breaking up

[kdibattista]

I would take your best friend on that Disney trip

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

This line is telling. It means your relationship was not as happy as you thought it was.
A good relationship that is solid does not require tiptoeing.
Which in turn means he was also not happy.

It takes time to sort this out in your mind. Give yourself some time to accept reality. You don't have to be "over" the relationship in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month.

One day it hits you and you stand up and move on.

 

[chell]

I don't have a clue - honestly. I wish I knew but he won't talk to me. He says it's because I treat him bad, but I can only tell you (and hope you will all give me the benefit of the doubt) that this really was not the case. It was the most minor argument and the first like that in almost a year...
ETA: I know people will read the above and assume I was treating him bad and too dumb/mean to realise. But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

That last part shows me that you are much, much better off without him. You should NEVER have to be that way. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on egg shells? No one does. I know it isn't easy but like someone else said, just take it one day at a time and keep breathing. Each new day will bring extra smiles for you and pretty soon you will look back on this and see how much happier you are without him.

One day you will find someone you can completely be yourself around.

 

[slk537]

Do something for yourself!!! Pamper yourself. Let yourself cry, wail, wonder...but I agree...do not call him!!!

Think about your relationship...was he your best friend? Could you talk to him about anything? Was he supportive of you in everything? Was he (as Dr Phil has said) your "soft place to land"...? You mentioned walking on egg shells and I don't know if that was a normal occurence, or just something recent. Was he truly the man you want to end every day for the rest of your life with? Or was he someone you've become comfortable with for four years? If he wasn't your very best friend...you deserve more.

Can you take Monday and Tuesday off? Call in sick? Spend the days letting this sink in and doing what you need to take care of yourself? When my mom was killed it was sudden and a shock. I actually had my DH tell my boss when he called that I wanted my privacy respected when I came back...I couldn't deal with people asking me and making me talk about it. I can totally understand how you don't want to answer the "so...how was your weekend?" question.

Time is definitely your best ally. But in the immediate? Take care of yourself. Sleep. Eat things you like. Watch funny movies. Call your friends. Don't call him. Take care of you.

 

[LBelle]

Oh my.... How on Earth did I miss the "tiptoeing on eggshells" line before I posted last time??

I still stand by what I said in my first post but, BIG BUT....you should NEVER have to feel that way in a solid, mature relationship! I know that I HAVE been there before, about 15yrs. ago, and was all devastated when I was unceremoniously DUMPED after 3 LONG YEARS of my B*** kissing!!

It wasn't until I met my DH 13 years ago that I could see what a truly GOOD relationship was all about! Now, after gaining 1 husband, 1 DS (10yrs.old), about 25 lbs (since I NEVER ate whilst tiptoeing around before!) and a healthy dose of self-esteem, I can see that it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me (the being dumped part). That ex, by the way, is my BF's brother, so I see and/or hear about him regularly...he has NOTHING going for him, 2 failed "marriages", 3 child support payments that he regularly misses due to his CHRONIC unemployment AND the only thing he has managed to gain in all these years is about 40lbs.!!!!!!! Oh, and he can't stand the fact that I have a VERY HUNKY 6 ft. 4" firefighter hubbynow!!!!

As all others before me have already said: this too, shall pass
You know where to find us at ANY time!!!

 

[momrek06]

DIS-ME: This happened to me as well. Dated my BF for almost 4 years(20-24)when he announces.."maybe we need a break"...WHATTT, I thought we were going to "settle down..make this permanent?"!! I was devastated. (this was the month of August) I had no choice but to re-think everything, move on, move up and focus on ME. Call all my friends, visit relatives I had not seen in a while, spend time with my family (3 sisters) and throw myself into my job. The girls at work were awesome. We would go out after work and just have FUN. One night (September) I was in a bar in Harvard Sq and met my NOW DH. He was sitting there, just finished classes at HU was having a beer and started talking to me....BINGO in 3 months we were engaged and a year to that date we were married. And now it has been 25 heavenly years. OH, the old BF, found out quickly just how much I got my life together and moved on and basically was (short of harassement) calling me and wanting to know what MY DEAL WAS...the deal, buddy, was I AM UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY AND IN LOVE!!!!

DIS-ME: I know it is so easy for us to come on here and say all these things today to you because you are in so much pain...but read all these fabulous Posts from all these fabulous DISer's and you will see the LIGHT...you really will. Today you are in pain and sooner than later, you will work through this time in your life and you will come out the WINNER!!! I have faith in you! You are a doll-baby and LIFE DOES GO ON!!!

 

[SillyMe]

I'm sorry. Can you take someone else to Disney with you? Take a friend and have a good time.

 

[dis-me]

hi everyone. I just wanted to say THANKS. these posts are genuinely helping me. Please keep them coming, they really are doing me some good.

 

[LBelle]

One day it hits you and you stand up and move on.

VERY well said!!

 

[dis-me]

I would take your best friend on that Disney trip

just called her and asked her!

 

[MareQ]

just called her and asked her!

Good for you!

You need to move on even if you don't feel like you want to. Maintain your dignity. Do not call him, NEVER BEG, do not try to run into him somewhere, do not call mutual friends to "spy" on him or to ask about what he is doing. Become an actress - allow people to see just a tiny bit of the sadness but bottle up the rest for teh general public and only allow very close friends and family to see your real pain and confusion.

