ARTICLE: The Overprotected Kid

[Hannathy]

It sounds like you were responsible for her daughter, correct? She has the right to be upset (and I am not saying with you but in general) if her expectation was that there would be more supervision of her child while she was in your care. She was upset. She was worried. She's that child's parent. So she doesn't have the same level of comfort as you did in that situation. That's her prerogative as a parent. So what? Are you worried about how you look now to her? You shouldn't. You are the kind of parent you are and she is the kind of parent she is. If she allows her child to come over again she might just give her more explicit instructions beforehand about how she wants her to conduct herself while there. Check in with mom maybe before making a decision. Who knows. It's a learning a experience for them it seems. Does not mean you should change your parenting style or her hers though.

Sorry but when a 16 yr old is with my "child" they are responsible for themselves and dealing with their own parents!!! I don't babysit 16 yr olds. 16 yr olds are not in my care! They should know what they can and can't do and if they do it or not is between them and their parent. If the parent doesn't like it she has a problem with her child not me. I never in my life asked my kids friends if they had permission to go somewhere from my house. You just don't do that with 16 yr olds. In fact they usually only say hey we are leaving now, going for food, get a movie, etc. I certainly didn't ask each one if they had permission. I have to say this again you don't babysit 16 yr olds, they are not in your care like it is a play date for 5 yr olds.

 

[luv2sleep]

Sorry but when a 16 yr old is with my "child" they are responsible for themselves and dealing with their own parents!!! I don't babysit 16 yr olds. 16 yr olds are not in my care! They should know what they can and can't do and if they do it or not is between them and their parent. If the parent doesn't like it she has a problem with her child not me. I never in my life asked my kids friends if they had permission to go somewhere from my house. You just don't do that with 16 yr olds. In fact they usually only say hey we are leaving now, going for food, get a movie, etc. I certainly didn't ask each one if they had permission. I have to say this again you don't babysit 16 yr olds, they are not in your care like it is a play date for 5 yr olds.

Well I basically said that above. That mom seeemed upset at the situation. Grounded her daughter. Didn't come down on the mom for what happened. I am sure she will teach her daughter how to handle it next time. Of note, if there was another 16 year-old here and something happened to them I'd feel responsible. Just how I am though. It's not babysitting. I call it being a responsible caring adult. Not one thing wrong with that.

 

[QueenElsaTheFirst]

I definitely fall on the more free-range end of parenting.

I had an incident at the beach when my youngest was 1 1/2. There was a large tide pool in the sand that was about an inch deep left over from when the tide was high, and it was a good 75 feet away from the ocean. I let my daughter and two sons (who were 4 and 6) go run and play and splash in the tide pool while I sat on a beach towel and watched them from about 50 feet away. I had two different mothers come up to the youngest one, obviously extremely distressed that there was no adult within a three foot radius of her. One even took her by the hand and led her out of the tide pool, looking for an adult to whom she belonged. At the time I felt ashamed and embarrassed as I walked up and said, "Yep, she's mine," feeling all the judging eyes on me. But as I thought about it later I just got angry. There was nothing that could have happened to her in a warm tide pool only an inch deep, with a soft sandy bottom, and me with her in my line of vision the entire time. Not to mention she had both her older brothers there, and had there been an emergency I could have been at her side in less than 10 seconds.

I truly feel there is value in even kids as young as she was at the time, venturing out and exploring. She was able to look back and see me, but also strike out into the world a bit. She had a blast that day, splashing and digging and playing in a way she wouldn't have if I had been there handholding the whole time.

I have found all of my kids are extremely self confident, without being cocky (I hope ) and I think a large part of the reason is that they have been allowed to truly test and assess their limits. They are the kids who happily talk in front of the class, who are very outgoing and friendly with kids and adults alike, and are always referred to by teachers as hardworking and natural leaders. Although let me tell you, having a house full of "natural leaders" can be a bit of a pain in the butt when they all want to lead at the same time!

Now all that said, I don't judge parents who keep a tighter rein on their kids. Most of my friends are much more comfortable being close to their kids at all times, and their kids are thriving too. Ultimately parenting style isn't as important as kids feeling loved.

I'm not saying my way is right for everyone, just that I'd rather not have to be policed by other parents who seem to think I'm just flat out negligent when I allow my kids more space and freedom than they would ever be comfortable with for their kids. (And for the record, when I am taking care of friends' kids I follow their guidelines for watching them, not my own.)

 

[FigmentFinder]

Isn't there a middle ground between helicopter parenting and letting them play in a junkyard? Sorry, those pictures don't look like a child's play area, they look like a junkyard.

