Child-free, but not by choice?

[want2bamommy]

Suzanne, I share your frustration with this one. I'm reasonably confident that I am ovulating too quickly for the clinic to catch it. My temperature charting shows a dip on the SAME morning that the blood test shows a surge. They then do the IUI the next day--a whole 36 hours after the clue that is supposed to be too late to properly catch ovulation.

I've talked to many of the drs in the clinic and they always manage to convince me that the temperature dip is less indicative than the LH surge and that ovulation happens after the LH surge. Yet, every time the IUI doesn't work (and I bleed an exact 14 days after the temperature dip) I start questioning them again.

I have an appt this afternoon with my dr--she got called to the ER and had to cancel on me two weeks ago--so I'm going to try discussing this with her. For some reason I trust her more than the others. Although my hormone levels surprised us by being good, I do have fibro and it means that many things in my body work just slightly differently from the norm. She tends to be more willing to assume that individuals work differently and have to be adjusted to than the other drs in the clinic. Wish me luck!

Hematite,

Just wanted to wish you lots of luck!!!!

Missie

 

[want2bamommy]

Hello Ladies, How is your day going.


I don't even feel like a woman much anymore. TMI!!!!! I could care less if I ever have sex again. I want to feel normal again . I want to have a little bit of hope again. I have a bedroom completely full of baby clothes, crib and matching cradle, toys, books, top of the line stroller with matching infant car seat, a car seat for a larger child, and lots of other stuff, all I need is a baby , well and some diapers and wipes . I finally got up the nerve to box up the clothes and I try to avoid going in that room (it was my room when I was a baby until I turned 5 and we moved to my grandmother's house).

Sorry I'm ranting, back to reality and I must get back to work now.

Suzanne

Suzanne,

I am so sorry!!! I have been there to a small degree before. For awhile I too was buying stuff for the baby and then my husband said something like "what are you going to do if we don't ever have a baby?" It hit me like a brick and after digging further he was upset that we've been unsuccessful and he didn't want to look at the room everyday. I know you have been through a lot but I hope you have some hope left! We are all here for you!

Missie

 

[want2bamommy]

DH and I went to RE this afternoon and have decided to go for round 3 of IVF. He's changing the protocol to Follistum and Repronex. I was on Menupur the 1st round and Lupron the 2nd. He seemed optimistic but than again he always is and I guess it's his profession to be. I'm done with AF this month so next month when I get it I will start BCP. Ugh, I just hope this time is a BFP

Aclov,

I hope that this 3rd round of IVF yields you a BFP!!! Maybe the new protocol will help out. Be sure to keep us posted if you can. A friend of mine from another board just finished her first round of IVF (with ICSI, I think those are the right letters). Her hubby has a minimal sperm count and this procedure with IVF is supposed to be their best bet.

Missie

 

[want2bamommy]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I was really touched by everyone's post. I too am childless, but not by choice. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and we have had 4 pregnancies, and no children yet. I have no probelm getting pregnant, but I can't carry them. Most of my MC happened at around 12-13 weeks. My third pregnancy I made it all the way to 21 weeks, when on 12/31/2004, my water broke. I gave birth to a stillborn boy who only weighed 12 oz. he was the most precious thing I had ever seen in my life. I miss him everyday. I pray for all of us out there who want the joy of a child in their lives. We went to Disney last September and did have a great time, but the only thing I kept thinking the whole time I was there, was I hope I get to bring my baby here someday. God bless you all and keep trying.

I am so sorry to hear of your losses! Have you been tested for low Progesterone? I know of a few women that have had multiple M/C's and they finally discovered that their low progesterone was a problem. Now they have progesterone supplements to take for the first few months (and those with PCOS take the Metformin for the first trimester too).

Good luck to you!

Missie

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

Hi Missie,
Thanks for the info. I know that I have been tested for a lot of things, some of which I can't even remember. I know that my doctor did talk about giving my progesterone shots once a week once I get to 16 weeks. I will ask them when I go in for another consult if they tested for this. Thanks again, any info I can get might narrow the problem down that much more for me. Thanks!

