Child-free, but not by choice?

[jjk1107]

Hi want2bamommy,

James and I do not own a home either, so I was also concerned with the assets requirement. The agency that I used made sure to explain everything that we can use as an asset and it surprised me at how much we came up to. You can use and retirement plans, which your husband should have a pension with the military that would have an amount attached to it and then any 401ks. Also, which is the biggest thing that helped us, every piece of item in your house. This includes clothing, TVs, dishes, any kind of collectibles (being Disney fans you should have a few things from Disney over the years), jewelry, and then cars. They told me to go with what the amount of our renter's insurance was. We have a $65000 policy, so we were able to just put $65000 down as our household property and then add our retirement income and cars. If you have any student loans, you can reuest a forebearance on it and then you do not have to list that as debt. You would be amazed at how much stuff you actually come up with because of what it would cost to replace everything if you lost it all.

Aclov,

As far as the cost of the adoption, ours is about $17,000-$18,000. I am not going to say that this is inexpensive by any means, but the programs out there to help are unbelievable. You said that you are currently looking for a job right now. So many employers will help with the cost of adoption. When you interview with them, ask if they have any kind of benefits. Their is a Web site that is out there, I think the Dave Thomas one, that has a list of companies and what kind of adoption benefits that have. My company reimbursed me for $5000.00. James' company did not have an adoption reimbursement program, so he Emailed his CEO requesting that they implement an adoption reimbursement benefit. He works for a large credit union here in Orlando and every year the CEO takes Christmas wishes for the Christmas party to surprise employees by fulfilling their wish. He submitted his wish to be that Fairwinds would help us to pay for our adoption, or better yet, implement a reimbursement for all of the employees. The CEO sent him a lovely Email explaining that while he could not grant us the wish at the party, he would take it to the Board of Directors. The CEO came back in February and announced that the BOD approved a $3,000 reimbursement once we have gotten back with the child. And then the biggest help in covering the costs is the Tax Credit (that is set to expire in 2010 unless Congress approves extending it, lets hope they do). This credit is currently at $11,360 and goes up usually every year. The credit is different in the fact that it is not a deductible so you do not have to itemize deductions. It carries over from year to year for up to 5 years until the full amount has been used. So if your tax liability is $3700 for the year, you basically subtract the $3700 from the 11360 and continue until the full amount is gone. Once we get back from China, we will not have to pay any federal taxes for about 4 years. This will put extra money into our paychecks to pay off the credit card we will be using when we go to China.

The cost up front can be very intimidating, but if you do a search for adoption on line, you will come across so many different programs to help pay the cost interest free until you start getting the tax credit. Then you would repay it using the money you get from the tax credit when you return. Also, the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation does grants to help cover the cost, as well as many other companies.

This post is in no way trying to advocate adoption because it is not right for everyone, just helping to explain the costs and ways to help overcome the obstacle for those interested. Adoption is a hard choice to make and once you make the choice (at least for me), it does not take away the pain of not having your own. I still cry often for the baby that I will not give birth to and still have a hard time going to baby showers, but at least I will have a baby to love and hold.

Just a side note to anyone thinking of adopting from Guatamala, there is some concern right now from the US on this, so that program may be shut down. Make sure to do a lot of research before going that route. PM me if you would like additional information on this.

For everyone going through the route of IVF and IUI, my heart and prayers go out to you. I hope that all of you succeed in getting pregnant and having the baby. I know it has got to be tough and that is why I could just not handle it emotionally in my case. I do hope that it goes well for you.

 

[want2bamommy]

Hi everyone. I came across this discussion a few days ago at around 4 in the morning. After reading it and crying, I did not have the energy to post at that time. My husband and I have been married a little over 9 years now. Before we got married, I had already been told by my doctor that it would be near impossible for me to get pregnant. James knew that going into the marriage and was okay with the fact that more than likely we would have to adopt. My sister got pregnant about a year and a half after the 2 of us were married. She is 4 years older than me, so she was in a position to be able to take care of the child although she was not married. She decided though that she did not want to be saddled down with a child at that time. Knowing that this would be a good chance for James and I to have a child, my mom approached her about letting us adopt the child. She instead decided to terminate the pregnancy. I have a very hard time still dealing with this because once her nd the baby's father did marry, they were able to conceive 2 wanted children very easily and now have a 4 and a 2 year old, who I love dearly and in know way have any negative feelings toward. Meanwhile, James and I are still childless. We went to see a fertility specialist about 3 1/2 years ago, but decided I could not handle it emotionally trying to go through IVF and not getting pregnant or worse, losing the baby. We decided to wait until I turned 30 so that we could adopt from China. I turned 30 in September of last year, and we mailed our request for adoption to China in October. We should be matched with a baby hopefully by the end of 2008.