 

[QueenElsaTheFirst]

Isn't there a middle ground between helicopter parenting and letting them play in a junkyard? Sorry, those pictures don't look like a child's play area, they look like a junkyard.

I admit even I was a little put off by the fire year old playing with fire

 

[becpee]

I admit even I was a little put off by the fire year old playing with fire

I'm getting a mental pic of them setting the mattresses on fire...

but thats ok right?

 

[Kimberlyann11]

I'm not saying my way is right for everyone, just that I'd rather not have to be policed by other parents who seem to think I'm just flat out negligent when I allow my kids more space and freedom than they would ever be comfortable with for their kids. (And for the record, when I am taking care of friends' kids I follow their guidelines for watching them, not my own.)

That exactly is my problem. I am not a criminal for letting my middle school child, who is taller and bigger than I am, walk home from school. Or play outside with friends as a fifth grader for 45 minutes learning the natural consequences of forgetting her house key.

And at her current age, fifteen, I'll be darned if I hand-hold her friends. If any of the parents have a problem with the kids walking to Speedway for snacks or going to the lake to fish or going to visit their friend who lives on the other side of the lake - they are welcome to not let them come over. There is one girl who isn't allowed to associate because the kids went to the movies without a mommy present. I am kind of glad because that kid is turning out to be trouble.

 

[burnurcomputer]

Isn't there a middle ground between helicopter parenting and letting them play in a junkyard? Sorry, those pictures don't look like a child's play area, they look like a junkyard.

Yes, yes there is. And thank you for thinking it looked like a junk yard, that is exactly what I was thinking!

 

[Kimberlyann11]

Yes, yes there is. And thank you for thinking it looked like a junk yard, that is exactly what I was thinking!

It does look gross. I can't imagine my prissy girl having any interest in playing there. I'm on the free-range side of things but I would hesitate to let her play there just because of the preponderance of rowdy boys. It seems like it could turn all "Lord of the Flies" without too much provocation.

 

[Mkrop]

Worry more about the under protected kids.

People on the Dis try to one up each other. "My kid is less helicopter parented than yours".

Completely and utterly ridiculous.

I definitely fall on the more free-range end of parenting.

I had an incident at the beach when my youngest was 1 1/2. There was a large tide pool in the sand that was about an inch deep left over from when the tide was high, and it was a good 75 feet away from the ocean. I let my daughter and two sons (who were 4 and 6) go run and play and splash in the tide pool while I sat on a beach towel and watched them from about 50 feet away. I had two different mothers come up to the youngest one, obviously extremely distressed that there was no adult within a three foot radius of her. One even took her by the hand and led her out of the tide pool, looking for an adult to whom she belonged. At the time I felt ashamed and embarrassed as I walked up and said, "Yep, she's mine," feeling all the judging eyes on me. But as I thought about it later I just got angry. There was nothing that could have happened to her in a warm tide pool only an inch deep, with a soft sandy bottom, and me with her in my line of vision the entire time. Not to mention she had both her older brothers there, and had there been an emergency I could have been at her side in less than 10 seconds.

I truly feel there is value in even kids as young as she was at the time, venturing out and exploring. She was able to look back and see me, but also strike out into the world a bit. She had a blast that day, splashing and digging and playing in a way she wouldn't have if I had been there handholding the whole time.

I have found all of my kids are extremely self confident, without being cocky (I hope ) and I think a large part of the reason is that they have been allowed to truly test and assess their limits. They are the kids who happily talk in front of the class, who are very outgoing and friendly with kids and adults alike, and are always referred to by teachers as hardworking and natural leaders. Although let me tell you, having a house full of "natural leaders" can be a bit of a pain in the butt when they all want to lead at the same time!

Now all that said, I don't judge parents who keep a tighter rein on their kids. Most of my friends are much more comfortable being close to their kids at all times, and their kids are thriving too. Ultimately parenting style isn't as important as kids feeling loved.

I'm not saying my way is right for everyone, just that I'd rather not have to be policed by other parents who seem to think I'm just flat out negligent when I allow my kids more space and freedom than they would ever be comfortable with for their kids. (And for the record, when I am taking care of friends' kids I follow their guidelines for watching them, not my own.)

But you truly dont know if this is a direct cause and effect, my mom was helicoptery at times and myself and my brothers are fine.

I know I am helipcoptery at times and DS16, who I admit I was more and still am at times, scared to allow him to do things, since he is my first in naviagating things, is all the things you described about your free range kids, loved by teachers, a great student, has a great group of friends, getting chosen for leadership stuff at school etc. And my DS10 who has had more freedom bc I wasnt as nervous, is a complete introvert and very shy.

