Big Family? How do you guys do Christmas?

[hentob]

I know this is a valuable life lesson and tell her so, but really, must she learn it every Christmas?

No. She must be taught the lesson before Christmas, that way she can have better coping skills

 

[johnsontrio]

Your big family get togethers sound relaxed and fun. I, too, am an only child and I often felt I received fewer gifts than my cousins, many of whom had traveled from out of state and were getting belated birthday gifts or were even getting gifts from their parents at our family exchange. Fortunately I had the kind of very wise mother who- when I complained- told me to cry myself a river then build myself a bridge to get over it. Inequities are the stuff of life. This is a good learning experience for your daughter to learn to be happy for those around her and less demanding.

Frankly you sound a little condescending about your in-laws and their holiday customs. I am not sure I understand why. There is nothing inherently better about formal dinners or quiet conversation. Just different.

Don't mean to sound condescending. I realize that I am in the minority here and most of the others enjoy this type of get together. It doesn't seem like a holiday to me. Since we have many, many occasions every year that are executed in the same exact manner (informal, relaxed, potluck) I was thinking of alternatives that might be acceptable to the group since we are getting too large to be accommodated in most of our homes. The summer events are less chaotic, loud, crazy because 1) we don't have the Mt. Everest sized pile of gifts and 2) the weather allows for us to be indoors and outdoors. Since your in the L town you know what I'm talking about.

I know that even if I came up with a fabulous solution/plan, they would never want to try it because as I said, they are very resistant to change. Some of my other SILs (married into the family, not DH's sisters) feel the same way I do regarding the excessive gifts, hurt feelings and not enough room to accommodate everyone. It is all in what you are used to. I am a little sad that my DD will not have the experience even once of a formal Christmas dinner.

 

[johnsontrio]

No. She must be taught the lesson before Christmas, that way she can have better coping skills

What do you mean? Since this has happened repeatedly, it's not new to her. I can prep her ahead of time each year, but it will still be hurtful to her. She does not show any of this emotion while we are there. She vents it all on the ride home.

 

[Evi]

We celebrate on the 24th and get together without about 30+ people. We do not eat in shifts but we don't have conventional sit down dinner either. More buffet style with smaller tables set up along with dinning room table. We do Exchange gifts. We alternate who will host every year and the meal is mostly potluck style with menu planned ahead amongst the women lol. All in all it seems to work we play music and dance and host a small yankee swap that is also assigned on thanksgiving day.

Don't stress it if you dont' want to host everyone but dont stress it if you do. Just know it can be done but ultimately you have to want to host that many people. My advice plan the meal ahead of time and share the responsibility with everyone. If someone can't cook have them bring beverages etc. Load an ipod with holiday music or some dance music and keep the tv off. We actually had old disney clips and charlie brown xmas, frosty running in background without sound. Have boardgames for kids and get a few prizes for the winners. Its alot of fun if you plan your party well. We usually serve one themed cocktail to all adults upon entering house and then keep it limited to wine no hard liquor. Easier on budget and keeps the lush in check (trust me every family has one lol) Also we always serve coffee to everyone before they leave since most people will be driving home.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

Oh girl, I know what you mean about being outside. Thank GOD my kids birthdays are in the summer, we live in one of those older bungalows on the east side of town and no way we'd want the whole fam inside! We have like 12 weeks of nice weather here, every day is precious.

I'm glad you took my post the way I intended, I was afraid I came off kind of snotty, and I didn't mean to.

Ok, so here's what I think: you should have a formal Christmas. Just pick a date, maybe the day before Christmas eve or the day after Christmas or whatever, and have just your DH's parents over. You can make the formal dinner, host the event, have your daughter help cook. It could be fun, and be in addition to your IL's crazy Christmas. I was kind of sad about not having a formal Christmas, so we do one- just DH and the kids and I. We go to church on Christmas eve, all dressed up, then come home and have a more formal meal, with wine and use the china. My kids are 2 and 4, so that's quite the feat for me. Anyway, if that's something you would enjoy, you should do it, without expecting your DH's family to conform.

If your ILs are buying gifts for some kids and not the others randomly (like not a belated birthday or godchild gift), I agree that's crappy. I think my mom had the right attitude though, she minimized it and that helped me to get over it.

 

[johnsontrio]

We celebrate on the 24th and get together without about 30+ people. We do not eat in shifts but we don't have conventional sit down dinner either. More buffet style with smaller tables set up along with dinning room table. We do Exchange gifts. We alternate who will host every year and the meal is mostly potluck style with menu planned ahead amongst the women lol. All in all it seems to work we play music and dance and host a small yankee swap that is also assigned on thanksgiving day.

