Child Support

[Buckalew11]

His children are only 4 and 2 years old so even though she had an affair and wanted out. He was trying to do what's best for them.

So, he feels like leaving them with his ex is best for them? Hmm...that's interesting. The judge might feel like mom can do best but I as the other parent would never think that. If there was proof of cheating, I'd say "go for it" custody wise because there is no way in heck I'd want some stranger(s) in and out of my kids' lives that BF/GFs tend to be (a revolving door, so to speak).

 

[stardebby]

Wait Auntie is that you??? My cousin is going through the exact same thing. He pays so much in child support. His ex is always trying to keep the kids from him and demanding more money. Yes he understands he has to pay for his kids, but not be taken for practically every cent. His ex left him, so I understand your frustrations.

Finally someone who knows what I'm talking about this is almost exactly what my son is dealing with. My son is going to pay what he has to pay he loves his children very much and would do anything for them.

 

[NHdisneylover]

He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.

As others have said, this is pretty much how ALL parents feel. You later say the kids are only 2 and 4. OMG, yes, work and taking care of the kids is really pretty much the sum of life at this stage of parenting for every good parent. Heck, as the non primary parent he probably gets several evenings a week, after work, in which he is ONLY feeding himself, cleaning up after himself and able to watch a TV show, or read, or play a computer game, etc without interruptions. That is a lovely bit of peace and quiet, or "life", that many parents can only dream about when they have preschool aged kids.

I am 40 years old now, so this was quite sometime ago, but my parents were divorced when I was six. My dad would voluntarily raise the amount he sent to my mom every few years.... In addition to paying for extras like school trips and sports lessons. So not ALL are jerks.

That is wonderful

He is not going to be able to have the same lifestyle he did when he was married. That is one of the things that come with divorce. Even if the mother works they are now supporting the kids and two households with the same income. Living expenses go up when you divide the household. That's the way it works.

Yep, no matter what, it will be hard on the parents after a divorce. You are nearly doubling the "big" expenses (housing, etc) without doubling the income. It is a crappy situation for all invovled.

Did your son try for custody since he did not want a divorce and she cheated? I know it would not be a guarantee but I have a female client who cheated and lost custody of her daughter.

I wondered that too Personally, I would have a hard time thinking kids are better off living with a parent who thinks so little of them and wants instant gratification for her own needs so much that she had an affair and put her kids through the turmoil of dealing with the fallout that would cause in their family.

 

[Patience]

Did your son have a lawyer? I ask because child support is based upon a formula in NC that takes into account the incomes of each parent, the number of children, the cost of health insurance and the cost of work-related child care. If he consulted with a lawyer at the very beginning of the separation, the lawyer would have been able to calculate his child support obligation before your son signed a lease on a new place. It's a good idea to at least pay for a consultation with an attorney before taking on new financial obligations after a separation. As many have said, the same income the parties had during their marriage now has to stretch to cover two separate costs of living. There's nothing mysterious about this. Everyone gets poorer when there is a divorce.

And, OP, you probably won't get any sympathy about your son not having time or money for a social life. He will have plenty of time to himself during the week while his children are with their mother. Even if he works a lot, his evenings after work will be free of child care responsiblities. He won't have to help with homework, cook dinner for the kids, pack lunches, lay out their clothes for school the next day, bathe the children each night, read to them before bed and log it into their reading logs for school, take them to soccer or ballet after working all day, etc., etc., etc., He may not have a lot of money to afford a social life and his every other weekend will be taken up with the children but he will probably have a lot more free time than the children's mother, especially if she also works.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Did your son have a lawyer? I ask because child support is based upon a formula in NC that takes into account the incomes of each parent, the number of children, the cost of health insurance and the cost of work-related child care. If he consulted with a lawyer at the very beginning of the separation, the lawyer would have been able to calculate his child support obligation before your son signed a lease on a new place. It's always best to at least pay for a consultation with an attorney before taking on new financial obligations after a separation. As many have said, the same income the parties had during their marriage now has to stretch to cover two separate costs of living. There's nothing mysterious about this. Everyone gets poorer when there is a divorce.