 

[HappyTogether]

It does look gross. I can't imagine my prissy girl having any interest in playing there. I'm on the free-range side of things but I would hesitate to let her play there just because of the preponderance of rowdy boys. It seems like it could turn all "Lord of the Flies" without too much provocation.

With the playworkers there to wether for impending accidents but not meddle too much, I don't see that happening. The fire they built was more for warmth than anything else.

 

[aprilgail2]

It sounds like you were responsible for her daughter, correct? She has the right to be upset (and I am not saying with you but in general) if her expectation was that there would be more supervision of her child while she was in your care. She was upset. She was worried. She's that child's parent. So she doesn't have the same level of comfort as you did in that situation. That's her prerogative as a parent. So what? Are you worried about how you look now to her? You shouldn't. You are the kind of parent you are and she is the kind of parent she is. If she allows her child to come over again she might just give her more explicit instructions beforehand about how she wants her to conduct herself while there. Check in with mom maybe before making a decision. Who knows. It's a learning a experience for them it seems. Does not mean you should change your parenting style or her hers though.

ROFLAMO-responsible for a 15 or 16 year ild that is hanging out with your kid? Sorry but my daughter is 14 and when she is at a friends house and they choose to go someplace or do something the other parent is not responsible- they are teenagers for petes sake! My 14 year old and her friend just went into the city on their own for the first time-i dropped them at train station, they took the train and then walked to a place in Hells Kitchen they wanted to go and took the subway. Next month three of them are bringing their bikes and taking a two hour train ride to Montauk and riding bikes out to the point.

I am always amazed reading about parents taking kids who are 10 years old into restrooms with them- i mean you have to loosen the umbilical cord at some point- i loosened it gradually from the time she was little and now she is a confident responsible young person.

 

[Kimberlyann11]

But you truly dont know if this is a direct cause and effect, my mom was helicoptery at times and myself and my brothers are fine.

I know I am helipcoptery at times and DS16, who I admit I was more and still am at times, scared to allow him to do things, since he is my first in naviagating things, is all the things you described about your free range kids, loved by teachers, a great student, has a great group of friends, getting chosen for leadership stuff at school etc. And my DS10 who has had more freedom bc I wasnt as nervous, is a complete introvert and very shy.

I think some of this is inborn. I am easy-going with DD and she's shy and doesn't like doing things like talking in front of class or meeting new people. I think she's just an introvert.

 

[MrsPete]

I was an elementary school kid in the 70s, the time slot when the writer says kids were unsupervised and allowed to roam free, yet the article does not match my memories. We did not walk home from school; we rode the bus, where we were supervised by the driver. My mother might not have been out in the yard with us, but she always knew where we were. We absolutely would not have been allowed to light fires without supervision. We were allowed to use tools like hatchets and saws but only with supervision. We did go to the park across the street from the school almost every day, but the teachers sat on a bench and supervised in a distant, general way. We were not allowed to go back behind the tennis courts because we would have been out of her view. We were not allowed to play in the creek for an obvious reason: we had to go back to school for a couple more hours and it would have been uncomfortable to sit in wet shoes. Overall, I think we had an appropriate level of supervision.

My own kids are more closely supervised, but not to the point that the article suggests. They definitely had more than 10 minutes of unsupervised time in 10 years. They were allowed to play independently in the back yard, where they had a playhouse, a tree swing, a sandbox and a trampoline. Their elementary school playground was less nature-filled (fewer trees, more flat) than mine . . . But they had more climbing toys, and the equipment definitely held the kids' attention. The girls liked to hang out in the adjacent baseball dugout, making it "their home", etc. They had a kid-legend about a kid who died on the playground and a story about how a big rock was his secret gravestone. It's in public that I supervise them more closely -- when we are out in stores, etc. I think they too have had an appropriate amount of supervision.

As for this Land place that's praised in the article, I don't think my girls would have visited more than once. It definitely looks like a junkyard. And the fire would've been a no-way item for us.

 

[kidshop]

With the playworkers there to wether for impending accidents but not meddle too much, I don't see that happening. The fire they built was more for warmth than anything else.

Yes! it's a supervised junkyard. So the kids are not on their own, they are under supervision.

It is different than just letting them run free to do whatever they want.

 

[Kimberlyann11]

I was an elementary school kid in the 70s, the time slot when the writer says kids were unsupervised and allowed to roam free, yet the article does not match my memories. We did not walk home from school; we rode the bus, where we were supervised by the driver. My mother might not have been out in the yard with us, but she always knew where we were. We absolutely would not have been allowed to light fires without supervision. We were allowed to use tools like hatchets and saws but only with supervision. We did go to the park across the street from the school almost every day, but the teachers sat on a bench and supervised in a distant, general way. We were not allowed to go back behind the tennis courts because we would have been out of her view. We were not allowed to play in the creek for an obvious reason: we had to go back to school for a couple more hours and it would have been uncomfortable to sit in wet shoes. Overall, I think we had an appropriate level of supervision.

