Classmate called my son"weird" What do you do if anything?

[bananiem]

I guess I disagree. I feel by standing up to this kid and making some comeback statement that it takes away the bully's power then if my kid just stands there and takes it.

I am not advocating anything else but some sort of comment that would startle the bully and make him go away from an "easy" target, my son. IMO bullies go after the weak kids who wont stand up to them, if they make it difficult for the bully then the bully will stop picking on them.

As long as the bully knows he's hurt your son's feelings or gotten to him in any way,the bully has the "prize" he was after. He'll know he can get to him. Trust me. I was the kid that was bullied. I played right into their game because I was an insecure little twit.
I'm a parent and a former teacher and I can guarantee you that if the kid thinks he can push your son's buttons, he'll be over it.
I'd teach my kid to ignore it or say the old PeeWee Herman line, "I know you are, but what am I?" and make it a joke.
Truthfully, it happened last school year? Forget about it, until your son brings it up again. The last thing he needs is to get worried about it happening again before it even does.

 

[lyzziesmom]

If the child being bullied or called names turns right around with a comeback and calls the other kid names, how does that make him any better? That just teaches him that it's okay to sink to the other kid's level.

As someone who was called a LOT of names as a kid, and always the new kid in school every couple of years, I know a little bit about how these things work. The best way to get someone to stop is to ignore them. If it doesn't bother your son, then the other kid will find someone else who it does bother. If he calls your kid weird, the most your kid should say is, "So?" and walk away.

 

[NewJersey]

I think you should cut the 'copter strings, to be honest.

 

[Fish Almighty]

Being weird is a badge of honor in this house. Every week (usually over Sunday dinner), we vote on the "Freak of the Week," an honor bestowed upon the family member who has been the most consistently weird that week.

The 4YO has been winning lately--but only because he's going through a "nudist pirate" stage.

Oh, well. As they say, "Only the mediocre are always at their best."

 

[angwill]

Being weird is a badge of honor in this house. Every week (usually over Sunday dinner), we vote on the "Freak of the Week," an honor bestowed upon the family member who has been the most consistently weird that week.

The 4YO has been winning lately--but only because he's going through a "nudist pirate" stage.

Oh, well. As they say, "Only the mediocre are always at their best."

I love it, You are too funny. I want to be part of your family and be the feak of the week. What a way to do it if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at. That's our motto too. My son would love this but he is an only child so I am sure he would get sick of getting the badge of honor so often although I am sure he would love giving it to me every week. To be honest I don't think a day goes by that my son doesn't tell me I am weird after just breaking out into a dance for no reason or start singing a love song to him in the car etc. I just realized it has been a while since he has gotten up and danced with me when I start dancing. I am going to have to start encouraging that again, thanks for reminding me.

I forgot to say no disrespect to the OP. I understand everyones sense of humor is different and I am not comparing it to what happened to your son. Thinking about the responses you got it sounds like to some calling a person weird could be a term used as a funny thing and not a hurtful thing although slow and weird doesn't sound like a funny term of endearment.

 

[Hound 109]

I guess I disagree. I feel by standing up to this kid and making some comeback statement that it takes away the bully's power then if my kid just stands there and takes it.

I am not advocating anything else but some sort of comment that would startle the bully and make him go away from an "easy" target, my son. IMO bullies go after the weak kids who wont stand up to them, if they make it difficult for the bully then the bully will stop picking on them.

That was our experience. "Who died & made you queen?" & "your mom dresses you funny".....Really backed them off. (said with a confident smile)

 

[Planogirl]

Keep the lines of communication open and let the kids work it out. If it escalates to fighting, then you might want to step in but otherwise I'd stay out of it.

I know how hard it is to see our kids deal with trouble but they learn from it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Is he weird? Because IMO it has to be handled differently depending on the kid.

My best friend has a son who is weird. Wonderful kid, smart as the day is long and not bad looking. Very thoughtful and mature, loves learning. But very unlike other kids. Weird. Different. Doesn't fit in.

He doesn't talk to his mom about it, because he knows she worries about him and doesn't want to burden her. Plus, she "flips out" , which is true, she does. So, he talks to me and his dad.