 

[want2bamommy]

Hi, I'm sorry, I needed to post again. I have decided to try one more time and then I think that is it. Emotionally I just don't know if I can do it again. It is so hard and I just can't go through the physical and mental pain anymore. I would happily adopt, BUT, it is really expensive and my husband and I don't make enough. I think it is a shame that they charge so much for adoption and IVF, there are so many children out there who need good homes, but a lot of people can't afford it. We are also going through a lot with my husbands ex right now. I hate to talk bad about anyone, but, she is just a horrible person, and the biggest liar I ever met. She was outraged after him and I met and got married, and yes they were broken up at the time, so it's not like we had cheated or went behind her back. She then started to play the game with his 2 kids. No you can't see them, I need you to watch them so I can go out, you know how it is. Eventually she got full custody and moved to Fl with them. We haven't seen them in 2 years. I finally found her through the internet and I sent her a message asking if we could get visitation and see the kids in the summer time. My husband pays $500 a month childsupport for them. She wrote me back and said the kids don't want anything to do with them, that he mentally abused them, and all this other crap. It is a real unfortunate situation, because my husband is a great father. He loved those kids so much, and they loved him. They used to sneak around our apartment so they could see my husband. If the kids didnt want to see thier father, they wouldn't have come to visit him. We fought her long and hard to have the rights to see them, but for some reason she always would win. I know that she is brainwashing them, and I just think that is a horrible thing to do. We were thinking about getting a lawyer down in Florida to fight for us, but again, money is a big issue for us. I just hate that because she is jealous, she is making his kids suffer. This really makes me upset because I want a child so bad and yet God would give this unstable person 2 children. I know life is not fair, but seriously, when are all of us gonna catch a break here. I am so stressed about this. I don't want my husbands kids to hate him because of her.

That is just awful for the children!!! How old are they? Hopefully when they are old enough (older teenagers) they will realize what is really going on and want to have a relationship with their father. I would have your DH call the house and ask to speak with them (then have the phone records proving that he's attempted the communication) and write them letters or send them cards, etc. They will see (if the Mom doesn't hide it from them) that their Dad does care about them and that he wants to be a part of their lives.

Good luck!!!

Missie

 

[R Dog Walt]

Mickey's Main Mami-

I'm so sorry! This sounds like an awful situation for both the kids and you and your husband. I can't imagine how he feels- helpless I guess. I can see how this could add a LOT of stress to your lives.

I also understand how expensive both IVF and adoption can be. We had to save a LOT before even trying. I'm scared to death that the fertility treatments won't work because what money will we have left to adopt???

Also- if it is progesterone, you want to DEFINITELY be on progesterone RIGHT AWAY with any pregnancy. I've been through 6 IUIs and 2 IVFs (never EVER even gotten pregnant) and have always been on progesterone for the cycles, and I don't have a problem with low progesterone.

 

[SumMickeyfans]

Mickey's Main Mami.....Your situation really is sad and I'm really Sorry Sounds like something we went through years ago with my d/h's ex I hope that this time things will work out for you and your family. You aren't kidding when you say that both adoption and IVF are EXPENSIVE...They are ridiculously expensive I mentioned earler that d/h and I had to sometimes wait a year between treatments to do another round of IVF!! I have 4 IVF's, and 2 D/E IVF's under my belt!!

Also- if it is progesterone, you want to DEFINITELY be on progesterone RIGHT AWAY with any pregnancy.

R Dog Walt....yup, I was always on Progesterone too...I took the shots...So much fun huh!!

 

[R Dog Walt]

R Dog Walt....yup, I was always on Progesterone too...I took the shots...So much fun huh!!

Luckily, I've only had to do the suppositories! The shots scare me (although with so many other shots under my belt, why should I care?). Not that the suppositories are too much fun... LOL

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I am so sorry to hear of your losses! Have you been tested for low Progesterone? I know of a few women that have had multiple M/C's and they finally discovered that their low progesterone was a problem. Now they have progesterone supplements to take for the first few months (and those with PCOS take the Metformin for the first trimester too).

Good luck to you!

Missie

Good Evening Everybody,

That was my thoughts exactly, I had to use the suppositories after each of my IUI's and would have stayed on it for about 8 weeks if I had a BFP, so I did some research on Progesterone and found out that women that took it for the whole pregnancy had smarter, healthier babies.

And with Metformin for PCOS, I have read that most women take it for the entire pregnancy to help prevent problems with Insulin Resistance and having it get out of control causing late pregnancy m/c's or premature birth.

