Child-free, but not by choice?

[hematite153]

Hi hematite153.......Don't you just hate that darned 36 hours!! I know I did!! Too bad we can't make up our own protocols huh!!

Yep! Well, my dr has convinced me that I should trust the bloodwork timing. We'll see how long it lasts this time. I do trust her more than the others, so let's hope. She's putting me on drugs (early stages yet I know but I'm afraid to hope too much) and has also added orders to trigger ovulation if my follicles are large enough to be viable and I'm not triggering yet. That ought to help the timing issue.

 

[hematite153]

"Never mind, if it doesn’t work, I know of someone who conceived naturally after 5 failed cycles"

Nennie--thanks for the laugh. They aren't funny when they happen but somehow they sound funny when compiled together. Why isn't it obvious that you shouldn't say these things!?!

I do chuckle when people tell me, "it'll probably happen when you give up trying". If I give up trying, it's not possible for me to get pregnant!

“Maybe God didn’t mean for you to have children” – Ouch! Would you ever tell someone with cancer, that maybe God meant for them to die?

Believe it or not, I've heard people say this to people with cancer too. Religion is important to me but this kind of interpretation drives me batty!

Don’t talk about how easy it was for you to get pregnant
"I can't believe I got pregnant so easily" – And this is supposed to help me how?

I've had a couple of friends who got pregnant very easily. Yes, it's hard. However, one of them spent her whole pregnancy avoiding me because she was afraid of making me feel bad. That was even harder. Yes, I don't want to celebrate for strangers but I also want to enjoy my friends' happiness.

 

[mking624]

People have said that to me,but I don't know... I guess I was *lucky* enough to get pregnant twice, the two times I actually tried, I got pregnant, but to lose a pregnancy is just, ughh I can't even explain...
The RN at my MD keeps saying "just be glad you can get pregnant, my DIL has been though so much and 2 years and can't even get pregnant" I don't know, that kinda doesn't take the fact away that I lost 2 babies
It makes me crazy with each time I get pregnant, I already have the thought in my head that I will lose it. I've been having heart palpatations, I can't sleep, I think about being preg. again and my heart races. I'm sure my insuarnace would cover whatever it takes, but the emotional, mental thing will always get in the way of any joy until I'm holding my own baby...
Good luck to you though, I hope it will happen for you

I'm with you on this. I went through a miscarriage in August 2005, and was told by several people "at least you can get pregnant". It felt like my loss was turned into some sort of "trial pregnancy"...a test run, if you will. I'd rather not get pregnant ever then to get pregnant and then have that child die. The hopes are briefly lifted only to be crushed. It was the only time I've been pregnant. The thought of actually getting pregnant now terrifies me because I've already experienced one loss. I mean I want to get pregnant, but am scared of it at the same time because I know what happened the last time. Such a hard place to be.

All that said, both situations of never getting pregnant and getting pregnant but miscarrying are so incredibly hard and there really is no comparison...each person only understands the pain they have experienced and it's just horrible.

 

[hematite153]

Also joining in...
I just had 2 miscarriages in a row. One in Dec at 10 weeks and one in Feb. at 5 weeks.

Ouch!

 

[hematite153]

As for testing results.... I find that the norm is to say things along the lines of, "come back tomorrow for bloodwork" rather than to say "your progesterone level is XX". Yes, I don't have their background with the numbers so I need the interpretation but I have learned a lot from insisting on the numbers.

I wrote a request for the actual numbers on every form and piece of paper, plus called them back if they left a message about treatment without including information about the specific results. Three years after we began this process they now tell me the levels automatically. I'm sure it means they've added a note to my file about me being high maintenance but, if they give me the info I'm fine with that.

 

[DznyLvr2005]

As for testing results.... I find that the norm is to say things along the lines of, "come back tomorrow for bloodwork" rather than to say "your progesterone level is XX". Yes, I don't have their background with the numbers so I need the interpretation but I have learned a lot from insisting on the numbers.

I wrote a request for the actual numbers on every form and piece of paper, plus called them back if they left a message about treatment without including information about the specific results. Three years after we began this process they now tell me the levels automatically. I'm sure it means they've added a note to my file about me being high maintenance but, if they give me the info I'm fine with that.