I do try to reinforce the fact that many "weird" kids grew up to be rich and if he doesn't squander his God-given gift of intelligence, he'll end up rich, too. I also point out why I like him - specific things. But he knows I honest-to-oranges like him for him and I think that helps.

I also tell him that when he goes off to college, it'll be a whole new ballgame. Ivy League schools are full of smart kids and he'll blend in a lot better. He'll meet people who enjoy talking about history and physics instead of the OC and American Idol. I believe that.

He'll still be a little different, though. I think he will always be a little weird, but I hope he'll be happy.

I also didn't reprimand him when he punched a kid for saying that he did something to his mother that I can't even repeat on the DIS. I congratulated him.

Kids who aren't weird, I'd just tell them to ignore it and blow it off. But, kids who are weird need a whole lot of extra help, IMO.

In neither circumstance would I call the school or the other kid's parents. Nor would I lose sleep. Much worse things than having a kid who is called a weirdo, accurately or not.

 

[MushyMushy]

If the child being bullied or called names turns right around with a comeback and calls the other kid names, how does that make him any better? That just teaches him that it's okay to sink to the other kid's level.

As someone who was called a LOT of names as a kid, and always the new kid in school every couple of years, I know a little bit about how these things work. The best way to get someone to stop is to ignore them. If it doesn't bother your son, then the other kid will find someone else who it does bother. If he calls your kid weird, the most your kid should say is, "So?" and walk away.

Ignoring and walking away NEVER worked for me.

I was tormented mercilessly in school, to a point that would be criminal these days. I completely ignored it and never once showed on the outside how it affected me, yet it continued until the day those kids graduated and left the school. And even a bit beyond that as they'd come back for different events.

 

[Christine]

When my son started 4th grade, there was a kid who stole his money and called him names. In fact, there were two of them. I waited awhile and tried to let them work it out but after the constant stealing of the money, I did contact the teacher who contacted guidance and the thefts stopped immediately.

Then it was the name-calling. My son told me about it but I just kind of let it go and told him to handle it how in a way he thought was best (I mean *I'm* not on the playground so I don't know the best way to deal with it). They also used names like "weird" and then finally they kept telling him he was "gay." Now, is my son weird? Probably a little--but so are all young boys IMO! They called him "gay" because he doesn't play sports but even when he did play they called him "gay" along with several other boys that my son hung out with.

Finally after a year or so of this, my son just said "Hey, you know what--you're fat and I'm glad I'm not fat like you". The kid was truly fat. My son started calling the kid "fatty" every time he saw the kid coming toward him with his "gay" remark. Now, I'm not thrilled about this and that my son was driven to commenting on someone like this, but this is what he had to do. You know, it apparently embarrassed the bully so bad that it has been 2 years and he has totally stayed away from my son.

My point is that kids will do these things. Boys at this age seem to be big on the name calling and I'm sure your son is not the only one targeted (as my son was not the only one). You really need to stay out of it and let him try to manage it.

In my opinion there are only two times that YOU, the parent, need to get involved:

1. Your child is in physical danger of being hurt or tormented to a point that he cannot function in school.

2. You find that it is just more than one kid that is doing this. If you start to see a pattern over the years of your son being singled out as "weird" then you need to look at your child as objectively as possible and figure out if he truly is weird and is not socially fitting in. But one incident is not enough to concern yourself with. Look for patterns.

 

[aprilgail2]

DD had a boy torture her all year in 5th grade. She WAS shy, finally she had it & said back to him. I'm going to Harvard & your going to end up in Community College so I don't care what you say. He was SHOCKED & said to the teacher did you hear what she said to me? The teacher just smiled & said it's probably true. He never bothered her again.

I like that one. I would never tell my child to just sit there and be silent when being made fun of by another kid. My daughter had a kid making fun of her on the bus in 2nd grade for being short and she came back with "well at least I am not fat like you"-that kid had the nerve to start crying like MY daughter was the mean kid when she was just giving back what the kid was doing to her! The first kid she didn't say anything back to and for days it went on in first grade, finally she just said "will you just shut up already" and that was the end of that one. Being silent just lets them go on and on and think you are a wimp and will just sit there and take it all, sorry-not happening!!!

