ARTICLE: The Overprotected Kid

[teacup princess]

It sounds like you were responsible for her daughter, correct? She has the right to be upset (and I am not saying with you but in general) if her expectation was that there would be more supervision of her child while she was in your care. She was upset. She was worried. She's that child's parent. So she doesn't have the same level of comfort as you did in that situation. That's her prerogative as a parent. So what? Are you worried about how you look now to her? You shouldn't. You are the kind of parent you are and she is the kind of parent she is. If she allows her child to come over again she might just give her more explicit instructions beforehand about how she wants her to conduct herself while there. Check in with mom maybe before making a decision. Who knows. It's a learning a experience for them it seems. Does not mean you should change your parenting style or her hers though.

Different expectations by different parents I guess. I'm nobody's babysitter by default. If a kid shows up on my door, then they are free to come and go as they please. If I invited them over..., then different story.

I'm just starting to give my 12 year old a little more freedom and it's sometimes difficult to know what's appropriate. I know when I was her age I had way more freedom. At some point you have to hope that you've raised them to handle themselves appropriately while knowing that there are situations out there that are beyond anyone's control and it's difficult not to let the fear of those rare situations control your lives.

 

[Bonnie151]

I think it's funny how perception can be so different depending on where you live. DS(11) goes to a private school in Edinburgh and we live about 15 miles away in a medium sized town. DS frequently has to get a public bus across the city to meet his father at work, often stopping at a Starbucks on the way to the bus stop. This is perfectly normal for hordes of Edinburgh kids from a young age but when I mention it to anyone where we live, they are invariably horrified that DS is allowed to travel around the city by himself.

<I may or may not get a bit snippy and say it won't do him any favours being the naive kid from the sticks when at school...>

 

[WeCantWait]

ROFLAMO-responsible for a 15 or 16 year ild that is hanging out with your kid? Sorry but my daughter is 14 and when she is at a friends house and they choose to go someplace or do something the other parent is not responsible- they are teenagers for petes sake! My 14 year old and her friend just went into the city on their own for the first time-i dropped them at train station, they took the train and then walked to a place in Hells Kitchen they wanted to go and took the subway. Next month three of them are bringing their bikes and taking a two hour train ride to Montauk and riding bikes out to the point.

I am always amazed reading about parents taking kids who are 10 years old into restrooms with them- i mean you have to loosen the umbilical cord at some point- i loosened it gradually from the time she was little and now she is a confident responsible young person.

My son is 15. This past December we had tickets to see A Christmas Story at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, right above Penn Station. My husband was in an accident in November and unable to make the treck into the city. I did not want to leave him home for long periods of time because he was still having a difficult time getting up out of the recliner that he was basically sitting in all day long, at the time. My son loves the theater, is in the Drama and Musical club at school and has many friends who love theater. I told him I would give him the 4 tickets and he could go with 3 friends. He asked about 20 people and not one of them ages 15-17 were allowed to go into the city without an adult with them. They were all basically horified that I would allow this?? I couldn't believe it. I would have driven them to the train station, they would have been on the train for 20 minutes, went right into Penn Station and walked upstairs.

I wound up taking my two sons and my 15 year olds friend. His friends mother called me to make sure I was really going.

Anyway, I am glad to know that I am not the only parent that would allow their teenager to venture into the city without an adult. My son plans to go to school in the city in a few years, I think him taking little trips in, with a few friends first, would be beneficial.

 

[QueenElsaTheFirst]

I think it's funny how perception can be so different depending on where you live. DS(11) goes to a private school in Edinburgh and we live about 15 miles away in a medium sized town. DS frequently has to get a public bus across the city to meet his father at work, often stopping at a Starbucks on the way to the bus stop. This is perfectly normal for hordes of Edinburgh kids from a young age but when I mention it to anyone where we live, they are invariably horrified that DS is allowed to travel around the city by himself.

<I may or may not get a bit snippy and say it won't do him any favours being the naive kid from the sticks when at school...>

We have family in Europe and it's amazing how much more responsibility kids are given from young ages there.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I liked the article, and actually just recently finished one of the books that was mentioned in it as well (Unequal Childhoods, by Annette Lareau).

I'm fairly free-range by today's standards, but I do sometimes find myself wondering if DS can do something, then remembering I was allowed to do the same thing even younger.

 

[Mkrop]

We have family in Europe and it's amazing how much more responsibility kids are given from young ages there.

