College Parents - What am I going to do?

[TammiMcMan]

Jasmine, thanks for your insight. I really do need that reminder, because I could easily step in and try to "fix" everything for her. She won't learn very much that way though. At her age, I had already been working for 4 years, was holding down a full time accounting job and planning my wedding. (Oldest child of 6, always the "mature one".) She isn't me though and I'm going to try very hard to just listen and hear what she wants to do.

I'm happy to hear that it all worked out for you in the end.

 

[minniecarousel]

Tammi, my dear, BEEN THERE - DONE THAT!! (please excuse the shouting). Our DSs are on the 5 year plan - the older son started at an out-of-state college - lasted one quarter - came home and did a semester at a near-by state college. The next year was at community college - he transferred to an excellent State University about 3 hours away - graduated after 3 years there. However, his grades were so lousy, he will have difficulty getting accepted to graduate school, which he is currently looking into.

Younger DS started out at a University of California campus - he hated it, came home and thought he was transferring to that State University 3 hours away - until the new school got his grades from the University - since he already had housing secured, we allowed him to do CC near the State Uni. He didn't get the minumum 3.0 from the year at the CC to transfer. We weren't going to pay for another year at an "away" CC, so that summer, he came home & worked, went to 2 night classes and did one on-line class. That summer, he raised his GPA enough to transfer to the State Uni. Now this son is maintaining a high GPA, has an internship at the County Jail, is an officer with the Law Club on campus and works a part-time job. He has one more year at the State Uni and will be applying to Law Schools within 6 months.

Point being - they can turn things around! We didn't have to be concerned about losing scholarships (neither one had any!) It seems to me that your DD needs to go to the local CC, and spend the year deciding where she wants to get her degree from. She'll need to take her classes at CC seriously. You can insist on seeing her grades in order to give her any $$. Living at home, going to a local school, she can also get a parttime job. She may have been too immature to go away to college - but, who knew?! This is the age-old question - wish I knew the answer for each individual kid!

Hang in there!

(sorry - long post!)

 

[ScarlettO]

Because a majority of Louisiana's College kids have a free tuition program, grades are very important in our home also. But Freshman year m y kids DID get a mid-semester (Fall and Spring)grades to give them a wake-up call.

 

[TammiMcMan]

Minnie, you bring up a point that I hadn't even thought of. If her gpa is that bad, will she even be able to transfer? I have no idea how that works. I checked out the website for our local college and I think it says that she can transfer any class that she got at least a C- in. I'd hate to think that her whole first year has been a complete waste. Yikes.... I have a lot of questions that I really need answers to. Monday morning is not going to come soon enough for me.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

The community colleges here have "open admissions." Basically, if you have graduated from high school, you can attend classes.

If you want to put your mind at rest, rack your brain for the name of the community colleges in your area and look them up online. I am sure you can find out a lot that way.

I know that you are hurting. I have kids, too. They are too young to make mistakes like this, but I feel certain we have some doozies coming down the pipe. This is fixable. It seems like a catastrophe right now, but SHE (not you) can fix this.

Here's a bedtime story:

Once there was a girl (her name may have been BTP, I am not sure ) who went to college right from high school. She didn't study because high school was so easy and she didn't understand that it was necessary now that she was playing with the big boys.

Her grades dropped and she consequently dropped out.

She worked for many years in retail (blech!) and then got tired of being in a dead end nights/weekends/holidays job.

She got off her lazy boo-tay and went back to college. She had to work extra hard to raise her grades so that she could get admitted into the program in her major.

You know what? It took many long nights and a LOT of hard work but she did it AND graduated with honors.

Looking back, she knows that graduating at age 22 or 23 would have been very detrimental to her career. LIFE EXPERIENCE put her on a better track.

Sometimes, kids gotta step in dog poop. The worst thing that you can do for her is clean it off her shoe. Hand her that scrubby toothbrush and let her get her own hands smelly.

PS: My apologies to people who hate it when BTP talks about herself in the third person.

