Clingy men - ugh!!!

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Sounds like you're dating my ex-husband...yes, unfortunately, I married the guy.

We were engaged after 6 weeks of dating. Actually, after only 2 weeks, he'd said he could see us spending the rest of our lives together. We did take 2 1/2 years to plan the wedding, though. I started to question it when he admitted that when I had to work late, he'd go out and drive by my workplace to see if I really was there. He'd even come to my house before work and sit in my room while I got dressed!

I married him anyway (I've since found out that my friends seriously wanted to kidnap me before the wedding; they could see right through him). I vividly remember a night when I spent an evening with 2 other friends, one male, one female. The female friend lived in the same apartment complex, so we went to her place. Imagine my surprise when MY MOTHER showed up at the doorstep! Ex had called her to tell her that I was out with these people and he wanted her to bring me home. I told her no, that she should go home and stay out of it.

Fast forward some years...my favourite band was coming to town and I heard about a meet-and-greet contest. I asked him to please help me win the tickets. His answer was, and I will never forget it, "Not a chance; I just know that Simon LeBon will take a liking to you and you'll run off with him" Seriously???

When our (4th) counselor finally told us to end it (after we'd been seeing her for 2-3 years), he agreed, then immediately booked a weekend trip to Nantucket Then when he finally did move out, he took the apartment DIRECTLY ACROSS THE PARKING LOT (there were about 10 other apartments available, nowhere near mine). He admitted to everyone that he did indeed want to keep an eye on me.

After our divorce was final, he met his next girlfriend. He moved in with her 2 weeks later. Less than a month later, they were engaged. A year and a half after that, she went on a weekend trip; came home, handed him the ring and told him to get out. She was fed up with his smothering.

From what I hear, he's had two more girlfriends break up with him...over his smothering, controlling, possessive ways.

Just sharing...you have my sympathy

Yep.... this sounds very familiar to me!

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Since you seem open to oddball answers, try this:

Perfect... I LOVE IT!!!!

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'm so glad someone already told you about Gavin deBecker...RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG was all I could think about as I read your op.

Here is a little bit of what he says, you'll notice that many of the early warning signs exist in your current relationship:

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Abusive-Relationship-Red-Flags

 

[dislaney]

He may just be a clingy guy and not a psycho, but if that is not your type of guy- You need to just end it with him. The sooner the better.

 

[hopemax]

Since so many posters are advising RUN, I thought I would stand up for the so-called "clingy" guys. This is not advice to stay and work on it, because if this type of guy is not your type, what's the point?

But my DH was the super-sweet, always available guy when we were dating. We would talk over email, all day long, so he always knew where I was and what I was doing (actually, we still do this.) We've been together 15 years, and he is still the guy that will bring me a rose when I return from vacation, holds my hand when we are out. He does the dishes. In fact, he will do most chores the first time I ask, and if he gets distracted and forgets he apologizes that it took so long. He has never tried to control any aspect of our marriage. He is open about finances, he will cut back on getting something he wants if he knows there is something I want and we only have money for one thing. He puts up with my Disney obsession, will spent hours following me around when I want to go antiquing (he tolerates it better now that he has an iPad.) My Mom, I can tell, is jealous of how wonderfully he treats me. I've seen DH's family, obviously, and this is the way all the men are. They will fight for their most important interests (for my DH, it's soccer...he's a crazy soccer fan), but otherwise they defer to the women.

But he does cry when he is stressed out, I am more the handyman than he is, and there are other "non-manly" things that he does. But I will come here and read the stories of women upset with how disinterested their husband is in their life, or secretive, or whatever, and I wouldn't trade my DH for the world.

