Cheerfully child-free. Anyone else?

[daisax]

Dr. Phil then goes on to tell how he overheard his wife Robin say she wanted another child, so then he reversed his vasectomy without telling her first. The camera then cut to Robin, who was shedding emotional tears. Looked kind of staged if you ask me!

Did this happen recently? Because I think Robin's eggs are a decade or so past their "best used by" date.

 

[LisaZee]

Did this happen recently? Because I think Robin's eggs are a decade or so past their "best used by" date.

Hahahaha. My DH says that my "eggs are rotten".

A little history on me, since I've become a pretty regular poster on this thread. DH and I have been married for just over 6 years, Zoe has been a part of the family since the week we got back from our honeymoon.

Unlike a lot of you here, I grew up wanting kids. At least 2 or 3. Then I went into social work in college and focused on kids with behavioral and educational problems. I started out in group homes, where most of the kids had been abused and neglected, then went into community based support, working with caseworker and court advocates. I saw a lot of bad stuff. Kids hung upside in closets, a little girl chained to a toilet and sleeping on a mattress in the bathtub, a boy ritualistically abused in a cult. I spent 12 hours a day with these kids, took them back and forth to school, to therapy, helped them with homework, rocked them to sleep crying, you name it. I essentially "parented" them, and it was hard. I left group homes the day I got stabbed with straight pins. When I did community based stuff, I saw some kids that had great parents but still ended up in trouble. I admitted kids to hospitals for cocaine addictions, I had one girl prostituting herself, and I had a mentally disabled girl get pregnant by her "boyfriend". My heart was broken, I had to get out of social work.

I hate to say it, but that job killed any desire I had ever had to have kids of my own. I saw too much stuff that I will never forget, no matter how much I want to. And I know everyone says that my kids will never turn out like the kids I worked with, but I don't have it in me anymore. I wish I was still "ignorant" to how bad it can be, and that I still had my happy little "everything will be wonderful" blinders on, but I can't go back.

What I learned from my experiences is that every child should be wanted, and wanted so badly, and I don't want anything that badly, except DH. I've seen what ambivalent and half-butted parenting yields, and I don't know that I could go whole hog. Does any of this make sense?

 

[Aunt Michelle]

Lisa - I think it makes perfect sense. What you've seen would have given me permanent nightmares. I am always amazed at how strong social workers, and all others who have to deal with the horrific things that adults do to children, are.

 

[2bemarried]

Lisa,

I can't even begin to imagine the nightmares you have from working that job. I completely agree that every child should be wanted in every way possible.

DH (Derek) and I considered fostering kids but we don't have it in us to go through that whole court system process. It's a nightmare.

 

[PatriciaH]

Does any of this make sense?

Yes, all of it does. DH and I wanted as many kids as we could afford for a long time. Then we got out in the world and worked with kids teaching, volunteering, talked to many parents, etc.. and the desire went away.

 

[goofygirl]

Hahahaha. My DH says that my "eggs are rotten".

A little history on me, since I've become a pretty regular poster on this thread. DH and I have been married for just over 6 years, Zoe has been a part of the family since the week we got back from our honeymoon.

Unlike a lot of you here, I grew up wanting kids. At least 2 or 3. Then I went into social work in college and focused on kids with behavioral and educational problems. I started out in group homes, where most of the kids had been abused and neglected, then went into community based support, working with caseworker and court advocates. I saw a lot of bad stuff. Kids hung upside in closets, a little girl chained to a toilet and sleeping on a mattress in the bathtub, a boy ritualistically abused in a cult. I spent 12 hours a day with these kids, took them back and forth to school, to therapy, helped them with homework, rocked them to sleep crying, you name it. I essentially "parented" them, and it was hard. I left group homes the day I got stabbed with straight pins. When I did community based stuff, I saw some kids that had great parents but still ended up in trouble. I admitted kids to hospitals for cocaine addictions, I had one girl prostituting herself, and I had a mentally disabled girl get pregnant by her "boyfriend". My heart was broken, I had to get out of social work.

I hate to say it, but that job killed any desire I had ever had to have kids of my own. I saw too much stuff that I will never forget, no matter how much I want to. And I know everyone says that my kids will never turn out like the kids I worked with, but I don't have it in me anymore. I wish I was still "ignorant" to how bad it can be, and that I still had my happy little "everything will be wonderful" blinders on, but I can't go back.

What I learned from my experiences is that every child should be wanted, and wanted so badly, and I don't want anything that badly, except DH. I've seen what ambivalent and half-butted parenting yields, and I don't know that I could go whole hog. Does any of this make sense?

Wow, you deserve a medal!