 

[Mkrop]

I think you should cut the 'copter strings, to be honest.

I guess you missed my post on another thread. I adbsolutely detest this term. I think people who use it are downright rude.

You also mentioned before that you werent belittling me yet you use that belittling term. You also mentioned you didnt have kids, so you dont know what is like when your kid comes to you with a issue that he is truly upset about and you are looking for the best way to help even if that means doing nothing but listening.

I have not done any helicoptering IMHO other than listen to my son the two times he has brought it up, once in May and once in Aug. I have not jumped on the phone demanding he be moved out of the same class, I did not call the school when it happened, I have not called J's parents flipping out.

I was looking for advice because this is obviously something that is upsetting him. In May it seemed like an isolated one time incident. We dealt with it at the time and thought it was behind us. Then when he brought it up at amusement park in Aug and he told us this happened a few times not just once, yes my concern grew. I dont want it to esculate to any other level and would like to empower my son. I have done a little digging since I do not know the particular boy (I do know most of the kids that my sons has had class with since I volunteer at school) and I found out that this kid is a bully and therefore I want to make sure I do all I can for my son, once again if all that means is making sure the lines of communication stay open.

I too have dealt with bullies growing up, I was new to three different schools. Most times I found ignoring doesnt work. It took me finally saying something to them for them to a back off.

DS9 tried to be polite, he tried igonoring. If he brought it up again months later, he is still upset which is why I need a new approach.

I can appreciated people disagreeing with that approach but usually what they have suggested has already been tried.

Once again thanks to all for their insights.

 

[Mkrop]

Is he weird? Because IMO it has to be handled differently depending on the kid.

My best friend has a son who is weird. Wonderful kid, smart as the day is long and not bad looking. Very thoughtful and mature, loves learning. But very unlike other kids. Weird. Different. Doesn't fit in.

He doesn't talk to his mom about it, because he knows she worries about him and doesn't want to burden her. Plus, she "flips out" , which is true, she does. So, he talks to me and his dad.

I do try to reinforce the fact that many "weird" kids grew up to be rich and if he doesn't squander his God-given gift of intelligence, he'll end up rich, too. I also point out why I like him - specific things. But he knows I honest-to-oranges like him for him and I think that helps.

I also tell him that when he goes off to college, it'll be a whole new ballgame. Ivy League schools are full of smart kids and he'll blend in a lot better. He'll meet people who enjoy talking about history and physics instead of the OC and American Idol. I believe that.

He'll still be a little different, though. I think he will always be a little weird, but I hope he'll be happy.

I also didn't reprimand him when he punched a kid for saying that he did something to his mother that I can't even repeat on the DIS. I congratulated him.

Kids who aren't weird, I'd just tell them to ignore it and blow it off. But, kids who are weird need a whole lot of extra help, IMO.

In neither circumstance would I call the school or the other kid's parents. Nor would I lose sleep. Much worse things than having a kid who is called a weirdo, accurately or not.

Yes I have found that intelligence in the student world is not appriecated until SAT scores start coming out then suddenly all those people who made fun of you in school are impressed.

I dont think he is weird, in fact some of the things he has been into for a long time, like in depth sports analysis and sports stats, the other kids were starting to appreciate and get as excited about as well. I figured it would all even out somewhere soon.

I probably should not be losing sleep but I internalize and think way too much but he certainly does not know this. As as I stated before, I wasnt as concerned when it first happen, yes kids will say mean stuff, but when he brought it up in Aug again, I thought wow he havent been in school since June and is bringing it up again and now it was more than once that he upset him.

Also it is hard at this age for some kids to appreciate their uniqueness, all they want to do is fit in, I think we as adults forget that and also dont aprreicate our differences and personalities until much later in life.

 

[willis37862]

He did say to him, Stop Calling me that I dont like it, and That hurts my feelings both which did not work since the kids said it to him more than once in the recess yard.