These days, Im constantly researching what's right and what levels are supposed to be and then when I go in and demand things from the MD, he looks at me like I'm crazy. BUt I'm only trying to figure things out for myself. I know that a level of 2 (progesterone) is not right in any means. Though he didn't seem to concerned This was with my last pregnancy that ended at 5 weeks. I only just found out I was pregnant 3 days before I miscarried. I knew something wasn't right because I took a home test and it was faintly positive. The test done in the MDs office came out negative. My HCG was only 24.
I always do the Basal Body Temps... Mine are usually about 97.3 pre ov. to the highest at about 98.4. I think that's low. Even when I was preg. my temp never got over 98.5. Low temps indicates low progesterone.
My cousins wife had 3 miscarriages until they figured out that her progesterone was low. After she got pregnant a 4th time, they immediately put her on Progesterone and now she has 3 kids.
I'm worried this is the case with me and if they only just checked my levels they would see without me having all these miscarriages!!!!!

I feel like I could be a doctor by now with all the research I've done!

 

[hematite153]

These days, Im constantly researching what's right and what levels are supposed to be and then when I go in and demand things from the MD, he looks at me like I'm crazy. ...
I feel like I could be a doctor by now with all the research I've done!

It definitely sounds like you need to find a fertility expert. They are worth long drives if necessary--at least for the work-up.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

People have said that to me,but I don't know... I guess I was *lucky* enough to get pregnant twice, the two times I actually tried, I got pregnant, but to lose a pregnancy is just, ughh I can't even explain...
The RN at my MD keeps saying "just be glad you can get pregnant, my DIL has been though so much and 2 years and can't even get pregnant" I don't know, that kinda doesn't take the fact away that I lost 2 babies
It makes me crazy with each time I get pregnant, I already have the thought in my head that I will lose it. I've been having heart palpatations, I can't sleep, I think about being preg. again and my heart races. I'm sure my insuarnace would cover whatever it takes, but the emotional, mental thing will always get in the way of any joy until I'm holding my own baby...
Good luck to you though, I hope it will happen for you

I certainly didn't mean to offend you by saying that . It is like mking624 said, each way is incredibly hard, and there is no comparison, and both ways are horrible, but at least I would know that my body is doing some things that it is supposed to. As I am experiencing IF, I don't even know if my body is doing what it is supposed to. I don't know if my AF is really a true AF or just bleeding, I don't know if I am ovulating, I don't know anything anymore, it is frustrating and it is like an alien that has invaded my life.

Certanly my heart goes out to you , because I just couldn't imagine the pain of losing a child at any stage of life. Believe me, I know about the emotional, mental thing, I'm just waiting for someone to try to commit me soon.

We are both suffering the same thing in different ways.

Suzanne

 

[Nennie]

Mary and Jamie -- I'm so glad that you've found us!!! This is a great group of ladies, who have all been there!!

Mary -- Have they tried a long term Lupron protocol for your endo? You've probably already tried it, but I'm just throwing it out there! Sometimes I think I'm an RE, and try to diagnose everyone, so look out! LOL!! I KWYM about the pain of not being pregnant vs the pain of m/c. They both suck quite frankly. Best of luck to you!

Jamie -- There's a part of me that's scared to get pregnant again too, but I'm also scared to stop trying, so I'm giving it another go. I was supposed to cycle this month, but I got cancelled do to hyperstimming, so I'm waiting to AF to try one more time. I've had quite a few "one more times" though! P.S. Are you seeing an RE or regular Gyn? I got the feeling from one of your posts that it was a regular gyn (b/c he didn't test your P4)?

Hematite -- Be high maintenance!! The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so they say! Besides they are making lots of money off you, so make them work for it! LOL!

Suzanne -- gotta love the people who tell us we're lucky not to have kids. If they don't know my struggle, I pretend that they are right, and that I'm some world traveller who doesn't have the time for a family. If they only knew!

I know I missed a few people...I promise to catch up though!!

