Anyone truly on the fence about having children?

[CJK]

I seem to know very few people who are in the same situation as us so I'm curious to find out if anyone on the DIS has similar feelings! Dh and I are truly on the fence about having children. We enjoy other children very much but we also enjoy not having any children of our own (yet). Part of that is selfishness I'm sure, but I am also terrified of being a bad mother and don't want to inflict that on any child. When I hold another baby, I feel the maternal urge, but then the next moment I see a mother at the end of her rope and I sympathize. One day I'll think I do want children and the next, I don't. Most people I know either always "knew" they wanted or didn't want children. I don't fit in either category. Can anyone relate? What are your experiences like?

 

[Pembo]

I am , but wait we already have 3!

Seriously, they are alot of work and somedays I ask myself when I get paid for this job but then they smile or say something sweet and it's all worth it. Children are great!

Don't overthink it too much. If you think you might be ready, then go for it. You are never TRULY ready. With each baby we were driving to the hospital and I wasn't sure I wanted to go thru with it. Good luck in your decision.

 

[eeyore65]

I'm mostly a lurker but had to respond to this. I vowed never to have children. I'm in a very rewarding and demanding career (lots of travel) But after about 10 years of marriage and career, I/we started to feel like something was missing in our lives.

We took the plunge and had DS (now 5). It has been the most rewarding, challenging thing I have ever done. Since we waited so long, we decided we wanted to raise him ourselves so DH quit his job and stays home full time with him.

I want to add that I'm glad we waited. We really knew each other before we did this and had a very good and stable marriage - and the baby still has tried this from time to time. I am very settled in my career and feel I have more time (and money) to give to this endeavor without risking my career.

People were shocked when I announced my pregnancy - I was so sure we would have no kids. So never say never and I should also add - one child has been perfect for us. But I can't imagine our life without him.

 

[bananiem]

How old are you? If you're still relatively young just enjoy life for awhile and re-evaluate later.
I really feel strongly that people should only have kids if they're SURE they want the responsibility and are willing to give it their all. When I worked in childcare for 6 years I saw way too many parents that seemed to have had kids because "everybody else was so we figured we would too." It's not fair to the kids.
I love my kids to death and I know it was the right decision for us but that doesn't mean it's the right decision for everybody. We also waited until we were 30. We had the house, were financially stable, had been married for 5 years, had travelled...

 

[jeleebeene]

Actually, DH and I are in this state right now!! I have always wanted children, and DH does want kids, but recently, we haven't given it much thought. We travel alot, and I think alot of it has to do with the fact that we can up and go whenever we want.

I think after DH and I have done our "thing", we will be ready to start a family. We have plenty of time, so we aren't rushing it right now.

 

[lovemygoofy]

CJK,

We are sort of in the same boat. I have been married for almost 2 years. Naturally the familes are pressuring to pop out babies (we both come from large familes). We think we want kids at some point. Our problem/dilema(sp) is that my husband is active duty military(army). Obviously, he is gone alot. When he is home it's usually for about 6-8 months and then gone again for 8-12. We want to be just us by ourselves when he is home but have talked about children. He is scared he will miss everything with them while he is away and I"m afraid to raise them alone. It's something we wrestled with when dating and still can't resolve it. If he stays in until retirement, we have another 10 years but I don't want to wait until I'm 35-38 to have any babies.

I know that this isn't exactly the same problem you have but there are couples out there that do wrestle with it in different forms.

Good luck,
Tina

 

[goofygirl]

www.ivillage.com/relationships/boards

This is a site of message boards, there's a Childfree by Choice board that has an "On The Fence" section where you can get further feedback. I am glad to see you are giving this thought and not just having a child because its "the thing to do."

As for me, I always knew I didn't want any. I was never a "fence sitter", but the link I provided will connect you to people who are.

 

[Hillbeans]

I'll preface this by saying that I was never one of those people who always knew they wanted children. My DH and I got married at 28 and we both had/have demanding jobs and had thought we'd wait a few years to have children. I had DS at 30. All I can say to you is that kids to take over your live completely. They need a lot of time, energy, money, etc,. Your trips will change from romantic getaways to visits to Sesame Place. I still work FT, and so does my DH (son is in daycare 3 days) however our lives, for the most part, revolve around our child. I love my son and want more, and now that i'm 33 it's not as easy to have another (i've been trying for months) so sometimes time is not on your side.

I have a few childless by choice friends who live wonderfully full lives without kids. My closest friend w.o kids says her biggest regret is not having kids, but her life is not changed for the worse because of it. She travels, has a beautiful home and a loving partner.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.