breaking up

[luvsmickeymouse]

Oh boy...I feel for you.

I remember those days of having a long-term BF & then boom! They're gone.

I dated a guy for about 1.5 years. We got along nicely, always had a good time together. We weren't engaged, but had spent the last 2 months of our relationship looking at houses on the weekend for when we got married, so I assumed that it was a matter of time. Then his sister got engaged after dating a guy for a short while, and everyone was like "When are you 2 going to get engaged?" to ex-BF & I. I think it scared the crap out of him, so he broke up with me.

Devastating. Like you've been kicked in the gut...

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get through the day without crying. Kept imagining all the things that wouldn't happen...we wouldn't be living in the cute little red house we saw, we wouldn't be travelling across the country in an RV together and so on. We had made plans, and suddenly, they were gone.

What did I do? I worked like a dog. I am a nurse, so my job requires a fair amount of concentration and involvement, and if you are concentrating on not killing people, you can't think of much else. I called on my friends to help me through it. We did things, went places, kept busy. I willed myself not to wallow too much in the break-up...and you can do it. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your reaction to them.

Slowly, I was able to be far enough "away" from the relationship to realize that it wasn't as perfect as I had thought. I began to examine things about the relationship, and realized that I had not been #1 in his life...his friends and the volunteer fire dept. were. I realized that I expended a lot more effort on the relationship than he did. I realized that I walked on eggshells so as to not get him angry at me because then he might do the unthinkable and break up with me.

And then you know what? I realized that while he was probably my first "love" he wouldn't be my best one. He was an important one, because I was able to analyze what was good and bad in the relationship, which allowed me to know what I wanted from a partner. I wanted a partner who put me first. I wanted a partner who contributed equally to the relationship in terms of commitment to making it work. I wanted a partner I could trust to stay by my side when things were bad or hard or we were fighting or one of us was sick. I didn't want to be the one always tiptoeing around to make sure everything was always nicey-nice and he was happy.

I wanted a life partner, somoone as committed to our relationship as I would be.

And you know what? I found him. It took a while. I didn't date for a while after the break up, because I was interested in working on me without any "interference" from anyone else. Then I went on a few dates with a few different types of guys...nice, every one of them, and from each of them I learned things too.

It was probably about 1.5 years after the break-up that I met DH, took things very slowly with him, we dated, we courted, we got to know each other. He told me he loved me. I couldn't quite say it back at that time, and I was honest with him about it. He understood. He was patient and committed and one day I realized that I had probably loved him all along, and my fear was the last vestiges of the hurt from the past relationship.

DH & I are going on 15 years married, 18 years together. Am I glad about the hurt and pain caused by the other break-up? Of course I am, because it got me what I have now, which is my true partner.

So use your grief wisely...it is a gift you have been given, even if you don't feel that way right now.

If it is meant to be with this man, it will be. If it is not, then what is meant to be will be. The Universe always unfolds as it should.

Come here to your DIS friends whenever you need to. PM me whenever you need to.

Wow, this is awesome, this is what i needed to hear. Thanks, I needed to read this and I didn't even start the thread.

 

[dis-me]

Wow, this is awesome, this is what i needed to hear. Thanks, I needed to read this and I didn't even start the thread.

Same here (and i did start it) this post is great.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

If you were walking on eggshells to keep him happy, breathe a sigh of relief it's over!!

 

[dis-me]

If you were walking on eggshells to keep him happy, breathe a sigh of relief it's over!!

I guess so. The difficult part is that I didn't mind walking on egg-shells for him. I keep looking for a part of me that didn't like walking on egg-shells and was getting sick of it. But unfortunately I can't find it.

 

[mt2]

This is what I always remembered when a break up occured. When DH an I found each other all of it made sense.

"If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is nto quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things,believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:3-8

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess so. The difficult part is that I didn't mind walking on egg-shells for him. I keep looking for a part of me that didn't like walking on egg-shells and was getting sick of it. But unfortunately I can't find it.

