Are Funeral Dinners Popular Where You Live? **FINAL UPDATE Post 158**

[amberpi]

And of course alcohol is served pretty much everywhere except at a kiddie party in a kiddie party place.

This is the one thing I know I can't screw up when I show up with it!

 

[maxaroni]

Originally from Bergen County....I am from Ridgewood and my DH from Paramus. I so know 4 & 17....ugh. For what it's worth, we always stop. We had a funeral procession from Paramus to upstate NY, quite a ways above Albany. We all decided to just meet there instead of trying to stay together. It was a cousin, so we weren't immediate family making the decisions.

I have noticed more and more people not stopping for funerals. Especially on highways.
My father in law had a police escort from the church to the cemetery(good thing, too..it was about 10 miles in Bergen County Saturday traffic on Rts4 and 17..), they had a police car in front, and one in back and then 2 motorcycle police who drove back and forth making sure that no one accidentally got in the procession, and then police from the towns we went through, blocked intersections.

I think your plan is perfect.

 

[ronandannette]

I would much prefer to have our immediate family (just our adult children and grandchildren) come back to our home for the meal after the service. We considered a restaurant but there isn't one close by that has a private dining room, so there would be strangers sitting at tables close to us and I just don't want that. And since we are not having the pastor of the church my Mom used to attend perform her funeral service I wouldn't want to ask to have a dinner there. I would be much more comfortable in our own home. The meal will be catered and our son-in-law has already offered to go pick it up (unless the caterere will deliver, not sure on that yet) and I plan to have several of Mom's photo albums on the table for everyone to look at if they want to, and we will just eat and visit and reminisce about good times with Mom/Grandma/Great-Grandma. I won't care how long they stay, so no worries there. If I do feel the need to excuse myself for a moment or two, we have a big house so I can definitely get away if I need to but don't see that happening. To ME, and our kids have agreed, this will be the best for everyone.

I doubt there will be anyone coming from far away that I would feel the need to invite, and since the funeral will be at 2:00 and won't be a long one and the graveside service will be short as well it will probably all be over and done with by 3:30 - 4:00 so I doubt anyone will really "expect" to be fed. If they do, sorry, they can take themselves to a restaurant.

I think I'm speaking for practically everyone on the thread when I say "your plan is A-OK with us". I'm not sure why you're second-guessing yourself; is someone giving you grief over it?

I was on my churches funeral meal list. My assigned dishes were funeral potatoes and corn casserole. When my name came up on the list I knew I would be called to bring one of those dishes. I always kept the supplies for those on hand. Sadly, I had to take my name off the list because I no longer drive and have no way to get the food to the church.

Over the years, the funerals I have attended will have fried chicken, chicken and noodles, ham, chicken casserole or meat loaf as the main dish. You will have a wide assortment of sides and lots of desserts. Drinks are always coffee, iced tea, lemonade and water.

I have never attended any kind of a dinner that had ziti or chicken parm and I have been to lots of dinners over the years. I had 3 kids so that was lots of sports meals, awards meal, you name it. If you want those dishes, you would have to go to a restaurant. On the other hand, I have had more than my fair share of casseroles and jello salads!

A hot meal after a funeral just isn't done here, but you make me wish it was!! The DIS makes these "funeral potatoes" of which you speak sound totally awesome!

 

[powellrj]

I think I'm speaking for practically everyone on the thread when I say "your plan is A-OK with us". I'm not sure why you're second-guessing yourself; is someone giving you grief over it?


A hot meal after a funeral just isn't done here, but you make me wish it was!! The DIS makes these "funeral potatoes" of which you speak sound totally awesome!

This is the recipe I use, except I use crushed potato chips to top mine!

https://lilluna.com/funeral-potatoes/

 

[maxaroni]

My family's as well as DH's have had some sort of gathering/meal after the graveside service. On my side it has been at a restaurant and DH's back at the house for deli trays. Sometimes, people would bring trays of lasagne or baked ziti for the family for the week, on DH's side.