 

[krissy3483]

Just wanted to share my experience as well, as I only recently did something similar. Started off at a rather large state university 3 hours from my house. It was the first time I'd really been on my own. I hated every second of it, and ended up withdrawing from one class (the one in my major!) and another class (which I actually failed the final for) was dropped for everyone because of some problem with the teachers and the final. So after that semester I had two classes that I passed (and a whole lot of bills already). My mom knew that I was miserable, and suggested I move back home and commute to a local college. I did, and everything has definitely turned around. My grades are much much better and I love my teachers. My point here is that not every college is right for everyone. Yes, your daughter messed up (especially by not coming to you sooner). Every college I know sends mid-semester grades to the students (although most dont seem to mail them home) so your daughter should have had a pretty good idea about the situation she was in. Everyone falls down though, and if she is like I was, she could really use your help in helping her get back up on her feet.
If she decides to transfer, all of her credits may not transfer with her, but they can easily be made up with summer or winter classes. These are usually much more affordable than classes during regular semesters, and they can help her get back on track.
Another suggestion I have is maybe for her to find a part time job that offers tuition reimbursement that she could pass on to you. I work part time at a home depot, and as long as I pass everything, I receive $1667 a semester - not bad for a few hours luck.
Good luck with your daughter, you'll be in my thoughts.

 

[rcyannacci]

You've got a tough conversation coming you way. Wishing you clarity, patience, and luck.

I have a lot of college freshman in my classes, and unfortunately when things aren't going well many of them are apt to ignore the situation. When they finally do come to me, I always try to find a way to make the situation better or at least help them turn it into a learning situation. Sometimes, yes, they are out partying and having a good time. But it's often other things too- they can't get excited about the classes they are taking, they are intimidated by the professors or other outspoken people in class, they aren't sure how to manage thier time, or (even through they did well in highschool) they never developed good study skills. I know I personally wasted a lot of time in college because I didn't know how to read textbooks effectively.

I think once your daughter takes the time to reflect on everything, she's going to have an excellent opportunity to to grow and rediscover. And you'll be able to help her through this process. When she does go back to school, make sure she knows that there are people who will want to help her when she's having difficulty in classes- professors, school counselors, administrators... Asking for help can be tough, but it is always a good step.

Good Luck

 

[Keli]

Oh my, I feel your pain! My dd Ashli didn't do as well in college her first semester as we had hoped. She did way to much socializing and not nearly enough studying. Although her grades weren't bad they aren't high enough to get her into the grad school she wants to attend. It was really frustrating to her dad and I but in the end Ashli has to learn her own lessons. We did make some restrictions on her freedom during the second semester but not too much. Hopefully she's matured over the summer of working in the real world and she'll do better this fall. Hoping, hoping, hoping...lol.

 

[TammiMcMan]

BTP, thanks for the bedtime story. Sometimes they are more easily told in the 3rd person.

DD is a great kid and if I had to guess as to what went wrong, I'd probably go with her study habits and time management. We live in a small town and she attended a small all-girl private school which had 40 girls in her class. That was another reason we chose this college is that it's a very small women's college (so I'm pretty sure that boy's weren't a distraction) and they seemed to offer so much help in the freshman year. I know she had to take a college life course, she also had a faculty advisor and an academic advisor that she told me she met with quite often. I can't say yet if they were trying to help her and she just continuously dropped the ball in the 2nd semester or if she was just on the borderline and her final exams caused her to fall into the abyss. Hopefully, we'll get all the answers on Monday.

 

[eeyore45]

Joining the support group...

My ds did well in High School, with grades that is... he is hard of hearing and was subjected to horrible instances of abuse (bullying, teasing etc) He started the act with a 17 took it 3 times and got a 24! (we had his IQ tested thru special ed, it was in the 'genius' range...)

We checked out schools, he wants to be a teacher. He is an Eagle Scout and since he was 13 he has been going up to camp as a counselor for the entire summer, he was esp good at counseling kids who would get homesick (so I was told by other counselors and a mom or two!) He chose a school 3 hours away... I was hesitant, the school 5 hours away was so much better equipped for his hearing loss... but when he visited Illinois State, he felt like he was "home" He has a winning personality too (according to teachers from High School, and 2 people we talked to at ISU) He made the Lacrosse Team, even securing a spot for 2nd string face offs, it was a place that accepted him, it was a HUGE DEAL.

after 1st semester he was put on acedemic probation. I cried. I couldnt help it, I cant make your goals, your dreams, I cant accomplish them for you. I think it shocked him, and he vowed to do better... but... going back,sent him in a huge depression. I tried talking to the school (cant do it - he[s 18) I tried talking to the disability office and was told he refused services, the only service they had is "note takers" that ds is responsible for securing HIMSELF! and how the heck is a note taker going to help edit an English paper???

