Behavior Challenge Thread

[C&G'sMama]

To Grace

It is so heartwarming to hear that DD is getting what she needs. It's got to make life less stressful for both of you. It's amazing what a difference support from the outside can have.

Do you have any kind of Autism support group, lobbying group around you. I know you said you're in a small town but is there something in the region? In addition to contacting IDEA if you could get in touch with other families and work together it might help.

Every 3rd Monday UNYFEAT (Upstate New York Families for Effective Autism Treatment) takes over a local "bounce house" place. We'd never gone before, we'll be going back. It's not open to the public during that time and only for children with ASD and their families and community members with Developmental Disabilities and their familites. It was really nice. DP went to a focus group meeting and they had a group of volunteers watching the kids.

DS started Lego Buddies again last week and he is very happy with the boy he was partnered with. It is a very good match and I had a great time sharing with the boy's dad.

To Bookwormde, I'm confident you'll take care of things. The guy I talked to the other night reminded me of you. He talked about issues at school but also talked about how he educated and they ended up changing, like after his 7 year old was found 2 blocks from school and after he found out they would put the kids in a closet with a grown up on the other side and hold the door. Needless to say the child has not been found off school grounds again and the closet practice is no longer happening.

 

[brergnat]

My DS6 has HFA.

He is a perfectionist and can't handle making mistakes. Anything that doesn't go "the right way" or that gets "messed up" in the process of doing results in immediate tears, SCREAMING (blood curdling type), and hitting himself in the face. This is starting to become worse at school. He is remarkably intelligent, so he's not making ACTUAL mistakes. For example, he will react this way if a marker is starting to run dry and the line he draws is not "perfect, uniformly colored". He will act this way when playing with his toys. He is obsessed with Rube Goldberg type domino run/marble run setups. While he is setting up these elaborate things, if he accidentally knocks over a domino, or the marble fails to accomplish knocking something over, he has this reaction.

Can anyone share some strategies that your kids with Autism/Aspergers, etc. use when dealing with perfectionism and frustration?

So far, with no real success, we've done:

1. Counting to 10
2. Slow breathing (works sometimes when he has a guide to help him and model the breathing)
3. Squeezing (hugging) a favorite plush animal (helps a bit, but impractical for school)
4. Using "words" to express feelings.
5. Redirection to another activity (this doesn't work at ALL...has the opposite effect, as he feels he has to "do it right" or "finish it" when he messes up).

Am I missing any techniques? We're about to try social stories about "Staying Calm" and "Making Mistakes" but he has NEVER been into social stories, so don't know how much this will help.

 

[C&G'sMama]

My DS6 has HFA.

He is a perfectionist and can't handle making mistakes. Anything that doesn't go "the right way" or that gets "messed up" in the process of doing results in immediate tears, SCREAMING (blood curdling type), and hitting himself in the face. This is starting to become worse at school. He is remarkably intelligent, so he's not making ACTUAL mistakes. For example, he will react this way if a marker is starting to run dry and the line he draws is not "perfect, uniformly colored". He will act this way when playing with his toys. He is obsessed with Rube Goldberg type domino run/marble run setups. While he is setting up these elaborate things, if he accidentally knocks over a domino, or the marble fails to accomplish knocking something over, he has this reaction.

Can anyone share some strategies that your kids with Autism/Aspergers, etc. use when dealing with perfectionism and frustration?

So far, with no real success, we've done:

1. Counting to 10
2. Slow breathing (works sometimes when he has a guide to help him and model the breathing)
3. Squeezing (hugging) a favorite plush animal (helps a bit, but impractical for school)
4. Using "words" to express feelings.
5. Redirection to another activity (this doesn't work at ALL...has the opposite effect, as he feels he has to "do it right" or "finish it" when he messes up).

Am I missing any techniques? We're about to try social stories about "Staying Calm" and "Making Mistakes" but he has NEVER been into social stories, so don't know how much this will help.

First Welcome and

I'm sure others will have more words of wisdom than I. DS is 7, in the second grad and has Aspergers. DS does these things at home but not too often at school. Though he will throw a fit at school if he doesn't win a game. His meltdowns tend to come when things don't go his way as opposed to perfectionism, which I think is a fine line. His reality is that his maze should work, then his reality changes. His reality is we're having pizza for dinner, then his reality is challenged when we have chicken. I also think he's so used to things coming easily for him, he too excels academically, that when something doesn't, he gets frustrated.

He is Gluten Free which has helped with intensity of his meltdowns.

