At wits end with dd's bedroom!!

[dawson5]

My parents are having the same issue with my sister (18)
Her room hasn't been clean in.....probably 2-3 years. It's horrendous, my mom will help her do a big clean up every 6 months or so, but then 2 days later its horrible again! I don't know how someone can live like that.
With my sister it's not just clean/dirty clothes everywhere (her closet is almost empty except for clothes she hasn't worn in years) but she has dirty dishes, take out food containers, candy, chip bags all that sort of stuff laying on the floor.

I just cannot fathom how someone can live like that! And she spends all her time in her room too!

She recently got her learners permit for driving and my dad refuses to take her driving until her room is clean...it's been about 3 months since she got it and she hasn't seen out once!!

Sometimes there's just nothing you CAN do, my parents have been trying for years and nothing works so now they just close her door and ignore it.

This is exactly like my baby brother. It was so bad, my mother called me the other day for internet help and she had to go into his room to get at the router & modem. She didn't want to touch anything. I know the plates & food containers drive her batty (more batty ). I don't understand how she did what she did to us (my sister and I) but let him get away with it. She also didn't let my two older brothers get away with it either.

I guess it all comes down to battles. I fight for a clean/neat home but I don't push for the short hair cuts and I don't push the oldest to shave. I tell them when they move out they can have their home how they like it but this is my home and I like the doors open with the sunlight streaming in.

 

[edandcolleen1995]

:
There are so many other things to fight with teens that I actually consider important. In the big scheme of things, a messy room is very low on my priorities. I'm okay with compromising.

Talking parenting is always a slippery slope because what one set of parents find fine another might not. For my wife and I the room being a mess is one of those things we do fight against. Since we made it an issue from day one when they were little, I don't think we battle with them too much about it. It is sort of ingrained (spelling?) at this point.

But that is us. Like I said if others don't care, that is totally up to them. We don't stress over some topics/things that our friends with kids do.

 

[barkley]

i have 2 kids neither of whom are great about keeping their rooms clean but we have a couple of house rules that at least prevent them from becoming a health hazard. the first is that no food or drink is permitted in any bedroom. the second is if there's papers or items scattered on the floor i have the right to dispose of them without notice (we had neighbors who had a house fire and when the fire department came out one of the rescuers entered a bedroom with papers and magazines on the floor that had become soaked by the firehoses, he power slid and injured himself which delayed the rescue of the person in the room-so for us it's a definate safety consideration).

seems to work to an extent (dd has had 'important' papers tossed out by me more than once so she's learned to keep the piles at least off the floor).

as for laundry-dd does'nt have a dresser. when she did the clothes never made it in so i put laundry baskets in her closet that hold her underwear, socks and pj's. she can toss the clean ones in there as easily as on the floor. there are no hampers in any of the bedroom-only 2 in the house, in the laundryroom. one for towels/linens, one for clothes. stuff does'nt go in, stuff does'nt get cleaned.


op-you could try the EXTREEME measure one of my highschool classmate's mom did to her.

room was always a mess, constant battles. one day (a school day) the girl comes home to find mom has dismantled the whole room. drawers dumped and removed from bureaus, all items off bookshelves, all clothes off hangers-all of this was dumped in layers on top of her bed frame (dismantled), bed, mattress and box springs. in order to find anything she had to go through it layer by layer-apparantly it took her the better part of 3 days to finaly get to her mattress her parents held fast and would'nt let her sleep in the guestroom or on the couch.

took 2 times in the course of one school year for her mom to do that to re-inforce that mom was serious.

 

[HeatherC]

My dd (almost 13) has a pretty disastrous room too. Which is very hard for me since I'm kind of a neat freak.

But...I decided long ago that was one thing I was not going to rant and rave over. I just remind myself that in a few years that room will probably be sitting empty and neat and then I'll be wishing for her mess.

Seriously...try not to stress too much over it. Keeping a good line of communication with her is much more important.