I think what has been the hardest struggle with infertility, at least in my case, no one in my family has ever suffered from it and just doesn't believe that I do. They keep saying that doctors do not know everything. My MIL had the nerve one time, after having been told several times by James and myself that we could not conceive, to say something along the lines of the fact of why are we making her wait to become a grandparent. My parents were in the car when she said that as well as James and his father. I had finally had enough of all of her insensitive remarks and just lost it. I started crying and yelling at her that she had been told that I could not get pregnant and that those comments were unappreciated. She would not talk to me for days as though I had done something wrong. I guess the only people that understand are people that also go through it. Last December I went to see my OBGYN because I had not had my cycle in 3 months and the pent up PMS was driving me crazy. I wanted to see if there was something he could give me to make me have my cycle. Before he could give it to me, he had to do the pregnancy test even though we both knew it would be negative. He came in the office and said "Of course, it was negative." Just matter of factly. I held it together until I got to my car and just started crying because a little part of me had hoped that just maybe it would be positive. But, I should be thankful because I know that we will have our adopted child soon.

Aclov, adoption is not always as expensive as everyone thinks. If you would like any information regarding adopting from China since this is the only thing I can speak informed of, please don't hesitate to ask. When people ask about our adoption, they are amazed at all of the different programs there are to help with the cost.

Anyway, enough of my story on infertility. I am also a DVC member and will be at Disney a few times in May. I will be there May 6-11 and again the night of the 27th. If anyone else is going to be here, maybe we can get together. I live near Orlando, so we are at Disney often.

Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. It is great to hear other stories of people who know what it is like.

JJ,

I am so sorry! My mother also asked me to adopt my sister's baby too but she decided to keep her and raised her as a single Mom. My SIL and Sis have each become pregnant easily and have had many "surprise" pregnancies and each one is harder and harder (escpecially when the pregnancies are terminated).

I hope that you get matched with a child in the near future! I will never forget what I saw when DH and I flew to Las Vegas two years ago in December. As we were entering the security gates there were about 10 families coming out of security with little girls they had just adopted from China. I stood right there and cried and cried (happy tears) to see them walk through the gates. Their family and friends were all there with video camera's, balloons, signs, etc and it was one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen! I am tearing up right now just thinking about it again. I just know that whether DH and I have our own child or gow with adoption that I will have a moment like that too.

As for your MIL I am SOOOO SORRY THAT SHE SAID THAT!!! It was very insensitive and I know how much that hurt you! My in-laws dealt with infertility and adopted my hubby and his brother and she still asks me questions about Grandbabies, etc. We've been married for 10 years but we didn't start trying right away.

Anyway, I hope you will stick around here so we can share your Adoption journey with you.

Good Luck!

Missie

 

[hematite153]

jjk1107--thanks for sharing your story.

aclov--I'm really sorry about your BFN.

all--thanks for the sharing and support.

 

[kikiq]

I usually lurk and read...never post. However, this thread tugged at my heart because I know how you all feel. It took us almost 10 years to have our first daughter and she was conceived right as we were getting ready to adopt. We consider both our girls miracles and god sent.

My brother's daughter (my goddaughter) was adopted from China. When I take care of her, she looks like just like my oldest when she was a little girl. Funny how that turned out...we say that my mom had a heavenly hand in making sure she came to brother's family.

Don't ever give up or stop giving to the children around you. You never know when the smile you give a child might be the only smile they get that day.



planning a surprise wdw trip for hubby!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I know exactly what you mean about the adoption scams! I have had a friend adopt in Guatamala and I have been meaning to ask her what agency she went through. She wound up paying around $25-$30K for the entire adoption and it took a little over a year.

