Can you "get over" being cheated on? #191 - I'm done.

[Christine]

I disagree. I think the married person is much more to blame, he's the one cheating. This woman isn't cheating on anyone. That doesn't make her woman of the year, but it's somehow not on the same level as the cheater.

I totally agree with this. Doesn't mean that I don't think she is scum. She isn't cheating on anyone (except maybe herself). The married person is the situation has to make the decision. The married men are choosing to cheat with her. If they can't say no, it is 100% their fault, not hers.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

We had a friend that forgave. Or I guess I should say ex-friend. She found out her husband was cheating on her when he asked her to move out because he "needed space"--yeah, space for his skanky girlfriend. She fought it at that point (he was going to try the "she abandoned the marriage" ploy so he could get the house) and it dragged on for months, with her getting pregnant in the middle of the mess just before the divorce was final. She gave birth a month early and my SIL and I set up her nursery--he had left town with the gf that morning to visit her family. Well to make a long story short sometime the next year she took him back--they aren't married but are living in the house, raising the daughter--he is a lazy, pathologically lying slacker.
For a few years we made the effort to do birthday parties, get the daughter gifts, etc. because although we knew the husband first (he went to HS with DH) we really liked the wife a lot better and we really thought she was crapped on. He even tried to change the keys on her a couple of times during the first part of the separation, made her bring the baby daughter to see him once for his visitation even though there was a blizzard and a level 3 snow emergency, etc. Finally a year or so ago I told DH I wasn't going to another party without him, and he called her and explained that he couldn't look this guy in the face anymore and try to pretend he could stand him and be respectful after all that he had done and what a jerk he was. He was afraid he'd tell him what he thought and ruin the bday party. She cried and said she understood, but she hasn't come to our gatherings alone either, so we never see her anymore, even though she is DS's godmother. He is going to college "online" (he is 44), 2 or 3 classes a quarter, taking business courses, and expects to get hired as soon as he graduates because he is hispanic(no flames, his words, he expects affirmative action to get him a job)--I think he's lying, but I imagine if he does land that dream job, he'll leave her all over again.
DH saw her BIL at a home show last year and they talked about it--her family is angry that he is still using her and not working while she works her tail off, and he makes his MIL take the daughter to school because he's "working" at his online courses! They said they wished more people were straight with her.
Please no lectures about "well if she accepts him why shouldn't you"...the only people they socialize with now are his friends who are cut from the same cloth (cheat on wives, etc.). The whole HS group he used to hang out with has gone. I just wish we could have her and the child without him.
Robin M.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I think the married person is much more to blame, he's the one cheating. This woman isn't cheating on anyone. That doesn't make her woman of the year, but it's somehow not on the same level as the cheater.

I agree 100%. Don't fear the other women, fear the cheating husband. If she wants your husband and he turns her down, then there can be no cheating on your husband's side.

 

[mickeyfan2]

You must have missed where I said I was starting counseling next week.

I was responding to the post that I quoted. I am glad that you are going for counseling, but you needed the counseling before entering into another marriage. Once your done I hope you realize that only your ex-husband was responsible for his cheating and nobody else.

 

[mickeyboat]

I agree 100%. Don't fear the other women, fear the cheating husband. If she wants your husband and he turns her down, then there can be no cheating on your husband's side.

Here's my take on it, for what it's worth.

1. I always said I would never take back a cheater. Now I am not so sure. I really hope to never have to be in that situation, and I take active measures to make sure I am not.

2. As far as who to blame, both parties to an affair are wrong. The married partner bears responsibility for the breakup of the marriage, as the one who made the promise, and the one who broke it. But a person who knowingly has an affair with a married person is still doing something wrong in a more general, moral sense. I don't think he or she should excape impunity just because he or she was not the married partner.

Denae

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I disagree. I think the married person is much more to blame, he's the one cheating. This woman isn't cheating on anyone. That doesn't make her woman of the year, but it's somehow not on the same level as the cheater.

The "participant" is as much to blame in my book, because they're knowingly (unless the cheater is telling the other person that they aren't married - we know that happens!) hurting another person's marriage. (These are the women that scare me. I just don't know who they are.)

To me they're both equally to blame, but I understand where you're coming from.

 

[goofygirl]

Nope, I couldn't get over it. Its a dealbreaker for me.

Being cheated on is such a degrading thing, I don't deserve to be degraded like that, and I am sure you do not deserve it either.


For me, all the therapy in the world wouldn't help, because the cheating has been already done. You can't unring a bell. Just my 2 cents.

I hope you get your self-esteem back if you don't have it right now. You deserve to be treated with respect. Good luck in healing.

 

[WIcruizer]

But a person who knowingly has an affair with a married person is still doing something wrong in a more general, moral sense. I don't think he or she should excape impunity just because he or she was not the married partner.

I agree, but comments were made that they are EQUALLY to blame. Someone else mentioned they're more concerned about the other women than their husband. This all falls into the "home wrecker" cliche. Well, these women can't wreck any home if the guy doesn't allow it to happen.

