Are married children expected to spend equal time with parents and lnlaws?

[Green Tea]

Not a parent of married kids yet, but we will be flexible. My inlaws are horrible about expecting on holidays. The notion of getting together on an alternate day will not even be considered by MIL. We spend every holiday going from house to house.

 

[jen0610]

My husband and I are in our 30's, have been married for 5 years and have no children. I feel guilty if I don't see my father, brother and sister on Christmas day. My parents are divorced ( my mother is flexible as far as the schedule goes! ) my siblings and I have aways gotten together christmas morning to visit with our father. Now that I am married it is much harder because my husbands family gets together every christmas starting at noon, no compromise! We get to my dads and then its almost as if we have to turn around and leave right away! It is about a 45 minute drive to most of my husbands family ( they all take turns having it at their houses ) so we are always late and we are expected to bring a food item and by the time we get there they are already eating and making comments that our food wasn't there.....not us, the food! Christmas is also my husbands birthday and just once I would love to be able to spend it with just the 2 of us without the guilt!

I totally get the whole birthday/holiday combo. With mine being the 24th, DH's whole family learned very quickly while we were dating that just because they do their family thing on the 24th, didn't mean that DH and I weren't going to take time out on that day, just for Birthday time. They all know that until 1 o'clock on the 24th, it's all about my birthday. I don't think or do anything Christmas related, until then.

With DH's family, we have the biggest house, so we have been doing Christmas at our house the last 10 years. We do most of the cooking, but everybody brings sides. When SIL and BIL divorced, the one neice stayed with her dad. BIL was still included in our family gatherings, SIL could go get stuffed if she didn't like it. But our neice always wanted to know what she and her dad could bring. Neither one cooked much, so I always told her if they really wanted to help out, just kick me a few bucks and I would use it to get our stuff. Every year when they get there, she walks in gives me a hug and asks what did she make this year. She's gotten really good at candied yams and cinimmon apples.

The year that the married neice and DH had a schedule conflict, his side of the family changed their plans late on the 23rd, I told her the same thing I told the other neice. I already had on hand the items I would need to make what she was going to bring. Just kick me a few bucks and we would be fine.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

The holidays are split. This year, Thanksgiving is with the inlaws, Christmas with my family. Next year will be the opposite. With DH's family, the houses are rotated (or at least they are supposed to be). With my family, they come to us. We have the biggest house and are the only ones with kids. I'm sure no one wants us staying at their house too long. This is simply the way it is, I've tried changing things, but its not going to happen. Around Christmas, the family ends up coming to our house anyways because DD4's birthday is Dec. 29. Now we also have DD0's birthday, she'll be one on Dec. 23. (Last year was one CRAZY Christmas!)

 

[golfgal]

We were expected to split time on EACH holiday, no Thanksgiving one year Christmas the next, we were expected to spend 1/2 day at one family, 1/2 at the other. When the kids came along and it got more and more complicated we finally put our foot down and said we were staying home. Everyone was more then welcome to come visit us. We were the only ones with kids at the time and all we heard was how hard it was to travel at the holiday's. Um, right, try it was a 3 year old and infant twins.

DH's family started getting together the Saturday before Christmas and has been doing that for many years. We now host that at our house since we have moved back closer to family.

My family wanted to celebrate on the day or nothing so we chose nothing.

Now that the kids are older we have started traveling again to my Dad's place-but that is only every other year.

 

[lspst8]

I just got married, but we are planning on spending both Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family (just my parents, sister, and her husband). His parents always go to Atlanta for Christmas with his grandmother and aunt, but neither of us want to take any vacation time for that trip. His family doesn't really do anything for Thanksgiving, while my family loves to cook.

I've only met his mother twice (his parents are married and only live 30 minutes from us) so I don't think his parents really care that we are spending all the holidays with my family. I've never even been invited into their house! Yes, it is really weird and my husband realizes it, but apparently it has always been like this at his home.

 

[JLitfin]

While we were dating we had to split our time among both families Christmas Eve, spent at DH's home with his mother and sisters, Christmas Day afternoon my house than back to DH's home in the evening. Than we got married and moved to CA, first year we came home for the holidays, split our time the same way. Everyone wanted to see us and the new baby. After two years we moved back to MD and once again split our time the same way until I put my foot down. Now we spend Christmas Eve with my DH's mother and Christmas Day morning at our home than we usually meet around 1pm at one of my sister's homes or at my home with my side of the family. This has worked great for both sides of our family. We're not riding between several places on Christmas Day.

Thanksgiving Day we always host dinner at our home and have both families together. After splitting our time for many years and eatting two Thanksgiving Day Dinners, we finally said this was enough, I couldn't eat two dinners any longer, so I cook dinner and invite both families.