I ask mine to straighten hers up once a week and vacumn and dust either Sat/Sun mornings. Sometimes she gets into it and other times she doesn't. But I'm very proud of myself for staying calm over it ...even if it is killing me!

 

[goofy4tink]

Exact same issue at my house with my 15 y/o dd. In fact, I had been asking her to try on her shoes for marching band. She would need to order new ones if the ones from last year didn't fit anymore. She assured me that they did indeed fit. Okay..figured it was a done deal. So...I was out last Friday night, the night before the first football game. Text message from my lovely dd was this...'Did you move my Drillmasters??' Huh??? I haven't seen them since Memorial day! Told her, via text, that 'I would imagine they are on the floor of your ever so clean bedroom'
When I got home, at midnight, she woke up and told me there was a problem..she could find only the one shoe. Next morning, I tore her closet apart (she has a nice, big walkin closet) and found the second shoe shoved in with her sweatshirts on a shelf!!
Would seem that she had never tried them on either!!!

I no longer do her laundry. She was taught how to do her own laundry over the summer. Now..if she has nothing to wear, it's her fault. If she can't find something, again, her fault. I will not continue a battle over a messy room

We did take her door off one time. She got angry and slammed that door in my face. I calmly went to the toolbox, got out the hammer and flat head screwdriver and returned to her room. I then took that door right off it's ever loving hinges. Man, that was one surprised kid. She had no door for a week. That was over 3 yrs ago...that door has never been slammed again!!!

Pick your battles. My teen is really well behaved, does well in school, has a good attitude and is involved in extracurricular stuff. If that all continues, I won't make an issue of not being able to see her bedroom floor!

 

[melk]

Wow, I realize now how many of us are in the same boat!!

I'm not 'overstressing' about it, I just want it somewhat presentable. I like the idea of the laundry baskets in the closet, because she never opens (or closes!) a dresser drawer.

I am thinking of just removing her hamper, b/c she tosses clean stuff in there as well. She'll just have to bring what is dirty to the laundry area each day.

Thanks for the advice!

 

[Pumbaa_]

from 13 on i think my dad only yelled at me about my room. I remember very little other interaction with him.

Please, just shut the door. Draw the line at food, have them do their own laundry, and let them be. So much goes on in teen land, let fighting about stuff on the floor not be the only parental memory that sticks

 

[shortbun]

Pick your battles. It's not that they are dating Sid Vicious or using drugs and alcohol or stealing or having unprotected sex or ... pick your battles. DS is 14. Four times a year we go through his clothes, get rid of horribly stained, too small, ruined or otherwise useless and put everything away. A few times a year he cleans up himself. A few times a year, I insist that he cleans. This means his room gets cleaned up about every 6 weeks. Seems reasonable to me. The door is currently closed.

 

[SC Minnie]

Draw the line at food,

We don't allow food to be taken outside the kitchen/eating area. No food at all upstairs where the bedrooms are. It has been this way since she was a toddler so we really draw the line at no food or dirty dishes in DD's room or the bonus room. Last thing I need is bugs and ants.

 

[mjkacmom]

Close the door. Seriously, it's her room, and if it doesn't bother her to live like that, and you don't have to see it, it's a win/win. Lucky for me, dd13's room is on the third floor, so I never have to see it - if I need something from up there, I send DH, because I can't stand messy! I remember being like that as a teen - I wised up in college, when I had a roommate messier than I was - I became a neat freak!

 

[mjkacmom]

If you can't get them to clean a room (this assumes you care about that. . that is key) then it is up to you as parent to make them motivated to do it.
.

I really can't think of a teen motivated to clean a room! Please let me know how you get your teens to do it!

 

[merryweather20]

I really hate hearing about a parent taking off their kids door.

God forbid, your child be able to do their homework in peace and then get dressed for school the next morning

What will this accomplish other than making your house look like its in disrepair?

