Baby shower etiquette and ?'s

[DisneyDude61]

our friends daughter is having her first baby. My husband is the godfather.
She is planning the shower herself and inviting 50 people. She wants to have it at a resturant and serve alcohol. she is getting prices for about 40-50pp
am I supposed to contibute some money for any of this? I guess Im old school and out of things, but I thought baby showers were supposed to be a surprise, and were usually held at someones house with a few horderves and a cake.
she said no, that they are now both men and women and are held in halls and resturants. (sounds like a small wedding reception to me.)
Can someone fill me in on the current etiquette and stuff that is a baby shower now.
Thanks

 

[My sister's princess]

I thought baby showers were the same as bridal showers, and that you are not supposed to throw one for yourself.... Could you offer to host it for her, maybe split the cost somehow?

 

[brymolmom]

If she's planning it herself - then my best guess is that either she's paying or someone has asked her to plan it and they'll pay for it (likely a parent, close friend or aunt or similar). I do not think you need to contribute - but since it sounds like you are so close - you COULD offer a small part of it - like offer to bring the cake or offer to do the decorations for it.

Not quite sure why she'd be planning at all unless someone has approached her and offered to have it OR I guess she could be thinking of paying for it herself - but I've never heard of that.

Personally, I wouldn't offer to contribute.

 

[cinderellamom123]

I think that it is ill mannered to host your own shower. It is basically asking for presents. I would not contribute $ or be talked into feeling as if you should. I think the contribution of a cake is a great idea. Being the Godparent, I would put a little extra into the gift. Savings bonds along with a little something personal are a great idea.

 

[momof1princess]

it is my understanding that a baby shower is not to be thrown by the mom-to-be, but by a close friend or a relative. i have never heard of it being co-ed either, and i come from a very large, extended family. i don't think i would offer to contribute financially, but perhaps you could offer to lend a hand with the decorating, errands or other details?

 

[DisneyDude61]

I also have never heard of a baby shower being done this way, which is why I asked.She's doing it herself because she wants it done a certain way, and if her friends do it, it wouldn't be for 50 people at a resturant.
I did offer to help her decorate or do invitations, and i will give her a nice gift,but truthfully, I can't justify to myself giving money toward a 2500.00 baby shower that she is planning

 

[Syrreal]

I've been to lots of co-ed baby showers.

I also don't think you are supposed to plan your own baby or bridal shower. I wish I could have planned mine though. It would have been less of a headache for me.

 

[dreamin_disney]

I say no. If she is having it at a resturant then thats on her. A baby shower is usually thrown by a host at a house. I think doing it a a food place and having drinks is to much if they are expecting others to pay for it, unless someone offered.
I say buy a nice gift and save your money because I'm sure they will throw a big party baptism and they will probably ask for help. With the baptism our traditon is the godparents pay for the dress/outfit shoes and sometimes buy a cross necklace. If the godparent are not a couple then they both go 1/2 and 1/2 on it. I think people go way overboard on the parties and dont think about other people financial situations. good Luck

 

[AntePrincess]

The etiquette is simple: you don't host any gift giving occasions for yourself because it comes off as a gift grab. Strictly speaking, not even relatives should host a shower for a new mom or a bride (including in-laws) unless the shower is a family only shower, because it still smacks of grabbing for gifts for your relatives. More importantly, showers are not mandatory, no one is entitled to one. Traditionally they're pretty girlie affairs, so when we start to talk about coed "showers," we're talking about a get together for no other reason than to fork over a social obligation. It sounds like she's going for a trial run of a christening (I'm too cynical to think she'd willingly forego another gift-y occasion for her offspring, so I'd anticipate being hit up for money and/or gifts for that event as well).

I wouldn't contribute money to your friend's shower. Actually, in light of how crass she's being, I wouldn't attend, but I'm a stickler that way.

 

[summerrluvv]

As far as venues, that's the norm around here. It's rare to have a shower in a home. I suspect it's probably the same in NJ. I grew up in MI and it's the norm to have showers at home.

As far as cost, I don't think you are expected to contribute, as she is throwing it for herself (and is probably doing so because she knew it would be expensive).

 

[momof1princess]

holy cow! 2,500 for a baby shower?? wow, i can't even imagine!

 

[EcbLovesMickey]

I have never heard of such an eleborate one being thrown by the mom to be. I have been to some thrown by the friends/relatives that are that elaborate.

I woudl offer to contribute the cake, as mentioned above, or a diaper cake. But if it's that big of a party she probably will want something similar to a wedding cake, not a grocery store one with pink roses, so it could be costly!

 

[mykidsand_i]

TACKY!!!! I've NEVER heard of a person throwing themselves a baby shower! That is asking people to give gifts.

-the HOST is the one who pays for things at all showers. At times when there are multiple hosts, then the price would be broken up...but if she wants to host it, she'd better be the one paying for it..."BUT, it's rude to not offer????" Is that what you/others say???? IT'S even more rude to others to throw the shower for yourself and ASK for gifts!

-I have only been to two baby showers where alcohol was served...WOW. It's one thing to have wine, a few 'light drinks' or what ever available, it's an entirely different story to have a full bar of coctails. Did this pregnant woman just turn 21??? How immature! She's celebrating the birth of a child that she doesn't sound like she's ready for. How trailer trashy- to have a bunch of liq. at a baby shower!

