ARTICLE: The Overprotected Kid

[theSurlyMermaid]

I thought this was a great article and I've sent it on to a few of my friends.

My childhood was a lot like the ones described. In my old neighborhood we roamed around, built forts out of the copious snow and just hung out. No adult supervision except for the occasional mom glancing out a window. Then when we moved to Virginia and I got a bit older we were out on our bikes riding miles and miles from our house through bike trails in the woods all the time. My mom never knew where we were! We had so many adventures and did so many things we thought were so daring.

You definitely, definitely don't see that kind of stuff anymore. I happen to live in an awesome neighborhood in a cul-de-sac so the kids do roam a bit more here than usual. My seven year old has definitely gone off with his friends while playing and I didn't know where he was until he came home grinning to tell me of his adventures. I am a little less comfortable with my four year old although yesterday I did let her go to the neighbor's house by herself. I watched out the window to make sure she went where she was supposed to go though.

 

[Hannathy]

I guess some parents just worry. Nothing wrong with that. I live in an upper middle class neighborhood. An 11 year old boy was taped in the bathroom by a stranger while his dad was standing outside. Another 9 year old boy was raped and brutally killed in a bathroom in the extremely expensive beach city (2nd most expensive in CA, 1st is Malibu) while his mother waited outside with her other kids playing for a bit in the sand. After a few minutes that seems just a bit too long she went in and found him.

Things happen. I don't value independence over safety. Parents who bash more cautious parents just don't worry or naively think oh that won't happen to my kid. Or maybe they don't care. I have no idea. To them their kid being able to go to the bathroom alone is more important I guess. I don't know and it's not something I understand

OH PLEASE!!! here we go again citing 1 terrible tragedy that happened 16 years ago! thats right 16 yrs ago. The man who did it has already been executed and we know how "fast" that happens. That is how rare it is that they have to go back 16 yrs to find something that fits their argument. How many thousands have been killed on bikes since then? or hit by cars walking? or killed playing a sport? Eating?

If you want to use your argument, just what are you going to allow your child do? because everyday living has more danger than going into a restroom.

 

[luv2sleep]

OH PLEASE!!! here we go again citing 1 terrible tragedy that happened 16 years ago! thats right 16 yrs ago. The man who did it has already been executed and we know how "fast" that happens. That is how rare it is that they have to go back 16 yrs to find something that fits their argument. How many thousands have been killed on bikes since then? or hit by cars walking? or killed playing a sport? Eating? If you want to use your argument, just what are you going to allow your child do? because everyday living has more danger than going into a restroom.

It's your choice to feel your way and mine to feel mine. Every parent makes their own parenting choices. Live and let live. I never get the up in arms uproar about wanting to be a more cautious parent. Who cares really? Carry on. I'll continue to do what I think is best for mine and you yours. I'm done here. Too closed minded to appreciate someone else's perspective. I hate these my way or it's the highway threads.

 

[Hannathy]

It's your choice to feel your way and mine to feel mine. Every parent makes their own parenting choices. Live and let live. I never get the up in arms uproar about wanting to be a more cautious parent. Who cares really? Carry on. I'll continue to do what I think is best for mine and you yours. I'm done here. Too closed minded to appreciate someone else's perspective. I hate these my way or it's the highway threads.

Excuse me you are the one who brought up a 16 yr old example like it happened yesterday and happens daily in this country!

You are welcome to parent your way but don't try to bring up something that is extremely rare and try to tell people yours is the right way because this sort of thing happens ALL the time and we are endangering our children irresponsibly. If you are bringing facts and figures stay with them or don't bring them up.

 

[QueenElsaTheFirst]

I think it's like the horrible tragedy in Newtown. I had so many people in my newsfeed reacting viscerally, talking about how dangerous the world is now and scared they were to send their kids to school. Many talked about wanting to homeschool and/or only wanted to send their kids to school if there were armed guards.

And I just thought, while completely understandable that we react emotionally to horrible events such as these, it's not logical.

Do you know if there were a school shooting EVERY SCHOOL DAY in America in which 10 kids were killed, your child would still be more likely to die in a car accident? And yet there are amazingly cavalier attitudes towards car seats and car safety. Why? Probably because we feel in control when we drive our cars, and for some reason we are an entire generation of people who is exceedingly scared about things which we can not control, we seem to default to the opinion that that which we can not see or control is potentially bad, scary, or dangerous. That the world, if not for our own constant vigilance, is not a safe place.

