Christmas gifts ugh!

[Leajess99]

Seems to me that she may be wanting the IPODs for herself. I would not be doing the share gifts either. Tell her your family will buy them gifts separately.

 

[Pigeon]

I agree I just wish it was easy. She always blows it up of proportion and makes a huge issue. Last time it was the party that we told her we are not paying for it because she change the dates on us and we are not going to pay for something we are not part of. She call all her family made up all kinds of stories and everyone was upset. When we told our part of the story every understood and they told us she never told them that . I got the feeling this year is going to be the same thing with her is her way or the highway.

So let her get her knickers in a twist and throw her little hissy fit. Who cares? Just don't engage.

The only way you are going to stop this kind of thing is to tell her directly and calmly that you will not be participating in group gifts this year or going forward, so please do not bring it up again, period.

Boundaries are your friend.

 

[shellyfive]

Believe me, if they don't have a computer, then they probably aren't savy on them, and therefore will have noooooo idea the first thing about running an ipod or downloading music.......so if you go w/ that plan they will probably hand them to you after xmas and ask for you to load them for them!!!!
If your inlaws are over sixty , and not into high tech stuff------then I seriously doubt the request is coming from them anyway......
you can always tell her that you're putting your money towards a island in the pacific that they always wanted........that should get you out of every xmas from now on.............

 

[marie1203]

Ok so here is what happen this was not the first time we have told her no. The main issue usually for the whole family is that she has MS so everyone tries to baby her. I understand that she has a disease but also I don't think she should be able to get away with everything because of it. It will be different to avoid her stress if she took care of her self but she still smokes, drinks and hasn't lost any weight something that the doctor told her she should do and she still hasn't even tried. I was going to give it a couple of days but she called us yesterday I am not usually the one that tell her no I let my DH handle it. DH told her that we are not planning on spending that much in xmas presents because we are trying to save money we are moving in a year and we need to buy another house. Well she as always got mad told him to think of what his parents have done for him blah blah...
So after this Dh got upset and he told her that maybe she should budget and maybe she could buy a house like he has even though he is 9 years younger. So it didn't go well he hang up and his grandparents call us. And their excuse was you know how she is, They wanted to pay for our part to avoid conflict we told them no. This morning I got and email from her saying that she doesn't consider him a brother anymore and never to talk to her again. We are not going to answer back whatever if she wants to act like a child. Good thing we are not spending the holiday with my DH family this year. It blows my mind how adults can act worst than kids.

 

[maggiew]

OP, I am sorry things turned out how they did. My sister recently (almost 2 years now) threw a similar fit and it is very sad.

I think you did the right thing standing up for yourself. Although it sounds like maybe it went a little sour ("maybe you should save and you could buy a house too..."). But, what is done is done. I hope this resolves itself soon for you.

On a related note, there is an apple shuffle for $29 plus shipping that someone here on the DIS posted about. That seems more in line for parents who don't have a computer and probably don't know how to work an iPod. You guys could have preloaded songs for them and they would just have to play them. That would have only cost you and your sister $29 each! Too bad she wasn't willing to take reasonable suggestions.

http://www.midnightbox.com/?dealboxtabs=0
It is Deal #2.

Maggie

 

[lyncecelia]

Ok so here is what happen this was not the first time we have told her no. The main issue usually for the whole family is that she has MS so everyone tries to baby her. I understand that she has a disease but also I don't think she should be able to get away with everything because of it. It will be different to avoid her stress if she took care of her self but she still smokes, drinks and hasn't lost any weight something that the doctor told her she should do and she still hasn't even tried. I was going to give it a couple of days but she called us yesterday I am not usually the one that tell her no I let my DH handle it. DH told her that we are not planning on spending that much in xmas presents because we are trying to save money we are moving in a year and we need to buy another house. Well she as always got mad told him to think of what his parents have done for him blah blah...
So after this Dh got upset and he told her that maybe she should budget and maybe she could buy a house like he has even though he is 9 years younger. So it didn't go well he hang up and his grandparents call us. And their excuse was you know how she is, They wanted to pay for our part to avoid conflict we told them no. This morning I got and email from her saying that she doesn't consider him a brother anymore and never to talk to her again. We are not going to answer back whatever if she wants to act like a child. Good thing we are not spending the holiday with my DH family this year. It blows my mind how adults can act worst than kids.

wow....that's crazy!

I hope it all works out, sounds like right now she's playing the sympathy card....once she realizes you aren't giving in, she might turn around. Hang tight and don't cave!

 

[Figment1990]

The old "shared gift/party and here's what you owe me" happens to us too with my SIL. It's nice to hear others experience this too. (well, not exactly nice, I guess!) The biggest problem occurred when she decided to throw her parents a 40th anniversary party. We discussed ahead of time that we were not going to do a gift, just the party (which we did pay our half for, even though it was far more than originally budgeted). We were literally in the car, less than an hour from my in-laws house (we all live several hours apart) and she phones us and says, "we decided to give them this present anyhow - would you like to chip in?" We're like, uh, no not really b/c we had decided not to do a gift and now, if we don't do anything we'll look awful and the only option, since it's too late to buy our own, is to go in with them on their gift. That turned into a messy argument later on that trip between DH, DSil and myself. However, it resulted in her finally realizing that for 5 years, she had been calling all the shots without regard to our opinions and we weren't putting up with it anymore. Prior to that, she had also been the one to determine when we all traveled to visit the in-laws, based on her schedule and vacation plans. She used to also determine our schedule during the visit, when we would all go places, do things, etc. Since then, it's better, but she still tries to be bossy sometimes. I'm glad I put my foot down (or made DH do so).