Yes, these women are still morally wrong. But it's interesting. Where are all these women??? I wouldn't even know where to start, because I'm not looking for it. So there could be 10 hot hoe wreckers at work, in my neighborhood, etc., but I would never know.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think that both people are responsible, but the person who is not married has not made a commitment that they are now breaking. Of course they are still wrong, but the person with the commitment has the moral responsibility to honor that commitment.

 

[Christine]

. But a person who knowingly has an affair with a married person is still doing something wrong in a more general, moral sense. I don't think he or she should excape impunity just because he or she was not the married partner.

Denae

Oh, I agree that they are doing something wrong (by OUR society's standards), however, they are not to blame for the marriage going wrong. That sits squarely on the shoulders of the married person. Saying that the "other" person is 50% at fault is almost like saying that the married "cheater" was helpless and hypnotized by lust--couldn't control themselves. Not buying that.

 

[mickeyboat]

Oh, I agree that they are doing something wrong (by OUR society's standards), however, they are not to blame for the marriage going wrong. That sits squarely on the shoulders of the married person. Saying that the "other" person is 50% at fault is almost like saying that the married "cheater" was helpless and hypnotized by lust--couldn't control themselves. Not buying that.

Christine and WI - I agree.

Denae

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I was responding to the post that I quoted. I am glad that you are going for counseling, but you needed the counseling before entering into another marriage. Once your done I hope you realize that only your ex-husband was responsible for his cheating and nobody else.

Well, in my case the trust issues didn't rear their head, until I was in another relationship. My problems didn't exist (or weren't known at the time) when I was single, because I had no reason to worry.

My ex-DH cheated on me with someone. I'll always believe that it took two to bust up my marriage. Yes, he chose his path, but she didn't have to walk it with him. While he bears responsibility, he didn't do it by himself.

 

[Disney Doll]

It was true in my case. It may have stopped with his current wive, but I'll never know.

I do know, that once I asked for the divorce, people started coming out of the woodwork telling me of other times he cheated on me.

One thing that makes me realize that there really is karma, is that my ex-DH's wife is extremely needy and jealous. If he talks to me, it has to be kept a secret from her. From what I hear, she even goes to work with him (we were self-employed and she was a general contractor that we did work for).

This tells me that the old "what goes around, comes around" idea must be working on her. She married a cheater. Now she always has to wonder if he'll cheat again. IMO, cheating stems from a lack of morals. They both have to live with what they did and they both have to wonder what kind of person they are married to. It's the least I can hope for.

You know, I have always wondered why someone would marry the person who cheated with them. I mean, what are you doing other than marrying someone who has proven they will cheat.

Beats me....

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I agree, but comments were made that they are EQUALLY to blame. Someone else mentioned they're more concerned about the other women than their husband. This all falls into the "home wrecker" cliche. Well, these women can't wreck any home if the guy doesn't allow it to happen.

That's me. I wouldn't say that I'm living in fear of a cliche. I do realize what you, and other posters on here are saying about my situation. You have to realize I'm posting about the damage done to me and me alone. I'm not saying anyone else has, or should worry about the same things I'm dealing with. And I'm sure not saying that I'm not a little screwed up about it.

Heck, I've already admitted that it's failed logic. I just don't want what I've posted to get taken out of context. I'm talking about issues in my own little head. Issues - not reality. The issues are affecting my reality. Does that make sense? It's hard to talk about it without me sounding wishy-washy, because I am!

Yes, these women are still morally wrong. But it's interesting. Where are all these women??? I wouldn't even know where to start, because I'm not looking for it. So there could be 10 hot hoe wreckers at work, in my neighborhood, etc., but I would never know.

Reading this makes me feel good. This is what my DH tells me. He's a good man and I would be destroyed if he ever hurt me the way my ex did. I just have to re-learn how to fully, 100% let go and trust again. If I could believe that about my DH - and I'll get there, I'm sure of it - I just need some help to sort it all out, I'll be home free.

You sound like you're a happily married man. That's great!

 

[Christine]

That's me. I wouldn't say that I'm living in fear of a cliche. I do realize what you, and other posters on here are saying about my situation. You have to realize I'm posting about the damage done to me and me alone. I'm not saying anyone else has, or should worry about the same things I'm dealing with. And I'm sure not saying that I'm not a little screwed up about it.

Heck, I've already admitted that it's failed logic. I just don't want what I've posted to get taken out of context. I'm talking about issues in my own little head. Issues - not reality. The issues are affecting my reality. Does that make sense? It's hard to talk about it without me sounding wishy-washy, because I am!



Reading this makes me feel good. This is what my DH tells me. He's a good man and I would be destroyed if he ever hurt me the way my ex did. I just have to re-learn how to fully, 100% let go and trust again. If I could believe that about my DH - and I'll get there, I'm sure of it - I just need some help to sort it all out, I'll be home free.

You sound like you're a happily married man. That's great!

