breaking up

[dis-me]

can anyone who has ever been the victim of a long-term relationship being broken up unexpectedly by the other party, please tell me how you managed to get over this. BF has just ended things totally out of the blue after four very happy years.

needless to say im devastated...

 

[binny]

One day at a time. Thats the only way that I know of.




God Bless.

 

[kdibattista]

I'm sorry

 

[mom23boys]

I am sorry.

 

[Princess Mindy]

first of all I feel for you, I really do. Its hard to deal with something like this, especially if its unexpected. Did he give a reason why? Sometimes DBFs break things off because they have a need to see what else is out there before settling down or something. Its perfectly natural. A friend of mine did this to his Dfi (right before the wedding mind you, not recommended). So maybe hes just having a little commitment crisis.

But my advice to you from someone who knows is, even if it stays broken up, just do something nice for yourself, something you wouldn't allow yourself to do when you were together. Go spend a lot of time with your friends and family. You may want to be alone, but it hurts less when there are people around to comfort you-believe me. You may feel terrible now, but you will get through it. Just breathe.

 

[dis-me]

One day at a time. Thats the only way that I know of.




God Bless.

Thank you, I will try. Today is the first day and its been so painful. My next biggest obstacle is answering 'how was your weekend' at work tomorrow without losing my composure.

 

[GIOny]

Submerge yourself in people and things (like the Dis boards) that love you back ! It's always hard to get over these things, especially if you never saw it coming, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel . Just remember, it's his loss!!

 

[ILUVMYBRIT]

I'm sorry . As said above, one day at a time. Its so very hard at first, I know. Everything will remind you of him. Keep busy. Go out with some friends. Do something for yourself...get a day of beauty for a pick me up and to feel good about yourself. Try to remember that you can and will go on without him and that we are not defined by anyone else...you are your own important person with or without him.

 

[Patty3]

I am so sorry. Do you think that he is just getting cold feet? As others have suggested, try and take it one day at a time.

 

[dis-me]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, please keep it coming as I'm at a loss here.

It was so unexpected, we had a small argument yesterday - I mean really nothing to write home about - and the outcome was that he said it was the last straw and he no longer wants to be with me.

I know on here no one knows me so may have their doubts about whether i am being naive/telling a one sided story. But honestly we'd been talking about our forthcoming (now cancelled) WDW trip and how much in love we were, just ten minutes before the fight happened. and we genuinely and I mean genuinely had a really good, argument-free relationship. I'm in total shock

 

[dis-me]

I am so sorry. Do you think that he is just getting cold feet? As others have suggested, try and take it one day at a time.

I don't have a clue - honestly. I wish I knew but he won't talk to me. He says it's because I treat him bad, but I can only tell you (and hope you will all give me the benefit of the doubt) that this really was not the case. It was the most minor argument and the first like that in almost a year...
ETA: I know people will read the above and assume I was treating him bad and too dumb/mean to realise. But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I'm sorry. It happened to me once, and it seemed like it took months for me to get to the point where I wouldn't cry just thinking about him. Did he give you a reason? You've been given some good advice by others here. Surround yourself with friends and those who love you, keep yourself busy. It will be hard, but eventually this storm will pass. Take care.

 

[MushyMushy]

You poor thing, I'm so sorry!

I agree with the others. You just need to keep yourself busy and occupied, but also allow yourself time to grieve the relationship without letting that grief overwhelm you.

 

[dis-me]

You poor thing, I'm so sorry!

I agree with the others. You just need to keep yourself busy and occupied, but also allow yourself time to grieve the relationship without letting that grief overwhelm you.

thanks mushymushy - its the overwhelming-ness that is the worst. It just keeps hitting me that we're not going to florida, i can't call him to say hi, i won't see him or kiss him again. the thought of it keeps bringing on panic-attacks.

 

[Poohbear123]

thanks mushymushy - its the overwhelming-ness that is the worst. It just keeps hitting me that we're not going to florida, i can't call him to say hi, i won't see him or kiss him again. the thought of it keeps bringing on panic-attacks.

You will recover, believe me. Apparantly he wanted to not be with you, and the "final Straw" was his way out. Maybe he will come to his senses and contact you. If he does, I wouldn't be too excited to talk to him.

 

[dis-me]

You will recover, believe me. Apparantly he wanted to not be with you, and the "final Straw" was his way out. Maybe he will come to his senses and contact you. If he does, I wouldn't be too excited to talk to him.

That has what everyone has said - that 'the last straw' was just an excuse for something else. who knows what...
I hope it does get easier but at the moment it hurts so badly.

 

[LBelle]

My nephew's GF of 2 years came to me just last month DEVASTATED by exactly the same thing you have just experienced. They are both only 21 yrs. old. This had just come out of nowhere for her also, so not only are you having to deal with the break up, you ALSO have the mind-boggling CONFUSION about "what the **** just happened here??!! I truly believe it is soooo much harder when you just CANNOT for the life of you put your finger on ANY reason! I do NOT think you are naive in any way...this DOES sometimes happen FOR NO REASON at all and it is made worse by people thinking that you must have just been blind to the "problems" that there MUST have been in order for 1 person to end things so suddenly. You are not blind and, most likely, have truly not DONE anything to warrant this sudden demise of such a long-time relationship.