 

[Disney Doll]

This statement from the OP:
I'm getting uncomfortable with his neediness/clinginess: i.e., constantly needing me to reassure him that everything is alright, starting to question me a lot about what I'm doing when I'm not with him ("who were you with? were there any guys there?"), doing kind of weird stuff like after I leave his house in the evening, calling me once I've driven 20 minutes toward home and begging me to come back because "he felt like things weren't right".

says to me that this is more than a sensitive guy, which you seem to have Hope. This is controlling behavior that is currently being disguised as "sensitivity" or "love".

My DH is sensitive. He cries easily at sad things. I am fortunate that he ahs always kept my happiness and the importance of our marriage as the 2 things that are foremost in his life. He nevera sked me what I was doing when I wasn't with him, he never called me when I had just left him..stuff like that. Those are warnign signs.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Since so many posters are advising RUN, I thought I would stand up for the so-called "clingy" guys. This is not advice to stay and work on it, because if this type of guy is not your type, what's the point?

But my DH was the super-sweet, always available guy when we were dating. We would talk over email, all day long, so he always knew where I was and what I was doing (actually, we still do this.) We've been together 15 years, and he is still the guy that will bring me a rose when I return from vacation, holds my hand when we are out. He does the dishes. In fact, he will do most chores the first time I ask, and if he gets distracted and forgets he apologizes that it took so long. He has never tried to control any aspect of our marriage. He is open about finances, he will cut back on getting something he wants if he knows there is something I want and we only have money for one thing. He puts up with my Disney obsession, will spent hours following me around when I want to go antiquing (he tolerates it better now that he has an iPad.) My Mom, I can tell, is jealous of how wonderfully he treats me. I've seen DH's family, obviously, and this is the way all the men are. They will fight for their most important interests (for my DH, it's soccer...he's a crazy soccer fan), but otherwise they defer to the women.

But he does cry when he is stressed out, I am more the handyman than he is, and there are other "non-manly" things that he does. But I will come here and read the stories of women upset with how disinterested their husband is in their life, or secretive, or whatever, and I wouldn't trade my DH for the world.

Thank you very much for your perspective, too. I have definitely thought about this side of it as well - do my issues with my guy mean I just have a problem with men who are too "nice" to me? (Which is a little disturbing!)

But after some thought, a lot of the clingy/needy behavior I've seen in my relationship has resulted from the fact that he and I have NEVER been on the same page - he has always been moving faster than me, and that translates into him being clingy or needy.

Disney Doll, thanks for your perspective, too. Although I don't think that he is abusive, I do think that some of his actions are because he wants to take "control" back from me. But your points have definitely made me re-think some of the things he has done and said in a different light; I am going to be careful after I end it with him, because I think what he will do is at best, somewhat unpredictable.

I think I am going to do it tonight or tomorrow... wish me luck...

 

[Christine]

Thank you very much for your perspective, too. I have definitely thought about this side of it as well - do my issues with my guy mean I just have a problem with men who are too "nice" to me? (Which is a little disturbing!)

:

Don't feel so bad, you are not alone!!! Everyone knows what they need and can live with. I am one that have dated a few guys (long ago) that seemed almost in servitude toward me. It's nice occasionally, but it would always get on my nerves after awhile and, all of a sudden, the dynamic would change (we didn't seem to be "equals" anymore) and I would lose my attraction toward them.

My mom married my stepdad. He is like this. He is all about her. There's nothing creepy or controlling but he basically waits on her, everything is about her, etc. My mom is also pretty domineering so this sort of appealed to her. Now that they are getting older, it's driving her batty because he's not really independent and she's tired of being the one calling the shots. It's seems like one just can't get a good mix!!

I'd love to have someone waiting on me a little more than what I have but I think the other factors that come along with that type of personality would ruin it for me.

 

[sharbear]

This guy sounds like the guys that want to date my DD. She's an independent sort and it drives her crazy, she wants to have a boyfriend but still have other interests. I tell her that there are guys like that, my DH is one and so is his brother. They have their own things to do and do not have to be with you 24/7.