And the freedom to do other things that I dont want my 16 yr old doing, we have 16 year old exchange students from Spain here at his school and they all smoke and drink. There was great concerns over the smoking thing. They are very respectful of the host's house, but the school allows them to smoke in a designated area at the school for the short time they are here.

So yeah Europe isnt this ideal place either....

 

[Colleen27]

Sorry but when a 16 yr old is with my "child" they are responsible for themselves and dealing with their own parents!!! I don't babysit 16 yr olds. 16 yr olds are not in my care! They should know what they can and can't do and if they do it or not is between them and their parent. If the parent doesn't like it she has a problem with her child not me. I never in my life asked my kids friends if they had permission to go somewhere from my house. You just don't do that with 16 yr olds. In fact they usually only say hey we are leaving now, going for food, get a movie, etc. I certainly didn't ask each one if they had permission. I have to say this again you don't babysit 16 yr olds, they are not in your care like it is a play date for 5 yr olds.

Exactly. I'm sorry, but when my 16yo comes over with a friend I'm not babysitting them. And when they leave I'm not making sure each of them checked in with their parents to let them know the next destination on their minds. They're high schoolers, not little kids. DS and his friend walked over to the girl's house to pick her up, walked over to another girl's house and found out she was grounded, came back here to play video games for a while, and then went back out to see if anyone was at one of the teen hangout spots in town. To me, that's a very tame Saturday afternoon - all within a half-mile of our home in a tiny little town with no real crime, not even crossing anything bigger than a side street along the way.

It does bother me, not because of what other parents think but because when your child is the only one allowed any measure of freedom it is very hard to encourage independence with an eye towards safety. My approach has always been a general "buddy system" - I don't like the kids going places entirely alone, more because of the possibility of accidents than any worries about crime, but it is getting almost impossible to do that because his friends have such tight restrictions. For example, we have a small 3-screen movie theatre a mile and a half from our house (with sidewalks all the way and only one street to cross, at a light) but DS couldn't find anyone to bike up there to see a movie with him last summer... Either they weren't allowed to go that far or they weren't allowed to see the PG13 movie he was interested in or both.

 

[Bonnie151]

We have family in Europe and it's amazing how much more responsibility kids are given from young ages there.

It's changing in the UK though which is driving me batty. There's an online forum called mumsnet who pretend they are the voice of mothers across the UK. Whenever there's a similar thread, the city mums talk about the independence their chidlren have and everyone else starts to froth in horror! Where I live, people (including DH's family) can't believe what I let DS do.

Even with DD(8), she is allowed to go down to one of her friend's houses on her own. If she runs, it takes exactly one minute but it's down a hill and in the next housing estate so not in sight. Her friend is not allowed to come back up to the house with her - they have to have a parent with him. Not my child, so I know it's what they are comfortable with. However, in just over 2 years, DD will also be expected to be able to take public transportation on her own in the city so she needs to be getting freedom and confidence now!

 

[mjkacmom]

My son is 15. This past December we had tickets to see A Christmas Story at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, right above Penn Station. My husband was in an accident in November and unable to make the treck into the city. I did not want to leave him home for long periods of time because he was still having a difficult time getting up out of the recliner that he was basically sitting in all day long, at the time. My son loves the theater, is in the Drama and Musical club at school and has many friends who love theater. I told him I would give him the 4 tickets and he could go with 3 friends. He asked about 20 people and not one of them ages 15-17 were allowed to go into the city without an adult with them. They were all basically horified that I would allow this?? I couldn't believe it. I would have driven them to the train station, they would have been on the train for 20 minutes, went right into Penn Station and walked upstairs.

I wound up taking my two sons and my 15 year olds friend. His friends mother called me to make sure I was really going.

Anyway, I am glad to know that I am not the only parent that would allow their teenager to venture into the city without an adult. My son plans to go to school in the city in a few years, I think him taking little trips in, with a few friends first, would be beneficial.

Ds15 and his friends take a local bus to NYC - it's a few blocks from our house.