All I could tell Kelly was this:

DO NOT CALL HIM FOR ANY REASON!!!!!!!! Sit on your hands, call me, come over here even if it is 4 in the morning, whatever it takes! Here's why: if he told you there is NO reason, that he's "just confused" or he "needs some time", etc. you will get NOWHERE with him by calling him, trying to see him, etc. You MUST make HIM wonder about YOU!!! Everytime you call him, or go over to try to see him, etc, he'll know EXACTLY where YOU stand, how you feel, etc. He WILL HAVE NO REASON TO WORRY! If, on the other hand, you DO NOT behave as he is EXPECTING you to behave, he WILL have reason to WORRY!!! "Hmmm, what's going on here"? "Why isn't she trying to get me to come back"?, etc. etc...

It took EXACTLY 19 DAYS for my nephew to call Kelly!! She DID NOT call him after the very first day that he broke up with her. It was VERY, VERY difficult for her and she was here or on the phone with me more times than I can count (unbeknownst to my nephew, of course!), started going out with her friends, ran into him twice during this time while at the same bar and she and her friend LEFT to go somewhere else!!! I was sooo PROUD of her, as that was the most difficult thing she had to do!! BUT, THAT is EXACTLY what brought HIM to HER door the VERY NEXT DAY!!!!!!

Now, there is obviously no guarantee that this will work in all cases, but it is ALMOST a sure thing! If it does NOT work, then at the very least, you will NEVER have to feel ashamed of anthing you tried to do or anything you said, and that is ALSO good for YOUR SOUL!!

Keep your chin up, dive in the shower, do your hair, throw on a bit of makeup and HEAD TO THE BEACH TODAY!!!!

Good luck, and remember, the DIS is ALWAYS OPEN, even at 4am!!

 

[Tink33]

. But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

4 years of tiptoeing is a long time. Please do something special for yourself with the money you were planning for vacation.

 

[disykat]

It happened to me once. I lived alone and it happened on a Thursday, so I missed work Friday and spent several days in bed with "the flu" because I was so overwhelmed. I think mainly it was just the surprise of it - because I totally didn't see it coming. Looking back I know it was for the best and I have only fond memories of him. It was about 20 years ago.

I know you probably feel like you've been sucker punched, but you will get through this!

 

[Disney Doll]

Oh boy...I feel for you.

I remember those days of having a long-term BF & then boom! They're gone.

I dated a guy for about 1.5 years. We got along nicely, always had a good time together. We weren't engaged, but had spent the last 2 months of our relationship looking at houses on the weekend for when we got married, so I assumed that it was a matter of time. Then his sister got engaged after dating a guy for a short while, and everyone was like "When are you 2 going to get engaged?" to ex-BF & I. I think it scared the crap out of him, so he broke up with me.

Devastating. Like you've been kicked in the gut...

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get through the day without crying. Kept imagining all the things that wouldn't happen...we wouldn't be living in the cute little red house we saw, we wouldn't be travelling across the country in an RV together and so on. We had made plans, and suddenly, they were gone.

What did I do? I worked like a dog. I am a nurse, so my job requires a fair amount of concentration and involvement, and if you are concentrating on not killing people, you can't think of much else. I called on my friends to help me through it. We did things, went places, kept busy. I willed myself not to wallow too much in the break-up...and you can do it. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your reaction to them.

Slowly, I was able to be far enough "away" from the relationship to realize that it wasn't as perfect as I had thought. I began to examine things about the relationship, and realized that I had not been #1 in his life...his friends and the volunteer fire dept. were. I realized that I expended a lot more effort on the relationship than he did. I realized that I walked on eggshells so as to not get him angry at me because then he might do the unthinkable and break up with me.

And then you know what? I realized that while he was probably my first "love" he wouldn't be my best one. He was an important one, because I was able to analyze what was good and bad in the relationship, which allowed me to know what I wanted from a partner. I wanted a partner who put me first. I wanted a partner who contributed equally to the relationship in terms of commitment to making it work. I wanted a partner I could trust to stay by my side when things were bad or hard or we were fighting or one of us was sick. I didn't want to be the one always tiptoeing around to make sure everything was always nicey-nice and he was happy.

I wanted a life partner, somoone as committed to our relationship as I would be.

And you know what? I found him. It took a while. I didn't date for a while after the break up, because I was interested in working on me without any "interference" from anyone else. Then I went on a few dates with a few different types of guys...nice, every one of them, and from each of them I learned things too.

It was probably about 1.5 years after the break-up that I met DH, took things very slowly with him, we dated, we courted, we got to know each other. He told me he loved me. I couldn't quite say it back at that time, and I was honest with him about it. He understood. He was patient and committed and one day I realized that I had probably loved him all along, and my fear was the last vestiges of the hurt from the past relationship.

DH & I are going on 15 years married, 18 years together. Am I glad about the hurt and pain caused by the other break-up? Of course I am, because it got me what I have now, which is my true partner.

So use your grief wisely...it is a gift you have been given, even if you don't feel that way right now.

If it is meant to be with this man, it will be. If it is not, then what is meant to be will be. The Universe always unfolds as it should.

Come here to your DIS friends whenever you need to. PM me whenever you need to.