 

[Becky2005]

Luckily for me, I don't really have in-laws so it's not an issue BUT my family is so easy-going about these things.

For example, my brother & I switch off hosting Thanksgiving/Christmas. We always check to see what my SIL (brother's wife) is doing with her family, so if they are having Thanksgiving ON Thanksgiving, we have it on another day. Sometimes they are out of town, so we have it on Thanksgiving then. Same with Christmas. We *rarely* get together with extended family on actual Christmas day. In our case, we always host my DH's sister & her husband on Christmas Eve plus my parents go down to my aunt's house. So, that day is always not available for the rest of us.

We've been known to have Christmas New Year's weekend, if that is what works for everyone.

It just makes everyone's life so much easier and we *really* don't care if we celebrate on the actual day or not. I know when my older 2 were younger, we did have the split running around and it was HARD.

 

[HsvTeacher]

My DH and I live in Alabama. We spend Thanksgiving with his dad and stepmother in Texas. On Christmas Eve, we go to my parents' house. (They live in the same city.) Then on Christmas morning, we fly to Connecticut to spend the holidays with my MIL and the rest of my DH's family. We always leave on New Year's Day. It wears us out, but it's important to us that we spend time with everyone, because our parents aren't getting any younger.

 

[becky_AK]

That is an issue my DH & I have been dealing with in our 8 years of marriage. His family is in Alaska and my family is in Idaho...not exactly neighboring states. We have tried to split time equally, as much as possible, but it is difficult and I feel like there are often hurt feelings.

Our solution this year??? We are going to WDW. We told everyone we are doing are own thing for Christmas.

 

[traviesojmt]

This is an instance where being a military family has served us very well. Since we have always lived pretty far from home, no one expects us to fly home for every holiday. We do try to share holidays with my family when possible, but it is at our choosing and not because we are expected to be there. My parents have also flown out to spend holidays with us. This year, we are only 5 1/2 hours from my family. My family is driving down for Thanksgiving and we are going there for Christmas. We do not see my DH's family very often, so equal time in never an issue.
My DH will be deployed for 6 months next year so we have already told the family to count us out for Christmas next year. We are taking a vacation for Christmas next year.

 

[SydSim]

I guess I'm a rebel - I don't buckle under pressure from family. We do what we want, when we want no matter what someone else's tradition is. People can be so selfish sometimes. Weddings, funerals and holidays - GEESH! Why do people feel like the world will come to an end because something is done differently.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

After I posted the OP, I started thinking about my friends and the way they split up time. When we were growing up (1970s & 1980s), I think about 90% of my friends spend Christmas at home in their own houses. Occasionally, one of the friends would travel to Grandma's house in another state, but for the most part the grandparents came to the grandkids houses.

Now that we are all grown up, it seems like the children (now in their 30s) still go to their parents house for all holidays. I wonder why our parents' generation stayed home when they were raising children, but now they expect their married kids to leave their houses on Christmas?

 

[DisneyMom81]

We have issues with the holidays too, but not exactly like that. I've gotten to the point that I tell everyone, we are having breakfast here - Everyone is invited, and if you can make it, great, if not, I'll see ya after the new year.

 

[NotUrsula]

Yeah, it's been an issue, but we are now down to only one surviving parent. She doesn't cook much, so I now get to host every time we stay home. I really don't want to, either, but it is one of those duty things.

With my own family, we have come up with a compromise. We (the younger generation) decided that since holiday travel is so expensive, because it's a PITA hauling gifts all over the country for children, and because there are often work-duty issues to deal with, we made a joint decision that we would pick a "reunion weekend" that was NOT one of the Big Three. (Those being Thanksgiving, Xmas, and Easter.) Now that non-holiday weekend is our family command performance, and it is a LOT more fun, because there isn't any Currier & Ives hokum to live up to. No sacred menu, and no gifts to drag around.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Traditionally, we have spent Christmas Eve with my family and Christmas Brunch with DH's family. Christmas night....we celebrate at home with anyone and everyone.
We have four grown children. They are expected to make at least one of the celebrations. Fortunately, we all live in the same county.

**edited to add**We also attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Our children and their families try to attend....as well as my MIL. It's tough for little ones though. This was a family tradition for many years. Our kids loved it. We'd have a late night snack and they could choose one gift to open after church.