I was so afraid when he went in the depression. I know he was so fearful, so very scared, he was unable to move himself forward! ...

Well we do have a local community college (that has a great program and is applying for 4yr status) it took us 3 days to get thru everything (and I think having me there to talk thru some things, knowing how very much I believe in him, I really could see some changes...) However, he is saying he's given up ever being a teacher, and doesnt know what to do, maybe auto mechanics. Now this would be fine IF it was his passion, its not. So it was a long 3 days back and forth to the school... the best part, the one day when we had the appointment with the disabilty office, we turned the corner, and there were 5 deaf friends - he's known since he was 4 years old!! Boy did they boost his ego (saying he was smarter than they were, and he'd do great here, it was a true blessing!)

Of course he had to leave for camp before filling out all his paperwork to register for the fall. We didnt transfer any credits, but because of his high school grades, he didnt have to take any math tests at all (he's taking a physics and an english class, maybe a computer class too!) so that part worked out great... we had his high school counselor give a copy of his high school transcript with his ACT scores (yeah HS - - I couldnt find them,) while we were at high school, 2 teachers and the counselor told him to ask them for help, they were there for ds! Again, its hard to portray how low his self esteem had dipped. I'm sure at college there was partying involved, but I didnt dwell on his failure, like your dd, he was beating himself up, he was so afraid, so depressed, I needed to help him move forward. I needed to tell him he was worth tomorrow! The new school promises small classroom (30 max, but so did ISU!) and 2 tutor sessions a week, and THEY secure the notetakers!

I should also tell you my dh's sis also did the hiding the paperwork thing...problem was it was right before her senior year! She decided she didnt want to go back, didnt want to be a teacher (I knew she wasnt cut out, but I was so the in law!) it took her a year of moping before her mom could get her to find a part time job (dry cleaners, dental helper comes to mind) and finally she decided she loved the tv programs on surgery, and is now a very happy RN...

so dont let anyone judge you on how best to deal with dd, as long as you love her, and talk with her, let her see your pain too - we're all human, and love goes a long way to heal a broken heart, and I'm sure her heart is breaking too!

 

[TammiMcMan]

eeyore, welcome to the support group and thanks for sharing. It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do. Basically for us, if her scholarships are gone for next year, she will have to stay home and go local. If she truly wants to go back to this college, she'll have to work hard to get her grades back up and continue some sort of relationship with them. Not to mention gaining some trust back from mom and dad. If it wasn't a good fit for her, well then, it was an expensive lesson, but hopefully one that we will all learn from. One nice thing is that everyone seems to have a rainbow at the end of their story. It may have been very difficult to get through, but it seemed to work out all right in the end. I'm going to hang onto that as I climb into bed tonight.

 

[kylara]

Tammi,

I would talk with your daughter to see what went wrong before calling the school. Chances are, if there is not a waiver to talk to you about her academic record they won't...Federal Law prohibits it (Buckley admendment, also known as FERPA).

I am surprised that they told you they would call if there was a problem. The only thing I can think of it that they meant a disciplinary problem. Some colleges and universities (mostly private) have a policy of parental notification in those cases. They don't tell what the infraction is, but that there was one and that the parent might want to contact the student (yup, barely skirting the law).

As for mid term notices for grades, not all colleges do them. Many colleges feel that the student knows where they stand so they should know if they are feeling. Even colleges with a policy of doing mid term notifications are at the mercy of the professors to enter those mid term grades (and working at a college, hell some to even enter the final ones!!!).

I am guessing that your daughter is embarrassed about her failing grades since she argued that she was mature enough to handle going away to college. She probably doesn't want you to be disappointed with her and wasn't thinking clearly...not realizing that you are probably more disappointed with her hiding the fact.

I would talk to her opening and try to work on a solution together. Let her know you know about the grades and ask what she felt contributed the most to the low GPA. Many students I see with low GPAs are not out partying, they just don't know how to study, how to deal with test anxiety, how to focus and take notes in class etc. Also many are underprepared for college level work. They don't take the adage of "for every hour you are in class, you should budget two ours our of class for homework and studying."