You can't find it right now because your heart is broken and you are idealizing him into the perfect man.

Give yourself the gift of time, which will lend perspective. Reread what you wrote...he objected to your feelings and opinions.

Think about that. You had to keep your feelings & opinions to yourself, for fear of...offending him, upsetting him, angering him? Feelings and opinions are a huge part of a relationship, and not something you should keep to yourself for fear of upsetting the one person who should hear them...your partner.

Believe me, eventually you would have tired of walking on eggshells. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

And think of one more thing...2 days ago, if someone had asked you, you probably would have said that one of the worst things that could happen is for you two to break up. Yet, here it is. And you have survived. You didn't die. You didn't crawl into a hole. You didn't wind up hospitalized from trying to kill yourself. You're here, posting on the DIS and planning a Disney trip with a friend.

You have been given a gift, my friend...you don't realize it yet, it will take time, but one of these days, you will appreciate the gift for what it is.

 

[goofygirl]

can anyone who has ever been the victim of a long-term relationship being broken up unexpectedly by the other party, please tell me how you managed to get over this. BF has just ended things totally out of the blue after four very happy years.

needless to say im devastated...

I hear ya sister! Been there, done that.

I threw myself into my job, my spirituality, seeing my friends, my cats, travel, hobbies and joining many social groups. Keeping busy really helps.

Believe it or not, awhile from now you'll look back and think, " I was with HIM?? What was I thinking??" Hindsight is 20/20.

 

[jenks0718]

My nephew's GF of 2 years came to me just last month DEVASTATED by exactly the same thing you have just experienced. They are both only 21 yrs. old. This had just come out of nowhere for her also, so not only are you having to deal with the break up, you ALSO have the mind-boggling CONFUSION about "what the **** just happened here??!! I truly believe it is soooo much harder when you just CANNOT for the life of you put your finger on ANY reason! I do NOT think you are naive in any way...this DOES sometimes happen FOR NO REASON at all and it is made worse by people thinking that you must have just been blind to the "problems" that there MUST have been in order for 1 person to end things so suddenly. You are not blind and, most likely, have truly not DONE anything to warrant this sudden demise of such a long-time relationship.

All I could tell Kelly was this:

DO NOT CALL HIM FOR ANY REASON!!!!!!!! Sit on your hands, call me, come over here even if it is 4 in the morning, whatever it takes! Here's why: if he told you there is NO reason, that he's "just confused" or he "needs some time", etc. you will get NOWHERE with him by calling him, trying to see him, etc. You MUST make HIM wonder about YOU!!! Everytime you call him, or go over to try to see him, etc, he'll know EXACTLY where YOU stand, how you feel, etc. He WILL HAVE NO REASON TO WORRY! If, on the other hand, you DO NOT behave as he is EXPECTING you to behave, he WILL have reason to WORRY!!! "Hmmm, what's going on here"? "Why isn't she trying to get me to come back"?, etc. etc...

It took EXACTLY 19 DAYS for my nephew to call Kelly!! She DID NOT call him after the very first day that he broke up with her. It was VERY, VERY difficult for her and she was here or on the phone with me more times than I can count (unbeknownst to my nephew, of course!), started going out with her friends, ran into him twice during this time while at the same bar and she and her friend LEFT to go somewhere else!!! I was sooo PROUD of her, as that was the most difficult thing she had to do!! BUT, THAT is EXACTLY what brought HIM to HER door the VERY NEXT DAY!!!!!!

Now, there is obviously no guarantee that this will work in all cases, but it is ALMOST a sure thing! If it does NOT work, then at the very least, you will NEVER have to feel ashamed of anthing you tried to do or anything you said, and that is ALSO good for YOUR SOUL!!

Keep your chin up, dive in the shower, do your hair, throw on a bit of makeup and HEAD TO THE BEACH TODAY!!!!

Good luck, and remember, the DIS is ALWAYS OPEN, even at 4am!!