Dr. Phil recently did a show about Adoption Scams (but it was private women (well one in particular) that was scamming many different families at once and she wasn't even pregnant. I would imagine for Adoption Agencies that there must be a way to weed out the reputable ones (maybe the Better Business Bureau or something?)

Good luck in your job hunt!!! I hope you find the perfect job! /B]


Missie

The kicker to this whole story is that the women on Dr. Phil were going through agencies or the proper channels for their state and this still happened. This was what definitely ended my thinking about adoptions. We also can't even begin to afford adoption. We live in a state with one of the lowest adoption fees, but the fees start at $25,000.

I also read an articel in our local paper yesterday that said that the U.S. may ban adoptions from Guatamala soon, because there is so much illegal stuff going on there.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

I know a lot of people on the board have suggested adoption. For me and DH we definitely will proceed with adoption after we give IUI/IVF a go. I have already looked into specific agencies and searched the websites, etc.

DH is adopted (from Colombia, South America). We have always discussed adoption even before we got married. DH really wants to have a biological child because he has an issue with not "looking like his family." It is hard for me to understand because I haven't experienced it but I certainly empathize with him.

One of the main obstacle's I have encountered with Adoption is the cost/requirements. DH is active duty Army and he doesn't make that much money. We don't own a home (only because we move every few years) and most places want us to have $80,000 in assets. We are falling about 50% short there. I will keep looking into it though to see what we can find though.

I am excited because I have a referral to a Civilian Gyno to discuss Clomid and other options. Our nearest RE is an hour away and the Army doesn't cover ANYTHING for Infertility so we will have to pay 100% out of pocket confused. Apparently, there are 2-3 bases around the country that can do IVF at a cheaper rate for us but we'd have to stay there for a few weeks, etc and right now with me working it isn't an option. I guess I'll have to keep doing my research.

Good luck ladies!!

Missie

Hey Missie, don't give up, keep searching, the Army does pay some infertility treatment. I had to do alot of searching before I found out what, but I did. That was almost three years ago, but I'm sure things haven't changed that much. My husband was on active duty for the three months that we did IUI's and it picked up some things. Call Tricare if you have to. If I can find my info, I'll send it to you, but it was some sort of Tricare website. They paid for my Clomid and they paid for several procedures that the RE did.

There was also a foundation started after 9/11, by one of the women that lost her husband at the Pentagon. They had infertility problems, but got help, so in his memory, she started the program. I know I have the info for this, and I will look for it and give you the name of her website. I looked up the info, but we didn't qualify, I think it was because my husband was only in the Reserves.

Good Luck to everyone in their quest, what ever it may be.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[aclov]

The kicker to this whole story is that the women on Dr. Phil were going through agencies or the proper channels for their state and this still happened. This was what definitely ended my thinking about adoptions. We also can't even begin to afford adoption. We live in a state with one of the lowest adoption fees, but the fees start at $25,000.

I also read an articel in our local paper yesterday that said that the U.S. may ban adoptions from Guatamala soon, because there is so much illegal stuff going on there.

PrincessSuzanne

Someone else on another board that I visit (infertility/adoption board) also mentioned about Guatemala being pulled from the approved list. This is so sad Not only because of all the people who want to adopt but what about the children in the orphanages. What's going to happen with them?
I was doing some searching over the weekend and some of those websites have pictures of those little precious babies. It seems like Guatemala is the most expensive at 25k-35k. We can't afford that either. So our next step will be to do another IVF and see what happens.

 

[DawnM]

We adopted a son from China.

We did it as inexpensively as possible. Only one of us went to China to get him and we did all the paperwork, etc...by ourselves, no lawyers.

I think it cost about 20K when all was said and done. BUT, we get $11K back from the Federal government in tax credits and we get 2K back from state taxes in credits. Then DH's work gives us 5K in reimbursement credit. So we will get a large portion of it back.

Dawn

BTW: I went to Disney a LOT before we had kids!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Someone else on another board that I visit (infertility/adoption board) also mentioned about Guatemala being pulled from the approved list. This is so sad Not only because of all the people who want to adopt but what about the children in the orphanages. What's going to happen with them?
I was doing some searching over the weekend and some of those websites have pictures of those little precious babies. It seems like Guatemala is the most expensive at 25k-35k. We can't afford that either. So our next step will be to do another IVF and see what happens.