And just so I am sure to take your advice, I think your comment that I bolded was very rude and it hurt my feelings. Any adult who would say that about a child is rude, Imho no one is weird, people are just unique and different.

But hey thanks for your input.

Really?

 

[Freyja]

He did say to him, Stop Calling me that I dont like it, and That hurts my feelings both which did not work since the kids said it to him more than once in the recess yard.

And just so I am sure to take your advice, I think your comment that I bolded was very rude and it hurt my feelings. Any adult who would say that about a child is rude, Imho no one is weird, people are just unique and different.

But hey thanks for your input.

I´m sorry I hurt your feelins. I must admit though that I can´t understand why your feelings were hurt. I didn´t say he was weird. I asked if he was?
I know plenty of kids who are weird in my and other people´s opinion.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I mean no disrespect ... but is your son weird? Of course he is not to you, but is he quirky?

Ask a few friends you trust to be completely honest and see what they say. I guess you need to ask if there is something you just cannot see since you are so close to it?

I think I remember your son as the one who keeps going to the ladies room with you... could one of the school kids have seen that?

Only other advice is to have the son ask J why he thinks he is weird.

Good luck to your son...kids can be so mean... but tell him to remember ....sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

 

[agnes!]

I got flamed pretty good one time for giving my DD a comeback for some kid who was picking on her, and it was a heck of a lot more mild than the ones you're suggesting.

Some girl kept teasing her because her hair is so curly, so I told her to say, "You just WISH your hair was this curly." She did, and the girl tattled, and DD got in trouble.

How about...
"Why is *my* appearance so important to you?" (shrug and/or puzzled look) and then walk away.

agnes!

 

[Mkrop]

Really?

Yes really I dont judge people. I think people are different but I certainly would not use the word wierd to describe someone.

I´m sorry I hurt your feelins. I must admit though that I can´t understand why your feelings were hurt. I didn´t say he was weird. I asked if he was?
I know plenty of kids who are weird in my and other people´s opinion.

Thanks for your apology, I was not at my best yesterday but yes my feelings were hurt because I dont see much positive in the word weird and as I stated above I find this a very harmful word.

ETA: another thought, I dont really like the word stupid either, I think words are incredibly powerful. I think people may make stupid decisions but I dont feel people are inherently stupid either, uneducated, uniformed etc.

 

[Mkrop]

I mean no disrespect ... but is your son weird? Of course he is not to you, but is he quirky?

Ask a few friends you trust to be completely honest and see what they say. I guess you need to ask if there is something you just cannot see since you are so close to it?

I think I remember your son as the one who keeps going to the ladies room with you... could one of the school kids have seen that?

Only other advice is to have the son ask J why he thinks he is weird.

Good luck to your son...kids can be so mean... but tell him to remember ....sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

I am very objective when it comes to my kids, at least I think I am, and I do ask other peoples opinions. Like when the chorus teacher wanted him to join and I kept thinking to myself "why the kid cant sing, I asked other people what they thought never letting DS9 know of course and they said uh he cant sing" so I told him he had too many other activities which was true and we skipped chorus for now.

Now onto the bathroom: he rarely goes in with me now, I judge each situation on a case by case basis and most of the places I have dealt being unsafe were not even in the state but I do defend the idea that every parent needs to make that decision based on a lot of factors and it is not my place to judge them or make them choose an arbitrary age.

TY and I am trying to reinforce the old standy by of sticks and stones, somedays it seems to work and other days not so much.

 

[Hannathy]

I really debated posting this and I am not trying to pick on you but give you something to think about....
Concerning the bathroom, if your son is willingly accompanying you to the bathroom at 9 I bet he is coming across to the other boys as very timid and unassertive. That is prime pick on territory to boys and yes to them weird. Possibly allowing him to go to the BR alone would give him the independence and Confidence to stand up to the other boys and not be a target. You can't expect a child to turn on confidence just when it is convenient it has to be acquired with use. If he can't assert his independence with you and balk at going in (mine started refusing at 7) then I am sure he is not assertive with the other boys. Arm him with the confidence and experience of independence then step back and let him deal with it.