Bin Laden Orders Lieutenants To Remove Al Qaeda Bumper Stickers From Cars

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BIN LADEN ORDERS LIEUTENANTS TO REMOVE AL QAEDA BUMPER STICKERS FROM CARS

CIA Assassination Makes Stickers A No-No, Evildoer Says

One week after an unmanned CIA drone launched a successful missile attack on an al Qaeda car in Yemen, terror chief Osama bin Laden has ordered lieutenants in his worldwide terror network to remove al Qaeda bumper stickers from their automobiles “immediately.”

“I know that in the past I have asked you to show your pride by displaying al Qaeda network bumper stickers on your cars,” bin Laden said in a written communiqué. “But security concerns, regrettably, require a change in that policy.”

Al Qaeda bumper stickers have long been popular items among members of the worldwide terror group, whose bumpers are often festooned with such slogans as “TERRORISTS DO IT IN A CAVE” and “MY CHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT AN AL QAEDA TERROR TRAINING CAMP IN SUDAN.”

And bumper stickers are not the only one way that members of al Qaeda show their pride, as a popular al Qaeda auction site on the Internet currently offers baseball caps, beer-can holders and oversized foam stadium fingers bearing the slogan, “OSAMA’S #1!!!”

Moments after it was released, bin Laden’s communiqué seemed to be having its desired effect, as terrorists in Indonesia were seen removing a bumper sticker from their Saab reading, “I BOUGHT 30 POUNDS OF ENRICHED PLUTONIUM – ASK ME HOW.”

One al Qaeda terrorist in the Philippines, however, was wistful about removing his sticker, calling the new safety precautions “a crying shame.”

“I really hate to see it go,” he said, scraping off a sticker reading, “IF YOU CAN HIT THIS WITH AN UNMANNED DRONE MISSILE, YOU’RE FLYING TOO CLOSE.”

***Borowitz Reports****