GREAT GREAT ADVICE

 

[sajetto]

Oh girl this DEFINITELY happened to me. I was with a guy for 3 1/2 years we were well on our way to marriage and he joined the Navy. We continued making plans, he always said how much he loved me, and I thought he was absolutely wonderful. Then after being in the Navy for about 8 months we had one week that was just a little rocky and he dumped me out of no where and he had the nerve to tell me how much he loved me while he was breaking up with me. He told me that it was for my own good and I would be happier because of it and you know what......HE WAS RIGHT! I was miserable at the time, crying my eyes out, turning to my parents to console me, and just down right depressed.

Finally I pulled myself together, started spending time with friends, got a new hairstyle, started tanning, and taking better care of myself. I then began online dating and I met the real MR. RIGHT. At the time I thought there would never be better than my ex, but boy was I wrong. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you are going to thank God that this loser is out of your life. I thank God everyday for the pain and agony I went through because it made me take charge of my life and taught me what I should really look for in a man. What I learned from a bad relationship is what lead me to a fantastic relationship. Trust me, give it time and you'll see that everything in your life is going to be better now.

 

[Stacerita]

Believe it or not, awhile from now you'll look back and think, " I was with HIM?? What was I thinking??" Hindsight is 20/20.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Woah spooky - my mother was the parent i tip-toed round. how did you know that?

Oh, because I finally have clarity. Was not easy...Took till I was 40.

It is basic psychology. You always wanted to have that close "mother-daughter" relationship and never could get it...
You try and hope it is going to be different with your BF.
Then you would have the sense that you conquered your mom, so to speak.
Does that make sense? Like it will fix a hole that is there, a yearning inside of you.

But in the end, what you realize is that you cannot "fix" the relationship of people that you have to tiptoe around and your past/present is still the same. SOOOO...

You have to become a healthy person that can be with someone who you can be yourself. No tiptoeing.
Not easy...esp. if it was your mom you had to tip-toe around. I am sure it was a pretty heavy mind trip. Maybe it still is?

Perhaps explore that part of yourself and see where you go.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

Been there! I was married for 3 years when my then husband announced he "wasn't happy" and left me with two little kids 14 months and 5 weeks. I too, was devastated. I found that exercise helped me work out some of my anger. I also remember mowing the lawn and singing the old song "It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache..." at the top of my lungs. I too had been walking on eggshells with this man but didn't realize it until I met my now DH of 8 years. It wasn't until I met him that I realized that it didn't have to be that way - that I shouldn't have to "work" to be loved. I'm sooo much happier and greatful that he left.

As for my ex, I found out why he was "not happy" when he moved in with a man within two months of us splitting up. That relationship didn't work out, but he has met another man that he's been with now for 5 years. He is happier and a much better father now. It worked out for the best for both of us.

Spend a lot of time with your friends, listen to some good music, and work out your anger through exercise. You'll see a light at the end of the tunnel before long.

 

[heatherlynn444]

well....here is my two sense. you ask how each of us "got through it" and I must honeslty say if it wasn't for Jesus Christ, I dont know what I would have done. and no don't worry I am not going to preach. just wanted to put that out there. my BF of 3 years gave me the boot a week after a great valentines day. we were not even fighting. it was so random. it was 3 days before our 3 year, and i think he got freaked out. I was absolutely devestated. It was a wednesday and i drove home from college the next morning and stayed till sunday and just cried my eyes out. I thought my life was over. I stopped eating and talking to anyone. After about 2 weeks, I wanted to see him, b/c I thought if I was a "better person" and he saw me being "better" he would want me back. so I tried to "change" for him, and tried to hang out with him all the time.

this is a BAD IDEA. I later learned the hard way it is a lot easier if you distance yourself from the person for awhile until you can get over them. trying to be a "friend" right away before the wound has healed just makes it more difficult. summer came and I didn't see him for 4 months. I got my life back on track, and realized he wasn't the person God had for me anyway. we had some problems I had been ignoring. anyway,

so I go back to school in August, he says i've "changed" and begs for me to get back togteher with him. I said HECK NO! and went on with my life. a week after school started I met my Prince Charming and we are disneymooing in January! I am no SO glad I got dumped b/c I never would have met my wonderful fiance!

right now you can only see a small piece of the puzzle. but thats ok! eventually you will be able to step back and see things work together and fit, and then you will get it! sometimes it takes awhile but you can do it!

my "single" time was a GREAT time for me to be independent and rekindle some friendships I had let turn sour b/c of all the time i spent with my BF. look at it as a blessing in disguise and it will give you a whole new outlook. you can do it!