 

[aprilgail2]

My son is 15. This past December we had tickets to see A Christmas Story at the Theater at Madison Square Garden, right above Penn Station. My husband was in an accident in November and unable to make the treck into the city. I did not want to leave him home for long periods of time because he was still having a difficult time getting up out of the recliner that he was basically sitting in all day long, at the time. My son loves the theater, is in the Drama and Musical club at school and has many friends who love theater. I told him I would give him the 4 tickets and he could go with 3 friends. He asked about 20 people and not one of them ages 15-17 were allowed to go into the city without an adult with them. They were all basically horified that I would allow this?? I couldn't believe it. I would have driven them to the train station, they would have been on the train for 20 minutes, went right into Penn Station and walked upstairs. I wound up taking my two sons and my 15 year olds friend. His friends mother called me to make sure I was really going. Anyway, I am glad to know that I am not the only parent that would allow their teenager to venture into the city without an adult. My son plans to go to school in the city in a few years, I think him taking little trips in, with a few friends first, would be beneficial.

Wow that is sick- 15-17 year olds not allowed to go to the city?? My daughter will be in college at 17 and if all goes her way she will be living (dorming) in the city-yet some people wont let their 17 year old go to see a show with three other teens?? Very sad!!

 

[Hannathy]

Wow that is sick- 15-17 year olds not allowed to go to the city?? My daughter will be in college at 17 and if all goes her way she will be living (dorming) in the city-yet some people wont let their 17 year old go to see a show with three other teens?? Very sad!!

My DD was astounded when she got to school how ill prepared and naive some of the other kids were! She couldn't believe the simple things that had to be posted in the dorm about personal safety or how kids didn't know to be observant of their surroundings as they walked. She couldn't believe The poor choices being made by so many girls on campus.

If children aren't allowed to make choices and develop these skills when the stakes are low and there is a safety net in place how are they going to know how to make them when the stakes are actually high ?

 

[rigs32]

The thing that leaves me scratching my head is if an older teen cannot do these things on their own, what do parents think will happen when they go off to college or get their own place?

 

[mom2rose&john]

Does it really all matter? I've found that eventually every parent winds up making a mistake. No matter how much you've done It right in the past that one mistake will haunt you.

Just do what you think is right. No matter what someone else will tell you you are doing it wrong.

Worry more about the under protected kids.

People on the Dis try to one up each other. "My kid is less helicopter parented than yours".

Completely and utterly ridiculous.

to these two statements.

I try to go with my gut and natural insticts when it comes to giving my children freedom and independance. It's not always easy because in my heart I will always want to be there and protect them. But they need to have freedom and independence to grow and become responsible human beings. I know I cannot always be there and know exactly what they are doing so I hope to teach them the basics to keep them safe.

I try to not judge others and hope that others will not judge me. But, when it comes down to it, I could care less if another parent doesn't like how I parent. As long as my children are healthy, safe, responsible and well mannered is all that matters.

 

[QueenElsaTheFirst]

And the freedom to do other things that I dont want my 16 yr old doing, we have 16 year old exchange students from Spain here at his school and they all smoke and drink. There was great concerns over the smoking thing. They are very respectful of the host's house, but the school allows them to smoke in a designated area at the school for the short time they are here.

So yeah Europe isnt this ideal place either....

Well I don't think smoking is good, obviously, but I think European attitudes toward alcohol are more responsible than American ones. I'd rather my 16 year old be allowed to drink a glass of wine or beer with a meal, as is what's legal in most European countries, than have it been some forbidden fruit that they can't touch until they are nearly graduating from college. Because we all know making the drinking age 21 means no college kids drink So either they drink secretly in high school, without parent supervision, they drink with older kids in college, without parent supervision, or they wait until they have been old enough to vote and serve in wars for 3 years. Makes no sense to me, but ymmv of course. I'd much rather they be exposed to alcohol in small increments so they learn responsible attitudes towards drinking, around family members, rather than to hide it.

I don't idealize Europe, but I do think, in general they better prepare their children for adulthood. Not trashing the US, just observing that I wish we trusted our kids a bit more in America.

 

[wiigirl]

We have family in Europe and it's amazing how much more responsibility kids are given from young ages there.

I notice that too....

 

[Mkrop]

Well I don't think smoking is good, obviously, but I think European attitudes toward alcohol are more responsible than American ones. I'd rather my 16 year old be allowed to drink a glass of wine or beer with a meal, as is what's legal in most European countries, than have it been some forbidden fruit that they can't touch until they are nearly graduating from college. Because we all know making the drinking age 21 means no college kids drink So either they drink secretly in high school, without parent supervision, they drink with older kids in college, without parent supervision, or they wait until they have been old enough to vote and serve in wars for 3 years. Makes no sense to me, but ymmv of course. I'd much rather they be exposed to alcohol in small increments so they learn responsible attitudes towards drinking, around family members, rather than to hide it.

