I handle all of the money balances in our house. I always have.
DH was never very good at managing his money. When I met him, he would have to wait for his paychecks to come in so that he could pay the bills. For example, if his car payment was due towards the end of the month, he'd have to wait until the paycheck for the latter part of the month came in so that he could pay it. So end of the month bills were always at risk.
After my divorce, my mom helped me out and I went to a new way to manage money...deposit all paychecks for the month into the savings account, then on the first of the month, transfer over the whole month to pay the bills. So on the first, every dollar I need is there and I never have to worry about bills due after the 20th for example.
So when dh and I got together, that's what I did with him. He happily handed everything over, since I was so good at managing it all. And while we were both working and making money, we were able to pay all the bills, put some into savings and enjoy our lives.
However, he's lost his job 4 times in the 15 years we've been married. And I admit that there have been purchases that I know I shouldn't have made that I did, because I wanted him to be happy. His father worked, his mother didn't, and as a result, his father did what he wanted with the money, without generally consulting his mother at all. She is very frugal, to the point of being almost obsessive about it, claiming she doesn't have money for simple things, yet we know exactly what she has in the bank. I don't expect her to throw her money away, but she will never, ever give the boys even a $5 to buy themselves something.
Now, dh has been out of work for the last 2 years, and as a result, I've had to be really careful with the budget. I have a second job, and have as a result of careful planning and good management, kept all the bills paid, sold his car (with the $500/mth payment), got him a new one (with a payment 1/2 as big), got myself a new car (because the 11 yo one with 260,000 miles needed mega work with no guarantee of not needing more 15 minutes later), funded 2 vacations, paid for a bar mitzvah for our older son, saved money to pay for both boys' summer camps, and paid off almost $10,000 in CC debt.
However, dh is constantly angry at me. He resents having to give up his fun stuff, like DD coffee, his Keurig coffee, buying himself clothes or going out to dinner, golfing, etc. He thinks that I'm hiding money somewhere to fund my "lavish" lifestyle. He has no idea what we have, or what things cost. I have tried again and again to explain it to him but he simply stares at me like he doesn't understand. He has a side business detailing cars, but has had only 1 or 2 in the last 6 months. We were lucky that his previous job paid mileage expenses and I was able to keep enough in the account to cover his car payment, but that's all gone now so I have to dip into monthly expenses to do that. When asked how I'm supposed to do that, he just stares at me..no answer.
This is just a small amount of our troubles at home. He is also one that thinks of himself before he thinks of anyone else, including the kids. He never once asked me if there was money to buy the kids Chanukah presents or if I had gotten them anything, but the minute he got some money from his mother, he ran out and ordered himself a nav system for the car, with the plan that he'd get enough from my mother to pay off the balance. Well the thing came, I didn't know, he opened it, programmed it, put it in the car and got rid of the box before he told me and I had to use house money to cover the difference. And he simply kept saying "I needed it." Just doesn't get it.
He will never look at what he is picking up at the store, never check the price, claim he didn't notice he got the "brand" name rather than the less expensive store brand. He wants the more expensive items, thinks he should have them, doesn't get why he can't have them anymore. He is home a lot during the day, yet he will not take charge of the house like he said he would, leaving me to have to ask again and again that he vacuum, or dust, or clean the front of the house so that it doesn't look like some neglected home that is an embarrassment to me and the kids.
I am now in therapy. Started a short while ago. We're working on me learning to let go of my anger, since it's not doing anyone any good. He doesn't really care that I'm angry, because he thinks that everything I do is designed to make him miserable. There is no kindness anymore, no consideration. My poor kids see so much anger in the house, and since he's with them so much (since I'm working) he's managed to make them believe that he's spending hours each day looking for a job, that all I do is yell and blame him, he's the "buddy" and I'm the bad guy.
I absolutely admit that this runs so much deeper than money issues. I would agree that everyone is entitled to some "mad" money, but when you're not bringing any into the house (and sitting home while the gov't sends you a check each week is not bringing in money) you don't get to have any mad money. You need to think about what you can do to help. Especially when I tell him that I've run out of grocery money for the month...don't then take your birthday money and hide it so that when the younger one needs a few $$ to get something to eat before a baseball game you have to "borrow" it from the older one and then simply "forget" to give it back to him, or worse yet, expect me to give it to him, when you have $$ sitting up in your drawer hidden until you can spend it on yourself.
I agree with NYCDiane, it's much harder to make any sort of move when there are kids involved. If I throw him out now, he'd have no money to afford an apartment, pay his car payment (which is in my name), pay the insurance, anything. Then again, I just found out that in his mother's development, one party living in the house has to be 55, and the other must be 48. Well, he just made that milestone last month LOL!!!