R Dog Walt, no I never took Lupron with the IUI's and this is the first time I have heard of it being used for that reason. I have only heard of it being used before IVF. I had experience using it for male prostate cancer when I worked for a Urologist, that is when I first learned other uses for it, but never with IUI's. I don't think I ovulated not even with the trigger shots, though. The RE I went to wasn't much interested in getting to the bottom of the problem, he was about getting the money and seeing other women that could afford many multiple treatments, and I wasn't one of those. I was able to find out for the HSG that my right tube is blocked, my DH's count is extremely low (like 100,000 maybe), my right overy wouldn't produce follies with clomid, Oh and the kicker I can pay $10,000 for one round of IVF. That is a joke, where am I going to come up with that kind of money. I don't know what I am going to do. The only thing I am going right now is taking 1500mg's of Metformin, Vitex, Cinnamon, Yeast Fend, and of course Folic acid. I don't have the funds to try anything else right now and don't know when I will.

Mickey's Main Miami, I am so sorry to hear about your loses and your DH's ex is stupid , these children will remember that their father cares about them and it is going to come back to haunt her when they get older. They are not going to hate him. My cousin was taken from my life when she was 5 after her DM died, but she is now 16 and has ben back in our lives for a few years now, and of course she knows who really cares about her. So always remember that and, what goes around comes around.

I know whta you mean about IVF and adoption being expensive. My perspective is taht I can afford to raise the child, but I can't afford to do what it takes to bring it into the world. A friend of my DM's told me (jokingly) that if I divorced my DH then we would get pregnant. She was ranting about all of these young girls getting pregnant before getting married and how is is more prevelent than ever before. I know what she means, not just because I see it more now because I want one of my own, but because I work as a Medicaid Representative at a local hospital and we see alot of that. I think it is getting worse, alot of the girls I have seen in the hospital recently have been 14 and 15 years old. I saw a set of 15 year old twins had babies 22 days apart.

Missie, some days I have hope and somedays I don't and right now I don't have much. Everyone is talking about their treatments and I'm stuck in a rut right now. I haven't had AF since first of February, but of course got BFN weekend before last. I have had a little more insight since I have joined this group, but now I'm having some issues with my DH and I am at wits end. I can't seem to catch a break. My life is about everyone except me. My DH and DM seem to come before I do and neither of them will listen to me. I'm ready to scream stop and let this be about me for a little while, but no one is listening

Hello to everyone I may have missed and tomorrow is TGIF, I can't wait

Suzanne

 

[aclov]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I was really touched by everyone's post. I too am childless, but not by choice. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and we have had 4 pregnancies, and no children yet. I have no probelm getting pregnant, but I can't carry them. Most of my MC happened at around 12-13 weeks. My third pregnancy I made it all the way to 21 weeks, when on 12/31/2004, my water broke. I gave birth to a stillborn boy who only weighed 12 oz. he was the most precious thing I had ever seen in my life. I miss him everyday. I pray for all of us out there who want the joy of a child in their lives. We went to Disney last September and did have a great time, but the only thing I kept thinking the whole time I was there, was I hope I get to bring my baby here someday. God bless you all and keep trying.

I'm so sorry for your losses . I have two friends who have delivered stillborn babies - one does go to his grave but the other one doesn't. The one who doesn't isn't with the baby's father anymore and she has said that she believes in moving on. I guess everyone deals with their losses different. I'm glad that you found our thread

I've also taken progesterone -orally, ******lly and shots. I've done this after the IUI's and IVF's.

 

[aclov]

Hi Ladies!! I just wanted to share my latest Dos and Don'ts list!! I just posted it on the CB in the hopes that it might help someone!! Be back in a bit with personals, as I want to catch up with all of you!



Things NOT to say to someone who is suffering from Infertility:

Urban Legends

“I know of someone who found out she was pregnant right before they started their IVF" – I’m here, now, doing this cycle, knowing that someone else made it happen without doing IVF is really not helping me now.

"Never mind, if it doesn’t work, I know of someone who conceived naturally after 5 failed cycles" – that one really doesn’t help! I’m going through a cycle right now and I need to focus on the positive effect this might have on my life.

"You must be having lots of fun trying!" – Actually there's almost no sex involved. There’s really nothing fun or sexy about lying on a hospital bed, surrounded by a team of physicians and nurses.

“You should adopt, then you’ll get pregnant right away” – There’s no correlation between adopting, and having a biological child. If I adopt, it will be because I want to adopt, not because I’m secretly hoping that the stars will align and I will end up getting pregnant.

Religious Issues

“Maybe God didn’t mean for you to have children” – Ouch! Would you ever tell someone with cancer, that maybe God meant for them to die?

"Don't you feel like you are playing God?" – When someone we love gets sick we don’t ask if treating it is questioning god’s will, so why should we raise this question treating infertility?

“I’m morally opposed to fertility treatment” – Good for you. You don’t need to share that with me though, and definitely not while I am in the middle of treatment.