From what I understood from the article, most of the children aren't in orphanages, they are illegally taken, bought, or stolen, that is the whole reason for the investigation and I also understood that they may eventually cease all adoptions from there.

aclov: I wish I could try IVF. We were told that would probably be the only way we could be successful, but we can't afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it. The RE I saw would do it for $10,000 for one try and it is too much of a shot in the dark for that amount of money. I always say I can afford to raise a child, but I can't afford to do what is necessary to bring it into the world. Good Luck and Baby Dust

DawnM: China doesn't deal with people like me, I am overweight and they view that as an incapability to raise a child. The reason I am so overweight is because of what I have gone through to have a child and it doesn't help to have someone who doesn't understand tell me I can't be a mother because I'm fat, that only leads to more problems. Besides I want an newborn. I know that sounds bad, but I won't be happy if I have to settle for what I don't want. I have decided adoption is not the route for us.

PrincessSuzanne

 

[want2bamommy]

Hey Missie, don't give up, keep searching, the Army does pay some infertility treatment. I had to do alot of searching before I found out what, but I did. That was almost three years ago, but I'm sure things haven't changed that much. My husband was on active duty for the three months that we did IUI's and it picked up some things. Call Tricare if you have to. If I can find my info, I'll send it to you, but it was some sort of Tricare website. They paid for my Clomid and they paid for several procedures that the RE did.

There was also a foundation started after 9/11, by one of the women that lost her husband at the Pentagon. They had infertility problems, but got help, so in his memory, she started the program. I know I have the info for this, and I will look for it and give you the name of her website. I looked up the info, but we didn't qualify, I think it was because my husband was only in the Reserves.
Good Luck to everyone in their quest, what ever it may be.

PrincessSuzanne

Thank you Suzanne! If you find any of that information I would really appreciate seeing it. I had searched once before through Tri-Care's website and found there that they didn't cover any infertility treatments but I have heard other information from another TTC board too.

I am extremely anxious for my hubby to get home so we can try again! He'll be home for the standard year (minus 3 months for field time and training) and then have to be deployed again. If we don't get our BFP before he gets deployed in 2008 we will have to proceed with IUI's with his samples, lol. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Thanks again!

Missie

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Thank you Suzanne! If you find any of that information I would really appreciate seeing it. I had searched once before through Tri-Care's website and found there that they didn't cover any infertility treatments but I have heard other information from another TTC board too.

I am extremely anxious for my hubby to get home so we can try again! He'll be home for the standard year (minus 3 months for field time and training) and then have to be deployed again. If we don't get our BFP before he gets deployed in 2008 we will have to proceed with IUI's with his samples, lol. Hopefully it won't come to that.

Thanks again!

Missie

Missie, know that I am thinking about you and I will send you everything I can find. My husband was sent to California for 3 months just as we started our IUI's in 2004, and we had to use frozen samples. I know that since you are preparing before, things will work out and you will get your BFP. I have all but given up on getting my BFP. IVF is out of the question. I don't know how people afford it and for multiple times .

I'll get back to you as soon as I find that info.

Suzanne

 

[kaelarad]

My story is very similar to GSD4Me. I was told that conception and a full term pregnacy would not happen. I have miscarried 9 times. I am a youth minister and have children in my life. But it is not the same.

Now the Disney piece--DH and I used what we had saved for college funds and joined DVC. We go down at least 3 times a year. We are always at Disney at Christmas, because we have no family around. As time goes by Not having children doesn't hurt as much for me it is about accepting and living with the realily. DH and I love DIsney and have taken our niece, a child who is the closest to daughter that I will ever have. We have fun!

Boy am I glad to know there are others out there. I really don't have anyone to talk about this with.

Thanks Everyone!!!

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

My story is very similar to GSD4Me. I was told that conception and a full term pregnacy would not happen. I have miscarried 9 times. I am a youth minister and have children in my life. But it is not the same.