I don't idealize Europe, but I do think, in general they better prepare their children for adulthood. Not trashing the US, just observing that I wish we trusted our kids a bit more in America.

I dont disagree with you about the attitude about alcohol.

Like I said just wanted to point out that Europe isnt this ideal place either.

 

[Arielle22]

My DD was astounded when she got to school how ill prepared and naive some of the other kids were! She couldn't believe the simple things that had to be posted in the dorm about personal safety or how kids didn't know to be observant of their surroundings as they walked. She couldn't believe The poor choices being made by so many girls on campus.

If children aren't allowed to make choices and develop these skills when the stakes are low and there is a safety net in place how are they going to know how to make them when the stakes are actually high ?

My DDs are a freshman and sophomore in college. Older DD thanked me for preparing her for the outside world. Not just freedom to go places but requiring her to do her own paperwork when she entered high school, follow up on phone calls to her doctor and dentist and showing her how to budget money. She is appalled at how unprepared some of her fellow classmates are.

I an a child of the 70's. I had 7 siblings and we were all allowed to roam the neighborhood knowing we had to be home when the streetlights came on.

When I was 6, we were on vacation and I was at the hotel playground by myself. I got struck in the face by a swing (ran to close behind it) and almost lost an eye. I still have a scar from the stitches. Even after that my parents didn't watch me any closer. They figured I learned to be more careful around swings.

For high school, I went to a private school which required me to take a bus, train and another bus. On early release days I took a bus, a trolley, a train and a bus. I would also take public transportation into Boston to go to the main library with just my friends.

Once my DDs were in high school, they were told they had to be home by curfew and they needed to let us know where they were going. I wasn't forbidding them from going anywhere but I wanted to know where to send the police if they didn't come back home.

 

[Mkrop]

When I was in college, I went to school in a not so great neighborhood of Philly, went to bars and frat parties in other parts of the city. Before that I was a suburbanite through and through. I had never set foot in Philly on my own, yet my roommates and I managed to navigate just fine. We didnt need the experience at 16 or whenever to allow us to figure it out once we hit college

 

[Axel]

I was raised fairly liberally through the 1990s and early 2000s. I lived isolated from my elementary school because I attended a private school 20 miles away from home, but I had a fairly free rein when it came to the house. I just had to toss a "headed outside" or "headed to see Christian next door" and my mom would answer with "be back by dinner in an hour" and I would be. We moved as I entered middle school and lived in a more urban setting. I would walk or ride my bike a mile and a half each day to and from school by myself (in the winter, if I was lucky, a neighbor with younger children would drive me instead). I left after school practices by myself to walk/ride home later in the evening as well. On weekends and afternoons, I again just had to toss a "headed out for a ride" to my mother or grandmother and off I was. Sometimes, if I was home alone, I would just leave a note in case they returned before I did.. I didn't have a cell phone until I was a freshman in high school and even then it was only for practical purposes.

My high school had less than 1000 students from nine/ten sending towns. I lived close to forty minutes away by car from the school. I had a phone because if I missed a bus, there was no way I was making it home by myself. Plus, all of my athletic trips had to be carefully coordinated. I had to call home from a specific point in order to avoid having either my parents or myself waiting for forty minutes (or more) while the other made their way to the school. But when it came to non-school time, the world was mine. I live in an extremely rural area (the National Forest surrounds my house) and I was free to go off and walk in the woods whenever I wanted. If I wanted to go to the movies, I went to the movies. If I was going to the Dairy Queen with friends, we went. I just told my parents that I was headed out and that I'd be back by 10.

The opposite happened with one of my close friends. She was raised by extreme helicopter parents (not allowed in a car with a driver under 25, couldn't go see any movies PG-13 or higher without a parent, had to be home by 7 every night, etc and when she got to college and was free from her parents' rules, she went completely wild and ended up on academic probation with an alcohol addiction. She had no idea how to do things like set up a doctor's appointment if she was feeling ill, or how to even check her bank account balance because her parents had controlled her funds so tightly. She had a very hard transition into the real world.

 

[scoutie]

The neighbor girl is overprotected. She is eight, and whenever she is at my house to play, I have to walk her home. Her house is literally four feet from my home. I can't text or call her mom to let her know she's on her way. I have to physically walk her. We live on a cul de sac in a very safe neighborhood.