 

[chell]

just called her and asked her!

AWESOME!!!

 

[vetrik]

I have also been there. I dated a guy for 3 1/2 years when he suddenly called me (he was in the Army) and told me he was in love with his best friend.

I was devastated. I was in college, and it was during finals. I ended up doing pretty horribly that semester. My parents really supported me during the first few days, and my friends were great.

The grief was bad at first. My stomach was upset, I didn't want to eat. I couldn't get used to the idea that our plans would never come to be, that I wouldn't know what was going on in his life everyday anymore. After a couple weeks, I started getting angry. I suggest accomodating this phase when it comes as I think it can be quite cleansing, as long as it's not illegal or destructive! I went to a hiking trail we had walked often and threw a ring he had given me off a bridge into a river. It made me feel so much better!

I really think time is the best healer, although I know that is hard to hear when you're in the midst of the worst. I started feeling better and better as time went on, and started realizing that maybe I was even better off. It's amazing what we'll put up with in a relationship because we think it's what makes us happy, but in reality, when we look back on it we realize how unhealty it was. My ex never had a license or a job while we dated (until he joined the Army and got a real full time job). I supported him and drove him everywhere. I started to enjoy my freedom!

When I'd been single about 10 months, I got set up on a date with my now-DH. As our relationship progressed, I finally knew what a real, loving, mature relationship was supposed to be like, and actually made me grateful to my ex for dumping me. My DH and I have been together 6 1/2 years, married for 2. We have a fantastic life - while my ex still doesn't have a job and is supported by his wife.

Good luck to you! I hope you enjoy your trip to Disney with your friend - it can be hard to get out and do things, but it does make you feel better.

 

[famofsix]

I don't have a clue - honestly. I wish I knew but he won't talk to me. He says it's because I treat him bad, but I can only tell you (and hope you will all give me the benefit of the doubt) that this really was not the case. It was the most minor argument and the first like that in almost a year...
ETA: I know people will read the above and assume I was treating him bad and too dumb/mean to realise. But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

This happened to me a long time ago but looking back HE wasn't right for me anyway and in time I met a great guy and married him. We have 4 kids and we are so happy.
Your future is bright and you don't have to walk on egg shells with a man who loves you unconditionally. Use this as an opportunity to grow and believe me someone will come along in time. Give yourself time to heal and surround yourself with positive people.
I am sorry your are hurting. God bless!

 

[love8me]

sorry to hear that......it will always be hard at first but i know you will get through this pain...

keep yourself busy...be with your friends...if you wanna cry, cry...crying is one way of letting the pain out but don't make it a habit. and i agree, take one day at a time...

this is the best time to treat & pamper yourself...

 

[scraptoons]

But I tiptoed on egg-shells to keep him happy.

I don't know that you meant it to sound this way....
but I see this as a big time red flag.

Going into a marriage having to tip toe around isn't a good thing. Maybe he saw the light. Being happy together is supposed to be natural, not a tip toe thing.

No one has to make some one happy. Each person is responsible for his/her own happiness. It's an unfair burden to expect someone else to make us happy.

When the two parties are content with themselves, then being together is just a compliment.

Not that that takes all the work out of a potential marriage. Each day of a marriage, you have to wake up and choose to be in love and be thoughtful of that person year after year after year.