 

[disney1990]

Been there, done that. My DD is now 30 years old. You couldn't walk in her bedroom when she was a teen. I yelled, I took things away, I grounded her, etc, etc, But, still it continued.

Flash Forward to today. Her house is so clean that you can eat off the floor. She is a minimumlist (sp). There is nothing sitting around in her house. She won't take the newspaper -- to much mess. She buys CDs and then throws away everything but the disc and files it away in a notebook. Nothing sits on the coffee tables or the end tables. There are a few pictures of her children, but they are framed and hung on the wall.

I don't know changed to make her like this, but she is.

By the way, I have another daughter that is 24 and has basically done the same thing.

Both of my daughters are now against "things" as they call them. Don't buy them anything, if they don't NEED it.

What does all of this do to solve your problem? Nothing. But, just something to think about about.

 

[amsyw]

DS's room is the same way! DH HATES it! I don't let it bother me. I tell DH not to look! I do get upset over food items, empty glass, plates etc. But the clothes I just don't fight with him about.

We do however make him clean it if we/he are having company. It works great if he wants a friend to come over. The condition is always that the friend can come over just as soon as the room is clean. It always works! Of course his room is upstairs (and that is the only room up) so we don't HAVE to see it! But when he was downstairs we just shut his door.

There are so many things in life that are more important than a clean room/house. Do you want to look back on your life and remember that your DS (or DD's) had a clean room or that they had a great childhood? Or that your house was spotless or that you had a great family who had fun together.

My mom looks back and realizes she put way to much emphysis on the clean house, and didn't take enough time playing or spending time with us. To this day she regrets it!

We have just come to the realization that you have to pick your battles. A clean room is just way down the list for me. Good grades, good behavior, healthy, happy kids etc they are way more important!

 

[rie'smom]

I'm with the moms who just gave up the fight. There are so many issues that can come up with teenagers that I decided a messy room isn't worth the stress. I hire someone a few times a month to come in and clean her room. She knows that she is not allowed to complain if she can't find something though because if she had picked it up, she'd know where it is.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I agree about picking your battles. However, I would at least change one thing...Stop doing her laundry. Teach her how to run the washer and dryer and let her clean/dirty laundry piles be her problem and shut the door.

If you absolutely can't live with it then you can try what I did. My two are younger, so we did/do this with their toys, but it should work with clothes too. First, we give them plenty of warning that they need to clean their rooms or I will. If they don't (and really my standards are pretty low), then I bring out the garbage bags when they aren't at home. I bag absolutely everything that isn't neatly in it's place. This has ended up being just about all their toys at times. I then put all the bags in my closet. They then have to pay me a quarter per toy if they want them back (for a teenager I would make this at least $1 per item). This can take them a while. They may have to wait several weeks to earn enough allowance to get all their toys back. If, during that time, I see any toys left on the floor (even if they just paid me to get them back) the items go back in the bag.

I've only had to do this 3 times. It's helped me in that I no longer yell. I just let them know what will happen and I do it. The vast majority of the time I only need to tell them to "clean or I will" and they get right to it. I also don't insist on pristine rooms. However, when I can't even reach their beds without injuring myself I put my foot down.

 

[pixiewings71]

Oh boy, some of these posts remind me so much of DD21. Then we had a fire, started in her room, electrical fire. she had so much crap stuffed under her bed that her room was completely 100% destroyed....the firefighters said it was one of the hottest fires they'd ever been in for a house fire, that if they'd taken another 5-10 min the house would have been completely destroyed and we were very lucky that we all got out OK. When we moved back home after our rebuild (took about 9 months to be finished, the frame was saved but the interior had to be gutted and rebuilt completely) we made a new rule that rooms needed to be kept clean for safety reasons. So, that's the rule, and we all keep our rooms relatively clean. I do go into the girls' rooms with them once or twice a year and we deep clean, get rid of old clothes that don't fit, toys they don't play with, books they don't read but otherwise it's up to them to keep them clean. As for laundry DD21 started doing her (at her request) when she was 12, DD13 does hers by herself as well, DD9's I wash and dry but she folds them and puts them away. I don't have time to do everything so laundry is a chore that gets passed on at the age of 12 or so. I have a feeling DD9 will be doing hers sooner tho, she's already helping me with all the laundry. Oh, and we have a room rule, no food or drink except a bottle of water with a lid. Too many spills, too many messes, too many ants! LOL