-Offer to do a diaper cake- but do it as the gift! There's lots of diapers in those cakes and it gets spendy!!! I did one for my sis in law last month and it cost me over $85- I did a huge one and decorated it really nicely. LIKE I SAID, AS A GIFT!!!!!! If this lady has that much money to be spending before the baby is born (usually people try to spend less to have money to RAISE the child), she can afford to buy her own dang real cake, all else that the shower costs.

All I can think of when I hear about this is Trailer trash that isn't mature enough to have a kid yet. Maybe I'm wrong- but wow, how Tacky!

 

[ceecee]

Tacky!

 

[MrsPete]

our friends daughter is having her first baby. My husband is the godfather.
She is planning the shower herself and inviting 50 people. She wants to have it at a resturant and serve alcohol. she is getting prices for about 40-50pp
am I supposed to contibute some money for any of this? I guess Im old school and out of things, but I thought baby showers were supposed to be a surprise, and were usually held at someones house with a few horderves and a cake.
she said no, that they are now both men and women and are held in halls and resturants. (sounds like a small wedding reception to me.)
Can someone fill me in on the current etiquette and stuff that is a baby shower now.
Thanks

I don't think the shower is "required" to be a surprise, but throwing one for yourself . . . at a restaurant . . . and with alcohol . . . I don't think I'd be able to attend that day -- very busy, you know -- much less help throw it.

 

[tar heel]

Do you folks from NY and NJ have to cover your plate for this kind of shindig, too?

I personally think this is beyond ridiculous. From a manners standpoint, I'm a little embarrassed for her. I don't think what you do as far as money goes is an ettiquette question, though.

 

[DisneyDude61]

Thanks everyone.
This seems to be turning less about the baby and more about what she can get.
I just found out she is having two showers! Her family lives in north jersey and are going to throw her a shower there because it's too far for the family to come down here to AC...

Im really turned off by this whole thing, and yes I do think it's tacky.
she is 26 and is by no means wealthy. Her boyfriend wants to be part of his baby's shower, so that's why it's Co-ed. He wants his friends there too.
Its looking more like it will be in a sports bar that has a room for "banquets", just wants people to get together and open gifts. Oh, and the guys can watch football in the bar while the gift opening is happening! I offered to make shower favors, and when I asked what the theme was, I was told she really didnt want one! I was also told by the godmother that she and their parents were buying the big ticket things, like the stroller and crib and stuff, and did we want to buy one of them.. I told them we had already gotten the gift, sorry. I will gladly give the baby a BOND, but I will not be told I should buy a crib! My husband said I should just let it go, and let them do whatever they want. I know he's right, but it feels wrong to me.
as a previous poster said, tacky

 

[summerrluvv]

Do you folks from NY and NJ have to cover your plate for this kind of shindig, too?

I personally think this is beyond ridiculous. From a manners standpoint, I'm a little embarrassed for her. I don't think what you do as far as money goes is an ettiquette question, though.

You buy a gift from the registry, it's not a monetary gift like at a weddding to cover your plate (which is ridiculous and don't get me started on that LOL).

I belong to a group that has many pregnant girls in it and with the economy the way it is, friends and family don't always have the money to throw showers, so the mom/dad-to-be pay for it themselves. It's really not that abnormal around here, which is probably why people from other parts of the country are having a hard time with it.

I'll be planning a shower for my sister for February and would just prefer to have it at my home, as I can't afford most of the venues I've looked into. She doesn't want a home shower so she said she will be contributing to the cost of it. Whatever floats her boat.

 

[summerrluvv]

Thanks everyone.
This seems to be turning less about the baby and more about what she can get.
I just found out she is having two showers! Her family lives in north jersey and are going to throw her a shower there because it's too far for the family to come down here to AC...

Im really turned off by this whole thing, and yes I do think it's tacky.
she is 26 and is by no means wealthy. Her boyfriend wants to be part of his baby's shower, so that's why it's Co-ed. He wants his friends there too.
Its looking more like it will be in a sports bar that has a room for "banquets", just wants people to get together and open gifts. Oh, and the guys can watch football in the bar while the gift opening is happening! I offered to make shower favors, and when I asked what the theme was, I was told she really didnt want one! I was also told by the godmother that she and their parents were buying the big ticket things, like the stroller and crib and stuff, and did we want to buy one of them.. I told them we had already gotten the gift, sorry. I will gladly give the baby a BOND, but I will not be told I should buy a crib! My husband said I should just let it go, and let them do whatever they want. I know he's right, but it feels wrong to me.
as a previous poster said, tacky

Well isn't that precisely what a shower is for...to get gifts? I've never been to a shower where it WASN'T about "what they can get". Yeah it's fun to mingle, etc., but that's not the point of a shower. If it was, there would be no registries.

Honestly what you described does not seem abnormal to me. I had a co-ed shower for my sister's bridal shower. The guys hung at the bar when we were playing games, etc. It wasn't a big deal at all.

Two showers isn't abnormal either. If it's two different sets of people who cares if they are all at one event or at two.

 

[MinnieForMe]

Hi:
It is never acceptable to throw a shower for yourself.

It does not have to be a surprise.

Yes, the majority of showers I've been to have been in a hall or restaurant. The rule of thumb in our family is any female who was invited to your wedding is invited to the baby shower (if you are still close) and then add any new friends. I've been to showers with as little as 20 people and showers with closer to 100.

I do not feel you have any financial responsibility for this shower if you are not the person planning it.