"Oh I could never do that" – aren’t you lucky you don’t have too!

Don’t talk about how easy it was for you to get pregnant

"I can't believe I got pregnant so easily" – And this is supposed to help me how?

"I forgot to take my pill yesterday; I hope I’m not pregnant" – And you are sharing this with me because?

“My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant, maybe you should borrow him for the night” - Uh, no thanks.

“Are you sure your doing it right?” – Gee, you are so funny.

“Here, you can just have one of my kids” – The next time someone says this to me, I might just grab their kid, hop in my car and drive off, just to prove what a heartless comment that is.

Being flippant about how easy it is for you to get pregnant isn't really helpful when we're in the middle of paying a fortune to be injected with hormones that make us feel awful, then having invasive procedures, not knowing if this will be successful. Please keep your pregnancy stories to yourself until we're pregnant too.

Other Don'ts

Don’t call everyday with a "Sooooo....any news?" – When I have good news, I’ll tell you. This is too much pressure.

"Don't be so touchy" – I’m on an overdose of hormones, of course I’m touchy!

"Things could be worse"- Of course things could always be worse, but that doesn’t really help right now.

When it doesn’t work

"You could always adopt" – that's not really the point and I might not be ready for adoption yet. When said in a flippant way, this comment also makees it seem like the local authority is just handing children out like sweets.

"So what did you do wrong?" – I’m under enough pressure without thinking that this is my fault (actually I probably do think it’s my fault, but I don’t need anyone to add to that feeling).

"There is more to life than children" - that may well be true but at the moment it really does not feel like it for us

So what should you say?

"How are you?" – Much better than ‘So, are you pregnant yet?’ which is a very directional question. Sometimes we don’t want to talk about it and ‘how are you’ gives us the option.

"Is there anything I can do?" – There probably isn’t anything you can do but it’s nice to have the offer.

"Can I get you some tissues?" – IVF is emotional in itself, and with the added hormones running round the system we are almost certain to cry at some point.

“I’m here if you want to talk about it” – Knowing that you are willing to listen means so much to me.

"Hug?" – my personal favorite!

We should keep a running log of all of these. I've heard several of these. Here are a couple more:

"Why don't you wait until you hit menopause in your 40's - alot of women get pregnant when they go through the change" - Does that come with a guarantee?

"Are you sure you want children? Children are over-rated, expensive and alot of responsibility" - No I'm not sure, I'm just going through this whole process because I have nothing else to do and nothing else to spend money on....hello?

I've had embarrassing moments where ignorant people stay stupid things, like:
"How come you don't have any kids" "Is everything okay medically, did you and DH get tested?" "What's wrong - you can't have kids?"
not to mention what DH gets:
"So your shooting blanks" "I guess your equipment isn't working" and other idiotic things that have hurt him as a man.

And my favorite "Just relax! Your thinking about it too much" Ugh! How can I relax when I'm going through this?!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

There is a great piece on twoweewait.com that really fits here. It is talking about the price of having a child, or in this case the pricelessness of children.

http://www.twoweekwait.com/community/

I hope this link works. the piece is about half way down the page and it just really lifted my spirit.

Suzanne

 

[R Dog Walt]

And my favorite "Just relax! Your thinking about it too much" Ugh! How can I relax when I'm going through this?!

So my mom actually said this to me once- "just when you stop trying, it will happen. That's what happened with (fill in the blank with name of couple)."

Umm... Mom--we're two women- no sperm to have an "accident" or "miracle" with (My eggs are shot, there's little to no hope of this anyway). If we don't try, it just can't happen!

"Oh yeah", she said.

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

So my mom actually said this to me once- "just when you stop trying, it will happen. That's what happened with (fill in the blank with name of couple)."

Umm... Mom--we're two women- no sperm to have an "accident" or "miracle" with (My eggs are shot, there's little to no hope of this anyway). If we don't try, it just can't happen!

"Oh yeah", she said.

Maybe she was just having a senior moment . My mom walks on eggshells when she mentions it, more or less I try not to mention it around her.

Suzanne

 

[hematite153]

I'm stuck in a rut right now. ... My life is about everyone except me. ... I'm ready to scream stop and let this be about me for a little while, but no one is listening

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. You're are welcome to scream here. We're listening! I know we can't change the day-to-day, but we do care!