But as I always tell my DD, what you think is too much together time, another girl will find endearing. Her roommate's BF wants to be with her and is with her ALL the time. He never wants to be without her, has no other friends and doesn't want her to ever go anywhere without him. My DD took her roommate to a party on a Weds night and then over to her BF's house (her BF is a boy) and the roommates BF who had band practice that night had a cow. He called and called and was so mad. The BF went to my D's friends house and made his GF go home.

The GF doesn't have any problems with this and his lack in interest in having any friends. Before they went out he was friends with my D's friends so it's not like he never had friends. But the GF likes all the attention. Different strokes for different folks!

 

[dzorn]

I told him this and he would still call right before I was going to sleep and again when I woke up....and when I woke up the phone call usually started with "so whats new"....ummm...lets see...I just woke up you fool what could be new LOL.....

This would have been an easy break up.

What's new "Let me think, What his name---Hey you what did you say your name was? (Speaking to the non existant bed partner.) On and On

Denise in MI

 

[Robinrs]

I would probably say "I don't want to see you any more. You are wanting to be more serious and involved than I want to be, and I don't want to lead you on to think that there is more to this relationship than there is. Thank you for all the nice times we've had but you and I don't work together". Then leave. It might actually be better to do it in a public palce (ie-coffeshop) so that perhaps he won't make a huge scene. Get a table near the door, so you can scoot out quickly if he does start to act up.

Make sure if you have any of his stuff that you bring it with you and leave it with him. If you don't do that, then mail him his stuff, no letter, no nothing. Put it in a box and put it in the mail.

And then do not have any contact with him, at all, again. None. No calls, no emails, no Facebook, no texts. Nothing. Change your numbers, change your schedule, change your route to work if you have to, but do not contact him and do not answer ANY communication from him. I would add that I'd pay attention to my surroundings for a while too...be very aware of what's going on around you, lock your doors and windows etc.

If you contact him for any reason once you have broken up with him, all you are teaching him is that it takes X number of phone calls, texts...whatever... to get a response from you. Every time you respond to him after the break-up, you have bought yourself 6 more weeks of harrassment. The constant questioning about what you're doing when you are not with him is a HUGE RED FLAG!. Run!!!! Run like your pants are on fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please buy and read the book entitled "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It gives excellent advice about how to handle situations like this. As a matter--of-fact, my advice above is taken directly from his book.

Don't underestimate what people are capable of. Based on your descriptions, he has some psych issues, so be aware and be careful.

I could've WRITTEN that book!!! I call it "escapism", it's my religion!

 

[Imzadi]

I'm so glad someone already told you about Gavin deBecker...RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG was all I could think about as I read your op.

Here is a little bit of what he says, you'll notice that many of the early warning signs exist in your current relationship:

http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Abusive-Relationship-Red-Flags

Gavin de Becker has a free MOSAIC threat level assessment on his website for potential, violent/deadly situations. It was created from decades of his research and it asks a person pertinent questions a normal person/ or even a trained police professional wouldn't know/remember to ask or answer in gathering info to make an accurate threat level assessment.

http://www.gavindebecker.com

Like a PP, Hopemax, described her DH. It appears she does not get the subtle nuances that this man is NOT the same. As Disney Doll described, calling at 11 pm after you told him you are going to bed, because HE claims he wanted to hear your voice, in NOT someone considerate. This is a man who DISREGARDED the OP's wants. I agree that while he says it's to just hear her voice, calling at 11 and also 20 minutes after she leaves, is an idicator that he is checking up to make sure she is really home.

The fact is, we don't know if this man will flip into another personae when confronted with losing the OBJECT of his affections. he may have already given indications that the OP isn't aware of, or would know how to accurately put together, as she does not have the knowledge or training to look for and assess a real threat. Most people blow off indicators as, in their known world, they aren't used to situations turning dangerous.

If The Gift of Fear, Gavin always goes back over a dangerous situation with a client. One of the reasons, is to re-empower the person. Almost every time, the person does finally remember clues & indicators they were given before the situation turned violent. They just didn't know how to put it together at the time. Or didn't listen to themselves. Hindsight, is 20/20.