That all went out the window when my mom passed away 3.5 years ago. We had a direct cremation for my mom and no service. We are such a small family and have very little extended family, people we really don't ever see. I am an only child, as both my parents were, my grandmother, etc. Truly a tiny family. It worked for everyone. We knew the end was coming with my mom, so gave us all time to figure it out ahead of time.

@MIGrandma, I am so sorry you are going through this. It is never easy.

 

[maxaroni]

I think I'm speaking for practically everyone on the thread when I say "your plan is A-OK with us". I'm not sure why you're second-guessing yourself; is someone giving you grief over it?


A hot meal after a funeral just isn't done here, but you make me wish it was!! The DIS makes these "funeral potatoes" of which you speak sound totally awesome!

Not OP and not sure if I am understanding your question, or maybe I am wrong. I think OP would prefer to have just immediate family back at the house, her moms wishes are something different. One of those things that even not wanting to do it, you do for someone else. These things are so hard. I had never heard of funeral potatoes either....sounds yummy!

 

[MIGrandma]

I think I'm speaking for practically everyone on the thread when I say "your plan is A-OK with us". I'm not sure why you're second-guessing yourself; is someone giving you grief over it?

No, no one is giving me grief over it. I was just trying to clarify why I wanted to have the meal in our own home, as I think it was the poster tarheel that suggested we do it in a church or restaurant and I was just expaining to her (and anyone else who was interested) why I didn't want to do it in either of those places.

Our family is fine with having it at our house, more comfortable for them as well.

 

[MIGrandma]

Not OP and not sure if I am understanding your question, or maybe I am wrong. I think OP would prefer to have just immediate family back at the house, her moms wishes are something different. One of those things that even not wanting to do it, you do for someone else. These things are so hard. I had never heard of funeral potatoes either....sounds yummy!

Your facts are just a bit off. My Mom only told me of her wishes for her funeral, in that she wants visitation at the funeral home and a traditional service. She did not say she wanted, or didn't want, a dinner following so I'm not going against her wishes at all concerning the dinner. I will do exactly what she wants for her funeral, but since she didn't care about a dinner we are doing what is comfortable for our immediate family.

 

[maxaroni]

Your facts are just a bit off. My Mom only told me of her wishes for her funeral, in that she wants visitation at the funeral home and a traditional service. She did not say she wanted, or didn't want, a dinner following so I'm not going against her wishes at all concerning the dinner. I will do exactly what she wants for her funeral, but since she didn't care about a dinner we are doing what is comfortable for our immediate family.

@MIGrandma Sorry about that. I didn't go back and reread from when I read the post yesterday. It was one of those times I should have just kept my mouth shut...lol
I didn't mean to mis represent your situation.

@ronandannette disregard my above post.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

No, no one is giving me grief over it. I was just trying to clarify why I wanted to have the meal in our own home, as I think it was the poster tarheel that suggested we do it in a church or restaurant and I was just expaining to her (and anyone else who was interested) why I didn't want to do it in either of those places.

Our family is fine with having it at our house, more comfortable for them as well.

Are you talking about me or another Tar Heel? If you thought I was suggesting anything at all, that wasn't what I intended. I expressed what I'm used to, but I think you should do what is easiest for you emotionally. My sisters & I vary greatly, when it comes to funerals. I think it's cruel to expect a close family member to play greeter for a funeral receiving line or host a post funeral get together. That's just my view on it & my sisters disagree. That's fine. I do my thing & they do theirs. I thought I was clear about that. If not, I apologize for not being clearer.

 

[kimblebee]

For any funeral I've been to there is always a reception after the funeral for everyone at the funeral. It's coffee, juice, and finger sandwiches. Then, that night, there's a dinner for immediate family at someone's house..it's usually catered.

Processions here don't have a police escort. The hearse goes first and then the family limo then everyone else. You have your headlights on as a sign you are in the procession. Not sure about how it works on a highway but in the city you are allowed to run a red light if in a procession..you don't have to wait for the next green.

 

[MouseLover]

It is very common here, but it generally done as a courtesy to the family-- they are not expected to pay or contribute food.

Sometimes just the family is invited, and others an open invitation is extended to all who attended.