We try to get him to run down to the basement to ride the bike or get on the treadmill. We haven't needed this at school but I have heard from other parents that some schools have a room where their child can go to if they need to get energy out.

Why is squeezing a plush impractical for school? Or could he get a stress ball to squeeze at school. This is something the school should accomodate.

Keep us posted.

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

My DS6 has HFA.

He is a perfectionist and can't handle making mistakes. Anything that doesn't go "the right way" or that gets "messed up" in the process of doing results in immediate tears, SCREAMING (blood curdling type), and hitting himself in the face. This is starting to become worse at school. He is remarkably intelligent, so he's not making ACTUAL mistakes. For example, he will react this way if a marker is starting to run dry and the line he draws is not "perfect, uniformly colored". He will act this way when playing with his toys. He is obsessed with Rube Goldberg type domino run/marble run setups. While he is setting up these elaborate things, if he accidentally knocks over a domino, or the marble fails to accomplish knocking something over, he has this reaction.

Can anyone share some strategies that your kids with Autism/Aspergers, etc. use when dealing with perfectionism and frustration?

So far, with no real success, we've done:

1. Counting to 10
2. Slow breathing (works sometimes when he has a guide to help him and model the breathing)
3. Squeezing (hugging) a favorite plush animal (helps a bit, but impractical for school)
4. Using "words" to express feelings.
5. Redirection to another activity (this doesn't work at ALL...has the opposite effect, as he feels he has to "do it right" or "finish it" when he messes up).

Am I missing any techniques? We're about to try social stories about "Staying Calm" and "Making Mistakes" but he has NEVER been into social stories, so don't know how much this will help.

Welcome to our thread!

My daughter also has these difficulties-she's 7 now. The first two strategies-well it's nice to teach them these things but expecting them to use them-well that's a whole other matter. My daughter has alexithymia, which is quite common in people with ASD. You can read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexithymia . I mention that because method #4 would be impossible for her. We are working on it and she is getting better but realize he may not have the ability to put what he is feeling into words.

My daughter also hits herself and I have just been very consistent with always saying "We DO NOT hit ourselves!" If you are consistent they will eventually get the message and that behavior has decreased in my dd although she will still do it in meltdown mode.

Now, for the crux of your issue: your son has low frustration tolerance and that is characteristic of his different neurological functioning. Yes, you want to teach him ways to deal with the frustration but the simple fact may be that he will not be able to take things in stride as NT children do. I am positive and I can reassure you that this will get better in time as he matures (obviously at a much slower rate than his peers).

Redirection is key and preventing those situations that are frustrating is also helpful. If he always blows up over the marble game take it away for a few months and then try again. I have found the greatest method of dealing with these frustrations is to try to lessen them as much as possible.

Someone suggested to me once to have "backwards day" or "messy day" or days where you can show him it's ok not to be perfect or as expected. This might work for you. You really should work on it as much as possible because this type of behavior has led to OCD tendencies in my daughter-it can get out of control quite quickly. Before you know it they have to do "rituals" to make something perfect and you want to beware of getting into that.

Lastly, I have to say that what worked tremendously for frustration tolerance for my dd was altering her diet. Food additives CAN be reactive for our kids and I have found food colorings especially reactive for my dd. So perhaps you might want to look into a food additive-free diet trial for him to see if it helps.

 

[lovethattink]

Once again, I am so glad to have stumbled upon a thread! DS6 is HFA. None of the medical staff or counsellors we have encountered has mentioned diet to us. Ds was diagnosed with several neurological problems this summer after a battery of MRI's, neurocognitive testing, CTscan, etc. We started family counselling just a little over a month ago, and we are seeing some results. Though most of the effective counselling had more to do with us changing our behavior in order to change his.

We are learning how he thinks so that we can learn how to help him. It was a bit of a slap in the face to learn that we were disciplining him "all wrong", or even that we were speaking to him wrong. It's hard to imagine a world where everything is either black or white. I have never had to think so hard about what I am going to say. If I don't think before I speak, it can end up with him having an hour or more meltdown.

If eating gluten-free can even make a small difference it would be way worth it!!

We started using social stories 3 weeks ago. We are seeing some results there. Particularly one about being frustrated and not hitting himself. He is now coming to me and saying, "I am mad." But the first time he did this, he said it, but then hit me instead of hitting himself. At our last counselling session, the counsellor showed my dh and myself how to "restrain" him from hurting us or himself, until he calms down. I am really hoping that continually reinforcing the social story will bring him to the point of discussion soon!