My own kids are more closely supervised, but not to the point that the article suggests. They definitely had more than 10 minutes of unsupervised time in 10 years. They were allowed to play independently in the back yard, where they had a playhouse, a tree swing, a sandbox and a trampoline. Their elementary school playground was less nature-filled (fewer trees, more flat) than mine . . . But they had more climbing toys, and the equipment definitely held the kids' attention. The girls liked to hang out in the adjacent baseball dugout, making it "their home", etc. They had a kid-legend about a kid who died on the playground and a story about how a big rock was his secret gravestone. It's in public that I supervise them more closely -- when we are out in stores, etc. I think they too have had an appropriate amount of supervision.

As for this Land place that's praised in the article, I don't think my girls would have visited more than once. It definitely looks like a junkyard. And the fire would've been a no-way item for us.

Our experiences were very different. I was an elementary school student in the sixties and seventies. In kindergarten I walked to school with an older neighborhood kid. In third grade I took the bus but the bus stop was down the street and out of sight of home. We didn't have parents standing outside at the bus stop like today. Starting in fifth grade I walked to school around the corner and about five blocks down - again out of sight of home. In middle school sometimes we walked, sometimes we took the bus depending on the weather. The bus stop was at my fifth grade elementary school so again, five blocks away and around the corner. Starting about in the fourth grade, I could ride my bike around the neighborhood but had to head home when the street lights came on. Starting in middle school my friends and I would go to the river to fish or take the canoe to the lake totally unsupervised. In my circle, we had more freedom than most kids today. We did travel in packs which I think is safer than wandering around alone.

 

[family3indisney]

Thanks OP for sharing this article, I really enjoyed it.

 

[luv2sleep]

ROFLAMO-responsible for a 15 or 16 year ild that is hanging out with your kid? Sorry but my daughter is 14 and when she is at a friends house and they choose to go someplace or do something the other parent is not responsible- they are teenagers for petes sake! My 14 year old and her friend just went into the city on their own for the first time-i dropped them at train station, they took the train and then walked to a place in Hells Kitchen they wanted to go and took the subway. Next month three of them are bringing their bikes and taking a two hour train ride to Montauk and riding bikes out to the point. I am always amazed reading about parents taking kids who are 10 years old into restrooms with them- i mean you have to loosen the umbilical cord at some point- i loosened it gradually from the time she was little and now she is a confident responsible young person.

I guess some parents just worry. Nothing wrong with that. I live in an upper middle class neighborhood. An 11 year old boy was taped in the bathroom by a stranger while his dad was standing outside. Another 9 year old boy was raped and brutally killed in a bathroom in the extremely expensive beach city (2nd most expensive in CA, 1st is Malibu) while his mother waited outside with her other kids playing for a bit in the sand. After a few minutes that seems just a bit too long she went in and found him.

Things happen. I don't value independence over safety. Parents who bash more cautious parents just don't worry or naively think oh that won't happen to my kid. Or maybe they don't care. I have no idea. To them their kid being able to go to the bathroom alone is more important I guess. I don't know and it's not something I understand

 

[mjkacmom]

It sounds like you were responsible for her daughter, correct? She has the right to be upset (and I am not saying with you but in general) if her expectation was that there would be more supervision of her child while she was in your care. She was upset. She was worried. She's that child's parent. So she doesn't have the same level of comfort as you did in that situation. That's her prerogative as a parent. So what? Are you worried about how you look now to her? You shouldn't. You are the kind of parent you are and she is the kind of parent she is. If she allows her child to come over again she might just give her more explicit instructions beforehand about how she wants her to conduct herself while there. Check in with mom maybe before making a decision. Who knows. It's a learning a experience for them it seems. Does not mean you should change your parenting style or her hers though.

A 15/16 year old doesn't need a parent responsible for her! Unless they are on vacation or something, I take absolutely no responsibility for an older teen. They don't have "playdates" at that age. I am responsible for my 15/17 year olds, even if they are at someone's house.

 

[mjkacmom]

Things happen. I don't value independence over safety. Parents who bash more cautious parents just don't worry or naively think oh that won't happen to my kid. Or maybe they don't care. I have no idea. To them their kid being able to go to the bathroom alone is more important I guess. I don't know and it's not something I understand

Independence will carry on into adulthood. They have a very short amount of time to learn to be on their own for the next 70 years. It's something that has to be taught, not something that magically appears at age 18. They need to learn to trust their instincts, to assess situations, to appear confident. A college student is way more likely to be raped than a 10 year old.