 

[aclov]

I have been really thinking about not being able to get preg lately because of a recent episode of Paula's Party (Paula Deen) where she brought out her grandson and doted about how wonderful it was to be a grandmother, of course if you could have seen the look on my mother's face, I had a hard time holding back the tears (as I am trying to do now, just thinking about it). It is so hard knowing how much I am disappointing her and how much she wants a grandchild

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like such a disappointment because my mom really wants a grandchild and I know it would mean the world to her. My younger brother has a son but he went through a nasty divorce and his ex-wife moved to another state and won't let him see him. He pays child support and has absolutely no rights. It's heartbreaking because we are all missing out on seeing him but it especially tears my mother apart. She crys so much for him. And I want to give her a grandchild to take away some of that pain. Today, she told me that she's come to the conclusion that she will never have a grandbaby. Than I got upset at her because I saw she had a bag of baby stuff and I told her not to be buying anything because she was going to jinx me. I know that's crazy but going through all this I'm even supersticious. I know a baby would bring us so much joy and my parents would be thrilled. It hurts so much

 

[aclov]

DH and I went to RE this afternoon and have decided to go for round 3 of IVF. He's changing the protocol to Follistum and Repronex. I was on Menupur the 1st round and Lupron the 2nd. He seemed optimistic but than again he always is and I guess it's his profession to be. I'm done with AF this month so next month when I get it I will start BCP. Ugh, I just hope this time is a BFP

 

[Nennie]

DH and I went to RE this afternoon and have decided to go for round 3 of IVF. He's changing the protocol to Follistum and Repronex. I was on Menupur the 1st round and Lupron the 2nd. He seemed optimistic but than again he always is and I guess it's his profession to be. I'm done with AF this month so next month when I get it I will start BCP. Ugh, I just hope this time is a BFP

Best of luck to you!! I'm glad to hear about the change in protocol, it's always good to try something different. I figure if nothing else, a change gives me a mental edge, b/c it's not the same old thing again! We're rooting for you!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

[/QUOTE]I know exactly how you feel. I feel like such a disappointment because my mom really wants a grandchild and I know it would mean the world to her. My younger brother has a son but he went through a nasty divorce and his ex-wife moved to another state and won't let him see him. He pays child support and has absolutely no rights. It's heartbreaking because we are all missing out on seeing him but it especially tears my mother apart. She crys so much for him. And I want to give her a grandchild to take away some of that pain. Today, she told me that she's come to the conclusion that she will never have a grandbaby. Than I got upset at her because I saw she had a bag of baby stuff and I told her not to be buying anything because she was going to jinx me. I know that's crazy but going through all this I'm even supersticious. I know a baby would bring us so much joy and my parents would be thrilled. It hurts so much[/QUOTE]

My heart goes out to you, and your mother, but that comment was uncalled for (I know it is hard for her to in her own way, just as it is for my mother). I have let my mother have it on at least one occasion. Believe me, You aren't jinxing yourself, I still buy the occasional baby item and just add it to my box.

Actually your brother and your mother do have rights, especially since he pays his child support. There are many men out there that don't pay chld dupport, but they get their rights to see their children (I don't agree with that, but it happens). I know that he would have to go to a lawyer and possibly the courts, but fathers and grandparents have rights. Your ex-SIL has no right to keep the child from your family. My mother and I went to a lawyer after her baby sister died and left a 5 year old DD to try to get custody of her instead of her going to her father (he is a whole other story). Her mother wanted me to raise her if anything ever happened to her (I'm 17 years older), but she never made a will, so only if he had abused her, could I try to get custody of her. Thank God, several years and many heartbreaks later, he lets us see her again (she is now 16 and looks dead on like her DM). The lawyer did tell us, even that long ago that grandparents have alot of rights. I remember how much my grandmother cried for this grandchild (she was a miracle child in several different ways). I know she is looking down from heaven and is very proud of her, I know I am (she is such a beautiful young lady, so much like her DM).

I am a child of divorce (my father(if you can call him that) put my mother out of her house and set my crib in the front yard (I was 9 months old) and it is very hard, luckily I was a baby when it happened and my father stayed away most of my life. He came to see me when I was 17 and tried to tell me how my mother wouldn't let him see me, which wasn't true. My mom never berated him in front of me and let me form my own opinion about him, but one time he started to say untrue things about my mom and I didn't hesitate to set him straight, well of course I haven't seen him since and that was 16 years ago. I have forgiven him and forgotten him, although I do have half siblings that I would like to meet, but I dont think about it that much. Now as an adult, I remember having such a wonderful childhood, and I want that for my child.