Wishing you the best. Maybe he is just going thru a phase and you'll be back together. If not, it's for the best. I know it's hard for you, but it is definately far better and easier to break up now, than go thru a divorce years down the road if you were to go through with a marriage.

Besides, if its meant to be, you should have been married and he had made you an honest woman by now. Everyone I know didn't let anything come in the way of being married to the person they really loved and wanted to live a life together.

 

[scraptoons]

Oh boy...I feel for you.

I remember those days of having a long-term BF & then boom! They're gone.

I dated a guy for about 1.5 years. We got along nicely, always had a good time together. We weren't engaged, but had spent the last 2 months of our relationship looking at houses on the weekend for when we got married, so I assumed that it was a matter of time. Then his sister got engaged after dating a guy for a short while, and everyone was like "When are you 2 going to get engaged?" to ex-BF & I. I think it scared the crap out of him, so he broke up with me.

Devastating. Like you've been kicked in the gut...

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get through the day without crying. Kept imagining all the things that wouldn't happen...we wouldn't be living in the cute little red house we saw, we wouldn't be travelling across the country in an RV together and so on. We had made plans, and suddenly, they were gone.

What did I do? I worked like a dog. I am a nurse, so my job requires a fair amount of concentration and involvement, and if you are concentrating on not killing people, you can't think of much else. I called on my friends to help me through it. We did things, went places, kept busy. I willed myself not to wallow too much in the break-up...and you can do it. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your reaction to them.

Slowly, I was able to be far enough "away" from the relationship to realize that it wasn't as perfect as I had thought. I began to examine things about the relationship, and realized that I had not been #1 in his life...his friends and the volunteer fire dept. were. I realized that I expended a lot more effort on the relationship than he did. I realized that I walked on eggshells so as to not get him angry at me because then he might do the unthinkable and break up with me.

And then you know what? I realized that while he was probably my first "love" he wouldn't be my best one. He was an important one, because I was able to analyze what was good and bad in the relationship, which allowed me to know what I wanted from a partner. I wanted a partner who put me first. I wanted a partner who contributed equally to the relationship in terms of commitment to making it work. I wanted a partner I could trust to stay by my side when things were bad or hard or we were fighting or one of us was sick. I didn't want to be the one always tiptoeing around to make sure everything was always nicey-nice and he was happy.

I wanted a life partner, somoone as committed to our relationship as I would be.

And you know what? I found him. It took a while. I didn't date for a while after the break up, because I was interested in working on me without any "interference" from anyone else. Then I went on a few dates with a few different types of guys...nice, every one of them, and from each of them I learned things too.

It was probably about 1.5 years after the break-up that I met DH, took things very slowly with him, we dated, we courted, we got to know each other. He told me he loved me. I couldn't quite say it back at that time, and I was honest with him about it. He understood. He was patient and committed and one day I realized that I had probably loved him all along, and my fear was the last vestiges of the hurt from the past relationship.

DH & I are going on 15 years married, 18 years together. Am I glad about the hurt and pain caused by the other break-up? Of course I am, because it got me what I have now, which is my true partner.

So use your grief wisely...it is a gift you have been given, even if you don't feel that way right now.

If it is meant to be with this man, it will be. If it is not, then what is meant to be will be. The Universe always unfolds as it should.

Come here to your DIS friends whenever you need to. PM me whenever you need to.

I had a similar thing happen to me. We were talking marriage. He hinted a proposal was going to happen on New Year's Eve. All these great plans.
But boy am I SOOOOO glad we broke up.
Looking back, I remember some things that would have escalated to abuse.
Now I am married over 10 years to my AWESOME DH. He is a precious jewel

Hope these testimonies help your healing!

 

[dis-me]

Hi. I wanted to come on here and update you all.

We are working through things. But (and I honestly mean this) if it hadn't been for some of the fantastic advice on here I would've gone back a weaker person.

From all this advice I am stronger, happier and used my time away from him wisely to do a lot of mature thinking rather than just crying. I now realise I don't want to be with him because I NEED him, but because I WANT him.

That's a much nicer way to feel