With my DSis, if I want to do a joint gift with my parents, my line is always "I'm planning to do this for them - if you'd like to join in with us, that's cool and you can contribute whatever you feel you are able to if anything. Or if you want to do your own thing, that's cool too." I don't even mind when she doesn't contribute at all. Our goal is just to give my parents something they'd like and enjoy, regardless of who or how or how much. Too bad SIL can't see it that way.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

"I'm sorry....I've already got them gifts." Problem solved. Fyi-that chick is rude.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

With no computer iPods are pointless...

 

[seashell724]

The exact same thing happens with my SIL. I feel your pain. Last time she told us AFTER the present was given how much we owed her. I told her we did something on our own instead.

I just got an email from my SIL saying that for christmas her parents will like ipods so she will like to split it therefore it will be $100 per person which means for me and DH is $200. They don't even own a computer so how is the ipods any good? Ugh I am so sick of this share gifts of her. Last time she bought her mother a $550 ring for mothers day and decide to tells us how much we owe her. And for her parents 25 wedding anniversary she plan a party wanted us to giver her $600 plus our airfare and she change the dates to dates we couldn't even make it. We were not planning on spending $200 for christmas gifts just for her parents. Does anyone else deal with this in your family? The worst part is she "borrows" the money from her grandparents and never paid them back.

 

[vicki_c]

Marie - sorry it went so poorly, but it's probably for the best. I'm guessing she will come around eventually once she sees her hissy fit is not changing your mind. As long as the grandparents don't decide to pay your part anyway.

Stay strong - family drama can really suck!

 

[windycitymom]

I have a story to share...A few years ago, my SIL wanted to get her parents a digital camera for Christmas. Well, I never saw them take pictures with it. Lo and behold, they GAVE it to my SIL to use when her camera broke. So, we paid for half the camera she was now using! After hearing that, I told DH there is no way we are doing shared gifts with her again.

 

[karice2]

Maybe I am an insensitive jerk. Ok, scratch the maybe, I am an insensitive jerk. I don't understand how adults can continue to allow any member of their family to hold them hostage financially or emotionally. If it were a stranger on the street or at work, most people would have spoken up a long time ago. We make excuses for family members because of some sentimental bias that has been forced on people for far too long. Family does not mean automatic pass to treat me like crap. In fact, I hold family to a higher standard so my tolerance for such foolishness and shenanigans is less than I would have for a stranger because they should know better and be better.

If you are an adult member of the family and do something that I do not like you are immediately cut off. I do not engage with you at all. You are not allowed in my house, you don't have my phone number and no one is allowed to share any information about me to you.

It is too easy. All the guilt trips and family drama that causes people stress is a non issue for me. I am happier and freer for it. It may seem cold but people know the rules and respect them. You are told once and if you continue to behave in a manner that I don't want to be around. I am done with you.

I don't speak to my brother at all. I have lived in my house for five years. He doesn't even have my phone number. My mother and father know not to share anything with him. I don't regret it and will not change my mind.

So I never have to worry about the shared gift phenomenom.

 

[disneychic2]

I agree I just wish it was easy. She always blows it up of proportion and makes a huge issue. Last time it was the party that we told her we are not paying for it because she change the dates on us and we are not going to pay for something we are not part of. She call all her family made up all kinds of stories and everyone was upset. When we told our part of the story every understood and they told us she never told them that . I got the feeling this year is going to be the same thing with her is her way or the highway.

In that case I would definitely take the highway and breath easier. This is a problem your DH should handle since it is his family. He should let his sister know that from now on, no matter what the occasion, you will be buying your own gifts for family members. Since you have participated in the past when she used such tactics, she probably thinks you'll always pony up. Have DH set her straight asap. Good luck!

 

[disneychic2]

Ok so here is what happen this was not the first time we have told her no. The main issue usually for the whole family is that she has MS so everyone tries to baby her. I understand that she has a disease but also I don't think she should be able to get away with everything because of it. It will be different to avoid her stress if she took care of her self but she still smokes, drinks and hasn't lost any weight something that the doctor told her she should do and she still hasn't even tried. I was going to give it a couple of days but she called us yesterday I am not usually the one that tell her no I let my DH handle it. DH told her that we are not planning on spending that much in xmas presents because we are trying to save money we are moving in a year and we need to buy another house. Well she as always got mad told him to think of what his parents have done for him blah blah...
So after this Dh got upset and he told her that maybe she should budget and maybe she could buy a house like he has even though he is 9 years younger. So it didn't go well he hang up and his grandparents call us. And their excuse was you know how she is, They wanted to pay for our part to avoid conflict we told them no. This morning I got and email from her saying that she doesn't consider him a brother anymore and never to talk to her again. We are not going to answer back whatever if she wants to act like a child. Good thing we are not spending the holiday with my DH family this year. It blows my mind how adults can act worst than kids.

It is truly sad that someone could be that controlling and mean spirited! I'm sure your DH has expressed his thanks to his parents for all they did for him and buying presents they probably don't even want isn't the way to do it. Sad that SIL thinks it is. She could be more loving and that would probably make the entire Christmas holiday for all the family...no need for gifts.

This is all a bit ironic since Christmas is such a special time, meant to truly embody the spirit of love. Maybe SIL needs to pause and think of why we celebrate Christmas. Meanwhile, have a blessed Christmas yourselves.