Don't stress it if you dont' want to host everyone but dont stress it if you do. Just know it can be done but ultimately you have to want to host that many people. My advice plan the meal ahead of time and share the responsibility with everyone. If someone can't cook have them bring beverages etc. Load an ipod with holiday music or some dance music and keep the tv off. We actually had old disney clips and charlie brown xmas, frosty running in background without sound. Have boardgames for kids and get a few prizes for the winners. Its alot of fun if you plan your party well. We usually serve one themed cocktail to all adults upon entering house and then keep it limited to wine no hard liquor. Easier on budget and keeps the lush in check (trust me every family has one lol) Also we always serve coffee to everyone before they leave since most people will be driving home.

Thanks for the suggestions. I was thinking that it might be a good idea to switch to buffet type foods, carved ham, salads, cheese and veggie trays since we have so many late arrivals. I'd much rather have that, even for a holiday meal, than cold food that is supposed to be hot.

This Thanksgiving, I brought The Office Trivia game and the nieces and nephews enjoyed playing that. The family is not typically into playing any games but the younger generation is more fun. The older ones like to sit around with sports blaring on the tv all day. Heaven for me would be a euchre game breaking out!

I also did a Christmas trivia one year for the kids and that was a blast. We don't have any issue with anyone drinking excessively, thank God! They are all nice people, but I still occasionally miss the Christmases I grew up with.

 

[johnsontrio]

Oh girl, I know what you mean about being outside. Thank GOD my kids birthdays are in the summer, we live in one of those older bungalows on the east side of town and no way we'd want the whole fam inside! We have like 12 weeks of nice weather here, every day is precious.

I'm glad you took my post the way I intended, I was afraid I came off kind of snotty, and I didn't mean to.

Ok, so here's what I think: you should have a formal Christmas. Just pick a date, maybe the day before Christmas eve or the day after Christmas or whatever, and have just your DH's parents over. You can make the formal dinner, host the event, have your daughter help cook. It could be fun, and be in addition to your IL's crazy Christmas. I was kind of sad about not having a formal Christmas, so we do one- just DH and the kids and I. We go to church on Christmas eve, all dressed up, then come home and have a more formal meal, with wine and use the china. My kids are 2 and 4, so that's quite the feat for me. Anyway, if that's something you would enjoy, you should do it, without expecting your DH's family to conform.

If your ILs are buying gifts for some kids and not the others randomly (like not a belated birthday or godchild gift), I agree that's crappy. I think my mom had the right attitude though, she minimized it and that helped me to get over it.

That is a great idea! I could plan a formal meal for those that want to attend during the holiday period and kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak. No gifts needed at that event. Maybe some of the other girls would like to join in the planning and preparing. We were just saying that when the next generation needs to pick up the ball, they won't know how to! By the time we were teenagers, we were doing everything but stuffing the turkey, that was always Mom's job and still is. I am able to do it, but she comes here the night before Thanksgiving solely to put the turkey in the oven.

 

[PaddingtonBear]

I have my ILs over for more formal dinners three times a year. I have my four year old "helping" me bake and cook, and she's the official hostess, she greets family at the door, takes their coats and asks what they want to drink. Grandparents love it and its so good for her to learn how to do these little things now. Your DD will have a lot of fun planning, preping and hosting and getting some one on one quiet time with a smaller group.

 

[pickles521]

I totally get what you're saying. I know how disappointing it can be to have holidays that aren't your way. Unfortunately, I don't know a cure for it. This year, I just felt so homesick I wanted to cry, but, I love this part of the family, too, so I put up with their "weird ways" because there's no changing them. What's that saying? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Now - I have to admit that while I DO understand your pain, my situation is backwards. I'm accustomed to the big, loud, raucous Christmas Eve extravaganza! Crying babies, barking dogs, bickering siblings, inequeties from grandma, with just enough love under it all to know i'm home. My husbands family holidays are quiet, subdued and very organized. It's hardly worth the effort to drive across town some years. But... we endure, because it's Christmas, but there's no rule that says we can't miss the way Christmas is "supposed" to be celebrated.

 

[Heidict]

We gave up on tables when our gathering topped 40. Now we just buy a couple huge table cloths and tarp a rooms floor. We then do a picnic style meal.

Hold on, wait, huh? The picture in my mind is cracking me up. Maybe it's a bit different then what I'm picturing , but from what you said it sounds like everyone just sits on a tarp in the living room eating on the floor. I'm sure it's a bit more "nicer" then that though. Just can't get the image out of my head.

OP- My inlaws do Christmas different then my family did also. I just go with the flow though. It's what they have always done, so who am I to change things. Thankfully though when I do functions at my house I get to do them the way I want to. I think the PP who suggested that you have a formal dinner at your house with the in-laws a couple of days after Christmas came up with a great idea.