And, OP, you probably won't get any sympathy about your son not having time or money for a social life. He WILL have plenty of time to himself during the week while his children are with their mother. His evenings will be free of child care responsiblities. He won't have to help with homework, cook dinner for the kids, pack lunches, lay out their clothes for school the next day, bathe the children each night, read to them before bed and log it into their reading logs for school, take them to soccer or ballet after working all day, etc., etc., etc., He may not have a lot of money to afford a social life and his every other weekend will be taken up with the children but he will have a lot more free time than the children's mother, especially if she also works.

Not to mention, that he only has to do about 25% of his kids' laundry (assuming he washes what they wear at his house while he has them and that he has them EVERY weekend). He's not scrambling to find childcare, or pay for a sitter, when kids are sick on school days, staying up at night with a sick child on a work night, etc.

and OP, I am truly extremely sorry about your loss of your husband. I know I would be totally devastated if I lost my husband. I cannot even imagine the level of grief that would cause. I am so sorry you are living with that. It must be hard on your adult son to have lost his dad, too.

I can understand that your son grieving could make everything just feel worse to him right now. That would be normal.

I do think, however, it would be a good idea to stop trying to link his ability to care for and be responsible for his young children to the loss of his dad. Most adults have to take care of their children without relying on their parents to help financially, and many do it without emotional support from parents either. He is an adult and HIS kids are the little ones now, little ones who rely on him for support, love, attention, etc. The way you keep bringing up your husband's loss/his father's loss, makes me think that he is perhaps getting into a pattern of using that as a crutch or reason to not be able to do what he should, or to garner sympathy for his situation in the divorce/as a father--and the two are really not related.

 

[EnduringWone]

In TN, they have a very fair way of figuring CS. My BIL only has to pay for one of his four kids so I'm sure he is thrilled about his timing in choosing divorce.

How is it fair for him to pay CS for only one of his four kids??

 

[EnduringWone]

Don't get me wrong he is very willing to pay child support he just wasn't expecting it to be so much. Trust me he wants to be the best Dad he can be. He just rented a house so both kids could have their own room when they stay with him now he's afraid he can't afford it. Plus we are still dealing with the death of my husband (his father) 7 months ago. I know all you single Moms have a different point of view but, my DS is trying to do the right thing he is just really worried about surviving on what money he has left.

He could get another job.

My husband was custodial (they are grown now) and there were times he worked three jobs to support his three children, while the mother went without paying most of the time. She would let it just pile up in arrearage and just before court she would pay most of it off and it would begin all over again.

 

[EnduringWone]

He works about 55-60 hours a week now. So it might be hard for him. I know I opened a can of worms here and everybody wants to say just shut up and take care of your children. It's just hard for me as his Mother we have had so much to deal with this past year. His Dad was only 50 when he died.

I am sorry for your loss.

Your son may be going through a tough time, but he will adjust.

Hugs

 

[EnduringWone]

Divorce and child support/parenting plans aren't fun for any involved people also seem to jump on the " dead beat dad" band wagon so quickly. My only experiences have been quite the opposite , With dead beat moms- so i guess I've never understood this . My own dad raised us without any help of any kind from my mother. My DH and I have always had our older kids full time, and never got the child support their bio mom owed. Even with the courts and support enforcement we only got a fraction of the funds owed- we ended up paying our attorney more in fees than we received, what a headache.

There are great dads out there, I wish your son the best and hope he's able to adjust and keep the rental for his kiddos.

My husband was homeless with his three children when they were toddlers. Mom lived in a three bedroom, two bath house with engineer boyfriend and could afford payments on a Mustang GTS but not child support, which was 287 for three kids and her boyfriend paid for her essentials and more.

 

[EnduringWone]

What else could it mean?

For either parent? Not limited to Dads. I've known 3 dads who never complained. Both also went above and beyond for their kids.

Did your son try for custody since he did not want a divorce and she cheated? I know it would not be a guarantee but I have a female client who cheated and lost custody of her daughter.

There are both men and women that pay a ridiculous amount of child support and they have a right to complain.

 

[MariDisney]

He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.

Working and being with your kids if you have them is pretty much the definition of life as a grown up.

 

[MariDisney]

He works about 55-60 hours a week now. So it might be hard for him. I know I opened a can of worms here and everybody wants to say just shut up and take care of your children. It's just hard for me as his Mother we have had so much to deal with this past year. His Dad was only 50 when he died.