Good luck OP, I would make sure she knows the hazards of a dirty room, and then I think I'd start with the removal of clothing.....I really like that idea. "oops, this is on the floor, I'll put it in my room until you need it back" LOL I think when she runs out of clothes she'll change her tune quick enough. Kudos to the parent who thoughts of that one! lol

 

[barkley]

when we bought our current home it was listed as a 3br/office. all that means is we have 4 bedrooms but one room does'nt have a closet in it.

i purposely gave ds the room without the closet. reason being was his closets had the tradition of being "the land of the lost". god awful messes that you could'nt find anything in and were a danger to a mom trying to find something (i cannot count the number of times a lego pc. jammed the tracks on the closet door).

ds's clothes are stored in the "office" closet. clothes hung up in there, laundry baskets with clean pj's, underware and socks. he gets what he needs out of there and never goes near it otherwise.

best decision i ever made

 

[disneycruising]

I swear my DD was 'okay' at keeping her room clean until she turned 13... Then something happened. Clothes on the floor, nothing put away, clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes in her drawers, trash can over flowing in her bathroom, stuff covering her desk. My DD and I went around and around about the dirty clothes on the floor. It drives me crazy! I am not in any way a neat freak...not even close. But I felt that it was disrespectful... to her father and I who work so hard for what we have, to see her brand name clothes on the floor.

I must have warned her for 3 months that something was going to happen if she didn't stop leaving them on the floor. One day while she was a school I went in with some trash bags and took ALL of her clothes. I left 2 complete outfits & 1 pair of pj's & took every thing else away. She had to buy back every item @ $5 an item. It took her a long time to buy everything back! It has been almost a years and she has not left any more clothes on her floor.


Here is some thing we do that have worked for us:

* I only ask that their bedrooms and bathrooms be "picked up" on a daily basis. (Not company perfect at all times)

* I don't have hampers in the kids rooms. They are in a cabinet outside the laundry room.(There is one basket for lights, one for darks, etc.) No reason for any dirty clothes to be in there rooms.

* No friends over if your room is messy.

* Room has to be 'company' cleaned if anyone comes to visit.

* Each child has one bedroom chore and one bathroom chore for every day of the week and I check that they are done. This helps to make sure that something is getting done! (toilet on day, showers another, etc.)

* No "privileges", until ALL chores and homework is done!!

* Each child has their own "clean clothes basket" in the laundry room...really nice wicker ones...that they have to empty every night & put the clothes away.

* Once they are in high school they are in charge doing the laundry one day a week. For my DD (15) her day is sunday: she has to wash the jean load, pj's, and her own sheets. We tried to have my DD be incharge of her own laundry...but then be found she wasn't doing it!

* Nobody is allowed to leave the house in dirty clothes!

* Every summer we make everyone 'MOVE'. They have to empty out their rooms. They can only bring back in the things they truly like, want and need.

* No food, anywhere but the kitchen.

 

[Darsa]

My 13yo dd has become an absolute slob (shocking, I know ). But honestly, I just walked in and NEXT to the hamper is a huge pile of clothes, some of them still folded!!! I do the laundry and fold it all, but each kid has to get their pile and put it away. She has some kind of aversion to her dresser, b/c the clothes never make it in there!!!

Do we have the same child??? My DD13 does the EXACT SAME THING. It makes me . And sometimes I'll find things like her dance costumes from the previous years, dance skirts that she hasn't worn since she was 9 but can't bear to part with, stuffed animals, homework, you name it! in her hamper.

She's slowly getting better, now that she's got a boyfriend who's a neat-freak.