I guess with my own kids I think there are things a lot more risky to them than playing out of my sight at a playground. I think the real risk is that they never learn how to rely upon themselves, trust their judgement, and learn that the world is basically a safe place.

 

[spacemountainmom]

I was a kid in the 70's and a teen in the 80's. My mom was a well-known overprotective worrier and I had much more freedom than kids in later generations. I think some of this is so funny. Our school district mandated that all kindergartners would ride the bus to school. My block had four kids entering kindergarten the year I did. Our parents told the district to stuff it and the four of us walked to school together every day. The other three kindergartners had older siblings and we picked up two more kindergarten students on the next block before we got to school. We were fine. I walked to and from school unless there was bad weather for 7 years.

One block over we had "that parent". It was okay for her two older boys to walk to school everyday, but Mrs. X walked her daughter to and from elementary school for 7 years. The poor daughter was the laughingstock of the neighborhood for years.

It saddens dh and I that our kids had less "freedom" than we did. It was born out of necessity. Our street is much more heavily traveled than the streets we grew up on. The high school is on the same street and it is a city bus route. We mostly kept them contained in back since we didn't want them near the street until they were old enough to understand how dangerous it could be. I didn't let them go to the park around the corner alone until they were about 10 since they had to cross the busy street twice to get there.

I don't really agree with either extreme, but must say I'm closer to free range than helicopter.

I have to wonder about the parent who was so bent out of shape over where her 15 year old was and those that think the other parents are responsible for their kid at that age. Most kids can get their license at 16. They go all over when they can drive. Very rarely do they stay in one place very long. They don't magically learn about life and responsibility at 16 when they get their license. You might want to let them test their wings a bit earlier than that.

YMMV

 

[ronandannette]

I think it's like the horrible tragedy in Newtown. I had so many people in my newsfeed reacting viscerally, talking about how dangerous the world is now and scared they were to send their kids to school. Many talked about wanting to homeschool and/or only wanted to send their kids to school if there were armed guards.

And I just thought, while completely understandable that we react emotionally to horrible events such as these, it's not logical.

Do you know if there were a school shooting EVERY SCHOOL DAY in America in which 10 kids were killed, your child would still be more likely to die in a car accident? And yet there are amazingly cavalier attitudes towards car seats and car safety. Why? Probably because we feel in control when we drive our cars, and for some reason we are an entire generation of people who is exceedingly scared about things which we can not control, we seem to default to the opinion that that which we can not see or control is potentially bad, scary, or dangerous. That the world, if not for our own constant vigilance, is not a safe place.

I guess with my own kids I think there are things a lot more risky to them than playing out of my sight at a playground. I think the real risk is that they never learn how to rely upon themselves, trust their judgement, and learn that the world is basically a safe place.

I was helicopter parented in the 70's, before it was "cool", or should I say before it was seen as a good thing rather than a bad one. Everyone in our town knew my DMom and the restraints she put on me. I was excluded from alot of rural life's simple pleasures like playing in the barn or wandering through the bush picking wild berries. Was there an element of risk she protected me from? Sure, but there were actually very few accidents or injuries amongst my peers, absolutely no serious ones during my entire childhood. The one incident of a drowning occurred in the generation previous to mine and like the PP who sited the bathroom incident, it haunted my mother. FWIW, my Ddad was NOT on the same page with her and it often caused friction between them.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

There is a happy medium somewhere. There is a reason why we are seeing an increased number of adults who can't function in the real world when their parents are too old handle their lives for them or are passed away.

 

[already]

LOL. I did NOT say that. Haha. Funny.

It's just like the bashing about being a SAHM vs a working mom, breast vs bottle feeding, attachment parenting vs not, co-sleeping vs crib sleeping, CIO vs not. None of these parenting ways is harming a child. Neither is being an over protective or "free range" type parent. The parenting style bashing is just ridiculous IMO.

Wow! it seems you are the only one bashing parenting styles. It is clear you do not condone a less restrictive environment. Article must have hit a nerve

But...according to many, many studies the extreme overparenting IS harmful to the development of our children. Psychology Today says we are raising a generation of Wimps, unable to think for themselves or problem solve.

I think there is a happy medium between taking your 8 year old boy into the ladies bathroom and dropping your 8 year old off at the gates of Magic Kingdom and saying you will pick them up later. Both extreme over protection and extreme free ranging is harmful.

My uncle used to bring his 8 year old on business trips to Cali and drop him off at Magic Kingdom while he went to work. He was an extreme free ranging parent. His kid did not turn out well either.