If the OP, who we haven't heard from today, breaks up with him in person, she should do it in a public place. She should expect the possibility of him making a big scene. (She already has concerns he will. That's a flag - and another sign this is about his wants & needs, not her. Would YOU (general you) want a man who would go out of his way to make a scene and embarrass you? Another sign of disregarding her feelings.) And she should have a friend already at the public place, maybe at another table, who can help her leave, if necessary, if he does make a scene.

Gavin says two things:

"What part of No didn't you understand?"

and

"When a man says No, it is the end of a conversation. When a woman says No, it is the beginning of a negotiation."

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Gavin de Becker has a free MOSAIC threat level assessment on his website for potential, violent/deadly situations. It was created from decades of his research and it asks a person pertinent questions a normal person/ or even a trained police professional wouldn't know/remember to ask or answer in gathering info to make an accurate threat level assessment.

http://www.gavindebecker.com

Like a PP, Hopemax, described her DH. It appears she does not get the subtle nuances that this man is NOT the same. As Disney Doll described, calling at 11 pm after you told him you are going to bed, because HE claims he wanted to hear your voice, in NOT someone considerate. This is a man who DISREGARDED the OP's wants. I agree that while he says it's to just hear her voice, calling at 11 and also 20 minutes after she leaves, is an idicator that he is checking up to make sure she is really home.

The fact is, we don't know if this man will flip into another personae when confronted with losing the OBJECT of his affections. he may have already given indications that the OP isn't aware of, or would know how to accurately put together, as she does not have the knowledge or training to look for and assess a real threat. Most people blow off indicators as, in their known world, they aren't used to situations turning dangerous.

If The Gift of Fear, Gavin always goes back over a dangerous situation with a client. One of the reasons, is to re-empower the person. Almost every time, the person does finally remember clues & indicators they were given before the situation turned violent. They just didn't know how to put it together at the time. Or didn't listen to themselves. Hindsight, is 20/20.

If the OP, who we haven't heard from today, breaks up with him in person, she should do it in a public place. She should expect the possibility of him making a big scene. (She already has concerns he will. That's a flag - and another sign this is about his wants & needs, not her. Would YOU (general you) want a man who would go out of his way to make a scene and embarrass you? Another sign of disregarding her feelings.) And she should have a friend already at the public place, maybe at another table, who can help her leave, if necessary, if he does make a scene.

Gavin says two things:

"What part of No didn't you understand?"

and

"When a man says No, it is the end of a conversation. When a woman says No, it is the beginning of a negotiation."

OP here - this is good advice. I haven't broken up with him yet - he was out of town, then I was, so it will be this week sometime. I am still alive and well, if anyone was wondering.

I know some of what you say is correct, because I find myself thinking I would rather stay with him than break up with him - only because I don't know how he will respond! And I believe a lot of his behavior, while couched in terms of "concern" for me and "being nice," is actually because of his selfish desires or his need to deal with his insecurities.

I think I am going to do it at a public park - a busy one. I don't want to be at a restaurant or coffee shop if he makes a scene. Honestly, I don't think he will, but I do anticipate some tears, and that alone is enough I don't want to be at a restaurant or somewhere like that.

 

[Imzadi]

Glad to hear you are alright. Wasn't sure if it was just a different time zone thing. Or that it went so badly (in terms of histrionics on his part

) that you needed time away from everyone.

I think a public park would be a good idea.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Glad to hear you are alright. Wasn't sure if it was just a different time zone thing. Or that it went so badly (in terms of histrionics on his part

) that you needed time away from everyone.

I think a public park would be a good idea.

LOL, I love the smileys!! Maybe I will be surprised and it will be quick and painless...

But thanks you all for your support and validation - it does help me to feel like it's not all in my head, or that I'm overreacting.