If you choose to go the community college route, any class that she took and passed should transfer in. However, that doesn't mean it will count towards her degree. Often times they will not count classes with a "d" grade even if they transfer it in and put it on the transcript, since often D grade classes need to be repeated. You can check with the local community or state college about their policy. Many have their catalogs online now and the policies are outlined in the catalogs.

Good luck talking with your daughter. And remember, stay calm and talk to her..yelling will only make her tune you out. Work together for a solution but listen to what she wants to do. And when it comes time to register for the fall, give her support but let her do it...the more she does for herself, the more empowered she is.

 

[Trinity721]

I haven't gone through all the replies so I don't know what everyone has said. And I'm not sure how your DD's school works, but where I went to college (and where my brother goes now) they send a letter home if the student is on academic probation, which means under 2.5, or 2.0. i don't remember now. But they don't take away any of your financial aid or awards unless you go another consecutive semester with a bad GPA. My brother was put on academic probation after the first semester, and knew there was going to be a letter sent home so he hid it and my parents never knew about it. I think they knew his grades were not good, but not that he was actually on probation. I don't think there are many, if any, colleges or universities that call the parents to tell them that their child is on academic probation. A big part of college is up to the student to take responsibility forand the student should know all the consequences that go with grades that are not up to par.

I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for her to say the least, and she will have to find a way to deal with the consequences of her actions. I hope things work out, I can only imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking this is for you. It's just so easy to slack off your first year in college and forget what you're there for. Not only that, but it's a huge adjustment from being closely monitored in high school and then jumping into college where you are pretty much free to do what you want. And that includes choosing to attend class or not, not do homework, stay out late... the list goes on! My brother learned his lesson and his grades have been satisfactory since he was put on academic probation. I could very well have ended up the same way, except I got very good at saying "no" to staying out late and putting off my studies. But thank God that's all done with now!

In fact, I just got my college diploma in the mail yesterday!!!! don't fret too much Tammi, there is hope yet!

 

[eeyore45]

{{hugs}} tammi, I know what you mean, its so hard to swallow, knowing we basically paid (owe) $10,000 for a Lacrosse season! Just believe in yourself, your dd, talk openly and lovingly... together we can do anything, its the fear, and the lonliness that grips you, dont let it stop you!!

 

[disneyfuntime]

Our DS will be starting his 3rd year this fall at UC Davis when he started college he was 18 and turned 19 that fall. When it was time for him to start school after pre school my dh and I decided to keep him back and not push him to graduate at 17. It was the best thing we did. We are paying for college and told him we see the grades or we stop paying simple as that. He has to keep at least a 3.0 and he takes very hard classes he wants to be a doctor, we'll see but regardless he knows he is accountable. Yes the law states they are adults but they really still need to know they are accountable to themselves and to us as parents. It's tough you are their parent regardless and keep that in mind Community College might be the best bet. Don't be embarrassed this happened I'm sure you feel she let down her family and most of all herself. I can see you have other children let this be a lesson for all concerned.

It's tough being a parent but keep your chin up. Set limits, if she doesn't have a job perhaps get one. The free ride is over

GOOD LUCK in whatever direction is taken.

 

[smilingmouse]

I can relate to a lot of the stories already posted here. I too had academic issues for during the first 2.5 years oif my college career. In fact, I was put on academic probation TWICE!!! I realized that my academic difficulties were due to a serious case of depressioon (and other medical problems), but I couldn't bring myself to admit it and get help....Finally, things got bad enough that I didn't have any choice. After receiving help, my grades improved along with my self-esteem. After a lot of hard work, I was on the Dean's list for my final year. My grades weren't as high as I hoped they would be, but I got through it.

I will say that the thing that helped me the most was the unwavering support of my parents......I wouldn't have made it through without them.

Good luck with the situation! I hope all works out for the best

SmilingMouse

 

[orange606]

I write this in hopes that it might help you in your situation. After attending a local CC I was off to a private school 8hrs away from my home. I was a Film major, it had been my dream I and believed there to be a bright future. During the first semester, overloaded with a badly designed schedule I fell into depression. Grades were bad but did rise to A’s and B’s by winter break. Battling with depression and a fear of disappointing my parents, I hung on for two and a half years. After my fourth semester I was placed on academic probation and then academic suspension the following term. Feeling lost and not knowing if a film degree was worth continued pursuit, I went to LA to seek my fortune.