Anyone who puts down the childfree should be reminded that having a child does not necessarily make you a better person, and the above examples should be cited.

 

[LisaZee]

Thanks for the kind words, guys... I have stories that would make your stomach turn. People always wonder why I went to school for 4 years to get my BSW only to abandon social work after a few years - I guess you can tell what my answer is!

I think in order to be effective in jobs like I had, you have to become a little desensitized to what you see. Otherwise, you will cry yourself to sleep every night. I had to develop a very tough skin, and I held those kids very much at arms length (as much as I could - if I didn't care, I wouldn't have gotten into social work!) I think that barrier, that distance I developed, is why I don't feel all squishy when I see small children - even my godson or DH's nieces. I'm always careful, never quite letting my guard down, always one step away from becoming invested...

Anywho, thanks for listening to me rattle on. Let me change the subject to a more festive one - is everyone's holiday shopping done? If you all tell me all your gifts are purchased AND wrapped, I fear I will be depressed...

 

[Aunt Michelle]

Yes, my shopping is all done, three cats, two parents, two sisters, two BILs, 7 nieces, one nephew, one grandmother, my ex, ex, ex BFs parents (is that weird?) and ten drummers drumming - nah, just kidding - checking to see who's reading. Only kidding about the drummers... everyone else plus a few close friends done! Never once set foot in a store - I LOVE the internet, also very fond of my UPS guy at this point for never complaining about walking up three floors to my apartment! Now I am trying to buy an elf or at least rent one to come over and do the 30 hours of wrapping!

 

[2bemarried]

Yes, my shopping is all done, three cats, two parents, two sisters, two BILs, 7 nieces, one nephew, one grandmother, my ex, ex, ex BFs parents (is that weird?) and ten drummers drumming - nah, just kidding - checking to see who's reading. Only kidding about the drummers... everyone else plus a few close friends done! Never once set foot in a store - I LOVE the internet, also very fond of my UPS guy at this point for never complaining about walking up three floors to my apartment! Now I am trying to buy an elf or at least rent one to come over and do the 30 hours of wrapping!

Michelle if I wasn't already tired..I am now

I have all of my shopping done, presents to MI were shipped today and I still need to wrap gifts for dh and my parents. I also have to make peppermint bark for all of my aunts/uncles and cousins.

 

[goofygirl]

Why do people "congratulate" a pregnancy even if it is being brought into the most dire of circumstances?

Really, if there's an unplanned pregnancy among 2 people with no job, no home, no money and no responsibility, people will still say "Congratulations on the baby!"

This kind of thing drives me nuts. I don't think its anything to be "congratulated." And heaven forbid you say something like, "Are you really going to keep this baby? Maybe you should think twice." -its like a "taboo" to say that anymore.


I'm sure we've all known people in our lives who have been irresponsible when it comes to pregnancy/children. I'm sure it is hard to keep one's mouth shut at times, especially if it's family.

 

[Aunt Michelle]

IDK - maybe it's the first thing that comes to mind? I think people feel they have to say something and maybe it's the thing that feels safest. I truly do not understand "unexpected pregnacy" in this day and age. There is readily available birth control for everyone and gosh... if you don't believe in it and you don't want a child you shouldn't be doing the horizontal boogy!

JMHO, please don't hurt me!

 

[2bemarried]

Why do people "congratulate" a pregnancy even if it is being brought into the most dire of circumstances?

Really, if there's an unplanned pregnancy among 2 people with no job, no home, no money and no responsibility, people will still say "Congratulations on the baby!"

This kind of thing drives me nuts. I don't think its anything to be "congratulated." And heaven forbid you say something like, "Are you really going to keep this baby? Maybe you should think twice." -its like a "taboo" to say that anymore.


I'm sure we've all known people in our lives who have been irresponsible when it comes to pregnancy/children. I'm sure it is hard to keep one's mouth shut at times, especially if it's family.

I completely agree!!! A perfect example is *drum roll please* Jamie Lynn Spears. Pregnant at 16?? seriously. I think the first words out of my mouth would be "what the hell were you thinking?"

 

[MELSMICE]

IDK - maybe it's the first thing that comes to mind? I think people feel they have to say something and maybe it's the thing that feels safest. I truly do not understand "unexpected pregnacy" in this day and age. There is readily available birth control for everyone and gosh... if you don't believe in it and you don't want a child you shouldn't be doing the horizontal boogy!

No form of birth control is 100% - even "permanent" birth control, therefore, an "unexpected pregnancy" can really happen to anyone, regardless of how careful they are.