Good Luck and let me know how things turn out.

I have a shoulder and know how to use it, if any of you ever need one.

Suzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

DH and I went to RE this afternoon and have decided to go for round 3 of IVF. He's changing the protocol to Follistum and Repronex. I was on Menupur the 1st round and Lupron the 2nd. He seemed optimistic but than again he always is and I guess it's his profession to be. I'm done with AF this month so next month when I get it I will start BCP. Ugh, I just hope this time is a BFP

I'm so glad to hear this. After talking to everyone here, I wish I had the nerve and the money to try again.

A little cheering for your next round.

Break a leg

Suzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I have been really thinking about not being able to get preg lately because of a recent episode of Paula's Party (Paula Deen) where she brought out her grandson and doted about how wonderful it was to be a grandmother, of course if you could have seen the look on my mother's face, I had a hard time holding back the tears (as I am trying to do now, just thinking about it). It is so hard knowing how much I am disappointing her and how much she wants a grandchild

I know exactly how you feel. I feel like such a disappointment because my mom really wants a grandchild and I know it would mean the world to her. My younger brother has a son but he went through a nasty divorce and his ex-wife moved to another state and won't let him see him. He pays child support and has absolutely no rights. It's heartbreaking because we are all missing out on seeing him but it especially tears my mother apart. She crys so much for him. And I want to give her a grandchild to take away some of that pain. Today, she told me that she's come to the conclusion that she will never have a grandbaby. Than I got upset at her because I saw she had a bag of baby stuff and I told her not to be buying anything because she was going to jinx me. I know that's crazy but going through all this I'm even supersticious. I know a baby would bring us so much joy and my parents would be thrilled. It hurts so much

My heart goes out to you, and your mother, but that comment was uncalled for (I know it is hard for her to in her own way, just as it is for my mother). I have let my mother have it on at least one occasion. Believe me, You aren't jinxing yourself, I still buy the occasional baby item and just add it to my box.

Actually your brother and your mother do have rights, especially since he pays his child support. There are many men out there that don't pay chld dupport, but they get their rights to see their children (I don't agree with that, but it happens). I know that he would have to go to a lawyer and possibly the courts, but fathers and grandparents have rights. Your ex-SIL has no right to keep the child from your family. My mother and I went to a lawyer after her baby sister died and left a 5 year old DD to try to get custody of her instead of her going to her father (he is a whole other story). Her mother wanted me to raise her if anything ever happened to her (I'm 17 years older), but she never made a will, so only if he had abused her, could I try to get custody of her. Thank God, several years and many heartbreaks later, he lets us see her again (she is now 16 and looks dead on like her DM). The lawyer did tell us, even that long ago that grandparents have alot of rights. I remember how much my grandmother cried for this grandchild (she was a miracle child in several different ways). I know she is looking down from heaven and is very proud of her, I know I am (she is such a beautiful young lady, so much like her DM).

I am a child of divorce (my father(if you can call him that) put my mother out of her house and set my crib in the front yard (I was 9 months old) and it is very hard, luckily I was a baby when it happened and my father stayed away most of my life. He came to see me when I was 17 and tried to tell me how my mother wouldn't let him see me, which wasn't true. My mom never berated him in front of me and let me form my own opinion about him, but one time he started to say untrue things about my mom and I didn't hesitate to set him straight, well of course I haven't seen him since and that was 16 years ago. I have forgiven him and forgotten him, although I do have half siblings that I would like to meet, but I dont think about it that much. Now as an adult, I remember having such a wonderful childhood, and I want that for my child.

Good Luck and let me know how things turn out.

I have a shoulder and know how to use it, if any of you ever need one.

Suzanne

 

[hematite153]

Hematite -- Be high maintenance!! The squeaky wheel gets the grease, so they say! Besides they are making lots of money off you, so make them work for it! LOL!

