Clingy men - ugh!!!

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Ugh - I am in an awkward dating situation! I need advice please!

I have been seeing this man for several months now (maybe 6?). He is a total sweetheart - really, one of the nicest guys I have ever known, let alone dated. He is so considerate of my feelings, will drop everything to see me (see where this is going?), wanted early on to introduce me to all his family and friends (I am more of a "meet the parents only if it's pretty serious" type gal), would give me little gifts all the time, etc. He would spend all his free time with me if he could. I know I should probably have recognized the red flags earlier, because this behavior can be a big turn-off for me in men.

We have talked about it quite a bit, and he insists that he has "pulled back," although his actions indicate otherwise. I think I have pulled back and we are not spending quite as much time together because I'm getting uncomfortable with his neediness/clinginess: i.e., constantly needing me to reassure him that everything is alright, starting to question me a lot about what I'm doing when I'm not with him ("who were you with? were there any guys there?"), doing kind of weird stuff like after I leave his house in the evening, calling me once I've driven 20 minutes toward home and begging me to come back because "he felt like things weren't right". He is an emotional/sensitive guy and wears his heart on his sleeve.

I also feel like during the whole time we've been dating, he's been several steps ahead of me - wanting to introduce me to his parents early on, wanting more commitment than me, etc.

The bottom line is, it has gotten to the point where I just cannot handle it anymore - the needy/clingy behavior (and recently, the constant questioning what I'm doing and my whereabouts) is too much for me to take. I feel bad saying it, but it turns me off from being interested in him physically. I am not interested in being with him anymore.

I know I have to end it - but I am so NERVOUS! I know he is going to probably cry a lot, perhaps beg me to take him back, and I just don't do well in those situations. We also have to see each other at some community activities, and I am a little concerned he may say something to me there or otherwise "make a scene" (something similar has happened in the past).

Any advice on how to do it? I am just sick thinking about it, so I want to minimize the carnage, so to speak...

Anyone been in a situation like this before?

 

[FireDancer]

Just call him at work and break up with him. It seems to be the trend with overly emotional people who you suspect will over react.

 

[aprilgail2]

Just call him at work and break up with him. It seems to be the trend with overly emotional people who you suspect will over react.

I broke up with a guy on the phone once (I usually preferred doing it in person)...but only cause that is the reason I broke up with him- he would call me on the phone at least twice a day...I worked two jobs at the time and I really did not want to be talking on the phone twice a day to him...I told him this and he would still call right before I was going to sleep and again when I woke up....and when I woke up the phone call usually started with "so whats new"....ummm...lets see...I just woke up you fool what could be new LOL.....

 

[Carly_Roach]

Just call him at work and break up with him. It seems to be the trend with overly emotional people who you suspect will over react.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

I broke up with a guy on the phone once (I usually preferred doing it in person)...but only cause that is the reason I broke up with him- he would call me on the phone at least twice a day...I worked two jobs at the time and I really did not want to be talking on the phone twice a day to him...I told him this and he would still call right before I was going to sleep and again when I woke up....and when I woke up the phone call usually started with "so whats new"....ummm...lets see...I just woke up you fool what could be new LOL.....

You all are so funny. This guy is sort of like that too... like last night, for example, we chatted a little around 9:30 and I told him I was going to bed early because I was tired and had a headache all day. Guess what? He calls at 11, when I am about to fall asleep. Why? "I just wanted to hear your voice." AAAGH!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You all are so funny. This guy is sort of like that too... like last night, for example, we chatted a little around 9:30 and I told him I was going to bed early because I was tired and had a headache all day. Guess what? He calls at 11, when I am about to fall asleep. Why? "I just wanted to hear your voice." AAAGH!!!

Wow, I think I would have broken down then and broke up.

I think he suspects you are going to cut him loose. I would just get it over with.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Just cut it off. Tell him that it's just too much for you right now.

 

[Rora]

I think I would just gently tell him the things you wrote on this thread. You have valid reasons for ending it-- it's not fair to him or you if you're not interested anymore.

This is a tough situation but with courage and grace, you should be able to end it quickly and hopefully it a somewhat nice way.

 

[Micca]

I think I would just gently tell him the things you wrote on this thread. You have valid reasons for ending it-- it's not fair to him or you if you're not interested anymore.

This is a tough situation but with courage and grace, you should be able to end it quickly and hopefully it a somewhat nice way.

Just forward the link to this thread.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I broke up with a guy after A WEEK that was like that last Fall/Winter. He wasn't as sweet, just wanted to get to the I-can-lay-around-in-my-pj's-and-ask-you-to-cook-me-dinner-every-night stage . Our first date he asked me to be his girlfriend (I told him he was going too fast), our third date (on our third consecutive day of seeing each other) he told me he loved me, and on our fourth date he asked me to come meet his family at Thanksgiving in 3 days. I met his group of friends one night and realized this guy is a "fighter" and gets in fights with people all of the time and brags about it (really? you're 31, grow up). He wanted to see me every second of every day and did not understand why I didn't come over to his house straight after work and stay there until the next day I had to go to work. It was crazy.