DH was never very good at managing his money. When I met him, he would have to wait for his paychecks to come in so that he could pay the bills. For example, if his car payment was due towards the end of the month, he'd have to wait until the paycheck for the latter part of the month came in so that he could pay it. So end of the month bills were always at risk.
After my divorce, my mom helped me out and I went to a new way to manage money...deposit all paychecks for the month into the savings account, then on the first of the month, transfer over the whole month to pay the bills. So on the first, every dollar I need is there and I never have to worry about bills due after the 20th for example.
So when dh and I got together, that's what I did with him. He happily handed everything over, since I was so good at managing it all. And while we were both working and making money, we were able to pay all the bills, put some into savings and enjoy our lives.
However, he's lost his job 4 times in the 15 years we've been married. And I admit that there have been purchases that I know I shouldn't have made that I did, because I wanted him to be happy. His father worked, his mother didn't, and as a result, his father did what he wanted with the money, without generally consulting his mother at all. She is very frugal, to the point of being almost obsessive about it, claiming she doesn't have money for simple things, yet we know exactly what she has in the bank. I don't expect her to throw her money away, but she will never, ever give the boys even a $5 to buy themselves something.
Now, dh has been out of work for the last 2 years, and as a result, I've had to be really careful with the budget. I have a second job, and have as a result of careful planning and good management, kept all the bills paid, sold his car (with the $500/mth payment), got him a new one (with a payment 1/2 as big), got myself a new car (because the 11 yo one with 260,000 miles needed mega work with no guarantee of not needing more 15 minutes later), funded 2 vacations, paid for a bar mitzvah for our older son, saved money to pay for both boys' summer camps, and paid off almost $10,000 in CC debt.
However, dh is constantly angry at me. He resents having to give up his fun stuff, like DD coffee, his Keurig coffee, buying himself clothes or going out to dinner, golfing, etc. He thinks that I'm hiding money somewhere to fund my "lavish" lifestyle. He has no idea what we have, or what things cost. I have tried again and again to explain it to him but he simply stares at me like he doesn't understand. He has a side business detailing cars, but has had only 1 or 2 in the last 6 months. We were lucky that his previous job paid mileage expenses and I was able to keep enough in the account to cover his car payment, but that's all gone now so I have to dip into monthly expenses to do that. When asked how I'm supposed to do that, he just stares at me..no answer.
This is just a small amount of our troubles at home. He is also one that thinks of himself before he thinks of anyone else, including the kids. He never once asked me if there was money to buy the kids Chanukah presents or if I had gotten them anything, but the minute he got some money from his mother, he ran out and ordered himself a nav system for the car, with the plan that he'd get enough from my mother to pay off the balance. Well the thing came, I didn't know, he opened it, programmed it, put it in the car and got rid of the box before he told me and I had to use house money to cover the difference. And he simply kept saying "I needed it." Just doesn't get it.
He will never look at what he is picking up at the store, never check the price, claim he didn't notice he got the "brand" name rather than the less expensive store brand. He wants the more expensive items, thinks he should have them, doesn't get why he can't have them anymore. He is home a lot during the day, yet he will not take charge of the house like he said he would, leaving me to have to ask again and again that he vacuum, or dust, or clean the front of the house so that it doesn't look like some neglected home that is an embarrassment to me and the kids.
I am now in therapy. Started a short while ago. We're working on me learning to let go of my anger, since it's not doing anyone any good. He doesn't really care that I'm angry, because he thinks that everything I do is designed to make him miserable. There is no kindness anymore, no consideration. My poor kids see so much anger in the house, and since he's with them so much (since I'm working) he's managed to make them believe that he's spending hours each day looking for a job, that all I do is yell and blame him, he's the "buddy" and I'm the bad guy.
I absolutely admit that this runs so much deeper than money issues. I would agree that everyone is entitled to some "mad" money, but when you're not bringing any into the house (and sitting home while the gov't sends you a check each week is not bringing in money) you don't get to have any mad money. You need to think about what you can do to help. Especially when I tell him that I've run out of grocery money for the month...don't then take your birthday money and hide it so that when the younger one needs a few $$ to get something to eat before a baseball game you have to "borrow" it from the older one and then simply "forget" to give it back to him, or worse yet, expect me to give it to him, when you have $$ sitting up in your drawer hidden until you can spend it on yourself.
I agree with NYCDiane, it's much harder to make any sort of move when there are kids involved. If I throw him out now, he'd have no money to afford an apartment, pay his car payment (which is in my name), pay the insurance, anything. Then again, I just found out that in his mother's development, one party living in the house has to be 55, and the other must be 48. Well, he just made that milestone last month LOL!!!