Thanks Nennie! Overall, after being part of this thread I'm feeling pretty lucky. We had a back-up when my DW couldn't get pregnant. My tests say that I should be able to get pregnant. Our basic health benefits include the full work-up and testing along the way. Our drug-plan has so far covered all of the drugs we've used (even though they do so with a disclaimer that they are not promising to cover it in the future). And, I'm working with a fertility clinic that has some of the best numbers (read cycles with live births) in the continent.

Nonetheless, we've been working on "the baby thing" (as one of my friends says it) for over 3 years without success. I'm hoping that by 'talking' to each other we can add the probability together and get some pregnancies!

 

[R Dog Walt]

Hi! I posted here a couple weeks ago and then dropped off the face of the earth. No actually, we headed to WDW for a week at BCV and then it's taken me a week to catch up with things. Boy, this thread has gotten chatty!

My heart does go out to all of you. IF is definitely NOT a struggle I wish on anybody.

aclov- I'm so happy that you're getting started again! This is so exciting. I'm glad that your RE continues to change your protocol. I think this helps- to know you're doing everything possible. When do you anticipate the ER and ET will be- sometime in May or early June I'm guessing.

Princess Suzanne- You mentioned possibly ovulating before they actually do the IUI. Does your RE have you do Lupron with your IUIs? I did 6 last year and I was always on Lupron (which seems kind of unusual compared to other women on other sites) which prevented me from ovulating before the trigger. Maybe you're already doing this... If not, it's an idea maybe.

Hematite- I agree with the others. Continue to be high maintenence! I also think that the longer you've been with a clinic, the more aggressive and responsive they tend to be. My clinic, I think, really wants DP and I out of there! No, actually they're really nice, but I think they really want success for us- especially after both of us have so MANY issues!

Everyone else- hi!!

So, we had a great trip to WDW. We got the dining plan which was SO much food, but we got to spend like $120 for a dinner for two at many of the premium restaurants at EPCOT, etc. which we never do especially since TTC.

The real world has been kind of hard to get back to. I'm a teacher so I came back to talk in the teacher's lounge about C-sections and pregnancy. Yay! I'm totally staying out of there!

My cycle is getting closer. But it seems like forever until our DEFET in June!!! Luckily, the week before is another trip to WDW so that will keep me busy!

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I was really touched by everyone's post. I too am childless, but not by choice. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and we have had 4 pregnancies, and no children yet. I have no probelm getting pregnant, but I can't carry them. Most of my MC happened at around 12-13 weeks. My third pregnancy I made it all the way to 21 weeks, when on 12/31/2004, my water broke. I gave birth to a stillborn boy who only weighed 12 oz. he was the most precious thing I had ever seen in my life. I miss him everyday. I pray for all of us out there who want the joy of a child in their lives. We went to Disney last September and did have a great time, but the only thing I kept thinking the whole time I was there, was I hope I get to bring my baby here someday. God bless you all and keep trying.

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

Hi, I'm sorry, I needed to post again. I have decided to try one more time and then I think that is it. Emotionally I just don't know if I can do it again. It is so hard and I just can't go through the physical and mental pain anymore. I would happily adopt, BUT, it is really expensive and my husband and I don't make enough. I think it is a shame that they charge so much for adoption and IVF, there are so many children out there who need good homes, but a lot of people can't afford it. We are also going through a lot with my husbands ex right now. I hate to talk bad about anyone, but, she is just a horrible person, and the biggest liar I ever met. She was outraged after him and I met and got married, and yes they were broken up at the time, so it's not like we had cheated or went behind her back. She then started to play the game with his 2 kids. No you can't see them, I need you to watch them so I can go out, you know how it is. Eventually she got full custody and moved to Fl with them. We haven't seen them in 2 years. I finally found her through the internet and I sent her a message asking if we could get visitation and see the kids in the summer time. My husband pays $500 a month childsupport for them. She wrote me back and said the kids don't want anything to do with them, that he mentally abused them, and all this other crap. It is a real unfortunate situation, because my husband is a great father. He loved those kids so much, and they loved him. They used to sneak around our apartment so they could see my husband. If the kids didnt want to see thier father, they wouldn't have come to visit him. We fought her long and hard to have the rights to see them, but for some reason she always would win. I know that she is brainwashing them, and I just think that is a horrible thing to do. We were thinking about getting a lawyer down in Florida to fight for us, but again, money is a big issue for us. I just hate that because she is jealous, she is making his kids suffer. This really makes me upset because I want a child so bad and yet God would give this unstable person 2 children. I know life is not fair, but seriously, when are all of us gonna catch a break here. I am so stressed about this. I don't want my husbands kids to hate him because of her.