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. Please accept my condolences. I'm sure that is making every emotion even harder to deal with. I'm sure your son will find away to meet his responsibilities to his children and manage a decent situation for himself as well. It might take some doing, but if he's an upstanding guy he can do it.

 

[Iforgetmypassword]

All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life.

Me too, and I'm not divorced. Being with my kids IS my life.

 

[emma'smom]

So, and I really mean this just as a question---not meant to be loaded, if the father is the sole income and there is a divorce, he is legally obligated to give the kids the same lifestyle they had previously for two households? In other words, is he expected to basically keep his ex-wife in the same level house, car, pool memberships, etc because he shares custody with her and the kids might use those things on her days?

What happens when one income doesn't support two households...but the father is obligated to support this as the sole-income of the original marriage?

He is not going to be able to have the same lifestyle he did when he was married. That is one of the things that come with divorce. Even if the mother works they are now supporting the kids and two households with the same income. Living expenses go up when you divide the household. That's the way it works.

 

[sunnyday123]

He lives in North Carolina I'm not sure how they figure the amount but, he is really going to have a hard time. Plus the fact I live in Florida and he is pretty much by himself there. All he does is work and every day off he gets the kids so he feels like he had no life. I know divorce is hard on everyone but its breaking my heart to see him suffer.

Geez, he has to provide for his children and see them every day. My heart is breaking for him too.

Que the tiny violins.

 

[punkin]

My husband was homeless with his three children when they were toddlers. Mom lived in a three bedroom, two bath house with engineer boyfriend and could afford payments on a Mustang GTS but not child support, which was 287 for three kids and her boyfriend paid for her essentials and more.

There are pigs of both genders.

 

[Luv'sTink]

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

We ALL complain about things we have to pay for, everyone would like to have more money, that is life. I would love to not pay the power bill, but I do, and I enjoy the warmth when the heat kicks on.

I don't know why people are attacking YOU (especially the two that cant seem to leave you alone in this thread), you are not responsible to pay the child support or make your GROWN child pay the support. You also have the right to feel sorry for your child. Sounds like he is doing the right thing in supporting them, even though some on this thread already have him not paying child support or supporting his children in any way.

I get tired of laundry, dishes and so on and yes, sometimes I even complain about it, imagine that! I will take time to adjust, hopefully for the kids, you and your son, it will all work out to a new normal very soon.

Edited to add; My $3.79 a month child support didn't pay for much and I was making minimum wage, so don't even go there.

 

[Marionnette]

OP, I have sympathy for your son to a point. My brother has been divorced for 3 years and under similar circumstances. He isn't happy about paying child support and he questions where the money goes all of the time. I've told him time and time again to just let it go. There's nothing he can do about it and he will be a happier person if he doesn't dwell on it.

Your son's first obligation is to his children and then to himself. It was great that he wanted to rent a place that would allow the kids to each have their own room when they are with him. But he should have made sure that he could afford it before he signed on the dotted line. Live and learn. Pay the price for your mistakes and move on.

He may not feel that he has a life because his days off will now be spent with the kids. Well, the ex has them all of the other times...for homework battles and day-to-day problems. She has to get them up and out the door every school morning and she has to come home from work and get a meal in their stomachs without getting a moment to herself. There's no tag team parenting going on when you're a single parent. He gets to be the fun parent who takes them to the movies, or roller skating or other weekend activities.

There's no doubt about it. Divorce sucks. But the most innocent casualties of divorce should not be the ones who are made to suffer the most. Your son needs to adjust to his new reality just like the kids do. And while I understand you're hurting for him, adjusting his budget is going to be his problem.

 

[2forMe]

Does he not have 50/50 custody? That seems to be the norm here and consequently affects the amount of child support...and of course provides more time with the kids.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Does he not have 50/50 custody? That seems to be the norm here and consequently affects the amount of child support...and of course provides more time with the kids.

I'm a fan of this. I like for the parents to switch off weeks or some other form where they each get to spend equal time with their kids. If each parent has the child an equal amount of time, then they are both equally responsible for providing for the child both emotionally and financially and no child support should end up needing to be paid.