 

[brightspark]

Hi,
Just found this thread, and wanted to say hi. Dh and I are 34 and been ttc for 18 months (not long in the big scheme) dh has had a number of tests and all except the last have shown his swimmers to have pretty much no motility! I see a gynae next week to decide what tests they want to do on me, but our dr has also referred us to an IVF clinic.

We've been to WDW 3 times together and it was really hard this last time (we had dh's first set of test results the day before we went) and I just kept crying... the whole 'just believe and your dreams will come true' theme this year was so hard! It's just not that easy is it. Dh hasn't been desparate for kids, but even he was making comments about 'what if we never have a little one to bring here...'

We bought into dvc last year full of dreams of bringing our little ones along with us... can't imagine never being able to do that.

We have some little disney baby clothes in a bag, which we bought ready.. hope we get to use them one day.

I love that 'things you shouldn't say' post.. lol made me laugh a lot - it's so true isn't it. I hate it when people come up and say 'so you've been married a while - when are you going to have kids?'

Another one that gets me is when someone who got preg really easily starts offering advice and saying things like 'I've got a book you can borrow so you know all the things to do' as if I'm a complete idiot and didn't have all the books long before they even started thinking about it!

And of course the old favourite ... don't worry I'm sure it will all be just fine!

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

I want to say thank you to everyone for all the advice and warm welcomes and just wonderful comments you made. I talked to my Dad who is really my best friend in the world and he told me the same thing. When the kids get older, they will come and want to see their father. It is harder for a boy to be turned against their father than for a girl. There is and always will be that father/son bond. My Dad just asks me what are our last memories of the kids and what do you think the kids remember, and I always say we had a lot of fun. My husband came from a large, poor, inner-city family and his father had a drinking problem and used to beat him and his brothers and sisters. My husband will not ever raise a hand or a voice to his children because of what he went through. Plus if I thought I was living with a mental abuser, do you think I would even being thinking about having a child with him myself? Anyway, I know it will work out in the end, I just keep praying. As for me, my friend here at my job went through IVF, her and her husband tried for years to get pregnant and then finally it worked. She was on Progesterone since day 1, I go back in 2 weeks to see the doctor, so I will ask them about it, thanks for bringing it to my attention. I hate to say this, and I know it will sound wrong, but I am glad I am not alone and that there are people who know what I am going through. Of course I wish none of us had to go through this, but at least I have people who understand. Has anyone looked into surragacy? I think I spelled it wrong. I think that's what we will try next, my sister-in-law offered to carry the baby for us, we just have to try to come up with the money to do it. I don't care if I can't carry it myself, at least it will still be my and my husbands biological baby, although, I have the need to be a mother so bad and I have so much love to give that I don't care where I get the baby from, adoption, someone carrying it for me, whatever, I don't care. I hope and pray for all of us that we will all get our babies! I always think thank goodness that I live in modern times with so many alternatives. IVF, adoption, surragacy, egg donation, could you imagine living back in the olden days where if you just couldn't have a baby, there was really nothing medicine could do for you. Also, I know what everyone is talking about when they say about seeing young girls having babies. My husbands nieces, all 3 of them, one had her first at 16, then her second last summer at 17. His other niece has 4 kids and is younger than I am, all by different fathers, and she really could care less about them. His other niece had her first at 17 then the second at 19, and none on them have jobs, they are all on welfare. Although that doesn't bother me as much as the crack hoes on the street having kids and then either throwing them away in dumpsters. Thanks for listening to me rant!

 

[R Dog Walt]

We've been to WDW 3 times together and it was really hard this last time (we had dh's first set of test results the day before we went) and I just kept crying... the whole 'just believe and your dreams will come true' theme this year was so hard! It's just not that easy is it. Dh hasn't been desparate for kids, but even he was making comments about 'what if we never have a little one to bring here...'

We bought into dvc last year full of dreams of bringing our little ones along with us... can't imagine never being able to do that.

Yes, last week when we were there I started to totally lose it during "Wishes" (the fireworks at MK). Total balling!!! This year of a million dreams is so hard- because I can't just wish and make this happen!!!

We're DVC too and every time we go, I think the next time will be with our child! Uggh!

Mickey'sMainMami- It would be wonderful if your sister in law could be your surrogate. How much would it cost (if you don't mind me asking)?

 

[Mickey'sMainMami]

Hi R Dog, I am not really sure, I think it costs about the same as IVF probably around $10,000. And, I heard that my health insurance will cover all her prenatal, doctors visits and delivery as if I was having the child myself. Of course we have to come up with the $10,000 first, but my Dad said he would help. When I look into it more, I will let you know the specifics.