 

[focusondisney]

We do meals after the funeral here too. In our area, it's called a funeral breakfast or luncheon, depending on what time the funeral is. And it usually is in a private room at a restaurant or banquet facility. There are some restaurants that are popular for these meals. Many places actually have special prices & menus specifically for funeral lunches. Usually anyone attending the funeral is invited. Sometimes just the family.

My dad passed away about 1 &1/2 years ago. The place our family usually goes to was booked for the day of my dad's funeral. I called 3 other places before I found somewhere we could have it. We ended up very happy with both the venue & the food. The place we usually go to, everybody just visits for a few minutes, eats & leaves. The place we ended up at asked if someone was going to say a few words, give a eulogy, make a toast, did we need a mike, etc. We had never done that before, so we're caught off guard. My siblings begged off, so I spoke. I welcomed everyone, told a story or 2 about dad & asked if others wanted to share a story. Several people spoke up & they were all happy, funny stories. Then I made a toast to dad & we had a nice buffet meal. We had about 80 people which the restaurant said was unusual for someone in his 80's. After eating, we were able to visit with extended family & childhood friends we hadn't seen in a long while. At the 2 days of viewings, there were so many people to see & speak to, it was nice to relax & reminisce.

OP, what you have planned sounds just right for you & your family. Wishing your mother peace & strength to you & your family.

 

[DaisyJ]

ETA: Am I the only one surrounded by people who are GF, pescaterians, diary free, localvores, vegans, on and on?

Yes.

 

[jevs]

Yes, for as long as I remember there is food after the service at someones house. Everyone who went to the service is invited back, it isn't a sit down dinner but more finger foods etc. Usually neighbours assist with getting it all together.

 

[mickyzzzzz05]

First my sympathy to the OP and her family. Praying for peace for all of you. I am from a small town in Iowa and 99% of the time the funeral is held in a church with a meal served following the graveside commitment. The meal usually involves sandwiches and sometimes hot potato dishes supplemented by the majority of people bringing a dish to share. Homemade pies, desserts and salads are usually brought. The meal is served in the church fellowship hall and people stay to eat and visit for a couple of hours. I attended a funeral in Minneapolis last year for a cousin and that was held in a Chinese place with a power point presentation and a full buffet and bar. My brother is a pastor and has served in various parts of the country. From his experiences it varies not only from region to region but from town to town. I brought a hot dish to a funeral about 10 years ago in another town and while the ladies at the church were really glad to have it I was one of the only people bringing food. Otherwise it was just the church group. As others have stated - this should be what you are comfortable with, what brings you peace not what other people expect from you.

 

[MIGrandma]

First my sympathy to the OP and her family. Praying for peace for all of you. I am from a small town in Iowa and 99% of the time the funeral is held in a church with a meal served following the graveside commitment. The meal usually involves sandwiches and sometimes hot potato dishes supplemented by the majority of people bringing a dish to share. Homemade pies, desserts and salads are usually brought. The meal is served in the church fellowship hall and people stay to eat and visit for a couple of hours. I attended a funeral in Minneapolis last year for a cousin and that was held in a Chinese place with a power point presentation and a full buffet and bar. My brother is a pastor and has served in various parts of the country. From his experiences it varies not only from region to region but from town to town. I brought a hot dish to a funeral about 10 years ago in another town and while the ladies at the church were really glad to have it I was one of the only people bringing food. Otherwise it was just the church group. As others have stated - this should be what you are comfortable with, what brings you peace not what other people expect from you.

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts mickyzzzzz05, I do so appreciate it.

Mom was not an actual member of the church she attended, and it's been almost two years since she did attend so we never even thought about having her service at the church.

DH was a Mennonite (similar to Amish) when we got married and all of his relatives have their funerals in the church, with a dinner in the fellowship hall afterward.