There are LOTS of good men out there!! I work in a predominantly male field and have quite a few male friends, all of which are married. I know which ones would cheat and which ones wouldn't. Believe me, the majority of them LOVE female friendships and company, but they wouldn't dream of cheating on their wives. But I will say that there are a small few that stick out in my mind and they are disgusting.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

You know, I have always wondered why someone would marry the person who cheated with them. I mean, what are you doing other than marrying someone who has proven they will cheat.

Beats me....

Exactly! It like they've won. Won, what??? A lifetime of worry?

I wonder how long it takes these couples to snap?

When you think about it, it is supreme justice.

 

[Disney Doll]

I just got through saying to someone else, that it isn't my husband who I don't trust, it's the women out there. I know of several who've busted up marriages, with children involved, mine not included.

It takes two, and the women, or men who are on the receiving end, are just as guilty, IMO.

I think everyone realizes that, but since most of us are posting based off of our own experiences, it comes off sounding like we're never to blame.

I trust my husband not to cheat. If he ever chose to cheat, it would be his choice. The fact that a woman offers, doesn't mean he has to take the offer. That's called personal responsibility.

I agree that it takes two to cheat, and again, two people make the choice...the man and the woman.

And I feel that it's the same with a woman. If she chose to cheat on her husband, it's her choice. If a man offers to cheat, it doesn't mean she has to take the offer.

It's all about integrity and choice.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

There are LOTS of good men out there!! I work in a predominantly male field and have quite a few male friends, all of which are married. I know which ones would cheat and which ones wouldn't. Believe me, the majority of them LOVE female friendships and company, but they wouldn't dream of cheating on their wives. But I will say that there are a small few that stick out in my mind and they are disgusting.

While I believe you are a wonderful, to be trusted person, this would make me a nervous wreck! The "me" am now. Hopefully the "me" I'll become will be able to shrug it off and be grateful that my DH has good friends of both sexes.

I think I just had an mini-epiphany. I think I worry more about my DH being exposed to temptation, because I don't know how well I'd handle it, vs. not trusting him. I think I'd drive myself crazy and ruin my marriage. I'd probably drive my DH away.

It's really such a sickening, sinking feeling. I just want to avoid it. I'd like to keep him in a bubble. I NEVER used to be like this.

 

[Disney Doll]

I know this woman. She is single, never married. She has repeatedly had affairs with married men. She attempts to justify it by saying that he's the one cheating since he's the one who's married. And her feeling is that she's not the doing anything wrong because if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat whether it's with her or someone else. She just doesn't seem to understand that she is just as much to blame as he is since she's a willing participant.

She is responsible for her behavior. He is responsible for his behavior.

I doubt she held a gun to his head to cheat. While I agree that it is disgusting behavior on her part, all he had to say was no.

 

[Disney Doll]

We had a friend that forgave. Or I guess I should say ex-friend. She found out her husband was cheating on her when he asked her to move out because he "needed space"--yeah, space for his skanky girlfriend. She fought it at that point (he was going to try the "she abandoned the marriage" ploy so he could get the house) and it dragged on for months, with her getting pregnant in the middle of the mess just before the divorce was final. She gave birth a month early and my SIL and I set up her nursery--he had left town with the gf that morning to visit her family. Well to make a long story short sometime the next year she took him back--they aren't married but are living in the house, raising the daughter--he is a lazy, pathologically lying slacker.
For a few years we made the effort to do birthday parties, get the daughter gifts, etc. because although we knew the husband first (he went to HS with DH) we really liked the wife a lot better and we really thought she was crapped on. He even tried to change the keys on her a couple of times during the first part of the separation, made her bring the baby daughter to see him once for his visitation even though there was a blizzard and a level 3 snow emergency, etc. Finally a year or so ago I told DH I wasn't going to another party without him, and he called her and explained that he couldn't look this guy in the face anymore and try to pretend he could stand him and be respectful after all that he had done and what a jerk he was. He was afraid he'd tell him what he thought and ruin the bday party. She cried and said she understood, but she hasn't come to our gatherings alone either, so we never see her anymore, even though she is DS's godmother. He is going to college "online" (he is 44), 2 or 3 classes a quarter, taking business courses, and expects to get hired as soon as he graduates because he is hispanic(no flames, his words, he expects affirmative action to get him a job)--I think he's lying, but I imagine if he does land that dream job, he'll leave her all over again.
DH saw her BIL at a home show last year and they talked about it--her family is angry that he is still using her and not working while she works her tail off, and he makes his MIL take the daughter to school because he's "working" at his online courses! They said they wished more people were straight with her.
Please no lectures about "well if she accepts him why shouldn't you"...the only people they socialize with now are his friends who are cut from the same cloth (cheat on wives, etc.). The whole HS group he used to hang out with has gone. I just wish we could have her and the child without him.
Robin M.

She has no one to blame but herself for her situation.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but at a certain point, if you allow someone to take advantage of you, they will.