SOME men do things like this so they can see if they are in control or not - they like the power and need an EGO trip and EXPECT their GF to beg, plead, profess their love, promise to change etc- all strokes to his ego.

Maybe this is permanent - maybe it isn't - right now it's important for you to back off and allow him some space and allow yourself the time to heal from this.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I don't have a clue - honestly. I wish I knew but he won't talk to me. He says it's because I treat him bad, but I can only tell you (and hope you will all give me the benefit of the doubt) that this really was not the case. It was the most minor argument and the first like that in almost a year...
ETA: I know people will read the above and assume I was treating him bad and too dumb/mean to realise. But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

I'm not so sure I would want him back if you had to tiptoe on egg shells to keep him happy. Why is that?

 

[Buckalew11]

Thank you for all the advice everyone, please keep it coming as I'm at a loss here.

It was so unexpected, we had a small argument yesterday - I mean really nothing to write home about - and the outcome was that he said it was the last straw and he no longer wants to be with me.

I know on here no one knows me so may have their doubts about whether i am being naive/telling a one sided story. But honestly we'd been talking about our forthcoming (now cancelled) WDW trip and how much in love we were, just ten minutes before the fight happened. and we genuinely and I mean genuinely had a really good, argument-free relationship. I'm in total shock

I suppose the small arguement that led to the breakup was probably what he was waiting for. Sounds like his mind was already made up and he was looking for a way out and used the small arguement as his "last straw". Maybe he met someone else.

I broke up with a guy after dating him for 4 years with no real reason. We never had a disagreement in 4 years, my family adored him and I truly cared for him. He treated me like a queen. It was a great relationship. However, I knew I didn't want to be married to him. I can't explain it. I know I broke his heart and I didn't want to but still, 21 years later, I think I did the right thing.

Take one day at a time and move on with your life. You deserve happiness.

 

[azgal81]

You should never have to tiptoe around eggshells to make anyone happy. Who wants to do that year after year?? If you can't be yourself with him and are always afraid of not making him happy then whats the point.

I know it's hard but one day you will wake up and realize I'm over him and it will be a great feeling. He's not the guy for you and one day you will meet him it might even be at this disney trip you are taking with your friend. Wouldn't that be ironic.

 

[princess pooh]

I am so sorry . I know you must be hurting right now.

I was in the same situation several years ago. I had been in a long term relationship for four years and I got the break up call out of the blue on my birthday. I cried uncontrollably all weekend. My mom whisked me away to disney and I spent a lot of time with my friends to distract myself. It took a while but things slowly got better.

Take things one day at a time and I promise things will get better. But whatever you do - don't call him. Put a big post it on your phone to remind you not to call. He's hurt you enough.

 

[dis-me]

I'm not so sure I would want him back if you had to tiptoe on egg shells to keep him happy. Why is that?

I don't really know. Because I love him I guess. He didn't like for me to say anything disagreeable/angry to him, so i bit my tongue at all times to keep him happy. But that of course was because he was a great boyfriend apart from that, hence worth that concession.

 

[mickeyfan1]

I don't really know. Because I love him I guess. He didn't like for me to say anything disagreeable/angry to him, so i bit my tongue at all times to keep him happy. But that of course was because he was a great boyfriend apart from that, hence worth that concession.

He was NOT a great boyfriend. He was a controlling jerk. In a relationship there are 2 people. IF one person in always biting back words or walking on eggshells, that isn't a healthy relationship at all. Be glad he decided that he had enough. As time goes on, you will see that he was probably always wanting to be in charge. You were probably always doing what he wanted because it was easier to go along to get along. Not good.

Go to WDW with your friend. Do not call this guy, do not let him into your thoughts all day and night. It's not worth it. THere are many more people in the world with whom you can have relationships with, and the best ones are those where the other person values you for you, not for being the person that you think they need you to be.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't really know. Because I love him I guess. He didn't like for me to say anything disagreeable/angry to him, so i bit my tongue at all times to keep him happy. But that of course was because he was a great boyfriend apart from that, hence worth that concession.

Interesting...Of course this now falls into the "which parent did you have to tiptoe around to make happy" and then from there you can see that having a BF which mirrored your childhood was your way of "fixing" your past.
But in the end your past is your past and you can't fix it, but you can accept it for what it was and move to be healthier so you can meet someone who is as equally healthy.

 

[dis-me]

Interesting...Of course this now falls into the "which parent did you have to tiptoe around to make happy" and then from there you can see that having a BF which mirrored your childhood was your way of "fixing" your past.
But in the end your past is your past and you can't fix it, but you can accept it for what it was and move to be healthier so you can meet someone who is as equally healthy.

Woah spooky - my mother was the parent i tip-toed round. how did you know that?

Should add also that by saying i bit my tongue to keep him happy, the reason it didn't feel like he was a jerk was because he was usually happy to go along with my plans and what i wanted to do. It was my opinions/feelings that he would object to and i would have to bite my tongue.

But on a nicer note, my friend is going to check a few things and call me back about when we can go to disney!

 

[taeja71]

no words regarding your relationship. I think the posters here have it covered. I hope your trip to WDW works out. Have fun planning if you can go. You deserve it.