UPDATE ON MOM*** I received a call last evening letting us know the nurses were not able to get her vitals any longer and her breathing was very shallow. I expected "the call" during the night but it hasn't come yet. The nurse did call this morning around 9:00 to let us know that hospice is now with her continually and her breathing stops but then starts up again. She said probably because of her having a pacemaker it will take awhile longer for her to pass. We did not go up to see her when we got the call last night, as we had been there in the afternoon. She of course was sleeping when we got there but I touched her shoulder and she briefly woke up and said "hi" and gave us a nice smile. She was too weak to sip her milkshake (I always take her one) though and did not visit with us at all and just slept, so we didn't stay long. It was too hard. I kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest and she didn't respond much. The nurse said now she is not responding to anyone, so it won't be long. So, so hard. But I'm truly thankful we have always been so close. Not only has she been my Mom for 80 years, but a very good friend as well.

 

[MIGrandma]

Are you talking about me or another Tar Heel? If you thought I was suggesting anything at all, that wasn't what I intended. I expressed what I'm used to, but I think you should do what is easiest for you emotionally. My sisters & I vary greatly, when it comes to funerals. I think it's cruel to expect a close family member to play greeter for a funeral receiving line or host a post funeral get together. That's just my view on it & my sisters disagree. That's fine. I do my thing & they do theirs. I thought I was clear about that. If not, I apologize for not being clearer.

I didn't even realize there were two tarheels, so very sorry. It was tarheel618 that said we "should" have the dinner in a church or restaurant. I'm a bit scatterbrained when I'm normal (LOL) but even moreso now with what we're dealing with. I'm putting things in the refrigerator when I meant to microwave it, even originally posted this thread on the Carnival Cruise (Cruise Critic) message board as I didn't remember I had gotten out of this board and went there. Yikes!! So had to ask a moderator there to remove it. I felt so dumb!

 

[DaisyJ]

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts mickyzzzzz05, I do so appreciate it.

Mom was not an actual member of the church she attended, and it's been almost two years since she did attend so we never even thought about having her service at the church.

DH was a Mennonite (similar to Amish) when we got married and all of his relatives have their funerals in the church, with a dinner in the fellowship hall afterward.

UPDATE ON MOM*** I received a call last evening letting us know the nurses were not able to get her vitals any longer and her breathing was very shallow. I expected "the call" during the night but it hasn't come yet. The nurse did call this morning around 9:00 to let us know that hospice is now with her continually and her breathing stops but then starts up again. She said probably because of her having a pacemaker it will take awhile longer for her to pass. We did not go up to see her when we got the call last night, as we had been there in the afternoon. She of course was sleeping when we got there but I touched her shoulder and she briefly woke up and said "hi" and gave us a nice smile. She was too weak to sip her milkshake (I always take her one) though and did not visit with us at all and just slept, so we didn't stay long. It was too hard. I kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest and she didn't respond much. The nurse said now she is not responding to anyone, so it won't be long. So, so hard. But I'm truly thankful we have always been so close. Not only has she been my Mom for 80 years, but a very good friend as well.

I'm so sorry. I hope you're able to find some peace in the coming days.

 

[Mizzoufan]

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts mickyzzzzz05, I do so appreciate it.

Mom was not an actual member of the church she attended, and it's been almost two years since she did attend so we never even thought about having her service at the church.

DH was a Mennonite (similar to Amish) when we got married and all of his relatives have their funerals in the church, with a dinner in the fellowship hall afterward.

UPDATE ON MOM*** I received a call last evening letting us know the nurses were not able to get her vitals any longer and her breathing was very shallow. I expected "the call" during the night but it hasn't come yet. The nurse did call this morning around 9:00 to let us know that hospice is now with her continually and her breathing stops but then starts up again. She said probably because of her having a pacemaker it will take awhile longer for her to pass. We did not go up to see her when we got the call last night, as we had been there in the afternoon. She of course was sleeping when we got there but I touched her shoulder and she briefly woke up and said "hi" and gave us a nice smile. She was too weak to sip her milkshake (I always take her one) though and did not visit with us at all and just slept, so we didn't stay long. It was too hard. I kissed her on the cheek and told her we were going to let her rest and she didn't respond much. The nurse said now she is not responding to anyone, so it won't be long. So, so hard. But I'm truly thankful we have always been so close. Not only has she been my Mom for 80 years, but a very good friend as well.

I'm so very sorry. I'm praying for your family.