 

[brergnat]

Thanks for the advice so far. Our son has gone through many phases of what the "major issue du jour" is. When he was in the preschool years, he had major oral sensory stimming issues. Last year, his physical stims morphed into this state of ultra heightened awareness of "right" and "wrong". Things can NEVER be "wrong". If something happens that is negative in any way, he breaks down. For example, the other night, I asked my (other) son "are your chicken nuggets good?"...he answerd "no" (to be silly), and DS6 burst out crying, saying "He's supposed to say 'yes' "

I'm not really one of the believers in the diet thing. The truth is, DS was autistic out of the womb. The genetics in my family speak for themselves. The facts are, he has a very healthy diet, mostly free of "additives", because that is just how we eat in this house. Most of his diet is unprocessed, whole foods. BUT, his repetoire of foods is very limited, and he knows what he likes. He has been very set in his ways since he was around 2 years old. Changing his diet would lead to problems worse than I even care to think about. And, his diet is very consistent, but his behaviors are not (he will go entire weeks, and sometimes months where he has NO difficult behaviors at all).

I did show him the social stories today. He seemed very interested in it. We did a story on "Staying Calm" and "Making Mistakes" and he seemed to absorb it.

I also purchased this Responsibility chart and House Rules list. I explained to him that he would get a token on the board every time he completed one of his "responsibilities" and I listed the "house rules" and told him that when he breaks one, I will take a token away. If he fills up the token board at the end of the week, we agreed on a treat of Baskin Robbins ice cream. He was VERY focused on doing his "jobs" and the number one rule on the House Rules list is "No Screaming". I reminded him that if he screams, I will take a token away. So far, he seems very motivated by this new system. No breakdowns today!!! Hopefully it will work long enough to get him to learn how to manage his feelings in the meantime.

 

[bookwormde]

Welcome,

Teaching our kids that it is OK to be wrong is a major skill that many of us have to work through. In the short term once they are stressed physical soothing techniques are often the best since talking at them often creates EF interference that actually raises anxiety and that is not the time to reinforce that it is OK to not be perfect every time. In my son I noticed that this issue showed up mostly when I could see the subtle signs that he was struggling with the task before the meltdown, so that was one of the opportunities I used to reinforce that the world is a place to learn and if we could do everything perfect the first time we would learn nothing.

The good news is that once he develops that skill and intellectual understanding it is one of the greatest gifts for our kids and when combined with the ability to hyper focus and non discriminatory EF system, is a primary reason why most of the highly inventive minds in history have been based on Autism genetics.

As with a lot of things dealing with it through logic, long before they are stressed out is often the best path, although this one takes some time to work through and as they mature it gets easier.

bookwormde

 

[kymmyk13]

I am just trying to find out if I am the only one with these feelings. I am at my whits end DD5 is in a really bad cycle and has been since school started. I am just tired and worn out and I feel like I can not do this anymore. I want to give up, I just wonder if I am what is best for her. I am at the point where there are no more patience and I dread being around her. As a mother I should not feel this way. All I do is yell at everyone and I am miserable. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

 

[lovethattink]

Kymmy13, you are not alone. Here is a thread I stumbled upon the other week. It was nice to find out that I am not the only one who has a child who exhausts me. http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2447340

 

[bookwormde]

If things have gotten a lot worse since school started that is a good bet that the school is not meeting his needs (which often equates to the equivelent of unitntentional abuse) so that is the place to start. Wehn our kids have to expend all there energy to keep it together at school, hometime is often exceptionally challenging.

I allways recomend that every member of a family of a child with a disability should have a councilor, so they can be at there best to support there child.

bookwormde

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

I am just trying to find out if I am the only one with these feelings. I am at my whits end DD5 is in a really bad cycle and has been since school started. I am just tired and worn out and I feel like I can not do this anymore. I want to give up, I just wonder if I am what is best for her. I am at the point where there are no more patience and I dread being around her. As a mother I should not feel this way. All I do is yell at everyone and I am miserable. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

kymmyk, you are not alone. Many of us have felt this way. I felt this way a lot when my dd was 5. All I can tell you is things WILL get better. I promise. You need to take care of yourself. Even if that means not being the absolute best parent for your child. You have to do things for yourself! Have a glass of wine or a bubble bath. Go to church or get a hobby. Have a good cry. It is okay to feel this way. You are the best parent for your child. I felt like if I disappeared things would be better for my dd too. But I came through it and now I realize I haven't messed up too bad. Now I do things for myself. I forgive myself and I do the best I can.

One day at a time.

(those words play in my head practically every day-it's my theme song )

Feel free to vent here ANYTIME. We are (virtually) here for you. We understand how you feel. I hope you find the strength and find a happy place again soon!