 

[already]

I was an elementary school kid in the 70s, the time slot when the writer says kids were unsupervised and allowed to roam free, yet the article does not match my memories. We did not walk home from school; we rode the bus, where we were supervised by the driver. My mother might not have been out in the yard with us, but she always knew where we were. We absolutely would not have been allowed to light fires without supervision. We were allowed to use tools like hatchets and saws but only with supervision. We did go to the park across the street from the school almost every day, but the teachers sat on a bench and supervised in a distant, general way. We were not allowed to go back behind the tennis courts because we would have been out of her view. We were not allowed to play in the creek for an obvious reason: we had to go back to school for a couple more hours and it would have been uncomfortable to sit in wet shoes. Overall, I think we had an appropriate level of supervision.

My own kids are more closely supervised, but not to the point that the article suggests. They definitely had more than 10 minutes of unsupervised time in 10 years. They were allowed to play independently in the back yard, where they had a playhouse, a tree swing, a sandbox and a trampoline. Their elementary school playground was less nature-filled (fewer trees, more flat) than mine . . . But they had more climbing toys, and the equipment definitely held the kids' attention. The girls liked to hang out in the adjacent baseball dugout, making it "their home", etc. They had a kid-legend about a kid who died on the playground and a story about how a big rock was his secret gravestone. It's in public that I supervise them more closely -- when we are out in stores, etc. I think they too have had an appropriate amount of supervision.

As for this Land place that's praised in the article, I don't think my girls would have visited more than once. It definitely looks like a junkyard. And the fire would've been a no-way item for us.

I am also a kid of the late 60's / early 70's. My friends and I would meet in the morning on our banana seat bicycles and head out for the day. Our rules were that we had to be home for dinner. We usually stopped at somebody's house for lunch. I have no idea if that parent called the other parents to tell them we were there, but we certainly never checked in. All the kids in our school had practically the same rules. In 5th grade, we moved halfway across the country and new area, same rules. We all took off for the day, giving our parents general who we would be with and where we were going, but never a detailed itinerary.

We had forts in the woods, went walking for ice cream, and just explored.

So, I can definitely see somebody thinking that was the norm for 70's kids as it was for me in 2 different areas of the country.

 

[Sanchez]

It's your choice to feel your way and mine to feel mine. Every parent makes their own parenting choices. Live and let live. I never get the up in arms uproar about wanting to be a more cautious parent. Who cares really? Carry on. I'll continue to do what I think is best for mine and you yours. I'm done here. Too closed minded to appreciate someone else's perspective. I hate these my way or it's the highway threads.

You say live and let live, but your posts lead me to believe that you live in constant fear.

 

[taylor1293]

I think my parenting has always been somewhere in between. It would depend on my girl’s age and the specific situations. We live in a very nice neighborhood, have lived here for 9 years. My youngest is in middle school and, of course, walked herself to and from the bus stop. I’m sharing this story because I think it’s so important to remember that we never truly know who some of our neighbors are.

Last month a man who lives in our neighborhood (but many streets over and has no legitimate reason to be on our street) pulled up aside of my daughter smiled, waved and made a heart sign to her. This was very creepy and scary for her. Thankfully, she texted me immediately to let me know. She knew right away who this man was because her bus does a turn around on his street and she recognized his white cargo van (yes, that is seriously one of the vehicles he drives). I contacted the school ASAP, spoke to the officer at the school and contacted the police.

Later that day, we drove by his house so she could point it out. Through some additional investigation I discovered this man had been arrested several years ago for sexual assault of a child under 10. He’s not a registered sex offender, however, because it was never prosecuted. Through additional investigation, it was discovered he made an inappropriate statement to a young girl just a few months prior at our nearby park. (the police were called for this but he was not arrested).

My husband passed out flyers to his neighbors regarding his arrest history, most of which were unaware of his history. However, a couple did know and they are fearful of him. One even saying he has exposed himself through the front window on more than one occasion (yes, the police were called). Anyway, here is the kicker, there is NOTHING the police can do until he actual does something to a child. They have increased patrols at the bus stops, they have spoken to him directly, but until he physically tries to grab a child or convince a child to go with him, they can’t do a thing. Oh, and to top it all off, this perv lives with a law enforcement officer. According to the couple of neighbors who do know his history, she defends him saying people are, “out to get him”. She must be either the dumbest law enforcement officer around or she is into little girls too. Either way, she is just as sick as he is.