 

[jen0610]

Thanks for the suggestions. I was thinking that it might be a good idea to switch to buffet type foods, carved ham, salads, cheese and veggie trays since we have so many late arrivals. I'd much rather have that, even for a holiday meal, than cold food that is supposed to be hot.

This Thanksgiving, I brought The Office Trivia game and the nieces and nephews enjoyed playing that. The family is not typically into playing any games but the younger generation is more fun. The older ones like to sit around with sports blaring on the tv all day. Heaven for me would be a euchre game breaking out!

I also did a Christmas trivia one year for the kids and that was a blast. We don't have any issue with anyone drinking excessively, thank God! They are all nice people, but I still occasionally miss the Christmases I grew up with.

I kinda grew up with what you had, for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. We went to my grandparents house. There would be upwards of 19 of us there. nice formal sit down dinner using the good china and silver. We ate early, noon for Thanksgiving and 2 for Christmas.

Once dinner was over though, that was when the extended, extended family free for all started. And it was a blast!! Great A/U's, great-great A/U's, 2nd and 3rd cousins all showed up at my grandparents house at some point and time in the afternoon going on well into the evening. It was no big deal to have upwards of 40-60 people in this small farm house. At Thanksgiving, every one who visited got pie. At Christmas, there was more candy then you knew what to try first. And it's not like these people didn't see each other just the night before at Great Grandma's house. Every Christmas Eve, everybody at some point and time ended up at her house, for a free for all visit. My dad's family went in mass. When Grandpa was still alive, we'd all load into his school bus and go.

So imagine my suprise when DH and I started dating and I spent my 1st Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family. While they do the formal dinner for Thanksgiving, there is no extended family showing up. It was just those that were there for dinner. And for Christmas dinner, which they actually do on the 24th, it was go out to eat right after mass, then home to open gifts. Again, no extended family showing up. And it's not like they don't all live real close and could visit, they just don't. Over the years, as DH's parents aged, the dinners have had to change. Thanksgiving isn't as formal, as neither us or the neice have the room to do a formal dinner. And instead of eating out on Christmas, we jsut do a buffet now. But believe me, it was very strange to me and took some time to get use to it. But you would love to be with us, because it's not Thanksgivign or Christmas, until a good dozen games of 4 or 6 handed euchre are played.

Oh and DH did get to enjoy my style of Thanksgiving and Christmas as well. He was overwelmed with how much went on in such a short amount of time.

 

[luvsJack]

Dh has a large immediate family (7 kids, all married, 23 grandkids, 7 great-grandkids) and a HUGE family with all the aunts, uncles and cousins. So Christmas eve is spent with my in-laws at their home during the day and that night to the HUGE gathering at his grandmother's.

Your family gathering describes both of these x2!

At his grandmother's (where the house is much too small for the number of people in attendance) we just have finger foods. Everyone brings their specialty and we have way too much food--but its something everyone looks forward too. Everyone fixes their plate from the buffet line and then just finds a corner or spot to eat in--many times we go outside just to find a little "elbow room"

Its not about how the food is served, its about spending time with family.


As for the gifts, we have always prepared our kids in advance. One sil will sometimes buy for one niece and not the others (its a long story but the niece is the child of the brother of sil's husband and sil's niece, so she feels an extra bond). And sometimes, for some reason, some of the other parents bring special gifts for their kids to open Christmas eve. So, we have done a couple of things. When the boys were little ( and before we had dd) we would warn them ahead that some of the other kids may get extra gifts and just reminded them that they were going to their dad's and would be getting more gifts later. When dd came along and was too little to really understand why this was happening, we just took an extra gift for her and left it in the car. If we saw that there were more gifts for some of the kids, we took it out and had whoever was handing things out to give it to her. Now that she is older (11) we just remind her it may happen and she's fine with it. She just enjoys seeing all her cousins.

 

[PaulaSue]

My GM and GP had 8 kids. When we had her farm house sold we started renting a church to hold our gathering in. Actually is it MUCH nicer and everyone is in the same room and their is a nursery for the little kids to play/change.

This Holiday it was 54 of us and at least 5 I can think of were not there. This is just my GM, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, DW/DH, GGC. No other extended families.

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

That sounds like the old family Christmas of my childhood. My Grandma was one of 10 children, and all the family would get together in the house my Great Grandparents had left to the eldest Daughter and we would have a buffet line of the best comfort food in the world. It was relaxed, noisy, and fun.
Now, half of them are gone and three are in nursing homes. What I wouldn't do for one more of those crazy reunions.