 

[C&G'sMama]

I am just trying to find out if I am the only one with these feelings. I am at my whits end DD5 is in a really bad cycle and has been since school started. I am just tired and worn out and I feel like I can not do this anymore. I want to give up, I just wonder if I am what is best for her. I am at the point where there are no more patience and I dread being around her. As a mother I should not feel this way. All I do is yell at everyone and I am miserable. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

It's called being human.

It's not easy and sometimes it's very hard. We love our kids but sometimes it makes us tired. I have a friend whose son was very difficult as a child. He had a lot of anger issues and could be very mean especially towards his mom. She has told us there were times she didn't like him and she felt awful. She would have to restrain him etc. He's 20 now and fine young man, but when you're going through it you don't know. She is one of the most amazing moms I know.

I agree with Grace, sounds like you need some respite, don't feel guilty about having some time to yourself or even just you and your husband sounds like what you need. Is there anyone that can give you that? And then take the little moments to take care of you. You can't take care of your family if you neglect yourself.

Take care. Please "come" here to vent any time you need.

 

[alizesmom]

I pop in every so often to see how all of the kids (and parents) are doing. What I need to hear about is extremely low functioning kids. Are there any on here? I so want to feel like we belong somewhere and can find some help. I read all of your advice and research what is suggested but can't find anything appropriate for Ciara. Is she just on the wrong side of the Bell Curve, am I being a snob or what? Karen

 

[C&G'sMama]

I pop in every so often to see how all of the kids (and parents) are doing. What I need to hear about is extremely low functioning kids. Are there any on here? I so want to feel like we belong somewhere and can find some help. I read all of your advice and research what is suggested but can't find anything appropriate for Ciara. Is she just on the wrong side of the Bell Curve, am I being a snob or what? Karen

Hi Alize's mom. (we need a waving smiley) Can't help you with the low functioning stuff but glad you popped in. Sorry you're still having a hard time finding what works for Ciara.
Keep us posted!

-A

 

[bookwormde]

Alizesmom

Even if the mid to higher functioning kids there is only so much that applies across the spectrum. I do not know what you have in your are but my state has an active group of parents for classic kids and they have a blog structure that you should be albe to sign up for.

Here is the link

http://www.delautism.org/

you may have to dig around to find the blog sign up link

I may have already given you this but here is a link to the floortime model which is one of the best adn was developed for classic kids. Some of the links on the site may lead you to other support.

http://www.icdl.com/dirFloortime/overview/index.shtml

bookwormde

 

[C&G'sMama]

Hope everyone has a great time today. We're in Boston visiting family. The kids will go trick or treating with their cousins tonight. Even the moms are getting dressed up.

What's everyone up to today?

 

[GraceLuvsWDW]

Just a normal day here for us. I have finally become wise enough to realize if dd doesn't want to go trick or treating or dress up, there's no need to push her to do it. We will give out candy to those who might ring our bell and possibly stop in to say hello to a few of our neighbors.

Have a great day everyone!

 

[Kat77]

I'm making Charlie Brown Thankgiving themed baskets for the teachers in DS's program. Today I realised it might be possible to make a gluten free snack mix for the kids to take home too. I need input from those of you living gluten free. Right now possible ingredients are: Jelly Bellys, Orville Redenbacher natural popcorn, and Glutino pretzel sticks. I will skip the toast. Any thoughts?

 

[kirstenb1]

Just a normal day here for us. I have finally become wise enough to realize if dd doesn't want to go trick or treating or dress up, there's no need to push her to do it. We will give out candy to those who might ring our bell and possibly stop in to say hello to a few of our neighbors.

Have a great day everyone!

right there with you! We had a cookout Saturday, and invited many friends from Zoe's school. she actually hung out with them for 3 hours, instead of retreating to her bedroom. By Sunday, we could tell she was DONE with people. So I took our older dd trick or treating, dh passed out candy, and Zoe watched her favorite movies. I was a little sad she didn't T or T, but overall, it was a success, so we're moving on!

 

[C&G'sMama]

I'm making Charlie Brown Thankgiving themed baskets for the teachers in DS's program. Today I realised it might be possible to make a gluten free snack mix for the kids to take home too. I need input from those of you living gluten free. Right now possible ingredients are: Jelly Bellys, Orville Redenbacher natural popcorn, and Glutino pretzel sticks. I will skip the toast. Any thoughts?

Awesome idea!!!

Only question, on the jelly bellys do they use artificial dyes and is that an issue for any of the children?