So, when it comes to parenting, I’ll do what is best for my child, and I think everyone else should do the same. No need to criticize other parenting styles as we all have different life experiences and different reasons for how we raise and protect our children .

 

[theSurlyMermaid]

I started to realize that I needed to change up my parenting style when we moved here to this (really great) neighborhood and the kids would come over and all be bouncing on our trampoline. When a squabble would ensue, my son would come running to me to intervene….even if he wasn't remotely involved in the squabble. Everything was "Mooooom! they're fighting again!" It got so ridiculous. Thankfully he doesn't do that anymore. He tells me if a situation is really bothering him but asks for advice not intervention (unless it's really egregious which rarely happens). And it was tough at first to let him play with the kids and end up in other kids' yards, etc. It felt very strange. But it's really been beneficial.

 

[Hannathy]

I started to realize that I needed to change up my parenting style when we moved here to this (really great) neighborhood and the kids would come over and all be bouncing on our trampoline. When a squabble would ensue, my son would come running to me to intervene….even if he wasn't remotely involved in the squabble. Everything was "Mooooom! they're fighting again!" It got so ridiculous. Thankfully he doesn't do that anymore. He tells me if a situation is really bothering him but asks for advice not intervention (unless it's really egregious which rarely happens). And it was tough at first to let him play with the kids and end up in other kids' yards, etc. It felt very strange. But it's really been beneficial.

I think the greatest answer to that is what my DD's friends Mom used as her rule at her house, yard and that was unless it starts with a B don't bother her, or come inside, and she defined that as Barfing, Bleeding or Bathroom !!

(she was a long time second grade teacher)

 

[Wendy31]

I think the greatest answer to that is what my DD's friends Mom used as her rule at her house, yard and that was unless it starts with a B don't bother her, or come inside, and she defined that as Barfing, Bleeding or Bathroom !!

(she was a long time second grade teacher)

I'm thinking I'd want the barfing to stay outside too!

 

[gemini2727]

I grew up in the 70's in Queens, was allowed to run free on our block when I was smaller, and then bike the neighborhood when I was older. I aslo walked to and from school, which was a mile or two away. I guess the freedom was good for me. On the other hand, one afternoon a man tried to get me into his car and followed me for a few blocks as I ran away. Stranger abductions may be rare, but my own experience has made me more fearful for my kids out on their own. Something I'll have to get over, but it's not easy.

 

[Planogirl]

I was very middle of the road when it came to DS. I didn't let him run amuck but I didn't restrict much either. I can't see how kids who are super over-protected learn how to deal with situations.

 

[lauradis]

I think the greatest answer to that is what my DD's friends Mom used as her rule at her house, yard and that was unless it starts with a B don't bother her, or come inside, and she defined that as Barfing, Bleeding or Bathroom !! (she was a long time second grade teacher)

And if they are boys sometimes the bathroom is out side too.

 

[lauradis]

My job as a mother is to teach you how to handle everything in life, not smother you.

My hubby trains younger men to be fireman 18-25 age group he says lots of them are very wimpy and don't make decisions.

I'm worried about what the over smothering mother is doing to her sons.

What's good age for them to run free?
When do they achieve independent thinking?
Why in the world would you want to be with your kid 24/7?
Wonder if the divorce rate is higher for over protective mothers?

 

[Bluestars]

I grew up in the 70's in Queens, was allowed to run free on our block when I was smaller, and then bike the neighborhood when I was older. I aslo walked to and from school, which was a mile or two away. I guess the freedom was good for me. On the other hand, one afternoon a man tried to get me into his car and followed me for a few blocks as I ran away. Stranger abductions may be rare, but my own experience has made me more fearful for my kids out on their own. Something I'll have to get over, but it's not easy.

I grew up in the 70s too. I was allowed to roam around since the time I was 6. My parents just told us to come home by dark. When I was around 7 and walking home from school with my brother, an adult male tried to lure us into his house. My brother told me to run and we both took off. For some reason we never told our parents.

I think our personal experiences definitely affect our views on parenting. I knew how easy it would have been for that man to grab me if I had been walking alone. It's a very scary thought and I think a lot of parents just bank on the odds that nobody will ever approach their child and if they do, the child can outrun them or something. There's nothing wrong with that. Their kids, their rules. But I don't think it's bad parenting to be cautious and not let your young children run around unattended. I also knew a friend whose 8 year old son was riding his bike and got hit by a car and died. These things do happen.