After a week I was so smothered I couldn't take it. I broke up with him and it was the most drama filled week of my life!!! When I told him he SOBBED and BEGGED me not to leave then after I left he called/texted mean/rude/hurtful things all hours of the day/night (I finally changed my number but then he switched to email, at least I knew to boot him off of my Facebook before I broke up with him ). He had left a sweatshirt (that I didn't know was there) in my car and kept telling me he was going to call the cops to get his sweatshirt, etc., etc. He drove by my house and by my work, it was insane. After a little over a week he stopped (thank goodness).

Good luck! With so many guys that hate clingy women you'd think there'd be enough clingy women for the clingy men!

 

[BunsenH]

Since you seem open to oddball answers, try this:

 

[Liberty Belle]

Oh yuck. That would turn me off, too.

You've already told him you don't like it and he continues the behavior, so I wouldn't feel too bad ending it. You have to do it in person, but I wouldn't do it at his house. Maybe in a somewhat public place, like a quiet area of a park?

Just do it and get it over with.

 

[Tinkermommy]

Just tell him it's not me, it's you!

I do think this behavior sends up a lot of red flags (controlling/possessive) and it is not healthy much less attractive!

Honestly, people get bashed for breaking up over the phone (texting is too cowardly) but I can sometimes see why they do it.

I wouldn't give him any way to wiggle back in and say he will change. Just be firm that this is not working for you and you are moving on.

Good luck!

 

[Disney Doll]

I would probably say "I don't want to see you any more. You are wanting to be more serious and involved than I want to be, and I don't want to lead you on to think that there is more to this relationship than there is. Thank you for all the nice times we've had but you and I don't work together". Then leave. It might actually be better to do it in a public palce (ie-coffeshop) so that perhaps he won't make a huge scene. Get a table near the door, so you can scoot out quickly if he does start to act up.

Make sure if you have any of his stuff that you bring it with you and leave it with him. If you don't do that, then mail him his stuff, no letter, no nothing. Put it in a box and put it in the mail.

And then do not have any contact with him, at all, again. None. No calls, no emails, no Facebook, no texts. Nothing. Change your numbers, change your schedule, change your route to work if you have to, but do not contact him and do not answer ANY communication from him. I would add that I'd pay attention to my surroundings for a while too...be very aware of what's going on around you, lock your doors and windows etc.

If you contact him for any reason once you have broken up with him, all you are teaching him is that it takes X number of phone calls, texts...whatever... to get a response from you. Every time you respond to him after the break-up, you have bought yourself 6 more weeks of harrassment. The constant questioning about what you're doing when you are not with him is a HUGE RED FLAG!. Run!!!! Run like your pants are on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please buy and read the book entitled "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It gives excellent advice about how to handle situations like this. As a matter--of-fact, my advice above is taken directly from his book.

Don't underestimate what people are capable of. Based on your descriptions, he has some psych issues, so be aware and be careful.

 

[happybratpack]

This is a great post with excellent advice! Thanks for the book recommendation too, I think I'll pick it up.

I would probably say "I don't want to see you any more. You are wanting to be more serious and involved than I want to be, and I don't want to lead you on to think that there is more to this relationship than there is. Thank you for all the nice times we've had but you and I don't work together". Then leave. It might actually be better to do it in a public palce (ie-coffeshop) so that perhaps he won't make a huge scene. Get a table near the door, so you can scoot out quickly if he does start to act up.

Make sure if you have any of his stuff that you bring it with you and leave it with him. If you don't do that, then mail him his stuff, no letter, no nothing. Put it in a box and put it in the mail.

And then do not have any contact with him, at all, again. None. No calls, no emails, no Facebook, no texts. Nothing. Change your numbers, change your schedule, change your route to work if you have to, but do not contact him and do not answer ANY communication from him. I would add that I'd pay attention to my surroundings for a while too...be very aware of what's going on around you, lock your doors and windows etc.

If you contact him for any reason once you have broken up with him, all you are teaching him is that it takes X number of phone calls, texts...whatever... to get a response from you. Every time you respond to him after the break-up, you have bought yourself 6 more weeks of harrassment. The constant questioning about what you're doing when you are not with him is a HUGE RED FLAG!. Run!!!! Run like your pants are on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please buy and read the book entitled "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It gives excellent advice about how to handle situations like this. As a matter--of-fact, my advice above is taken directly from his book.

Don't underestimate what people are capable of. Based on your descriptions, he has some psych issues, so be aware and be careful.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would probably say "I don't want to see you any more. You are wanting to be more serious and involved than I want to be, and I don't want to lead you on to think that there is more to this relationship than there is. Thank you for all the nice times we've had but you and I don't work together". Then leave. It might actually be better to do it in a public palce (ie-coffeshop) so that perhaps he won't make a huge scene. Get a table near the door, so you can scoot out quickly if he does start to act up.