 

[want2bamommy]

Hi Ladies!! I just wanted to share my latest Dos and Don'ts list!! I just posted it on the CB in the hopes that it might help someone!! Be back in a bit with personals, as I want to catch up with all of you!



Things NOT to say to someone who is suffering from Infertility:

Urban Legends

“I know of someone who found out she was pregnant right before they started their IVF" – I’m here, now, doing this cycle, knowing that someone else made it happen without doing IVF is really not helping me now.

"Never mind, if it doesn’t work, I know of someone who conceived naturally after 5 failed cycles" – that one really doesn’t help! I’m going through a cycle right now and I need to focus on the positive effect this might have on my life.

"You must be having lots of fun trying!" – Actually there's almost no sex involved. There’s really nothing fun or sexy about lying on a hospital bed, surrounded by a team of physicians and nurses.

“You should adopt, then you’ll get pregnant right away” – There’s no correlation between adopting, and having a biological child. If I adopt, it will be because I want to adopt, not because I’m secretly hoping that the stars will align and I will end up getting pregnant.

Religious Issues

“Maybe God didn’t mean for you to have children” – Ouch! Would you ever tell someone with cancer, that maybe God meant for them to die?

"Don't you feel like you are playing God?" – When someone we love gets sick we don’t ask if treating it is questioning god’s will, so why should we raise this question treating infertility?

“I’m morally opposed to fertility treatment” – Good for you. You don’t need to share that with me though, and definitely not while I am in the middle of treatment.

"Oh I could never do that" – aren’t you lucky you don’t have too!

Don’t talk about how easy it was for you to get pregnant

"I can't believe I got pregnant so easily" – And this is supposed to help me how?

"I forgot to take my pill yesterday; I hope I’m not pregnant" – And you are sharing this with me because?

“My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant, maybe you should borrow him for the night” - Uh, no thanks.

“Are you sure your doing it right?” – Gee, you are so funny.

“Here, you can just have one of my kids” – The next time someone says this to me, I might just grab their kid, hop in my car and drive off, just to prove what a heartless comment that is.

Being flippant about how easy it is for you to get pregnant isn't really helpful when we're in the middle of paying a fortune to be injected with hormones that make us feel awful, then having invasive procedures, not knowing if this will be successful. Please keep your pregnancy stories to yourself until we're pregnant too.

Other Don'ts

Don’t call everyday with a "Sooooo....any news?" – When I have good news, I’ll tell you. This is too much pressure.

"Don't be so touchy" – I’m on an overdose of hormones, of course I’m touchy!

"Things could be worse"- Of course things could always be worse, but that doesn’t really help right now.

When it doesn’t work

"You could always adopt" – that's not really the point and I might not be ready for adoption yet. When said in a flippant way, this comment also makees it seem like the local authority is just handing children out like sweets.

"So what did you do wrong?" – I’m under enough pressure without thinking that this is my fault (actually I probably do think it’s my fault, but I don’t need anyone to add to that feeling).

"There is more to life than children" - that may well be true but at the moment it really does not feel like it for us

So what should you say?

"How are you?" – Much better than ‘So, are you pregnant yet?’ which is a very directional question. Sometimes we don’t want to talk about it and ‘how are you’ gives us the option.

"Is there anything I can do?" – There probably isn’t anything you can do but it’s nice to have the offer.

"Can I get you some tissues?" – IVF is emotional in itself, and with the added hormones running round the system we are almost certain to cry at some point.

“I’m here if you want to talk about it” – Knowing that you are willing to listen means so much to me.

"Hug?" – my personal favorite!

Nennie,

Thank you for posting those!! I just love them!!!

Missie