 

[mtemm]

we split time pretty equally when we were first together. after we had our eldest son, we travelled back to where our parents lived (we moved about 5 hours away when when he was 6 months or so, a few months before the holidays) for the holidays. and it was when we said never again...our home was open to any and all, but we were staying put for holidays.

a few years later we moved back to where our parents lived, or within an hour of where they lived, and kept our tradition. anyone is welcome to come, but we aren't travelling on holidays.

it works for us. of course, I'm not originally from this area so no extended family to deal with, and dh's family is small.

when my kids are adults, well, we'll see what they decide. I hope I remember how hard it is to travel with little kids and not pressure them to come to me if they would prefer to host. hopefully whatever new tradition ends up happening works for all!

 

[hopemax]

We alternate Christmases but the time we spend at each is different.

When we go to DH family we are usually there for 4 days. We don't actually go to his parents house, as the family always gets together at the Grandparent's houses. Maternal Grandma on Christmas Eve, Paternal Grandpa on Christmas Day. I get along with DH's family and I never had big holiday celebrations growing up. I was an only child and we lived 2500 miles away from the rest of my family, so I enjoy the BIG celebrations.

When we go to my parents' house it is usually a week, sometimes longer. My Mom works at WDW, so what else would happen, seriously.

This is how it is now, with everyone living in a different state. When we all lived in Washington it was a lot harder. The first year we were married, we honeymooned at WDW over Christmas, and we went out-of-state to a friend for Thanksgiving just to avoid any family holiday fights. They all survived and it set the pattern, to be grateful when we are there. But the first few years were still hard. My senior year of high school, my paternal grandmother moved in with my parents. She passed away right before Halloween the 2nd year we were married. Christmas was supposed to be with DH's family, but we ended up driving to DH's Grandma for Christmas Eve, back home to be with my parents Christmas morning, and over to DH Grandpa's Christmas afternoon, because I knew Christmas would be really hard for my Dad. The next year, we did the same thing, I forget why.

My parents got used to the every other year thing fairly quickly. MIL, didn't really accept it until the other grandkids got married and had to split time too. I guess then she wasn't the only one having to "suffer" without her son being there. This year I wonder how she is going to manage, as it isn't our year, and SIL moved to Michigan and isn't coming home either. We have it all arranged that all the grandkids are there the same year, so everyone can see everyone. It is also going to be different for us this year too. We are closing on our first house next month, so no money for the WDW trip. So my parents are coming here, and I'm hosting.

 

[disykat]

We're pretty lucky. Our parents live in the same town about a mile apart (a different state than us) so it's pretty easy to split the time. When we were first married, we always went for holidays and split time and no one ever gave us any trouble. Holiday dinner at one house, dessert at another, rotate the next visit. Church with my parents since his don't attend anywhere.

I put my foot down about traveling when the kids were born. My parents backed me 100% but it was tough for the inlaws at first. We travel AFTER Christmas and spend 5 or 6 days over New Years visiting everyone. We split time while we are there, but probably spend more time with dh's family since he has extended family around to visit as well. My folks understand this too. I head over to my folks house while the kids are hanging out with their cousins and have some extra visits.

Once my inlaws got over us not being there Christmas Day it has worked well for everyone. We get to spend MORE time with everyone without the pressure of trying to be somewhere on a specific day.

 

[N&B'smom]

Well, we don't have that issue because my MIL died 10 years ago and my FIL is in Florida over all the major holidays. (we're in NJ) My parents however still go to my grandmother's house (father's mom) EVERY single Thanksgiving, year after year. (45 min away) For awhile we went along.

Now that I have my own children I don't feel like I should have to keep up the tradition that my father/mother choose for themselves. My father thinks we should go every year because as he puts it (guilt factor), we never know how much longer my grandmother has left. (she's 90)

Several years ago we stopped going. It bothers my Dad but I've told them over and over, they are free to do what they want with their holidays and so are we.

As for Christmas, we stay home. My parents have dinner at their place sometimes and other times they don't. But we choose to stay home and enjoy the day just the 4 of us. It's a nice, relaxing day that we spend in our jammies having nowhere else to go!!!

 

[mickeyboat]

We have always lived at least 14 hours away from one family or the other. When we were first married we switched off Thanksgiving and spent some time at Christmas with both families (spend Christmas Eve with one, drive Christmas Eve night, spend Christmas Day with the other).

When we first had kids we would travel to the one family for Christmas and celebrated Christmas with the other family at another time.

One year we left at Noon on Christmas Day for our 14 hour trip. We got caught in a gigantic snowstorm about an hour from home. We turned around but by the time we got back on the road, we were pushing snow with the bumper of our van. We could not see the lines on the road, and knew we were going off when we heard the rumble strips. The kids were car sick and throwing up, and they had peed through their pull ups. We could not stop and I didn't dare unbuckle them or myself. When we got home, DH had to shovel the end of the driveway because there was no way we could make it over the mountain of snow.

After that we decided never to travel on Christmas again. People are welcome to visit us, but we aren't going anywhere!