Make sure if you have any of his stuff that you bring it with you and leave it with him. If you don't do that, then mail him his stuff, no letter, no nothing. Put it in a box and put it in the mail.

And then do not have any contact with him, at all, again. None. No calls, no emails, no Facebook, no texts. Nothing. Change your numbers, change your schedule, change your route to work if you have to, but do not contact him and do not answer ANY communication from him. I would add that I'd pay attention to my surroundings for a while too...be very aware of what's going on around you, lock your doors and windows etc.

If you contact him for any reason once you have broken up with him, all you are teaching him is that it takes X number of phone calls, texts...whatever... to get a response from you. Every time you respond to him after the break-up, you have bought yourself 6 more weeks of harrassment. The constant questioning about what you're doing when you are not with him is a HUGE RED FLAG!. Run!!!! Run like your pants are on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please buy and read the book entitled "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It gives excellent advice about how to handle situations like this. As a matter--of-fact, my advice above is taken directly from his book.

Don't underestimate what people are capable of. Based on your descriptions, he has some psych issues, so be aware and be careful.

This..... (especially the last paragraph, bolded)

RUN!!!!!

And, yes, do keep looking over your shoulder.

 

[Mickey527]

Disneydolls hit the nail right on the head. I just read the post and a few of the replies and kept thinking to myself, "why isn't anyone else mentioning the fact that this guy seems like he has major problems?"
People were advising to break up with him, have a talk with him, tell him how you feel... I was just thinking, get that nutjob out of your life before you become a statistic.
I have heard and read stories about clinging guys who become so jealous (calling at 11 pm to talk to you sounds like he was making sure you were still home and hadn't gone out without him) Calling constantly, sending gifts to make you love him quicker, etc... These are the type of guys who will stalk, hurt or even murder the person who leaves them because "they couldn't live without them and didnt' want them with anyone else."
Just reading what you have written gives me a very uncomfortable feeling.

 

[bettymae1121]

Don't call him while he's at work if you're going to break up with him over the phone, if he does make a scene he could lose his job. Ditto if you think he's driving when you talk to him, you don't want to cause an accident.

That said, ditto what Disney Doll said to the max! He may not be dangerous but it's one of those situations where you can't really predict what he will do. He may just cry for a few weeks and move on, or it could escalate into a stalking situation. Better to play it safe.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

Sounds like you're dating my ex-husband...yes, unfortunately, I married the guy.

We were engaged after 6 weeks of dating. Actually, after only 2 weeks, he'd said he could see us spending the rest of our lives together. We did take 2 1/2 years to plan the wedding, though. I started to question it when he admitted that when I had to work late, he'd go out and drive by my workplace to see if I really was there. He'd even come to my house before work and sit in my room while I got dressed!

I married him anyway (I've since found out that my friends seriously wanted to kidnap me before the wedding; they could see right through him). I vividly remember a night when I spent an evening with 2 other friends, one male, one female. The female friend lived in the same apartment complex, so we went to her place. Imagine my surprise when MY MOTHER showed up at the doorstep! Ex had called her to tell her that I was out with these people and he wanted her to bring me home. I told her no, that she should go home and stay out of it.

Fast forward some years...my favourite band was coming to town and I heard about a meet-and-greet contest. I asked him to please help me win the tickets. His answer was, and I will never forget it, "Not a chance; I just know that Simon LeBon will take a liking to you and you'll run off with him" Seriously???

When our (4th) counselor finally told us to end it (after we'd been seeing her for 2-3 years), he agreed, then immediately booked a weekend trip to Nantucket Then when he finally did move out, he took the apartment DIRECTLY ACROSS THE PARKING LOT (there were about 10 other apartments available, nowhere near mine). He admitted to everyone that he did indeed want to keep an eye on me.

After our divorce was final, he met his next girlfriend. He moved in with her 2 weeks later. Less than a month later, they were engaged. A year and a half after that, she went on a weekend trip; came home, handed him the ring and told him to get out. She was fed up with his smothering.

From what I hear, he's had two more girlfriends break up with him...over his smothering, controlling, possessive ways.

Just sharing...you have my sympathy

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Thanks everyone - I don't know how to multi-quote so I'll try to remember.

I have never gotten a "psycho" vibe from him, more just clingy and needy. But I think you all have a point, especially when someone starts questioning who you're with, what you're doing, etc., it can quickly escalate into a not-so-good situation. I think "clingy" can quickly translate into "psycho stalker"!! So I REALLY APPRECIATE that perspective. I wasn't really even thinking about it that seriously.

I appreciate the advice to be candid with him - I had thought about ending it by saying something like "the age difference isn't working for me" (he's a little older than me, but that's not the problem), or something else that doesn't seem quite so harsh. I guess I am trying to be too nice!

Maybe he will surprise me and take it well, but I have a feeling there will be crying and begging, which is why I don't think I can do it in public. It just makes me sick to think about... guys, please do not act this way, it is totally unattractive to women!