD is lucky to have such loving and understanding parents. Situations like this are exactly why I tell parents of newborns enduring sleepless nights to "enjoy the easy part."

 

[drclaws]

Originally posted by kylara
I would talk with your daughter to see what went wrong before calling the school. Chances are, if there is not a waiver to talk to you about her academic record they won't...Federal Law prohibits it (Buckley admendment, also known as FERPA).

Yes, FERPA (Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act) enacted in 1974 would most likely prohibit anyone from the school from discussing anything with you without your daughter's written permission. Can you tell I'm a Registrar and my university's FERPA Officer? There ARE exceptions, but as a rule colleges err on the side of confidentiality when there's no written authorization.

I am surprised that they told you they would call if there was a problem. The only thing I can think of it that they meant a disciplinary problem. Some colleges and universities (mostly private) have a policy of parental notification in those cases. They don't tell what the infraction is, but that there was one and that the parent might want to contact the student (yup, barely skirting the law).

Very much walking a thin line legally on diciplinary disclosure. Medical or Health and Welfare notification? Absolutely! Anything else getrs dicey I know the immediate thougth is "well, I pay the bills, so they HAVE to talk to me!" Legally, we cannot. All bills and grades are always in the student's name. As much as we would LIKE to make notification, we cannot. When I used to give the orientation talk to parents, this was a major part of the talk. I did mention the timing of when grades were mailed and expected to arrive. This didn't prevent students from changing their mailing address shortly before grade mailing and back shortly before tuitoin bills were mailed. I could write a book....

As for mid term notices for grades, not all colleges do them. Many colleges feel that the student knows where they stand so they should know if they are feeling. Even colleges with a policy of doing mid term notifications are at the mercy of the professors to enter those mid term grades (and working at a college, hell some to even enter the final ones!!!).

I detect another administrator! We do not mail out grades, period. All grade information is now available, confidentially, to individual students on-line. If your college does that, perhaps you'd like to sit with your son/daughter at the PC at the end of each semester!

I am guessing that your daughter is embarrassed about her failing grades since she argued that she was mature enough to handle going away to college......

Excellent advice all through your post, kylara.

 

[TammiMcMan]

All lessons that we've learned the hard way. Luckily there hasn't been too much damage, just a few tears shed. The waiver will be signed for next year and we'll gingerly walk that thin line between teen years and adulthood.

She has already printed out the request for the transcript transfer and she has the person's name to contact on Monday morning. DH and I are going to follow up with her admissions officer however. When she was recruiting DD, we talked at length to her about the cost of the school. There was no way that we could afford to send her without the help of scholarships. It was her assurance that we would know if they were in jeopardy that helped make our decision to let her go away. I guess we just need some clarification on her part.

I really wish there was an easier way to make the transition. I feel like we've experimented with our oldest DD because this was our first time experiencing college and we made some wrong decisions. I remember being so overwhelmed in her senior year. We were on information overload most of the time. When she left in the fall, I felt so good about the group of people that I was entrusting with my daughter. I cried, I missed her, but I honestly felt like I was doing the right thing. It's been an emotional roller coaster for nearly 18 months and I just want to get off for a little while and rest. DH asked me earlier if I thought we were doing the right thing. I told him that I honestly didn't know. We can only hope so and if she's making steady progress by Christmas, then we'll know that we did okay.

 

[Kallison]

That is a shame - but with a gpa that low the scholarships really should go to a more deserving student. Yes that first year is hard, I remember not having a great first semester and then getting my act together. My SIL flunked out her freshman year and her "punishment" was to get an apartment at the Jersey Shore and party away. She never went back, I hope your dd doesn't make that mistake.

 

[sk!mom]

Originally posted by TammiMcMan
I feel like we've experimented with our oldest DD because this was our first time experiencing college and we made some wrong decisions. I honestly felt like I was doing the right thing. DH asked me earlier if I thought we were doing the right thing. I told him that I honestly didn't know. We can only hope so and if she's making steady progress by Christmas, then we'll know that we did okay. [/B]

You DD's poor performance doesn't mean that you made wrong decisions. She made poor choices and now she can choose to correct them. I have struggled to come to grips with those truths this past couple of months in my DS's situation. My DH has a much easier time with it. He reminds me all the time that we love DS, we are here to help him, but we can't want this for him. He has to decide his future and then put the effort into achieving it. In my head, I know that he is right but after putting my whole self into raising these kids it's hard not to ask "where did we go wrong" when they mess up. I just want him to have a healthy, happy future and I hurt for his poor decisions, but remind myself that they are HIS decisions.

Best of luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

It probably won't hurt your DD to feel a little "ashamed" of herself. Quite frankly, she should be. And remembering that "ashamed" feeling may make her less willing to want to feel it again, which may be part of what gets her on track.

She made some bad decisions. She chose not to tell you of her failing grades and difficulties.

She now has to make some good decisions, and some mature ones. She has to deal with the consequences of her previous bad decisions, and well she should.

I would make sure she knows that if you are putting any money toward this education, that you will have access to her grades at any time. I would make she sure knows that if you are putting any money towards this education, that she will give the college permission to provide you with whatever information you choose to have regarding her college experience. That business of "they're 18 and an adult" wouldn't fly if they were living in my house, eating my food, with me paying all their bills. An age does not make you an adult. Behavior does. Someone who remains dependent on me for the majority of their lifestyle is not an adult.


She can get herself back on track, and you should certainly support her in this effort. But don't baby her, don't blame the school or anyone else for her failure other than her, and don't coddle her. This is a pivotal event in her life. Make sure she accepts responsibility for it, and turns it around.

 

[TammiMcMan]

You're right. The fact that she felt ashamed is a good sign. She realizes that she made a mistake and I'm finding out that she has been trying to fix things on her own. Who knows, if I didn't find out about this, maybe she would have been able to get her scholarships reinstated by taking the 4 credits that she needed. It appears as though she failed or got an incomplete for her american history class and that's what did her in. She was in the process of getting an okay from the school to take the class over the summer. If that had happened, my thread might have been more along the lines of "wow, college student really comes through". I said it before though and I'll say it again, everything happens for a reason. Some changes are in the works and she will be held more accountable, which I think will be much easier if she is at home. How her father and I have handled this situation is right for us and something that I can live with.

As to her scholarships, yes they should go to someone more deserving, but no one lost out on them because of her. The scholarship she was awarded was based on academic criteria. I believe the schools policy was to award based on a minimum SAT score of 1110 and a high school gpa of 2.5. She scored 1300 on SAT and was 2.75 gpa. So anyone who fell into that range would qualify for the money automatically.

I thank everyone for their opinion and sharing your first hand experiences with me.

Tammi

 

[Pembo]

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in...I went to the local community college and lived at home. Before college I worked full-time for 2 years at a decent, low paying job. It made me realize what college means. I went back to school full time and worked 3 part time jobs. I didn't pay for school. Scholarships covered the first 2 years, loans the second 2.

Working and going to school was very beneficial to me. And no, work didn't interfere with my school work. It enhanced it.

Good luck to you all.