Now the Disney piece--DH and I used what we had saved for college funds and joined DVC. We go down at least 3 times a year. We are always at Disney at Christmas, because we have no family around. As time goes by Not having children doesn't hurt as much for me it is about accepting and living with the realily. DH and I love DIsney and have taken our niece, a child who is the closest to daughter that I will ever have. We have fun!

Boy am I glad to know there are others out there. I really don't have anyone to talk about this with.

Thanks Everyone!!!

Welcome to our little group

I know what you mean about having children in your life. I worked in the Nursery at our church, worked with the youth group and with the children in between, and I have also worked at the church's daycare center, but it isn't the same. I have three beautiful cousins ages 1 1/2 to 8 and I love them as if they were my own.

I took my oldest cousin to WDW on our first trip in 2005, she was 7 at the time and she had a wonderful time. She talks about it all the time now. I also put all of the pictures we took into a scrapbook for her to remember her first trip.

I have been thinking alot lately about joining DVC, but we don't have any funds to dip into, so for now that is just a dream. I have been hinting at going again this year, but I can't get my family (DM) to listen to me. I would love to go in August for my husband's birthday, but I keep getting out voted and will have to wait until December 2008.

Suzanne

 

[want2bamommy]

My story is very similar to GSD4Me. I was told that conception and a full term pregnacy would not happen. I have miscarried 9 times. I am a youth minister and have children in my life. But it is not the same.

Now the Disney piece--DH and I used what we had saved for college funds and joined DVC. We go down at least 3 times a year. We are always at Disney at Christmas, because we have no family around. As time goes by Not having children doesn't hurt as much for me it is about accepting and living with the realily. DH and I love DIsney and have taken our niece, a child who is the closest to daughter that I will ever have. We have fun!

Boy am I glad to know there are others out there. I really don't have anyone to talk about this with.

Thanks Everyone!!!

Welcome to the group! I am so sorry to hear of your m/c's! I never realized how many people experience this pain until I joined other TTC boards. Dh and I have only experienced one m/c very early on in our marriage and it was a sad time for us (I know that everyone knows the pain).

I think it is wonderful that you and DH took the money that you were going to use for College Education and other children's expenses and joined DVC.

DH and I have 3 nieces (ages 3, 4 and 5) and a nephew (age 9) and we do adore them! I went on a trip to DW with the two nieces (3 and 4 yr olds) and my nephew, along with BIL, SIL, MIL, and FIL this past September. It was wonderful to see the world with them (the girls first time there). I'd like to take my other niece with us one day but I just feel like it would be "wrong" since we aren't taking the other kids too. Instead we are trying to plan for a family trip with my parents, Sister, her bf, her daughter, DH and I (and hopefully a little one of our own?). We are looking at 2008/2009 at this point due to DH's deployments overseas.

Good luck to you!!!

Missie

 

[SumMickeyfans]

Hello all...I just found this Thread...hope it's ok to post. As I read through everyone's post I can tell you that I feel for each of you. I know what you have been and are going through. D/H and I have been TTC for almost 14 years now!! Many failed IUI's...5 IVF's and 1 failed FET...AND 3 M/C'S...We have been through it all!! In our case...I have Balanced Translocation of Chromosomes 5 & 6. Our last try was over a year ago...We do have a Beautiful D/D that we adopted 7 years ago here in the states. She is the love of our life and we do not know where we would be wihtout her! I would still love to give her a sibling...We are thinking about adopting again sometime in the fall. You know it seems that just when I get over "wanting to become pregnant" something sucks me right back in. There is just that little piece of me that I can't seem to let go that wants to feel something grow inside me. Am I crazy?

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Hello all...I just found this Thread...hope it's ok to post. As I read through everyone's post I can tell you that I feel for each of you. I know what you have been and are going through. D/H and I have been TTC for almost 14 years now!! Many failed IUI's...5 IVF's and 1 failed FET...AND 3 M/C'S...We have been through it all!! In our case...I have Balanced Translocation of Chromosomes 5 & 6. Our last try was over a year ago...We do have a Beautiful D/D that we adopted 7 years ago here in the states. She is the love of our life and we do not know where we would be wihtout her! I would still love to give her a sibling...We are thinking about adopting again sometime in the fall. You know it seems that just when I get over "wanting to become pregnant" something sucks me right back in. There is just that little piece of me that I can't seem to let go that wants to feel something grow inside me. Am I crazy?