Staying with a friend I was able to find temp work; discovering that experience over education was of importance in entertainment. I was set on securing steady employment in LA, consequently after almost a year I had not done this. Overwhelmed with depression and failure, my future became dark to me. My only fear was alienating my parents to the point they would longer help me. This fear motivated me to enroll in Devry, my only other aptitude being technology. Overall I was displeased and continually read about tech jobs leavening the country. The fall out from the internet bubble had flooded the market with qualified people.

Un-happy I left for Manhattan to stay with other fiends and see if I could procure work. Displeased with the prospects and city I soon returned home. More depressed then ever, I sunk into a deep self-indulgent pit of despair. I slept sleeping most of my day. A world of dreams was my only relief, dreading the conscious hours.

This went on for over a month; I was by all accounts a bum. Lost without direction I had given up, not only my dreams but life itself. Still there was this desire to honor my parents. Somehow I picked myself up, looked over my situation, and then ran over to the local CC on the first day of classes.

In the fall I will be transferring to one of the local state universities. I now have a new direction, drive and hopefully a future.

My parents largely stayed out of the situation. Making it clear they were not happy with my lack of action, but stating informal ultimatums. In retrospect I wish they had been more proactive with helping me, nudging me in some direction. Although I am of the belief that if you treat your children like adults they will act like adults. If they feel you will clean up there messes for them, they might just allow you to run there lives. Only perpetuating the problem. Parents can’t be with their children 24/7, they must become self reliant at some point. A failure can build character and help in this process. My parents were kind enough to continue to be the rock from which I can spring into the world. Without them my failures would have been my doom. Parents must perform a balancing act of sorts; helping their children, but not running there lives.

I wish you luck, and as I have learned, energy is better spent solving problems then worrying about why you have been presented with the problem.

PS: After attending two private schools, a CC and conferring with students from state universities, I have found that cost to the student in no way reflects upon the quality of the education. In fact the local CC pays instructors greater salaries then the state schools. If you look at the overall cost of education it is similar between CC’s, Universities and private schools. In the end student cost depends on the amount of government aid provided to the school.

 

[jipsy]

We had a similar situation here - my BF's oldest son was attending an art school 16 hours away. While he was here for Christmas break, we got a letter in the mail that his mid-term GPA was 1.94 and he was put on probation. In order to keep his scholarships, he was required to maintain a 3.0. He brought his grades up, but not enough and he lost 50% of his scholarships and loans.

I don't know what my BF and his ex-wife are going to do to make up the difference in money.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

First of all I just want to say that things will work themselves out. You just have to change the scene in your head.

I think you know your dd well enough to know what you need to do. It is really a personal journey for your family. So sit down with her and ask her what she plans to do. I'll bet she has thought about this quite a bit. If anything, if she does not have a job right now than that is probably the first thing I would require. Talk it over with her. Have her make the phone calls to the schools.

If it were my dd I would have her work and not go to school for a semester. Give herself time to regroup her thoughts & make money as well to help pay for school.

 

[TammiMcMan]

Well, I actually got a goods night sleep and I'm just waiting for DD to get up so we can talk. I'm not embarrassed about what happened, I'm truly just disappointed in how she chose to handle it. For one thing, an academic probation is something that she experienced during a semester in high school. I thought we did a good job working through it and had the right balance of our involvement and her accountability. Everything worked out and she was fine after that.

I truly hadn't considered that maybe she was experiencing some sort of depression. She was always upbeat in her e-mails and her phone conversations, I just thought that if something was wrong, I'd know. Our family is extremely close and we've always talked about everything. This is the first time that I've basically been left out of the loop by her. And it ends up being a real doosey.

I guess I should probably get dressed and take a drive to Dunkin Donuts. Maybe I will swing by WalMart and pick up a spotlight to sit her under while DH and I do some interrorgating I must be feeling a little bit better, I'm getting my sense of humor back. At least I don't feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

I'll keep you posted.