 

[goofygirl]

I completely agree!!! A perfect example is *drum roll please* Jamie Lynn Spears. Pregnant at 16?? seriously. I think the first words out of my mouth would be "what the hell were you thinking?"

Yeah, there's a whole thread on the board about it. Looks like everyone agrees that this is such a BAD idea! One of the rare occasions where all DISers seem to agree on something!

 

[goofygirl]

No form of birth control is 100% - even "permanent" birth control, therefore, an "unexpected pregnancy" can really happen to anyone, regardless of how careful they are.

You know who uses that excuse the most? People who DON'T use birth control when they should! They claim things like they were "on the Pill", however they leave out the part where they forgot to take a pill or 2.

So people who use birth control all the time and don't get pregnant are just "lucky"? I think it's more than luck. It's responsibility.

 

[MELSMICE]

You know who uses that excuse the most? People who DON'T use birth control when they should! They claim things like they were "on the Pill", however they leave out the part where they forgot to take a pill or 2.

So people who use birth control all the time and don't get pregnant are just "lucky"? I think it's more than luck. It's responsibility.

I doubt the person that had their tubes tied or who's husband had a vascetomy use that excuse.

My point is that no form of birth control is 100%, even when used or performed correctly. Sometimes those unplanned pregnancies are truly unplanned - not all - but some.

 

[LisaZee]

IDK, I have been, ahem, *active* for 18 years and have not always been 100% perfect with my birth control, but I am pretty vigilant, and I've never gotten pregnant. I may be generalizing here, but it pretty much seems like if you don't want to get pregnant, you don't get pregnant. Although, my SIL SWEARS that she got pregnant on the pill with DH's first niece, and that she got her period for the first 2-3 months of her pregnancy. I am having a hard time with that, no?

 

[2bemarried]

IDK, I have been, ahem, *active* for 18 years and have not always been 100% perfect with my birth control, but I am pretty vigilant, and I've never gotten pregnant. I may be generalizing here, but it pretty much seems like if you don't want to get pregnant, you don't get pregnant. Although, my SIL SWEARS that she got pregnant on the pill with DH's first niece, and that she got her period for the first 2-3 months of her pregnancy. I am having a hard time with that, no?

Actually it's not uncommon for women to have a period the first trimester. I don't remember the stats but I know it happens. There's also the possibility of this happening when there's a multiple pregnancy and one miscarries.

I've been active for 12 years and I missed a couple of pills but I know now that I didn't get pregnant b/c I don't ovulate on my own. You also have to hit that special 48 hour window.

 

[LisaZee]

Hey guys! Just checking in to see how everyone's holiday was... Was Santa good to everyone? I got spoiled, as usual. This no-kid thing means I get more goodies! And Zoe was, of course, spoiled as well, from me and DH, from both sets of grandparents, and from aunties and uncles.

I am hoping that 2008 is a better year than 2007, but I surely can't complain. I was just reading about another poster putting her hubby on a plane to war - makes my problems seem small, you know?

I'm a little sad today. One of my employees at the pharmacy died a year ago today - a 24 year old girl who left behind a husband and a 3 year old little boy. She had a blood clot in her brain that moved, causing multiple strokes and irreversable brain damage. I still can't believe she's gone. She only worked for me for about 6 months, but for some reason she really touched me. She often said that I was like her sister, always looking out for her and helping her to succeed. Life is short.

Now that I have successfully bummed myself out, I am going to bed. Hope to hear from everyone soon!

 

[bumbershoot]

and that she got her period for the first 2-3 months of her pregnancy. I am having a hard time with that, no?

I know a woman who had period-like, um, symptoms for her entire pregnancy. And my MIL did so too, her entire pregnancy with DH...neither of them knew quickly that they were pregnant because of it. Weird as it is, it can happen!


I saw the thread title and just wanted to jump in to offer support to those who have chosen to be childfree! My brother and SIL made that choice in college. OK actually my brother made that choice even as a child- he just never got along with anyone younger than he was, and I think SIL was just waiting for "permission" to go that way, b/c she hadn't thought of it before, but went along with it happily as soon as they got serious. Relatives have given them a hard time, especially since they were married at 22. They got the "oh you'll change your mind" thing countless times, but never from me! I knew my brother and knew that he really didn't like kids all that much (so it's good he doesn't have them, LOL) and if he says he'll do or not do something, you can bet your life he's going to follow through. That said, they are lovely as uncle and aunt to my kiddo, and they love him very much, though he does create an overwhelming feeling of "OMG thank goodness we made that choice" in them. And they are 35 now, and still no changes of heart (especially now that my guy is 3 and they can see how crazy kids can be!).

Anyway, support support support to all of you!