First of all, Welcome and let me just start by saying NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, but I certainly know what you mean. I seem to be one of the only ones that has never conceived at all, and we don't know exactly why not, I have my theories. My insurance doesn't pay for IF and my husband does not have insurance at his job.

I am going through one of my pity party times right now, with all of the Spring babies coming along and with my idiot co-worker getting bigger everyday. I don't know how to deal with it and I am having a hard time being nice to her when I walk in and she is laying back in the chair with her belly in the air, I just know she is secretly laughing at me

I hope every one else is doing fine and we would like for you to drop in and at least say hello.

Suzanne

 

[want2bamommy]

Hello all...I just found this Thread...hope it's ok to post. As I read through everyone's post I can tell you that I feel for each of you. I know what you have been and are going through. D/H and I have been TTC for almost 14 years now!! Many failed IUI's...5 IVF's and 1 failed FET...AND 3 M/C'S...We have been through it all!! In our case...I have Balanced Translocation of Chromosomes 5 & 6. Our last try was over a year ago...We do have a Beautiful D/D that we adopted 7 years ago here in the states. She is the love of our life and we do not know where we would be wihtout her! I would still love to give her a sibling...We are thinking about adopting again sometime in the fall. You know it seems that just when I get over "wanting to become pregnant" something sucks me right back in. There is just that little piece of me that I can't seem to let go that wants to feel something grow inside me. Am I crazy?

Hi and Welcome! I'm glad that you posted here. I am sorry for your losses! Congratulations on adopting your little princess and GOOD LUCK if you decide to adopt again.

Missie

 

[aclov]

Welcome SumMickey Fans

It's stories like yours about adoption that really make me think about adopting. Unfortunately, DH is just not on-board with it. We wouldn't be able to do anything right now due to finances. I hope he will change his mind and be more open about it.

I'm having my own pity party right now myself. Our appt. with RE is next week and I'm debating to go through round 3 of IVF. Since I haven't worked in about 5 months it has set us behind a little. So I feel my focus is to get a job but this whole TTC thing is always on my mind. It's such an emotional rollercoaster

 

[PrincessSuzanne]

Welcome SumMickey Fans

It's stories like yours about adoption that really make me think about adopting. Unfortunately, DH is just not on-board with it. We wouldn't be able to do anything right now due to finances. I hope he will change his mind and be more open about it.

I'm having my own pity party right now myself. Our appt. with RE is next week and I'm debating to go through round 3 of IVF. Since I haven't worked in about 5 months it has set us behind a little. So I feel my focus is to get a job but this whole TTC thing is always on my mind. It's such an emotional rollercoaster

I've been on that rollercoaster for the last 5 years and I want off (I don't like rollercoasters). I have gotten to where I feel numb most of the time now and I don't cry as much as I used to. It gets easier after a while, like everyone said (now these are people that have children or aren't ready for them yet, so what do they know), I'm finding out.

I went through 3 IUI's in 2004 and would love to have the opportunity to try at least one round of IVF, but we just can't afford it. If I knew it was going to cost as much for 1 IVF as it did for 3 IUI's, I would have skipped the IUI's, but I just knew that the IUI's were going to work. If I'm ever given the opportunity again, I will skip the IUI's and go straight for the IVF. I want to say I have given up on TTCing, but it is always in the back of my mind. I have a very encouraging friend that has more hope for me than I do and she is always asking me if I am taking my meds. Got to love her though.

Remember we are here no matter what you decide.

Hello Missie, I haven't forgotten about you, and I should be able to look for my info this weekend.

Suzanne

 

[aclov]

DH and I have been trying for 6 years to conceive and it hasn't gotten easier for me . We were so hopeful that IVF would work for us, especially since the RE said there was no reason why it shouldn't and everything looked great both times. I have a best friend who is married and doesn't have any children, it helps to have someone else to talk to. The only difference is that her and her DH have decided not to seek medical treatment or tests and just let things happen or not happen. She always says that she will probably get pregnant at age 40 when going through the change. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she's right - it's easier to just leave things to fate/destiny, this way your don't open yourself up to so many emotions.